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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws drama please help

73 replies

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 22:29

Been married over 10 years. DH has 2 sisters who are much older and they have teenage/older boys: youngest is 14 and eldest is 20. They have made zero effort with me over the years and quite frankly been emotionally abusive. I stuck up for myself the years following when my daughter was born.

They have been very dismissive of me to the point where they said they glad they don’t have daughters when my daughter was born! And no they not jealous as in the culture girls are seen as second class citizens and boys are bloody worshipped. I stayed quiet for years and finally let it all out. I was obviously made out to be the bad one but I don’t care. Not spoken for 1.5 years and covid has been somewhat of a blessing.

Problem now is I was making plans with him for our daughters upcoming birthday in the summer holidays (August) and he got angry as I said we’ll just invite 4 friends from her school and cousins who are closer in age. Obviously rules out his family as they older so he kicked off saying he wants sisters there. Bear in mind they don’t have any relationship with him they have never been close.

I feel it’s weird inviting teenage boys to a little girls party and because I hate his sisters my thoughts are they not coming. This is causing a huge fight he stormed off and slammed the doors. I’ve tried to sit down abs talk but he screaming and I’m worried neighbours hearing is so going to leave it.

When my daughter was 3 we invited the nephews and his sisters and the boys were obviously not interested they sat through it all on their phones and gadgets. Sisters made no effort with me and made me feel uneasy.

Am I being unreasonable? If I got along with them I would have no issues inviting them and their sons but I absolutely hate how they have treated me.

My mum is suggesting just to leave it as friends and not to invite my sisters and the younger nephews/nieces who are all under 8. But why should my daughter not have them there? We always get invited to all the kids parties on my side of the family but have never on his side. Not once in 10 years.

Any perspectives welcome please but in a kind way. If you don’t agree please tell me without any negativity as I’m really down and can’t handle anymore conflict.

Just for extra context: I suffer from really bad social anxiety and having my sisters there will calm me. I don’t know any of daughters friends mum as she started school during covid and so we have never had any play dates. I’m really anxious about it but want to be “normal” for the sake of my child. This is pissing be off more as he knows how anxious and shy I am and I’m trying to change but he’s making it difficult. I’m thinking if just not having a party. He wants us to just be us as a family with no friends.

OP posts:

Bubbletime123 · 05/04/2021 23:33

Just invite them at the very last minute they probably will already have plans or it will be too late because they're working etc

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 23:33

Thank you all for the responses. I do definitely agree is a DH problem not a SIL. He never defends me. I could easily move on abs forgive people if I felt he was in my side. His attitude is “doesn’t matter” but it does matter when they say things about my daughter being a girl and all the other rubbish.

OP posts:

MzHz · 05/04/2021 23:34

@Shelby2010

This is easy, you just have 2 parties. One for family & one for school friends. We normally do this without any of your family drama.

100%

And you leave it to dh to arrange the party for his family - making it clear you’re organising the o toe to parties from start to finish

It’ll NEVER happen!

MzHz · 05/04/2021 23:34

Other..

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 23:34

Does he often behave like this?

Yes that’s his default reaction to any arguments/disagreement. Slam doors , cry and I feel guilty and just compromise.

OP posts:

BooomShakeTheRoom · 05/04/2021 23:39

How often does he scream at you and slam doors? That's seems like a really aggressive approach from him.

YANBU. He should be defending you not them. And no, teenage boys won't want to be there.

theuncles · 05/04/2021 23:40

@Yellownotblue

Any perspectives welcome please but in a kind way. If you don’t agree please tell me without any negativity as I’m really down and can’t handle anymore conflict.

OP I want to applaud this paragraph in your post. I completely understand you don’t want to be trolled and I want you to know your feelings are completely legitimate.

As to the substance of your post, I think you should have two parties. I don’t think excluding DH’s sisters is a good long term move. If boys are worshipped in DH’s culture, chances are your DH was the golden child and his DSis suffered a lot and there is built up resentment. I would advise you not to engage in that conflict.

Just serve food, have a cake, smile and let any negativity wash over you.

The upper hand usually wins...

Agree with this. You obviously don't fancy the 'two party' idea so get it all over with in one go. As PPs have said, make your DH sort everything for his side of the family. You organise your family and the schoolfriends.

On the day you will have enough allies to be able to hand responsibility for his family over to him - smile breezily, quick "hello how lovely to see you - ooh here's Mr Suzie to get your drink......". You can legitimately spend time with everyone else and still have done your family duty!

Longer term you may need to think about things - but you can do this. You can deal with your anxiety by planning well and having your family there. Your DD will have the best birthday! Good luck....!

MuddlingMackem · 05/04/2021 23:45

YANBU to just have a party for school friends and similar age cousins, so organise that.

If your DH is so insistent on one with his family then let him crack on and you keep out of it.

Gozogozo · 05/04/2021 23:57

Asian family?

Your H's behaviour is learned from his birth family. Going to be hard to change it.

Short term, asking that he organises his family while you organise yours is a possibility. Not sure if he will though - if he grew up in a 'man's word is obeyed' world, he may just push back. Also, its not really a great way to conduct family life, though I completely get why you would want to do so.

Long term - Is he pushing you to have another child son if so, I really feel for you, & I would not do so lightly.

