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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws drama please help

73 replies

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 22:29

Been married over 10 years. DH has 2 sisters who are much older and they have teenage/older boys: youngest is 14 and eldest is 20. They have made zero effort with me over the years and quite frankly been emotionally abusive. I stuck up for myself the years following when my daughter was born.

They have been very dismissive of me to the point where they said they glad they don’t have daughters when my daughter was born! And no they not jealous as in the culture girls are seen as second class citizens and boys are bloody worshipped. I stayed quiet for years and finally let it all out. I was obviously made out to be the bad one but I don’t care. Not spoken for 1.5 years and covid has been somewhat of a blessing.

Problem now is I was making plans with him for our daughters upcoming birthday in the summer holidays (August) and he got angry as I said we’ll just invite 4 friends from her school and cousins who are closer in age. Obviously rules out his family as they older so he kicked off saying he wants sisters there. Bear in mind they don’t have any relationship with him they have never been close.

I feel it’s weird inviting teenage boys to a little girls party and because I hate his sisters my thoughts are they not coming. This is causing a huge fight he stormed off and slammed the doors. I’ve tried to sit down abs talk but he screaming and I’m worried neighbours hearing is so going to leave it.

When my daughter was 3 we invited the nephews and his sisters and the boys were obviously not interested they sat through it all on their phones and gadgets. Sisters made no effort with me and made me feel uneasy.

Am I being unreasonable? If I got along with them I would have no issues inviting them and their sons but I absolutely hate how they have treated me.

My mum is suggesting just to leave it as friends and not to invite my sisters and the younger nephews/nieces who are all under 8. But why should my daughter not have them there? We always get invited to all the kids parties on my side of the family but have never on his side. Not once in 10 years.

Any perspectives welcome please but in a kind way. If you don’t agree please tell me without any negativity as I’m really down and can’t handle anymore conflict.

Just for extra context: I suffer from really bad social anxiety and having my sisters there will calm me. I don’t know any of daughters friends mum as she started school during covid and so we have never had any play dates. I’m really anxious about it but want to be “normal” for the sake of my child. This is pissing be off more as he knows how anxious and shy I am and I’m trying to change but he’s making it difficult. I’m thinking if just not having a party. He wants us to just be us as a family with no friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 22:38

Sorry about the length of the post! Hopefully someone manages to read it and offer some advice

OP posts:

Trixie78 · 05/04/2021 22:47

I see your point entirely but they are his family and he wants them there. If it were me I'd tell him they can come but HE has to facilitate it completely. You won't contact them to invite them, he must do that. You won't liase with them on arrival times/gifts etc etc, he must do all that. Finally, although you will be a polite host and greet them on arrival that will be your total involvement. They're his guests to entertain. I understand his desire to have them there but he must do the work to facilitate that. Good luck xx

ViviPru · 05/04/2021 22:50

So you’ve not once in 10 years been invited to any of their parties but you’re expected to invite them to one of yours?

Besides, teenage boys would rather be anywhere than their 5 year old female cousins birthday party unless they have a very close relationship with her which they obviously don’t.

No, OP. Based on the above you are not being unreasonable. I hope you are able to quietly but confidently stand firm on this.

corcaithecat · 05/04/2021 22:51

The birthday is 4 months away. Are there any other family birthdays on his side of the family before then?

I've only ever had the DC's friends at birthday parties but then I don't have any extended family living nearby, so I'm probably not much help.

Shelby2010 · 05/04/2021 22:53

This is easy, you just have 2 parties. One for family & one for school friends. We normally do this without any of your family drama.

Bitofanexpert · 05/04/2021 22:54

Your husband’s reaction is pathetic and no doubt why they have felt they can behave like this towards you for so long. Well done on staying calm with your silly husband.

In my house your husband’s reaction would have caused WW3 from me. Under no circumstances would sisters or nephews be coming into my house again- if they attempted it I’d be making them very unwelcome.

ViviPru · 05/04/2021 22:57

@Shelby2010

This is easy, you just have 2 parties. One for family & one for school friends. We normally do this without any of your family drama.

This would be a sensible solution - if the OPs DH is willing to undertake the facilitation of the family party exactly as @Trixie78 describes. Because organising parties is a chore and it’s not fair you’d have to undertake double the work just to maintain the facade of family harmony.

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 22:57

Thank you all. 2 parties would be a good idea to separate it but I have extreme social anxiety. The thought of entertaining friends on my own is making me anxious. My sisters are very confident and outgoing and I was hoping they would lighten the mood. I have no idea how to evtertain.

No I have never been invited. In the past we have listened politely to MIL talking about the nephews parties she attended and we were never invited! When I try to bring this up his response is “why are u upsetting me by reminding me of that”

OP posts:

Maskedrevenger · 05/04/2021 23:01

Could you have two get togethers? A kids only party with just friends with maybe the young cousins as well if you wanted. Then a family get together ( more grown up type refreshments) with your family and DH there to help manage the “atmosphere” with your in-laws, if you have the space set up a second room for the teenagers to hang out in. With a bit of luck maybe some of your in-laws won’t bother to come.

