To not know what to say to friend re IVF?

[MrDarcysMa]

Close friend and husband have decided to go down the IVF route after much deliberation.

If you've made this decision, what would be the ideal way of a friend responding to the news ?
It doesn't feel like a congratulatory occasion, I feel very hopeful for them but also with the statistics being what they are I don't want to be annoyingly positive . We've had a few friends in our circle who have unfortunately not had the outcome they wanted after IVF.

We are meeting for a catch up next week and will discuss in more detail, so If anyone has any advice to support a friend in this situation from the IVF recipients point of view I'd love to hear it.

Ps: I know this isn't about me - but I just want to make sure I'm not going to say anything unhelpful.

Friends of ours went down this route and it failed, led to an affair in the hope that a new man's sperm might help ( it did not) and then divorce and then suicide. It was horrendous. I would be very cautious op and definitely not gushy.

Cross post.

I did nearly a decade of IVF, lots of cycles, many many miscarriages.
I’ve probably needed all things at different times.

One of my most supportive friends used to just say ‘what do you need right now?’ And followed that.

She was amazing actually, used to research so she knew what I was talking about.

Would just ‘hi just checking in, how are ya’ on crunch points so I didn’t feel obliged to immediately respond.

And a few times ‘I really don’t know what to say, my brain is just screaming it’s all shit’.

Overall I think I usually just needed to talk. And not hear about the neighbours dog’s cousin who now has quad puppies from a surrogate.

Do not tell them success stories. Ask how she's feeling, tell her you're willing to listen to as much or as little as she's happy to share. Listening is the best thing to do.

Honestly I'd be led by your friend and how she feels. I'd appreciate being interested in it and asking questions but recogining there will be tough times for them ahead and let them know you'll be there.

It also really depends on their situation. For us the ivf step was celebratory. It was a best case scenario for us and more than we had hoped for after my husbands cancer. We never ttc naturally so it was the first step on our road to ttc. But we only told immediate family and a couple of very close friends. But still I thjnk being excited and congratulory about it may be a bit much

We're about to go through IVF and we're dreading it but really glad to have good friends. Let her lead.

What I need from friends often is distraction. Lovely other stuff and chat.

I did not think it was wonderful or exciting to have to have ivf and I bit my tongue when my genuinely lovely sister in law said how exciting it was. Having already been through an invasive, unsuccessful first round I was not looking forward to round 2. I know it was meant nicely but I would never say how exciting or wonderful it is if a friend told me they were starting ivf.

“How are you feeling?”
“Do you think you would prefer for me to ask or just wait till you bring it up? I want to be sensitive to you”
“I’m always going to be here for you if you do want to talk”
“What’s your next move?”

With regards to dates. Play this very carefully. Some people deliberately don’t share dates because of the pressure.

I gave family and very close friends a very vague “we’re starting in Feb” type answer and told them that they should wait to hear from me first but that random “thinking of you ♥️“ messages would always be welcome xx

I’d say ‘I hear it can be a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally and physically so want you to know that we’ll be rooting for you. Here for you anytime should you want to talk otherwise we won’t hassle you for updates. Keeping everything crossed in good luck for you.’

I wouldn’t send a message on the important dates as it can add more pressure at a time that is already super pressured.

@MrDarcysMa you are already on the right track by caring enough to ask here. I think it’s very important to be led by your friend. Posters on here have already rankled me saying to say congratulations / you’re gutted for them and that’s reflecting what they wanted to hear when doing ivf!

She’s confided in you already so she just want you to know. When it comes up / if you bring it up just ask ‘how are you feeling about it’ if she says excited then you respond in kind saying yes I’ll be keeping fingers and toes crossed it all goes well for you hopefully this is how you get your baby, if she says she doesn’t know/ is nervous say yes I’m sure there’s loads to take in, I’m here if you want to talk things through. Let her know you are there for her if she needs you.

If you want to discuss it further or feel like she wants to talk about it more you could ask things like what is her doctor like - do they seem nice. Is she going to take time off work during it or keep working, has she told many other people etc.

The right answer here is always ‘well you have to do what’s best for you’

Ie friend says I’m telling work and taking time off / friend says I’m keeping working and not telling anyone - don’t start trying to give well meaning advice about what she should do - just say well you have to do what’s neat for you / you know best whether you’ll be better off in work/at home etc.