I'm sorry if I have misread the situation and wish you well.

billy1966 · 06/04/2021 00:07

Your husband sounds like a nasty, aggressive bully.

You poor woman and your poor daughter.

Do you want to remain married to him?

He sounds awful.

Hankunamatata · 06/04/2021 00:13

Even if his sisters come, your sisters will be there to act as a buffer. The teens will probably sit in another room on their phones anyway.

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/04/2021 00:17

Then say he needs to arrange it all because you won’t have any part of it. He does the invites and arranges food and cake, party games etc

Let him know how much work is involved and he’ll soon dismiss the idea! Maybe just have you and him and DD for a day out this year on her birthday and leave the parties til she’s older

SeasonFinale · 06/04/2021 00:25

Do the party you planned (with friends and your family) then just a tea for his family with a cake. Send invitations that set the time too e.g. 3pm to 5pm. Then it sets the expectation for the length of stay.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/04/2021 00:27

Do you want your DD to see your life with your DH and think it is normal?

LudoTrouble · 06/04/2021 00:39

It sounds like he's very hurt by his family's behaviour and longs to be part of the family crowd. Maybe he even feels guilty or ashamed for having a girl and not a boy?

He fantasises about having them all there to celebrate his daughter's birthday like a happy family without acknowledging all the reasons that is a fantasy.

His reaction is horrible and he sounds very emotionally stunted.

I think you should definitely invite your own sisters, and get him to invite his family if he wants them there. On the day, just focus on your child and your lovely sisters will help you get through it.

PerveenMistry · 06/04/2021 01:10

@ineedaholidaynow

Do you want your DD to see your life with your DH and think it is normal?

This.

Do you want your daughter to have your life?

Saltyslug · 06/04/2021 01:39

Hold two parties. One for friends/cousins daughters age and the other party for his family and other mature relatives.

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 06/04/2021 05:35

Thank you everyone for the replies. I’m looking at all possibilities suggested. I’m so angry with DH it’s not that he wants his sisters there it’s that it’s zero regard for my feelings. In past get together his sisters have ignored me and spoken rudely to me. Does he not understand how anxious I’ll be feeling incase they kick off in front of DD’s school friends. I just feel everyone lives their own lives but I’m always under pressure of doing the right thing all the time.

He doesn’t get that his sisters have made no effort with us as a family. They’re both spoilt and know they won’t be called out on all the shit behaviour and nastiness. I’m so angry I can’t sleep. He won’t even discuss anything he just throws a tantrum until I give in.

I’m thinking of suggesting kids party in morning/afternoon and adult party that his sisters and teenage nephews can come to in evening or late afternoon.

DH has no friends either which makes me think he sees his sisters as his only “friends”. If he put in as much effort and thought with other people our life would be so much better. I don’t think he likes his family much as he doesn’t really speak to them but they are his only “friends”.

I wish I had known him better before I married him. Lots of things not right. Such as he slams doors when my family have visited in past but doesn’t do that when others around I.e. party settings. When my family came to see my daughter he was so rude and kept trying to leave the house and drive to McDonald’s (he was really drunk but was acting weird before even drinking). I had to keep running out of the house with my week old baby to stop him driving! I’m really at my end now. It’s never a simple thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 06/04/2021 05:41

His mum is a bit weird too like that she acts really moody when my family are around and sulks. In past 10 years my family have probably visited 6 times in total and MIL has never been happy. It’s been noted by others too that she was quite childish and moody and unwelcoming.

I really wish I understood why they act like that. My family are never welcome when all they do is try to bridge gaps in the relationship and try to make my marriage work but his sisters who try to break us up and cause conflict must be at every function.

I feel like I’m going crazy. How can anyone be that blind to what is going on. He must at some level know how nasty they are abs how they’ve tried to break our marriage up.

OP posts:

LittleRa · 06/04/2021 06:04

@Suzie2aeree

I feel like I’m going crazy. How can anyone be that blind to what is going on. He must at some level know how nasty they are abs how they’ve tried to break our marriage up.

Do you live with your MIL?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 06/04/2021 06:06

Christ, don't give in to him. Why on earth would teenagers want to go to a 5yr olds party?

Has your MIL mentioned something about it to him?

If he wants to facilitate a relationship with his sisters he can do so.

In the meantime you should make plans to leave. If he also pulls the wanting to drive when drink stunt again, call the police on him.

billy1966 · 06/04/2021 06:55

He is trying to separate you from your family.
Do NOT let him do this.
Stay close to your family.

He is not a good man.
Protect yourself.

Isthisit22 · 06/04/2021 07:25

Forget about your daughter's party for now. You are causing yourself unnecessary anxiety over something that is months away.
Instead focus on what's going on in your relationship and trying to truly see if you need to leave a place that is harmful to you and your daughter.

ViviPru · 06/04/2021 07:32

@Isthisit22

Forget about your daughter's party for now. You are causing yourself unnecessary anxiety over something that is months away. Instead focus on what's going on in your relationship and trying to truly see if you need to leave a place that is harmful to you and your daughter.

100% this.

The thought of starting a life alone might feel daunting and overwhelming, but you have a lifetime of this behaviour ahead of you if you stay. I know what I find scarier....

Shelby2010 · 06/04/2021 07:35

Also, if you’re DD is school aged, then I wouldn’t expect the parents to stay if the party is at your house.

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