AIBU to just fake it?

[MsFrog]

My DS1 is nearly 3 and DS2 is 3months. My sex drive is practically non-existant, we've had barely any sex since I was about 20weeks pregnant and it's becoming a problem. My DH is very patient, but he's feeling disappointed and frustrated. We've talked about it, he's very supportive and understanding, but says he worries we'll end up a couple who don't have sex and he misses the intimacy as well as the sex, etc.

There are several factors: I'm shattered from night feeds, my post-partum body and lack of time to shave make me self-conscious, and the one time we've had sex and the other twice we've tried and got interrupted, it's been painful.

Anyway, my question is, I know sex is an important part of marriage and I want to show my DH that I appreciate that and his feelings. Is it unreasonable to just fake enthusiasm? "Fake it til you make it" and just force myself to go along with it? I've read some old threads on here where women say "absolutely not, your DH will just have to wait" etc, but sometimes I think I should just try to get back in the saddle and hope that sparks my sex drive. I don't think DH is unreasonable to want sex, but I also don't feel unreasonable not wanting it either...

Anyone been in the same boat?

[CorianderBee]

Honestly, I think it's up to you. If you want to try and push yourself because you also miss sex and hope it will boost your libido rather than because he's pressuring you then go for it.

Some people say they'd never do that, but it's your body, your sex life and your choice, your consent. Other people can't tell you what you're allowed or not allowed to do in the bedroom bar your partner not giving his consent.

You could also be intimate in other ways that aren't penetrative sex if it's still sore.

[MyGoMargot]

3m baby is still really young

I didn’t want sex when ebf and up all night

If your DH is truly supportive he would get this and there’s be no expressions of disappointment or upset

[MyGoMargot]

I really have no patience for men who are like this, it’s quite pathetic! It’s like having another needy child to consider

[Merename]

It’s really difficult, like you say he’s not wrong to want it and you’re not wrong to not. In the past I would’ve said no way, you’ve enough on your plate, but we’ve been through the exhausted small kid years with minimal sex and I think it has impacted our relationship. Not irreparable, but I think I would have made more effort though in hindsight. But equally at 3mo pp it was not on my radar and DH was respectful of that. Don’t do anything you are not comfortable with, but I think it’s reasonable to be reflecting on it. I wouldn’t fake orgasms though, if that’s what your asking - I’m taking your query more as ‘do I just make myself available and hope I get into it’, which I think is worth a go, with the caveat by your DH that it’s fine for you to stop at any time, with no huffs or pressure.

[Skweeler]

I'm in a similar situation to you OP and I agree with Merename. My little man is nearly 6 months and since being visibly pregnant I've not felt like nookie at all. But I have 'made myself available' and some times really enjoyed it but there were other times I just went through the motions. It does sound like your DP is being respectful which is good. Don't feel pressured by him however.

[Skweeler]

Additionally, regarding the pain, is this something you've experienced before baby, is it something expected or do you need to see the GP?

[Hankunamatata]

Not the done thing on here but pleasure him with your hand instead? Some men needs sex to feel close to their partners. I know my husband is much better mood when we have had intimacy

[Looneytune253]

It depends how you're feeling. Do u really really not want to at the moment or is it more you can't be bothered but could be persuaded. If it's the former I wouldn't recommend just doing it anyway. It's still early days after having the baby and it will come back eventually. If it's the latter then force it a bit. Maybe give yourself a once a week target to start with. Once you get into it you'll prob feel better. Wouldn't recommend if you really don't want to tho.

[Crazycrazylady]

It's not a popular opinion on here but I think I agree with the fake it till you make it but. My husband would always have had a higher sex drive than me. If it was up to me these days I'd probably have sex about once a month but I know my husband would be really unhappy with that level of intimacy so often when he initiates I just go with it. More often than not I enjoy it once I get going. I know my dh could not be happy in a almost/ sexless marriage and he is in so much better mood when we're having sex more regularly and we just get on better generally. Having said that if I'm really not feeling it. I say that too. Dh has no idea I feel like this though which is the way I want it.

[SummerInSun]

You may find that once you get started, you enjoy it more than you expect, and that it's having sex that starts to wake up your own libido again. Can you try other times of day rather than night time when you may be at your most exhausted? Eg do the DC nap at the same time?

Part of your DH's desire for sex may also be about wanting reassurance that you still find him attractive, still want adult intimacy even when you aren't trying to get pregnant, etc. There are other ways than sex to show him that - telling him being one of them.

