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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy the house or am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?

61 replies

drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 09:12

DP and I are currently househunting. We agree that we need another bedroom and extra living space. DP is not too fussed on the area, he’s pretty much in and out for work. I work from home and have a primary aged DC and just tend to do more in the local community.

We have a couple of properties we were thinking of putting offers on. One has more space than anywhere we have looked but is in an area I don’t particularly like. It is in a close just off an A road and the area feels a bit bleak. Lots of bungalows on the A road and then the kind of shops I wouldn’t use - builders merchant, tyre shop. Because it’s in a close, you would have to walk along the A road to get anywhere.

We had a discussion last night and DP would be up for getting and living in this house. I said I didn’t think I could do it, I just don’t like the feel of the location. I thought we were having a fair discussion - talking about what we thought and acknowledging we disagreed. He was a bit frustrated because he and the kids all like said house. Then we went to bed and he didn’t touch me all night. I asked what is the matter? Silence. He left for work before I woke up this morning.

This morning I have looked at the location of the house again and realised it is not very far (down the main road) to a library, a park, a good school. I am warming to it. But also I am angry with DP. I feel like I am buying a house with a sulky 6 year-old. And I would NEVER reward a 6 year olds sulk by giving them what they want.

DP does have form for silent treatment after and argument. He knows it annoys me and actually I thought we were getting past it and communicating better recently. Weird that we didn’t even have an argument last night. I feel like her is trying to punish me for having an opinion or manipulate me into changing my mind.

YABU - see the bigger picture, get the house if you now like it. Sulky DP is a separate issue.

YANBU - don’t let a bit of sulking change your mind, you won’t be happy there long term if you feel like you have been persuaded into it.

OP posts:
Tallybeebloom · 06/04/2021 09:16

I would have a discussion with DP about his behaviour first and address that and then tell him that you're coming round to the house. Don't let his behaviour stop you from getting a house you like but equally, don't allow him to think that his behaviour is what's led you to change your mind so address the behaviour first and separately.

thatonehasalittlecar · 06/04/2021 09:18

Sounds like you don’t have enough information about the location to make a decision. Ignore the sulking and spend some more time investigating the area. Park up, walk from the house in several directions and see what’s around. The noise and fumes from an A road would bother me, and I would worry about pets and kids on bikes in the future, but only you can decide what you will accept. I know several people who bought houses on quite busy roads because they ‘got more for their money’ and each one has regretted it after a few years.

CareBear50 · 06/04/2021 09:19

Your husband sounds like a total dickhead.

I'd be discussing his behaviour first. He should apologise.

Depending how he reacts....decide then if you want to buy a bigger house with this manchild

DorisLessingsCat · 06/04/2021 09:20

Buy your own house and tell the sulky manchild to buy his own?

Charlieiscool · 06/04/2021 09:21

You are sounding sulky yourself.

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 09:28

Thanks for your comments.

I think you are right that there are separate issues here.

@DorisLessingsCat I was having exactly this thought in the middle of the night. Very tempting!

@Charlieiscool yes I do feel a bit sulky but I’m trying not to! My instinct is to be annoyed and dig my heels in but I do want what is best for my family. That’s why I’m asking the question. And it can get tiring ‘being the bigger person’.

OP posts:
Randommother · 06/04/2021 09:30

It may be the way you described it, but I dont see why you're calling him sulky. You went to bed, perhaps he went to sleep? He then left for work before you woke up. If you were both in the same room, obviously awake, and he wasn't talking to you then I'd understand, but you said you had a reasonable discussion about it before going to bed.

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 09:37

He was awake when I went up to bed so I turned off the light and got in next to him. I mentioned something about DS and he kind of grunt replied. And he ALWAYS cuddles in bed. Unless he’s in a mood.

I did ask him what was wrong and he didn’t reply so I thought I would just leave him to it and enjoy spreading out on my side of the bed but of course I couldn’t sleep by then.

I didn’t expect him to wake me up before he went to work - I was just explaining why we hadn’t talked this morning.

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 06/04/2021 09:37

Sulky is very off putting.

It does sound like you need to put effort into checking the location out more, go and walk around the area. Make sure DH joins you on some of the walks?

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 06/04/2021 09:37

How long have you been house hunting? While him not talking to you isn’t on he might be beyond fed up of house hunting, having found an ideal house and you not liking it because it’s by buildings you won’t use has tipped him over the edge?

denverRegina · 06/04/2021 09:39

"DP does have form for silent treatment after and argument. He knows it annoys me and actually I thought we were getting past it and communicating better recently. Weird that we didn’t even have an argument last night. I feel like her is trying to punish me for having an opinion or manipulate me into changing my mind."

