To feel violated he looked through my handbag?

[Fernando2020]

I'll try to keep this brief as there is a backstory to this but my OH has just let on he looked through my handbag. Apparently he was 'looking' for our DS white noise machine as I'd been to my parents and he'd had a nap there but we both know I take all of our DS things in a totally separate bag. Now if he'd just opened it and had a curseary glance to see if it was in there I'd have no issue with this. It would be pretty clear it wasn't in there as my handbag is not large so no further investigation would be needed. BUT. He then went on to list things I have in zipped and side pockets. I've got nothing to hide so I don't know what he was looking for. He then tried to back track saying the zip was undone but it is always zipped closed as that is how I like it. I've now got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going back to his old ways. At the beginning of our relationship he was very paranoid and suspicious but he had counselling for this at my insistence and things improved. I don't know if it's because I'm due back to work from maternity leave soon and he's getting twitchy because I'm going to be out of the house again or just because he was being nosey. Am I right to feel a bit unsettled by this? I just can't shake the feeling that he was snooping on me.

I wouldn’t like it if my dh went through my bag, and even less to the extent yours has where he even looked through zipped pockets

I would be wary now, and yes I would think he is returning to old ways, probably as you say because you are going back to work so he won’t know what’s going on all the time

Only you can decide what you want to do, could counselling be required again?

There's a very big difference between looking in it for something and 'going through' it. Yanbu op

Pottedpalm I know! My lot can only just bring themselves to bring my handbag to me, for me to pull my purse out.
Very odd!

Yes I’d be wary of this. My husband would never go in my bag without asking, even if I tell him to he is weirdly hesitant and prefers to just hand it to me.

What was he doing the last time, how did it manifest?

In your shoes with his track record, I would be concerned. Its not that he's been in your bag, its the fact he's been through your bag and there's a big difference

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I've no secrets and nothing exciting kept in my handbag!

I once came home from a business trip with massive numbers of condoms in my handbag. Properly legitimate reasons.

'Nothing to hide' is a useless concept.

I wouldn't mind but given your history I can understand why you're upset. Zip a note into one of the pockets saying 'what the fuck are you snooping for you nosey twat?' See if he brings it up.

It wouldn't bother me one bit if DH went in my handbag. There's nothing in there that I wouldn't want him to see. The children aren't allowed in there but only because they are young and I don't want my nice lipsticks smeared everywhere or them using my stamps as stickers/swallowing coins or whatever.

It would bother me if he was a snooper or trying to catch me out for something though. I'd wonder why he didn't trust me!

I do remember though from childhood my mother being very strict about no one should ever look in a ladies handbag, children and husbands included! Even now if she said 'pass me my purse' I'd pass her her whole bag!

You need to keep an eye on your ferreting partner then, or hide your bag. He would not like to rummage through my old everyday handbag. I looked into it yesterday, there were 7 screwed up shop receipts, three wooden clothes pegs, some loose copper coins, half a snickers bar, some loose tissues. and half a shredded wheat, my purse, and specs case. and three biro pens.

@1forAll74

You need to keep an eye on your ferreting partner then, or hide your bag. He would not like to rummage through my old everyday handbag. I looked into it yesterday, there were 7 screwed up shop receipts, three wooden clothes pegs, some loose copper coins, half a snickers bar, some loose tissues. and half a shredded wheat, my purse, and specs case. and three biro pens.

Half a shredded wheat?!

My mum brought us up to never go in a womans handbag, it was private and none of anyone else's business. So I always feel funny if I'm asked to get something from someone's bag, and I strongly dislike people looking in mine. Op yanbu, it sounds like your oh is up to old tricks again.

It’s not just having a ‘quick look in the bag’ tho that many other posters are posting they are fine with. He actively searched your bag looking for evidence of wrong doing. It’s fine to just grab something from a bag but to go into pockets and search a bag is very different from just grabbing a purse or a set of keys.

It wouldn’t bother me but from what you’ve said about his past behaviour I can completely understand why you feel the way you do

I agree - given what his history is like, I would hate it. I'm interested to know why you thought he could be counselled out of behaviour like that.

Personally if DP went through my bag I wouldn't think anything of it. But given what you've said about your DH then YANBU.

If dp needed something from my bag, he'd bring it to me. And all I have in there is 100 different sizes of googly eyes, the bag split so they're are all just in the bottom loose. 👀 Keys, but make up and my order book. Your dp sounds like he had a good old rummage! Why did he tell you?

I'd be pretty pissed off if someone went through my handbag looking for evidence of some sort of wrong doing and if it had been bad enough for dh to have had counselling in the past I would be considering just how much I was prepared to put up with because this type of behaviour is just soul destroying.

@Cherrysoup

He’s been in the zipped pockets, where the machine couldn’t possibly be? I would not be happy with this, particularly given his history.

And the lying.

Yanbu. Why was he listing what was in the pockets?

I don't know if it's because I'm due back to work from maternity leave soon and he's getting twitchy because I'm going to be out of the house again

Yup. Men like this never, ever change.

You’re not in the wrong, the question is what are you going to do about it?

He’s trying to keep tabs on you and I think it’s fairly controlling. You obviously feel uncomfortable about him - I just think he is setting off alarm bells for you and deep down, you know the answer is to end it as he doesn’t respect your boundaries

I would be annoyed, however if you had posted I have a horrid feeling my DH might be up to no good, then 90% of posters would be telling you to snoop.

Agree with others in that in itself it could be fairly innocuous, but given the history unfortunately there may well be more to it.

How openly do you talk about things? Do you think there is any way to broach the return to work and give him some reassurance that things don't need to change substantially? No need to link it to the bag if you think that might not help - e.g. if it makes him defensive/shut down.

It wouldn’t bother me if DH went in my bag but he won’t even do it when I ask him to. If he asks for something and I said it’s in my handbag, he passes it over to me rather than go into it himself.

However, given the backstory you’ve provided, I would be unsettled. It sounds like he was raking about looking for something nefarious.