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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just fake it?

72 replies

MsFrog · 06/04/2021 13:32

My DS1 is nearly 3 and DS2 is 3months. My sex drive is practically non-existant, we've had barely any sex since I was about 20weeks pregnant and it's becoming a problem. My DH is very patient, but he's feeling disappointed and frustrated. We've talked about it, he's very supportive and understanding, but says he worries we'll end up a couple who don't have sex and he misses the intimacy as well as the sex, etc.

There are several factors: I'm shattered from night feeds, my post-partum body and lack of time to shave make me self-conscious, and the one time we've had sex and the other twice we've tried and got interrupted, it's been painful.

Anyway, my question is, I know sex is an important part of marriage and I want to show my DH that I appreciate that and his feelings. Is it unreasonable to just fake enthusiasm? "Fake it til you make it" and just force myself to go along with it? I've read some old threads on here where women say "absolutely not, your DH will just have to wait" etc, but sometimes I think I should just try to get back in the saddle and hope that sparks my sex drive. I don't think DH is unreasonable to want sex, but I also don't feel unreasonable not wanting it either...

Anyone been in the same boat?

OP posts:

ThrowingAShellstrop · 06/04/2021 16:10

@RunningFromInsanity

I agree with *@Crazycrazylady*

I don’t have a high sex drive, my partner does. Often when he wants sex, I could go without.
But a relationship is about give and take, so I will go through the motions for him. He’s happy, I occasionally get an orgasm out of it.

It would upset him if he knew I wasn’t into it everytime, and I would never tell him.

Out of interest, what does your DP force himself to do for you that gives your relationship “give and take”?

CombatBarbie · 06/04/2021 16:16

Well the general consensus when a woman complains their partner has no sex drive is leave....a marriage needs intimacy etc etc.

I know you have mentioned pain and that should be looked at, but the times you have had it, have you enjoyed it? I found, same as you, I was just too tired for sex but when we actually got round to it I enjoyed it and it actually got us back into a regular rhythm if you get me. I've heard it mentioned in therapy environments that if it's just stuck in a rut, then to schedule in sex....

But if you are experiencing pain, this needs to be addressed first. Are you relaxing enough? Did you have tears in labour?

An0n0n0n · 06/04/2021 16:24

I thinknots of my answer would depend on if he was able to get up in the mornings/do more around the house. If he's honestly giving 100% I'd be far more inclined to sacrifice 30 mins of tv than if he was doing no night feeds or early mornings or spending an extra hour meal prepping min the evening to make my day smoother the next day.

My partner is fab at all that and it was over a year before we had sex after the baby because we were both so exhausted and didn't see much of eachother. I'd be in bed at 7pm so I could get some sleep before baby woke up for milk ever 1.5 hours from midnight through the night and he'd take the baby in the morning so I could get a few hours rest. Ships in the night.

But you need to think about why you don't want it- are you exhausted (and he could do more so you might feel resentful or precious for your few hours peace in the evening? Are you touched out from having kids on you all day? Are you purely just sore? It sounds like its a bit of everything and it will pass.

But his sadness about a lack of sex isn't more valid than your feelings and it isnt your problem to solve.

jessstan2 · 06/04/2021 16:25

It's entirely up to you. Some people actually enjoy faking it, they enter into a fantasy and love doing that. If you think you would, go for it but don't do it unless you want to.

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 06/04/2021 16:26

Agree it is your choice OP, neither of you are unreasonable in expressing how you feel, as long as neither is pressuring the other. If you do go ahead what would give you some benefit as well as him?

Instead of tv one evening go and get a bath or shower? Ask him to massage your back, shave you or even just rub moisturiser into your damp skin, what foreplay used to get you going, oral, stroking - can he do that so you’re using your ‘me time’ to be clean, relaxed, turned on a bit? Remind him it might hurt you so maybe only use a position that gives you control of depth/duration? I hope you find a solution that works for you both.

Deathgrip · 06/04/2021 16:35

Thanks for all the replies. I've given hand jobs and blue jobs on a semi regular basis the whole time. It's sex he missed.

Diddums. So hard done by.

Fucking hell, what a selfish arsehole he is. Your baby is 3 months old. I would take a period of “only hand jobs and blow jobs” over growing, birthing, feeding and being the main carer for a newborn any bloody day.

What a dick. I would not be indulging him at this point and I definitely wouldn’t be forcing myself to have sex I don’t want.

Oblomov21 · 06/04/2021 17:01

He sounds like a sex pest. Is he a bit dim, not very bright, and emotionally stunted aswell? What a knob.

RunningFromInsanity · 06/04/2021 17:15

@ThrowingAShellstrop
I’m not forced to do anything.

My partner does many things for me that he wouldn’t chose to do otherwise. Having 3 dogs for a start. Being vegetarian for home meals. Summer holidays lying on a beach when he would refer an active holiday.

Relationships are all about compromise.

Original poster

MsFrog · 06/04/2021 18:26

Wow, some of these replies are quite vicious! No, of course he's not a sex pest - he's a lovely, caring, considerate man. We have a brilliant relationship, we are 50/50 on house/kids/life. I love him and I'm concerned about feelings he's shared when I asked him how he felt. I just wanted a bit of insight into how other people navigated this stage. I'm quite surprised about people's responses. I'm not feeling pressure from him.

Thanks for sharing experiences, especially the PP who knows how this feels from the other side. I think it has to start with me trying to make an effort when I'm ready, and see what happens with the pain. I want a good sex life again - I just want to feel like I want it! 🤣

OP posts:

Deathgrip · 06/04/2021 19:34

But OP, you don’t want sex and while exhausted from parenting a newborn and an older child you’re giving him hand jobs and blow jobs even though you don’t feel sexual. That’s already far more than any reasonable person can expect from someone in your situation, and concerns about how you’ll end up as a couple who don’t have sex when it’s been three months since your baby was born (and you’re still servicing him) are patently ridiculous.