Chloemol · 05/04/2021 23:01

When he has calmed down, just ask him how many of his nephews parties you have both been invited to, when he sees it’s none he may just recognise how his family have been

You are not being unreasonable and if he still wants his family there then he sorts it all, the invite, the hosting of them, making sure they dont upset you, just say hello and goodbye

DontBeRidiculous · 05/04/2021 23:03

Your husband is being a jerk. He knows the history with his family as well as you do. Even families on good terms with one another don't usually invite teen cousins to young cousins' birthday parties. The teens will be bored!

If it would smooth the waters, one option would be to have two parties or morning/afternoon get-togethers/outings/whatever works. One for friends and another for just the young cousins. If your husband wants to, he can arrange a third one for his side of the family.

DontBeRidiculous · 05/04/2021 23:05

Never mind, just saw the update... Well, if two parties is out, I'd give your husband two options. One is that you do it your way and the other is that he invites his nephews, but ONLY the nephews. The mothers aren't invited. Or if they do come, he has to be there and deal with them himself.

Honestly, your husband is being very controlling and immature. Does he not remember what it was like to be a teen boy? Those boys aren't going to want to come! It's ridiculous, even aside from the fact that his family has been so awful to you in the past.

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 23:06

He knows we haven’t been invited ever. I’m really sick of him. I’m sick of people saying what a lovely guy he is all the time. I don’t know what’s wrong with him as I’m not very good at figuring people out but basically people like his sister do shit to him and us as a family. Disrespect him and he just forgets everything.

Like how can he not remember all the hurt and pain they have caused? We have been so close to divorcing over the years due to his family. Then he wonders why I don’t want them near me!

He has no relationship with them. So many occasions go by and he’s not bothered but for some reason my daughters birthday is always time for him to want them in our lives again.

I don’t think any normal person would just forget all the nasty things that have been said about his wife abs daughter.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 05/04/2021 23:06

This is easy, you just have 2 parties. One for family & one for school friends. We normally do this without any of your family drama.

The 'family party' part is just having family round for a buffet tea, with a cake and candles thrown in. It shouldn't take much 'organising'/

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2021 23:07

What role does he play in party prep? If low, then case closed. I prep for this party, I do it for my children, you are pretty much a guest who turns up yourself. You can invite your sisters around the following week and do the lunch, I’ll go out in the morning while you get it all together as I won’t put any work into hosting them.

Trixie78 · 05/04/2021 23:09

To be honest from what you've said I'd be surprised if they came so you could just have DH invite them and see?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 05/04/2021 23:10

Have the party the way you want.
Tell Dh is is welcome to take dd to visit his family to celebrate.
I did something like this after my sil was a cow once too often. Worked perfectly. Literally saw her once a year after that.

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 23:12

I'd be surprised if they came so you could just have DH invite them and see?

I thought the same for her 3rd but they all turned up. MIL is very controlling so must have told them they must come. It’s funny she never pushes them to invite us though.

Sorry to keep moaning but I really regret marrying him. I never thought life would be like this. Like fair enough if my daughter knew his nephews but she hasn’t seen them in years she doesn’t know who they are! She doesn’t even know “daddy has sisters”. She was surprised today.

My family FaceTime and send cards all the time. It just feels fake any relationship he tries to make with them

OP posts:

coronafiona · 05/04/2021 23:13

I normally have a school friends party and then a family buffet lunch on separate days. Works better for everyone. Perhaps something like that??

Trixie78 · 05/04/2021 23:20

It sounds more like you have a DH issue than a SIL issue. You sound really unhappy, why do you stay?

Yellownotblue · 05/04/2021 23:21

Any perspectives welcome please but in a kind way. If you don’t agree please tell me without any negativity as I’m really down and can’t handle anymore conflict.

OP I want to applaud this paragraph in your post. I completely understand you don’t want to be trolled and I want you to know your feelings are completely legitimate.

As to the substance of your post, I think you should have two parties. I don’t think excluding DH’s sisters is a good long term move. If boys are worshipped in DH’s culture, chances are your DH was the golden child and his DSis suffered a lot and there is built up resentment. I would advise you not to engage in that conflict.

Just serve food, have a cake, smile and let any negativity wash over you.

The upper hand usually wins...

Feelingconfused2020 · 05/04/2021 23:24

I'd have the party you want with friends and your sisters then a separate get together with DH's family which you let him organise and just attend. Maybe even go out or go to your room if you prefer.

frazzledasarock · 05/04/2021 23:28

I agree with two parties.

Tell your husband to organise the one with his family and don’t lift a finger.

Bet the second party doesn’t happen.

Your H is the problem here.

PerveenMistry · 05/04/2021 23:30

Can you contact Women's Aid for help extricating from this marriage

Seeingadistance · 05/04/2021 23:30

The biggest problem here is your husband’s behaviour! He’s slamming doors and actually screaming about this?!

That is totally out of order, bizarre and quite frightening.

Does he often behave like this?

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