To not know what to say to friend re IVF?

[MrDarcysMa]

Close friend and husband have decided to go down the IVF route after much deliberation.

If you've made this decision, what would be the ideal way of a friend responding to the news ?
It doesn't feel like a congratulatory occasion, I feel very hopeful for them but also with the statistics being what they are I don't want to be annoyingly positive . We've had a few friends in our circle who have unfortunately not had the outcome they wanted after IVF.

We are meeting for a catch up next week and will discuss in more detail, so If anyone has any advice to support a friend in this situation from the IVF recipients point of view I'd love to hear it.

Ps: I know this isn't about me - but I just want to make sure I'm not going to say anything unhelpful.

Just be supportive, I agree it’s not a congratulations conversation, it’s tough going and they may well not get the outcome they hope for, just listen if she wants to chat about it

If it was my friend I’d just say I’m excited for them and fingers crossed, good luck, let me know if you need anything etc etc . Keep it simple and don’t overthink it . I’m sure she’ll appreciate any support.

It is celebratory. What a huge decision for them as a couple and the next step.
The best responses we were received were things like 'that's so great to hear. I'm excited for this next step for you guys. So what happens first?' followed by genuine interest and remembering important dates etc.
If they have cycles fail etc then that is a different question but at the moment, this is exciting news!
You could also try 'wow that's big news! How are you feeling about it?' and see what they say and then go with that.

I’d be led by her completely (I’ve had a few friends have successful and unsuccessful IVF) I’m supportive of them and remember the dates they tell me things are happening and I send supportive texts that put no pressure on “please don’t feel the need to reply/update me but I’m here if you want to” I also would steer away from telling her of your 3rd cousins dogs aunt who had a successful round of ivf. Also don’t say oh have you considered adoption? Sorry to ramble but basically just listen and be supportive but not pushy on details.

Just say you hope it goes well and be generally supportive.

It really annoyed me when people told me about their cousin's hairdresser who did IVF and now has twins - no two IVF cases are the same, comparisons don't help.

I’m going through IVF myself now, and the best thing is to be led by your friend.

If she has mentioned it to you then they obs want you to know so you must already be a kind, supportive, trusted friend.

Somedays your friend will want to chat and chat and chat about injections, cycles, side effects and appts.

Somedays your friend will just need distracting and a reminder to take one day at a time.

Just say how you have everything crossed for them and let your friend know that if she needs to cry or rage or share news or just have company then you are there for them. Let how excited and how much they want to share guide you: some couples are excited and want to talk lots but some not as much (for two friends it was the end of a VERY long road).

I'd say that's wonderful, I am with you every step of the way.

Personally, someone saying how 'wonderful' it was that we had started IVF would have really pissed me off. IVF is shit. Nobody does it for shits and giggles. Obviously there are people for whom it's the only option but if it's coming after several years TTC, it doesn't feel wonderful at all.

It wasn't a celebratory occasion for me. I resented that I needed it and hated every second of the process. Support and a listening ear were a huge help. Some close friends knew I was pregnant before our families as they had held my hand through several cycles and so knew when I got a positive test whereas we didn't tell our parents until I hit 12 weeks.

You say "Mate, I'm gutted you have to go down this route....
I've done a little bit of reading (just read a couple of articles - it'll be an amazing comfort that you care enough to do that)
and I can see it's gonna be tough. Anytime i can do anything practical to help or support you emotionally just yell.

Remembering all the dates sounds a bit nosey and over-involved to me. I would find that added pressure. I guess everyone is different so be led by them.

You sound like a lovely friend. Just say that you're there for them. I'm sure that will mean the world.

@Winter2020 my theory is if they are telling me they are taking a pregnancy test on Thursday they want/need the support. I don’t say so when are you taking the test. It’s completely led by them. But every friendship is different so like we’ve said be led by them.

I'd keep out of it tbh, ttc is something I've always thought was quite personal. Acknowledge any talk of it if they mention it though

I’d ask them plenty of questions - “how do you feel?”, “what are the next steps?” Etc. I remember feeling like I just had loads of information swirling around in my head that the doctors had told me that I just wanted to talk to my friends about and unload. To kind of process it all. I was very grateful for a listening and supportive ear. That was me though, some people want to keep it all a lot more private and don’t want to discuss the details. A lasagne taken round the day after egg collection might be welcome - I felt so rough after that!

Thanks for your Input everyone. I guess I'm a bit nervous of saying the wrong thing as I remember sharing 'reassuring' stories with a friend in a similar situation years ago. Theirs didn't work and they've never quite emotionally recovered so I'm very keen not to add to any disappointment this time, especially as it's a very close friend.

Good points re dates (I'm not naturally great at remembering them ) but I'll not badger them for updates. Agree I think a 'thinking of you' message would be nice on the important dates.

Thank you everybody. I know this maybe difficult for some people to recall or share their experiences so it is appreciated.

You can be honest?

‘I don’t know what to say, how do you feel about it?’ And take their lead.

They may be resentful it’s needed or excited it’s starting and everything in between.

Long term IVF-er, in fact hiya @eurochick we were on the IVF thread together many many years (and for me names) back

It's not something to celebrate and it's not something to feel excited about , it's the realisation that this is what it has come too it's crushing,
So many people think IVF is a ticket to a baby, it's not. It's physically, mentally and emotionally hard and no two days are the same, some days you want to talk, cry or ignore what your going through when you see your friends so be led by her.
The balance is really difficult to strike to be honest,
I also wouldn't push when she's in the 2 week wait, when it fails you need time to yourself to grieve before you can talk about it with friends and if she is successful she'll be a bag of nerves waiting for something to go wrong. I'm nearing by due date after 4 years and still a lot of people don't know I'm pregnant

Interesting reading. It’s clearly very personal. My brother & his wife have had 5 unsuccessful cycles of IVF now after being told they had no chance of conceiving naturally. I only speak to my brother about it but it was absolutely not a congratulatory moment for him.

I imagine it can be a different scenario for couples who always knew they would need assisted conception eg same sex couples, & then it’s more ‘how exciting’.

Both of my children were ivf.

Definitely don't say it's exciting or even good news. But equally don't commiserate as it's not bad news either, I had a few friends who seemed to see it/us as second rate at trying to become parents.

DO acknowledge it, ask what the steps are, what is next. Let her talk about it if she wants to. Definitely don't be afraid to ask.

Hi @PurpleBiro21. I'm not sure who you were but I hope you got the outcome you wanted. Those threads were a huge support.

Another thing to be aware of OP is that some people are fine with the drugs, others aren't. I react badly to synthetic hormones and my generally happy fairly confident self turned into a ball on anxiety. It was like I had had a personality transplant.

Just be interested, and ask some questions after youve done a little research, you could ask which clinic etc when do they start. Just be there. I had only one person I told the ins and outs to, but I didn’t want to run the risk of being told I was too old etc

Hmm I don't feel it is celebratory - when I had IVF I didn't feel like celebrating, I felt pissed off I had to pay thousands and inject myself daily to get what most people seemed to get pretty easily

I would just say you'll be thinking of them both and you're there if they need anything

Thanks for sharing @Ijustlikefood, congratulations and best wishes to you