To not know what to say to friend re IVF?

[MrDarcysMa]

Close friend and husband have decided to go down the IVF route after much deliberation.

If you've made this decision, what would be the ideal way of a friend responding to the news ?
It doesn't feel like a congratulatory occasion, I feel very hopeful for them but also with the statistics being what they are I don't want to be annoyingly positive . We've had a few friends in our circle who have unfortunately not had the outcome they wanted after IVF.

We are meeting for a catch up next week and will discuss in more detail, so If anyone has any advice to support a friend in this situation from the IVF recipients point of view I'd love to hear it.

Ps: I know this isn't about me - but I just want to make sure I'm not going to say anything unhelpful.

We did ivf too. Good for you for sense checking yourself. I would absolutely steer clear of using words like “exciting”. It’s a medical procedure which most people don’t have to go through to get pregnant, and the success rates are low per cycle.

Definitely be guided by your friend re talking about it.

I would just say, "Good luck". It is quite hit or miss but doesn't hurt to try and some are successful. Be there for your friend if it doesn't work and don't say what you think you would do in her position.

I hope your friend has a happy result and am sure you do.

I had assisted IUI so not as invasive as IVF but still a lot if the processes (injections, disappointment of cycles not working), etc
I did not like getting any texts around key dates. I hated it. I found it too invasive. And if I was managing to get on with things like work it would throw me off to thinking about it.

I did like open questions. So if I was meeting your friend I’d just ask her how she feels about it. Then you can gauge. Sometimes I wanted to talk about it. Sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I wanted to just have a laugh about the practicalities like when away and out with friends and trying to find places to do the daily injection.

I was lucky, it worked for me, but even then I didn’t want to tell anyone straight away as after years of disappointment I couldn’t quite believe it and needed time to process. I wasn’t ready to celebrate until I was sure that it would be ok.

Avoid well meaning advice and anecdotes about other people's successes, they don't really help.

@CounsellorTroi

Avoid well meaning advice and anecdotes about other people's successes, they don't really help.

I can certainly imagine that.

One of my other closest friends had successfully had IVF and she was incredible! She bought me this:

etsy.me/2b3mPQS

I actually would have really hated that notebook, to me it feeds into the whole 'IVF is exciting' bullshit narrative. Which shows that everyone doing IVF is different. I know my cousin would have loved it, she told the whole family all her treatment dates because she wanted full on support.

@MrDarcysMa you are being a good friend and I would be led by your friends, spell it out to them that that is your intention and they can lead.

The worst is the success stories or the 'relax' advice but you've already said you wouldn't do that.
I find the more IVF I have the worse those grate.

@HaveringWavering

My son was conceived via ivf. I mentioned to a couple of close friends but not to the extent of sharing dates and timetables, just a general statement that we were doing it. I definitely would not have wanted anyone other than DH counting down the days with me on my two week wait. “Good luck, I really hope that it works for you” is great and all that is needed really. I’ve also been on the other side when a not-so-close friend (who knew I had done IVF myself) told me when she had had the embryo transfer but then didn’t update again till she passed 12 weeks, I found that a bit odd and wasn’t sure if I was supposed to ask and was both worried about offending her by not asking and worried about seeming nosy by asking!

Do you know whether her partner knows that she has confided in you? Best check that as you don’t want to put your foot in it if he doesn’t know you know.

Hi havering, yes her partner is very open and we're all quite close so he won't have an issue with her sharing with me.

It's so kind of you all to share your experiences, good and bad. It's so easy to put your foot in it when trying to tackle a topic which we're not used to talking about openly because it's often so painful.

@CounsellorTroi

Avoid well meaning advice and anecdotes about other people's successes, they don't really help.

Totally agree, not helpful in any way whatsoever

One of my other closest friends had successfully had IVF and she was incredible! She bought me this:

etsy.me/2b3mPQS

Even before both our ivf attempts failed in different ways I would’ve absolutely hated that, I’m glad you appreciated it and it’s probably very different when it’s been successful but if it’s not, this kind of thing could be very painful, especially coming from someone whose outcome had been successful it places a real expectation on the situation