To feel violated he looked through my handbag?

[Fernando2020]

I'll try to keep this brief as there is a backstory to this but my OH has just let on he looked through my handbag. Apparently he was 'looking' for our DS white noise machine as I'd been to my parents and he'd had a nap there but we both know I take all of our DS things in a totally separate bag. Now if he'd just opened it and had a curseary glance to see if it was in there I'd have no issue with this. It would be pretty clear it wasn't in there as my handbag is not large so no further investigation would be needed. BUT. He then went on to list things I have in zipped and side pockets. I've got nothing to hide so I don't know what he was looking for. He then tried to back track saying the zip was undone but it is always zipped closed as that is how I like it. I've now got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going back to his old ways. At the beginning of our relationship he was very paranoid and suspicious but he had counselling for this at my insistence and things improved. I don't know if it's because I'm due back to work from maternity leave soon and he's getting twitchy because I'm going to be out of the house again or just because he was being nosey. Am I right to feel a bit unsettled by this? I just can't shake the feeling that he was snooping on me.

I don't remember ever being specifically told not to by my mum or dad but the thought of going through DPs handbag makes me feel a little bit sick

DP currently uses a big thing almost looks like a laundry bag and you can see into it but I still just go and get the whole thing if she asks me to get something from inside it

@Oblomov21

Wouldn't bother me. Neither Dh nor ds's even like taking my purse out of my bag when they've just asked for money! And I don't understand their wierdness about my handbag.

Same, there's nothing remotely interesting in there

He hasn’t put anything into it has he? Tracker? Recorder? I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but whatever, it’s a problem. My DH is like others mentioned upthread, he wouldn’t rummage in my bag, he would bring it to me to get a needed item out of it (tissues, masks, lipsticks, pens, stray teabags, hair bobbles, keys...)

It's awful. I had ex actually tear the lining of one of my favourite bags so he could slip a phone in there to track my movements. I would have been none the wiser if the alarm hadn't gone off. One of the millions of reasons I gave him his P45.

You should never touch a lady's handbag. DH or non-DH.

Even I know that!

/thread

My dp won’t go though mine and get anything when I ask he brings it. I’m not bothered I think he’s scared of tampons that lurk at the bottom.

I started a new job recently and told one of the guys I work with to get something out my bag he didn’t either (we all police checked and only a small team)

If he’s gone into places it wouldn’t fit then I’d be questioning him if you’re not happy given the past

Why did he list things that he’d seen - what relevance did it have? And if he’d had a quick look and not seen the noise machine, why did he feel any need to mention it at all? I’m asking because the way you’ve described it, it seems almost like he wanted you to know he’d been through your things.

dh will not open my bag without express permission. Unless he was looking for something I had lost and asked for his help, no way would he open zips etc.

For his mum and mine, their handbags were very private spaces and I could no more imagine my dad rummaging through my mum's handbag than I could imagine him throwing something at her.

I'm not as private about mine (although still prefer to give permission) but in your case OP, yes I would feel he is checking up on you. not a good look. I'd have a frank conversation with him about it.

Based on his previous behaviour I'd say he's snooping. The white noise machine clearly wasn't going to be in the small side pocket of your handbag. I would not be happy if I was in this position. It's an invasion of privacy.

Thankyou for all of your replies. And yes I agree that if he'd had a quick look and saw what he was looking for wasn't there so stopped looking would not be a problem. It's the fact he carried on and had a good rummage when it's clear what he was looking for wasn't in there. He's sulking now and trying to make out that I have no good reason to be upset about what he did.

My DP has been bought up not to go in ladies handbags, it drives me crackers! No matter how many times I tell him its fine to go In my bag for xyx I get the whole thing passed to me, for me to extract xyz. It really winds me up as at home my bag is unzipped so the contents are clearly on display. Occasionally he will pull out a packet of painkillers or my inhaler if its right near the top and doesn't actually involve putting his whole hand in (I swear he thinks I keep crocodiles in there or something).

In you case OP, there is clearly a backstory so yes I would be annoyed he had been snooping, it's time for a sit down chat to clear things and get a new clear playing field ready for when you do return to work. You can't live walking on eggshells or without trust because then everything he does you will be suspicious of and that will roll on to bigger problems.