Don’t worry about it! Just avoid well meaning advice.

It is so lovely that you have asked for advice on this. It just shoes how caring you are, and how much you want to support your friend in the best possible way. I think it is really hard to answer, though, as different approaches work for different people. I completely agree with @eurochick and @PicaK though. I am going through my second round at the moment - the first was unsuccessful. My MIL goes down the 'how exciting' route, and it really grates on me. I, too, feel resentful that it has come to this - and it really isn't fun or a big adventure. I think just sounding your friend out a bit, as PP have suggested, and taking the lead from her is a great idea. I also loved the suggestion from a PP about doing a little basic reading about what is involved - I would have felt really touched by that too. The main thing is just being there if and when she needs to talk /vent. You sound like a lovely friend :)

To be honest the fact that you’re asking and how you’ve phrased it suggests that you’ve got a good idea already. I’m not sure if the people who’ve said it’s exciting have been through IVF themselves but if they have then it shows how differently people can feel about it as it was as far from exciting for me as I can possibly imagine! Painful, tedious, disappointing. So maybe be led by your friend. What Mylovelyhorsee has said is what I would have wanted.

Just say you hope it all goes smoothly and if they ever need anything or just want a chat, you are there

I’ve done IVF. I would say, the thing I would most wanted to hear was, I’m here for you, I love you and I’m thinking about you. Shout if you need anything. But you deffo need to take her lead.

It’s absolutely not an exciting event or process. It’s gruelling, especially when you have to repeat the process a few times. But we are lucky. We have dd.

I also wouldn’t say you’re gutted for someone. It makes it sound like you don’t think they’ll be successful. The message to send is that you’ll be her / their rock if that’s what she needs. If she doesn’t, she will know where you are and you can just check in with no expectation of a response.

It’s hell. I managed one go of ivf and it practically killed me. In the end, we adopted 2 babies (with a 4 year gap). That was 30 years ago. I’m pleased I gave it a go, just so that I could reassure myself that I had tried everything.

I’ve sent a PM @eurochick.

@MrDarcysMa

Thanks for your Input everyone. I guess I'm a bit nervous of saying the wrong thing as I remember sharing 'reassuring' stories with a friend in a similar situation years ago. Theirs didn't work and they've never quite emotionally recovered so I'm very keen not to add to any disappointment this time, especially as it's a very close friend.

Good points re dates (I'm not naturally great at remembering them ) but I'll not badger them for updates. Agree I think a 'thinking of you' message would be nice on the important dates.

Thank you everybody. I know this maybe difficult for some people to recall or share their experiences so it is appreciated.

I don’t think that you will add to their disappointment tbh. An IVF not working is devastating full stop.

As PP said it’s the unwanted advice, the false ‘positive thinking’ or the ‘truth telling’ that is hard.
Your friends will know. They will know the chances are low. But they are still higher than wo IVF. They know everyone is different that just because one couple gets pg doesn’t mean they will. Or that they won’t either.

Remembering the big dates (when it starts, egg collection, the testing day etc...) is important. But I’d say so is asking them what sort of support they would like.
Some people will want to share the news (good or bad) of the pg test. Some people will want some time alone to digest the news.
So ask.

Honestly I'd be led by your friend and how she feels. I'd appreciate being interested in it and asking questions but recogining there will be tough times for them ahead and let them know you'll be there.

It also really depends on their situation. For us the ivf step was celebratory. It was a best case scenario for us and more than we had hoped for after my husbands cancer. We never ttc naturally so it was the first step on our road to ttc. But we only told immediate family and a couple of very close friends. But still I thjnk being excited and congratulory about it may be a bit much

Thank you again everyone xx

My son was conceived via ivf. I mentioned to a couple of close friends but not to the extent of sharing dates and timetables, just a general statement that we were doing it. I definitely would not have wanted anyone other than DH counting down the days with me on my two week wait. “Good luck, I really hope that it works for you” is great and all that is needed really. I’ve also been on the other side when a not-so-close friend (who knew I had done IVF myself) told me when she had had the embryo transfer but then didn’t update again till she passed 12 weeks, I found that a bit odd and wasn’t sure if I was supposed to ask and was both worried about offending her by not asking and worried about seeming nosy by asking!