Honestly, having been there, what you don’t need to do is force yourself to have sex you don’t want - it doesn’t create intimacy, it creates distress and resentment. Of course if it’s just that you can’t really be bothered then that’s different but if it’s that you actually actively are opposed to sex then don’t force yourself.

orangegina · 06/04/2021 21:03

It took three months for me to have sex post partum and it hurt/was uncomfortable at that time

Your husband is being unfair to put pressure on so soon

I think hormones play a big part too. So soon after childbirth, you'd not be expected to feel sexy and make an effort

Umbivalent · 06/04/2021 21:06

How is your DH encouraging you, or helping you to feel more sexy? Is he putting any effort in at all, or is it just "fumble at bedtime"? Is he expecting you to do all the childcare, then get it on for him?

If he's not putting the effort in, why should you?

NoLactose · 06/04/2021 21:31

God. FUCKING MEN! Honestly the last couple of threads I've read combined with my own DH's behaviour this evening. Just what is the fucking point?! 🤷‍♀️

NoLactose · 06/04/2021 21:32

You are deffo not BU op.

museumum · 06/04/2021 21:37

When our dc were 3mo old we were BOTH too tired for sex. If there’s a big imbalance in your tiredness are you sure your dh is sharing the load equally? It’s actually easier if you’re both equally shattered as then neither is expecting more.

JeffTheOracle · 06/04/2021 21:40

How depressing that so many people think they have to just lie back and have sex they don't want. You need to be honest with him about how you feel

glowingtwig · 06/04/2021 21:43

What @Wearywithteens said. xx

Original poster

MsFrog · 07/04/2021 07:54

I think I must have been a bit unclear, going off some of these replies. He's not asking me to have sex - he's saying he's missing that part of our relationship and he worries about the future (which is a bit dramatic!). He gives me pleasure with his hands/mouth, tries to ease in to things, and surely it goes without saying that he doesn't huff when I say no. He does as much as me in the house, he does nearly all the cooking. I'm more tired from the night feeds, but that's not his fault and he does loads to carry his share of the load. Child care is as 50/50 as possible with him working full time. We've talked openly and honestly about how I still fancy him but just don't feel up for sex.

This thread has helped me realise that mainly I'm just not that bothered yet, and that's fine and normal. He gets it - and he's allowed to feel whatever the feels about it, I'd say. My question really was is it ok to "fake it", as we have a very honest relationship and normally I'd never do that, but I love him and I do want to rekindle that part of our marriage (eventually!).

I know it doesn't matter to anyone, as you're just strangers on the internet lol, but I just wanted to update to say these things because I'd be shocked and very upset if he was pressuring me or being huffy or not doing his fair share - that would be an entirely different post and not ok!

OP posts:

Original poster

MsFrog · 07/04/2021 07:57

And thanks for all the advice and different views - I feel a lot better about not forcing myself until I feel ready, but also about "pushing myself" if that feels right.

OP posts:

Naunet · 07/04/2021 08:44

Well the general consensus when a woman complains their partner has no sex drive is leave....a marriage needs intimacy etc etc

For god sake, not everything has to be reversed to pretend there are double standards. 🙄 When men can give birth, it may be relevant.

OP, you said you’d been giving him hand jobs and blow jobs, does he return the favour? Has he ever done this for you without expecting something in return?

jessstan2 · 07/04/2021 09:42

@MsFrog

And thanks for all the advice and different views - I feel a lot better about not forcing myself until I feel ready, but also about "pushing myself" if that feels right.

That is right, Ms Frog, and I'm glad you feel more settled about it. A lot of us feel the same as you after having a baby. You obviously have a considerate man, as did I.

Deathgrip · 07/04/2021 10:29

Well the general consensus when a woman complains their partner has no sex drive is leave....a marriage needs intimacy etc etc

Pretty sure those men haven’t just had a baby though, and I expect they aren’t providing regular oral sex either.

JeffTheOracle · 07/04/2021 18:18

@msfrog your DH sounds lovely - it just really turns my stomach to read that women just "get on with it" to get their man off their back about sex because I've been in that position and I will never do it again.

Im not saying that's you and from what you've clarified your DH doesn't sound the sort. If you've already been honest with him I think I would go down the route of if he's in the mood say to him that you're not - you're willing to try but you may want to stop. Then he knows he should keep checking in with you and you can feel free to stop at any time for any reason. You could even use a traffic light system as a shortcut to communicate with each other during sex.

What I'm trying to say is I wouldn't fake it - you shouldn't have sex you don't enjoy to make someone else happy but if you can be honest with each other then it could bring you closer.

Sansaplans · 07/04/2021 18:22

But I think I'll have to be less selfish in the evenings and just power through

No, you should never have sex you don't want to have. Fair enough for him being open and honest about it, but maybe he could offer to give you some time to yourself and do more with the children and around the house? Perhaps then you'd actually be in the right place to want sex. I would say keep being open and honest with eachother, but don't feel like you have to have sex.

Original poster

MsFrog · 07/04/2021 18:24

Thanks @JeffTheOracle. I know what you mean - being on Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to what goes on in some relationships. I'm so lucky to have always been in healthy relationships and I had no idea what some people have lived/are living with. I hope you're in a better place than you were when you felt you had to "get on with it".

I've definitely realised that I do want to have sex, even if my body doesn't - I want it for myself and my relationship, so I'll see how it goes.

OP posts:

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