To not buy the house or am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?

[drivingmisspotty]

DP and I are currently househunting. We agree that we need another bedroom and extra living space. DP is not too fussed on the area, he’s pretty much in and out for work. I work from home and have a primary aged DC and just tend to do more in the local community.

We have a couple of properties we were thinking of putting offers on. One has more space than anywhere we have looked but is in an area I don’t particularly like. It is in a close just off an A road and the area feels a bit bleak. Lots of bungalows on the A road and then the kind of shops I wouldn’t use - builders merchant, tyre shop. Because it’s in a close, you would have to walk along the A road to get anywhere.

We had a discussion last night and DP would be up for getting and living in this house. I said I didn’t think I could do it, I just don’t like the feel of the location. I thought we were having a fair discussion - talking about what we thought and acknowledging we disagreed. He was a bit frustrated because he and the kids all like said house. Then we went to bed and he didn’t touch me all night. I asked what is the matter? Silence. He left for work before I woke up this morning.

This morning I have looked at the location of the house again and realised it is not very far (down the main road) to a library, a park, a good school. I am warming to it. But also I am angry with DP. I feel like I am buying a house with a sulky 6 year-old. And I would NEVER reward a 6 year olds sulk by giving them what they want.

DP does have form for silent treatment after and argument. He knows it annoys me and actually I thought we were getting past it and communicating better recently. Weird that we didn’t even have an argument last night. I feel like her is trying to punish me for having an opinion or manipulate me into changing my mind.

YABU - see the bigger picture, get the house if you now like it. Sulky DP is a separate issue.

YANBU - don’t let a bit of sulking change your mind, you won’t be happy there long term if you feel like you have been persuaded into it.

[cardibach]

Your options in the poll aren’t genuine alternatives. If you genuinely do now like it then it would be silly not to go for it. Not really liking it but being persuaded it’s ok is a different thing - you need to be sure which position you are in. Don’t go for it if you don’t genuinely like it.

[Ariela]

As others say - 2 issues here;
re house
As you're not overly familiar with location in detail - I suspect usually it's a place passed through , I'd take time to go visit, walk about and check the locality,, is it safe, quiet, are there other kids in the close - that could be nice as the close presumably has benefits of not being on the main road. Bungalows per se aren't bad - as often these are older retired people who aren't noisy and can be very helpful and nice. Bungalow near me takes in parcels when I'm out for example as they're always home, and it costs me a few surplus veg from the garden, pots of jam etc but well worth it.

[beginningoftheend]

I wouldn't buy any house with someone who gave me the silent treatment.

Ask him to either discuss it sensibly or sack it off altogether.

He sounds boring.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

As children get older location is key. Mine can walk to school (or get the bus), the shops and the park. There are decent public transport links and a reasonable number of shops. We did live somewhere a bit more suburban for a while and it really didn’t suit our lifestyle.

Think about the sort of life you want to lead and how the house fits in with that.
How important are:-
Parks
Cafes
Walking to school
Public transport
Cinemas
Sports facilities
Doctors
Libraries
Shops you can walk to
Activities for the children
Noise levels
Parking
Neighbours

You are not buying a house, you are buying a place to live your life. Does this location allow you to do that?

ps sulking is controlling shite so make the decision that works for you.

[beginningoftheend]

The air pollution thing - distance from main road makes a big impact and car movements on street - side roads it drops off quite quickly

[beginningoftheend]

But having to walk e.g. to school along a main road is not great.

[PatsyJStone]

Don’t put an offer in and get started on the route to buying until you are really sure and really happy. You’re a long time in a mortgage and it will be harder to persuade the family to move once they get settled.

I’ve regretted buying a house and it’s the biggest mistake you can make that you have to live with.

Don’t be pressurised, stay calm and stick to your honest feelings if you don’t think it is for you. Everyone needs to be happy, but it should be the parents that get the final say, not the children, even though you want them to like it, as an adult you can consider the bigger picture.

[StrongerOrWeaker]

By punishing him you would be punishing yourself. I would address the two matters separately if I were you.

[drivingmisspotty]

Thanks everyone for responding on both my issues.

Re the sulking yes it is controlling shite! I think I was quite meek when we first met and it was probably quite effective. Give fewer fucks now and just quite tired too of being the one who reaches out, who considers everyone’s feelings.

We did do some counselling in lockdown and I thought we had got somewhere. Maybe that’s why I’m dismayed by this. One of the things we identified was communication and I have made a big effort to be more open about how I feel but then I get this reaction. Which makes me wonder if the reason I wasn’t saying stuff is because he kind of ‘trained’ me not to. I really don’t want that to be the answer. And what we discussed in counselling had given me hope that it wasn’t - that our issues just stemmed from lack of time 1:1 and both of us avoiding tricky issues.

If I was reading this I’d think it was a really bad time to buy a house together. But it was Hope that made me do it.

[emilyfrost]

YABU. You didn’t do enough research on the house and were negative pointing out location as a reason when you hadn’t actually looked properly, so of course he’d have a right to be pissed off.

I actually think it’s you who sounds like the sulky one. “I don’t like it because of X, even though I haven’t properly researched X”.

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

My advice... don’t buy the house. At this point, I’m guessing you’ve both soured on it and it’s not like a a piece of furniture that you will resent, it’s a big purchase that you both have to be happy with for a long time.

Sit down with him and each of you list out the ‘must haves’ and the ‘nice to haves’ then trade lists and discuss. You should be able to come up with one list between you that you can both use in your search.