🚩

Pinkdelight3 · 06/04/2021 09:42

If he's not fussed about area, then he shouldn't be fussed if you want to live in another area. It's pretty unusual to not care about the area you live in and it's clear you're not into this one. Don't be pressured into living there just cos he's being moody about it. There will be other houses without those drawbacks. Sure there are always compromises and you sound open to compromising, but generally good to listen to your gut rather than to a sulky guy who isn't considering your needs.

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 09:44

@Tinkywinkydinkydoo I will check with him but I don’t think it’s that. We have been looking properly for about a month. I am doing all the research and appointments and doing most of the admin with the mortgage broker. He has been saying he doesn’t mind taking a year to find the right property. Don’t think I could stand that myself!

OP posts:
SpringtimeSummertime · 06/04/2021 09:46

Your sulky husband is the problem.
Having said that, Looking back at what was said during your ‘discussion’ did you listen to his point of view openly? Or did you just keep telling him why you (thought you) couldn’t / wouldn’t live there?
If it was an open discussion and he is sulking because you disagreed with him then HIBU.

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 09:49

@denverRegina yes I see that flapping in the breeze too Sad

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/04/2021 09:49

Keep looking for another house and ignore the sulker. Preferably a house he doesn’t have to live in

SpringtimeSummertime · 06/04/2021 09:49

When I say ‘open’ I mean - could have gone one way or the other. Could he tell that you had made your mind up already? You say it was a fair discussion but was it really?

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 09:56

@SpringtimeSummertime I think I did listen. I definitely wasn’t massively insistent that I could NEVER live there because I wasn’t 100%. In general I think I am not good at listening to my gut or standing up for my feelings as being valid. So it was disappointing to have this reaction when I did.

Thinking about it though. Once we have got past the sulk, maybe I should approach it differently with him. A relationship counsellor would probably say we should each have our say without any interruptions or discussions. And that we should go back to basics about what is important to us in a house before we make a decision. (I thought we had done that but he had pretty much said he would leave it up to me, I think now we have started looking he has probably realised he has opinions.)

OP posts:
GingerFigs · 06/04/2021 09:58

You can't change the area so if you don't like it then don't spend thousands (hundreds of thousands) on something you can't change. Location location location....

Ideasplease322 · 06/04/2021 10:05

Go for area every time. You can change the house, but you can’t change the area.

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 10:11

I did quote ‘location location location’ at DP. It I don’t think he really gets it!

OP posts:
CoalTit · 06/04/2021 11:27

Your concerns about the location seem reasonable to me. The house sounds great for someone who is happy to go everwhere by car, but not so great for children and their main carer.
I'm sure there are better ways to explain that than "I don't like the feel of the location" and "it feels a bit bleak". They're very vague, woo-sounding and uninformative arguments against the house, especially when the practical advantages for him are so clear.
It's worth communicating your doubts in clear, practical terms so that the two of you can weigh them up as part of the process of deciding.
With the last year dominated by a virus whose official name begins with "Severe acute respiratory syndrome", the effects of traffic-induced air pollution on children's lungs is something to take into consideration. I'm suprised people aren't talking about it more.
Then there are the years that all your kids will spend with a noisy road between them and anywhere they want to go under their own steam, which will be pretty offputting for them until they have the money for their own licence and car.

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 06/04/2021 11:32

I like that @CoalTit thank you. I know he would respond to ‘logical’ reasons better. I looked up pollution levels here addresspollution.org/ and even though it is right next to a busy road it is only slightly higher than where we are already (which makes me wonder how accurate the site is).

OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 06/04/2021 11:36

In this instance, knowing it's a time based decision, I wouldn't be fallingol over myself to have a conversation when he's decided to. I would say i respected his need for time and now he needs to respect mine. Put the shoe on the other foot at it were.

I'd then tell him I don't like the stonewalling and I'm not prepared to proceed with moving house and making new financial ties until the stonewalling issue is resolved.

My husband used to do this. I gave him an ultimatum of counselling or leaving. The counsellor was very good and called a spade a spade, at points saying "can you see how that's controlling" to him. This was a few years ago now and it seems he has well and truly actually changed. So it is possible. And helpful to have an independent person labelling behaviour directly. So yeah, in summary I would make this the point to dig your heels in.

CatsHairEverywhere2 · 06/04/2021 11:42

I apologise if this has been said before, but silent treatment is a form of abuse used to change your behaviour.

I am absolutely not saying that your DH is being abusive. He may not view it the same way at all and may just need space to calm down after a disagreement, but if his behaviour is affecting you you should make him aware it is abusive. If he continues after being made aware of this, he is deliberately being abusive and that is an entirely separate matter you may wish to deal with and get support with.

In regards to the house, do you now see yourself being able to live there or does it still seem off? If you still don’t feel 100% about it, do more research on the area but ultimately don’t be blackmailed into it by sulking. If you feel pressured into it you may not end up happy long term, but you might also. It entirely depends on the people in the area I think