[Tal45]

Painful is not good - that's bound to put you off even if you did want it. Do you use lube? Definitely worth it if that's the issue. If it doesn't help I'd get checked out at the docs x

[Littlebluebird123]

He doesn't seem to be putting pressure on you really which is good. If you want to try then that's up to you. I have found that sometimes I'm not really bothered but once trying I have wanted to. More because my head wasn't in the right place to initiate rather than not wanting to be intimate with DH so no forcing in that sense.
If it's painful however, I would work to sort that out as it will put you off anyway and/or there may be a problem. Did you have a tear? Maybe you need some more time to heal in which case, other forms of sexual intimacy may be helpful.
It is important not to feel pressured as it will not encourage your libido to come back, however, I can see why you'd want to do this. I have done and it has helped me.

[CouldItBeCake]

I faked it til I made it, and also I’m sorry to report I had some residual pain until about 5 months. I was honest with DH about the pain, but not about the not really feeling up to it. Sorry, it’s a bit of a lose-lose, but congratulations on your two little ones x

[JackieTheFart]

Personally, I’ve found that it’s all well and good to say no, only when you absolutely want it - but then you get into the habit of never wanting it. I fell into this trap myself, to the detriment of my relationship tbh.

I’m not ‘forcing’ myself, that sounds too strong, but there are certainly times when I’ve played along until I’ve felt more into it.

Having said that - at three months post part I’m absolutely not. I remember we did try, but it was painful for me so we stopped and didn’t try again for a while. It does take longer than you think for everything to heal completely IMO.

[katy1213]

Forget the shaving. You're married to him - he can cope.

[ExtraFirmHold]

The first message from the first poster is perfect. I went through something similar with my third, I'd had a section and was just terrified of anyone touching me near the scar, my sex drive was non existent. Eventually, around 3 months pp I just did it. My husband knew I was scared, we took it super slow, I didn't have the best of times lol but it did boost my confidence again and reminded me how important that part of our relationship is to us. 5 months pp now and everything is back to normal. Whatever you decide to do it has to be comfortable for you.

[ChocolateCuddle]

Hand job?

[MsFrog]

Thanks for all the replies. I've given hand jobs and blue jobs on a semi regular basis the whole time. It's sex he missed. Thanks for acknowledging that my DH isn't being unfair and is allowed to express his feelings. It's good to hear others experiences. I think a large part, like PP suggested, is that I just can't be bothered due to running around after the kids all day (older one doesn't nap). By the time they are both asleep I'm so tired from my early start and it's usually only an hour and a half before the first night feed... It might be selfish, but I'd rather relax and watch the TV! As for other times of day, I don't know when! And really it doesn't help to feel rushed because one of them might wake up/come upstairs.

But I think I'll have to be less selfish in the evenings and just power through. Sounds like that worked for a few of you

[MsFrog]

*blow jobs lol. Don't know what a blue job is!

[Amberleaf12]

@Merename

It’s really difficult, like you say he’s not wrong to want it and you’re not wrong to not. In the past I would’ve said no way, you’ve enough on your plate, but we’ve been through the exhausted small kid years with minimal sex and I think it has impacted our relationship. Not irreparable, but I think I would have made more effort though in hindsight. But equally at 3mo pp it was not on my radar and DH was respectful of that. Don’t do anything you are not comfortable with, but I think it’s reasonable to be reflecting on it. I wouldn’t fake orgasms though, if that’s what your asking - I’m taking your query more as ‘do I just make myself available and hope I get into it’, which I think is worth a go, with the caveat by your DH that it’s fine for you to stop at any time, with no huffs or pressure.

Well said.

[RunningFromInsanity]

I agree with @Crazycrazylady

I don’t have a high sex drive, my partner does. Often when he wants sex, I could go without.
But a relationship is about give and take, so I will go through the motions for him. He’s happy, I occasionally get an orgasm out of it.

It would upset him if he knew I wasn’t into it everytime, and I would never tell him.

[takealettermsjones]

He says he misses intimacy, so is he kissing, cuddling, rubbing your shoulders etc? Why do I get the impression I know the answer already? Sorry but I think he is BU!

[ThrowingAShellstrop]

@Wearywithteens

“But I think I'll have to be less selfish in the evenings and just power through.”

Not wanting your body to be used for sex after a long day with young children isn’t selfish. I think someone who is getting blow jobs and hand jobs but still wants his exhausted wife to give more is pretty selfish.

Can’t add any more than this. The fact you feel selfish for considering taking some time out for yourself instead of letting your husband have sex with you when you’ve been working hard all day with a newborn in tow and breastfeeding, just makes me feel so awful for you.

[Merryoldgoat]

My DH and I are very intimate but hardly have sex. I hate it. I don’t put pressure on him and I’m patient but I wish he’d make some effort to improve things.

I think our relationship might never really be sexual again which upsets me a great deal but I’m not going to leave when everything else is good.

I think he basically got out of the habit, lost confidence and now is scared. And as a consequence I can’t be bothered either.

In your position I would make the effort to try to be a bit more open to it.