Do you know whether her partner knows that she has confided in you? Best check that as you don’t want to put your foot in it if he doesn’t know you know.

@PurpleBiro21 and @eurochick I think I was on the same IVF thread... back in 2013? Eggcellent egg buddies?

OP - I would say 'good luck and I'm here for you if you need me'. Personally I hated people asking me in-depth questions.

My first DD was IVF (struggled to get pregnant, investigations, found 'unexplained infertility' was on my side, had one successful round of IVF/ICSI and had DD1 who will be 2 this month, then found out less than a year later I was pregnant with DD2 who was a complete and very welcomed surprise! She is now six months).

I found that one of my closest friends who wasn't really 'baby minded' just distanced herself. She didn't seem interested and it was as though she thought I was making a mistake having a baby. She's lovely to my DDs now, but I always remember that with the exception of sending some flowers, she never once asked how I was, if I needed anything or if I fancied popping out for a coffee to take my mind off things.

One of my other closest friends had successfully had IVF and she was incredible! She bought me this:

http://etsy.me/2b3mPQS

I think you'll get them cheaper on eBay maybe but it was such a thoughtful gift. It's basically a diary to document the journey, the dates of medication and injections, retrieval and so on. I found that during my two week wait it really helped to fill it in and focus. She also bought me a card to wish us luck on our journey, mug, a little packet of chocolate, a pencil case full of colouring pens and an adult colouring book and again, it really helped to take my mind off thinking about what was happening.

Another close friend would text when she was due to finish work to see if there was anything I needed picking up from the shops. During your two week wait you're advised to rest as much as possible so I was working from home and I literally just lay on the couch all day while working, and made sure I ate and didn't eat all the food from old wives tales 😂

The best thing you can do is to wish her luck, tell her you're there if she needs anything, offer her your support and check in regularly. Once the collect the eggs my clinic rang up every day to give me an update on how they were doing, and it was really sad hearing about eggs that had died off and weren't looking so good. The day they put them back I found really emotional,
So maybe key days like this (if she lets you know when they are), just drop her a text again wishing her luck, and tell her you won't bother her as it will be an emotional day but ask her to contact you when she's feeling up to it. I had a few messages like this and I found it really helped that the pressure was off me to reply to anyone and I could just respond when it felt right to do so.

You seem a lovely friend for posting here about what to say and do so I'm sure whatever you do, it will be appreciated! Best of luck to your friend

I’ve sent you a PM @greendress789

Just to balance out all of this gentle, loving, tiptoeing support and empathy, and as someone whose infertility 'journey' lasted over 20yrs in total, I would have found the majority of these responses contrived and patronising.

My close friends didn't need to tell me they'd 'be there' I knew they would. Others weren't important enough to discuss any part of my sex life with. Normality is the key here unless she brings it up. A simple 'hey how's it going' can then be met with 'all good thanks' or 'oh god I've have a shit week, you know I'm doing the ivf well it's been tough this week etc etc'

TTC is very personal and I would never bring it up with a friend unless they did first, the same goes for ivf. I mean, it's a bit like saying 'Oohh how's the baby making going, how many times did you have sex this week, do you think it worked' to someone who told you they might start trying for a baby.

If you are close friends you will know and if you don't know then you're not close enough to ask.

I agree it is celebratory, I was so excited (and terrified) to start our IVF (we were lucky, it turned out fine). I would acknowledge it's exciting but something I found difficult is that people don't really understand what you go through with IVF, it's a difficult, painful and stressful process. People around me didn't really understand and I think most people don't want to discuss the more difficult aspects but I did want to talk about it.

Tell her you're happy to hear about the nitty gritty details if she needs someone to talk to. I think that could be helpful. It's daily injections for weeks on end, multiple invasive procedures and no-one talks about the hormones you have to take multiple times a day rectally for months for example 😳😳 but this is what's happening in your life and it can be difficult not talking about it. You sound like a good friend xx

I think it's wonderful how thoughtful you are being. For me, it was so up and down that it's hard to say what would have helped. I wanted to feel hopeful it would work but I didn't want to kid myself. My best friend would just let me talk and rant, offering to get anything I needed or come to appointments my husband couldn't make. I was very grateful to her.

It's easy to make a misstep so don't judge yourself too harshly if you do. Just be open with your friend that you want to help and be there for her.