I don’t see one sulky night as a huge red flag. We all get in a mood from time to time and house buying is stressful.

[memberofthewedding]

I long ago came to the conclusion that most men are not LIKE children. Rather they ARE children. Treat them accordingly.

I would do as other posters suggest and check out the area at different times of day. Check it along rush hour when lots of traffic. Also in the evening. Are there the kinds of shops where youths hang out? Is the road a chicken run for commuters? Dangerous for kids? Or dark and lonely?

What are the neighbours like? What sort of social mix is it? You can learn a lot from parking up at different times of day and just watching.

[drivingmisspotty]

@emilyfrost you’re right I kind of did it backwards, setting up the viewing before looking at the area properly. It was a bit of a wild card at the end of a day of viewings across a really wide area. Around work and kids it’s difficult to go for a walk around every area and the property market moves quickly where we are. Not usually time for second viewings or checking out the area at different times of day like we used to.

I’m not sulking though - I’m being open about my feelings and up for discussion.

[drivingmisspotty]

Thanks @saltinesandcoffeecups and @memberofthewedding helpful advice.

[JackieTheFart]

In general, sulky behaviour like this is completely unacceptable.

But, I have to say, that when it comes to buying houses, it’s so easy to get completely swept up in what you think is important or not, and sometimes those feelings come out in less than ideal ways. There’s a reason moving home is said to be as stressful as getting a divorce!

I’m saying this as DH and I are currently doing the same as you, and he is completely discounting any property not within easy walking distance of secondary school. I have said I don’t think a ten minute bus ride is too much of a hardship if the house is right. Neither of us are sulking as such, but there’s a little frustration on both sides.

I agree with @saltinesandcoffeecups:

Sit down with him and each of you list out the ‘must haves’ and the ‘nice to haves’ then trade lists and discuss. You should be able to come up with one list between you that you can both use in your search

I don’t see one sulky night as a huge red flag. We all get in a mood from time to time and house buying is stressful

We’ll do this ourselves.

[Hallyup5]

I gave into my husband when we bought our house. He was adamant what he wanted and wouldn't compromise. Every day I look out of the window and hate our garden. I wish I'd have put my foot down. Of course it has to be agreed between you and it can't be your way or no way, but if it doesn't feel right then don't.

[TheWernethWife]

Hallyup5

I did exactly the same as you, didn't want the house, was persuaded that it would be nice in time. Despite all the work done to it I still didn't feel like it was mine, used to say I would leave it without a backwards glance.

Stayed 15 years so did my bit. On moving day I did what I said I'd do, just locked the door behind me without a second thought.

[NotQuiteUsual]

You need to go have a walk around the area and see how it all is in person. As for the tantrum, I'd be completely ignoring it and continuing the discussion from where it left off. You don't reward tantrums with attention. It just feeds into the drama cycle he's making.

[CoalTit]

...I looked up pollution levels here addresspollution.org/ and even though it is right next to a busy road it is only slightly higher than where we are already
In theory you could find somewhere better than where you are already, but of course it's up to you to weigh up the pros and cons, as well as his needs versus yours and the children's.

I am doing all the research and appointments and doing most of the admin with the mortgage broker
You're clearly doing at least your fair share, possibly more, so even though I criticised your communication style, I can see why you'd be very, very annoyed by his sulking.

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

I would not be tying myself financially to this man at this point in time. I think that you will want to get out of this relationship sooner or later and buying a house together will make that harder.

[HeronLanyon]

YABU - sulky husband does need to be addressed but don’t lose a house you like.

[Nith]

Sounds like you may need to go back to a counsellor unless he's prepared to acknowledge that the silent treatment is 100% not the way to deal with disagreements.

As to the house, ignore the children's views - they assume they will be driven everywhere and don't think about convenience. I must say, for me it's quite important that there should be at least one convenience store within walking distance for those times when you run out of something basic at the wrong moment, and ideally that we shouldn't be totally dependent on cars for transport.

[Cowbells]

Buying a house is very stressful. He's allowed to be pissed off with you if everyone else likes it and he just wants the decision sorted. I'm not taking his side, just recognise that we can all be a bit immature when we are stressed and fed up. Men are allowed feelings too, even though MN thinks they should be saintly at all times.

But I don't think you should get the house if you don't love it. You are the one who will be there all day and you are the one who will put down roots in a community. You're not being stubborn, you are being realistic. Maybe go and look around the area next weekend. Walk to the park from the house. Locate the nearest shops that are of actual use to you. Explain to him why you don't like it an dhow much it will impact on you day to day.

[Jaxhog]

I do think you need to talk about what you both really want some more. But since you work from home, the location has rather more impact on you than your DP. By all means, be open to somewhere you're not familiar with, but don't buy somewhere unless you are happy to live there.

[MzHz]

When you find the house for you, you’ll know it!

He’s only “up for it” and you’re trying to convince yourself

This isn’t strong enough a reaction from either of you.

Put the house to one side for now.

Deal with the sulking

“H, when we are looking at buying a house, we do so as adults - it’s a huge commitment, it’s a big
Deal and a lot of money. I do not need to engage with sulking or huffing. I need an adult to discuss the situation maturely. Especially when I’m the chump doing ALL the legwork. I don’t need or want someone swanning in and heckling in from the sidelines. So either you adult up and we discuss this as equals and decide what is important to each of us so we can make sure we make the best choice possible, or we park the whole thing, while we figure out what the future looks like”