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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just fake it?

72 replies

MsFrog · 06/04/2021 13:32

My DS1 is nearly 3 and DS2 is 3months. My sex drive is practically non-existant, we've had barely any sex since I was about 20weeks pregnant and it's becoming a problem. My DH is very patient, but he's feeling disappointed and frustrated. We've talked about it, he's very supportive and understanding, but says he worries we'll end up a couple who don't have sex and he misses the intimacy as well as the sex, etc.

There are several factors: I'm shattered from night feeds, my post-partum body and lack of time to shave make me self-conscious, and the one time we've had sex and the other twice we've tried and got interrupted, it's been painful.

Anyway, my question is, I know sex is an important part of marriage and I want to show my DH that I appreciate that and his feelings. Is it unreasonable to just fake enthusiasm? "Fake it til you make it" and just force myself to go along with it? I've read some old threads on here where women say "absolutely not, your DH will just have to wait" etc, but sometimes I think I should just try to get back in the saddle and hope that sparks my sex drive. I don't think DH is unreasonable to want sex, but I also don't feel unreasonable not wanting it either...

Anyone been in the same boat?

OP posts:

Original poster

MsFrog · 07/04/2021 18:26

Thanks @Sansaplans, and everyone who's been supportive about stressing you never have to have sex you don't want to have. My DH honestly couldn't do more than he does - we are both busy and knackered all the time, but he's got more stamina in general than I do, I've always been an "on the sofa by 8pm, in bed by 10pm" type of person! 🤣

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Mummapenguin20 · 07/04/2021 20:31

Oh my i could of wrote this myself a few months ago different aged children tho, my youngest is now 8 months and we have our almost normal sex life back! After my son was born i was petrified of sex after a very easy labour my son was born head and shoulders first with his hands over his eyes! I ended up with over 300 stiches, and a whole lot of pain to follow. Still now can be painful, my dp is so so understanding. I find if i want sex having a nice warm bath before hand helps and if it hurts not to pressure myself. My biggest underlying issue tho was i didnt/dont want to fall pregnant again! (All 3 of my children were conceived on diffrent birrh control)

MerryDecembermas · 07/04/2021 21:13

I feel physically sick at the thought of a man getting regular blow jobs from his wife who has a 3m old baby and then ramping up the abuse still further by emotionally blackmailing her for full sex by dropping hints about "the future" not envy.

OP you called yourself "selfish" for not wanting to go through with full sex. That is quite a disturbing way to think about yourself and your needs.

BurbageBrook · 07/04/2021 21:22

3 months is not THAT long at all in terms of PIV if you’re not ready. I think your vagina won’t usually cooperate if you just feign enthusiasm. But I happily feign enthusiasm for a blow job or whatever and soon get into it once I start...
Also if he wants intimacy ask him for a massage! He needs to be making effort too.

BurbageBrook · 07/04/2021 21:23

Oh god sorry I should have read TFT. He sounds like an absolute dick, I take back my post above.

BurbageBrook · 07/04/2021 21:25

Oh just ignore me altogether I think I got confused with another thread... will ask for these to be deleted

cunningartificer · 07/04/2021 21:39

I can’t believe some of the assumptions about your husband... such negativity! from what you say it sounds like a strong relationship and I’m glad you’re not feeling pressured. I think I know what you’re describing and would say, as have others, that sometimes when you’re tired with a small baby you can get into a non sex habit and it’s definitely worth trying to kindle the flame... having said that it’s still early days!

Original poster

MsFrog · 08/04/2021 07:47

@MerryDecembermas

not envy.

OP you called yourself "selfish" for not wanting to go through with full sex. That is quite a disturbing way to think about yourself and your needs.

@MerryDecembermas I do agree that I shouldn't think of myself as selfish, that's an unhealthy way to think about my own needs and wants. But I want to give my husband blow jobs (and believe, they aren't that regular!) so it certainly isn't abuse. Neither is it abuse for him to express his own feelings - yes, it's a bit dramatic and I told him how him saying that makes me feel pressured to "hurry up", which he acknowledged and assured me wasn't his intent. It was a long time after our first born before sex came back, he has friends who are in sexless marriages after children, plus there's relevant history from his previous relationship that have caused him to feel that way.

I didn't give endless details in my previous posts, but people and their emotions are complicated and I feel frustrated seeing posts with such extreme reactions to a complicated situation.

OP posts:

Snooop · 08/04/2021 08:02

he has friends who are in sexless marriages after children

God, he's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

Three months post partum and you've been sucking and wanking him off throughout? Just so he doesn't complain about you to his mates, like all those other frigid, dried up bitches.

I think you need a bit of objectivity here. He is pressurising you. You know it, he knows it, and you'll end up having sex you don't want and don't enjoy just to keep hold of this utter prince. Did he leave his previous partner for you?

20viona · 08/04/2021 08:07

Christ 3 months is really early give yourself a break. If it hurts that's a major psychological barrier too so I'd wait a bit longer to heal then see your GP.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 08/04/2021 08:13

Did you have a tear or episiotomy? If so lube and touching the scarred area helps with pain.

I do think you’re doing more than enough already though.

Original poster

MsFrog · 08/04/2021 08:19

@Snooop

he has friends who are in sexless marriages after children

God, he's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

Three months post partum and you've been sucking and wanking him off throughout? Just so he doesn't complain about you to his mates, like all those other frigid, dried up bitches.

I can't get over some of these responses. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm crazy, but my husband is not some horrible, manipulative sex pest. He loves me and doesn't want me to be unhappy and isn't putting pressure on me - we are just having conversations. We've talked about his friends for years, before put children, and how sad and difficult their situation is. His mates don't complain about frigid dried up bitches - what a thing to say! They talk to their friend about their marriages and difficulties, just like I do and all the women on here do.

He is allowed to have and express feelings. I want to suck and wank him off - he's my husband and I'm attracted to him and I enjoy it.

Some people on these forums must know some awful men.

OP posts:

Original poster

MsFrog · 08/04/2021 08:22

Thanks for all the kind questions - I had a section, so my fanjo is relatively unscathed. I'm just out of practice and tired and cba. My original question of "is it alright to pretend a bit, or is it dishonest" had been a bit lost in all the talk of how awful men can be!

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Original poster

MsFrog · 08/04/2021 08:25

@Snooop no he didn't leave his previous partner for me. They ended their relationship mutually when they realised it wasn't working. Nice implication that he's been a dick for years, though.

OP posts:

Formulation123 · 08/04/2021 08:25

I would use it as a you do dinner / bath the kids and then because I’m not as tired we can get it on tonight. I know some people would disagree with this but if you can make it a win win situation I would 😂

Original poster

MsFrog · 08/04/2021 08:26

@Formulation123 🤣 unfortunately he already does dinner and bath every night.

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Formulation123 · 08/04/2021 08:27

Also I would fake it sometime it leads to me actually enjoying it and if not my DH is happy so I don’t mind. I have been the other way round with a higher sex drive before kids and honestly it made me feel unloved and not wanted and unattractive. So I think it’s sensible to find a balance

Formulation123 · 08/04/2021 08:28

Maybe ask for a massage or a hair cut some you time so you feel more like a person and less like just a mum?

Lockheart · 08/04/2021 08:40

Sometimes your sex drive falls into a more passive or responsive pattern - i.e. you might not actively feel a desire for sex when you're just going about your day but when you put yourself in an intimate situation that's when it appears.

So it can be worth trying to put yourself in an intimate situation, but if it's not working for you, or if you're experiencing pain then you should stop.

I would definitely recommend seeking a doctor's opinion if the pain persists. Too many women don't and it's often ignored by medical professionals or dismissed - don't let them fob you off if you do decide to ask for help.

Ultimately you've been through some quite severe physical trauma, so don't put pressure on yourself. Keep communicating with your husband and take things as slowly as you like.

thunderandrainbows · 08/04/2021 08:44

8 weeks after birth I forced myself to have sex because I didn’t want to not feel like me for a long time, I had 3rd degree tears and I was conscious of it but I didn’t want it to affect our sex life which had always been good, first time wasn’t great but it got better and better, I’m glad I did that as the longer the gap I think the harder it gets

SisterA · 08/04/2021 08:52

OP I felt similar to you for a long time after DS was born and my husband also was very patient and gave me a lot of time with absolutely no pressure, but I knew he missed sex. Eventually I decided to start initiating if we had some time even if I wasn’t totally in the mood. Sometimes I’m not in the mood when we start but it doesn’t take long for me to ALWAYS get into it. Since this I’ve genuinely found the more sex we have the more I want it. So I guess it was a sort of fake it til you make it type thing but it worked... It is exhausting having tiny children and little sleep but I also really wanted a sex life back also so thought I’d make an effort to try and find it again as I totally lost it.

Original poster

MsFrog · 08/04/2021 10:19

Thank you @Lockheart ♥️

@thunderandrainbows and @SisterA it is so reassuring to hear your experiences

OP posts:

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