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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws drama please help

73 replies

Suzie2aeree · 05/04/2021 22:29

Been married over 10 years. DH has 2 sisters who are much older and they have teenage/older boys: youngest is 14 and eldest is 20. They have made zero effort with me over the years and quite frankly been emotionally abusive. I stuck up for myself the years following when my daughter was born.

They have been very dismissive of me to the point where they said they glad they don’t have daughters when my daughter was born! And no they not jealous as in the culture girls are seen as second class citizens and boys are bloody worshipped. I stayed quiet for years and finally let it all out. I was obviously made out to be the bad one but I don’t care. Not spoken for 1.5 years and covid has been somewhat of a blessing.

Problem now is I was making plans with him for our daughters upcoming birthday in the summer holidays (August) and he got angry as I said we’ll just invite 4 friends from her school and cousins who are closer in age. Obviously rules out his family as they older so he kicked off saying he wants sisters there. Bear in mind they don’t have any relationship with him they have never been close.

I feel it’s weird inviting teenage boys to a little girls party and because I hate his sisters my thoughts are they not coming. This is causing a huge fight he stormed off and slammed the doors. I’ve tried to sit down abs talk but he screaming and I’m worried neighbours hearing is so going to leave it.

When my daughter was 3 we invited the nephews and his sisters and the boys were obviously not interested they sat through it all on their phones and gadgets. Sisters made no effort with me and made me feel uneasy.

Am I being unreasonable? If I got along with them I would have no issues inviting them and their sons but I absolutely hate how they have treated me.

My mum is suggesting just to leave it as friends and not to invite my sisters and the younger nephews/nieces who are all under 8. But why should my daughter not have them there? We always get invited to all the kids parties on my side of the family but have never on his side. Not once in 10 years.

Any perspectives welcome please but in a kind way. If you don’t agree please tell me without any negativity as I’m really down and can’t handle anymore conflict.

Just for extra context: I suffer from really bad social anxiety and having my sisters there will calm me. I don’t know any of daughters friends mum as she started school during covid and so we have never had any play dates. I’m really anxious about it but want to be “normal” for the sake of my child. This is pissing be off more as he knows how anxious and shy I am and I’m trying to change but he’s making it difficult. I’m thinking if just not having a party. He wants us to just be us as a family with no friends.

OP posts:

LadyDangerfield · 06/04/2021 07:42

I'd book a kids activity party in Sept after school & invite the sil & see if her teens turn up to a Frozen party. I doubt they will but your biggest problem is your dh & his abusive behaviour towards you.

Are you seeking treatment for your social anxiety? You should as it will stop you from living your own life and making choices such as dumping your dh. Anxiety is crippling however it'll probably disappear if you got rid of your husband.

Thatwentbadly · 06/04/2021 07:42

“ He must at some level know how nasty they are abs how they’ve tried to break our marriage up.”
Your marriage is already very broken. Your DH is emotional abusive to the point that you now have social anxiety and your scared to question him about anything. Is this really the life you want for you and your daughter? Is this what you want her to grow up and think is the right way for her husband to treat her?

If you were my friend or my sister I would be so worried about you. Please take care.

HoppingPavlova · 06/04/2021 07:43

What 14-20 year old boys would agree to go to a little girls party? Mine would rather stick forks in their eyes!

RestingPandaFace · 06/04/2021 07:55

I’m going to go against the grain and say don’t have 2 parties, arrange one at soft play or similar with a very girly theme.

Have your sisters and DM there and get them to support you in managing the adults so that you can focus on the children.

There’s no way that teenage boys will want to go, and no way that they will join in if they do. You can greet everyone but then keep yourself busy with the children.

This would also give the party a very fixed end time and mean that you don’t have the additional stress of having then in your home.

TimmyOnTheBrain · 06/04/2021 07:56

His mum is a bit weird too like that she acts really moody when my family are around and sulks. In past 10 years my family have probably visited 6 times in total and MIL has never been happy. It’s been noted by others too that she was quite childish and moody and unwelcoming I don't understand this part of your post. Do you live with your mother in law?

JackieWeaverFever · 06/04/2021 08:09

@Isthisit22

Forget about your daughter's party for now. You are causing yourself unnecessary anxiety over something that is months away. Instead focus on what's going on in your relationship and trying to truly see if you need to leave a place that is harmful to you and your daughter.

Yep this.

Your husband and marriage are the problem. Focus on that.

billybagpuss · 06/04/2021 08:14

@RestingPandaFace idea is a very good one, have a venue party. You are limited to 2 hours, DH can slope off to the bar with his family and you can enjoy it with dd and her friends. If it’s somewhere like a soft play linked to a bowling alley DH could even pay for his nephews to bowl so they may even semi have fun.

LadyDangerfield · 06/04/2021 08:16

From your posts, I take it that you're from a different culture and you live with your in laws as is customary? Does your mil treat your sil's in laws like shit or just yours? These women will treat their dd's in laws well because they don't want their dd's to be abused by their in-laws. Yes, they treat their own dils like shit & this behaviour is part of the abusive script. It's very common in Asian cultures yet nobody talks about is, usually the female in laws are the biggest narc abusers.

Soontobe60 · 06/04/2021 08:23

Reminding him of how shit his family have been towards him and you wont help. He already knows that, don’t keep reminding him. That’s why he’s getting angry. He wants a family party because of this, to show them that he is able to do the right thing and include all his family.

Families are complicated!!

Have 2 parties - one a full on kids party with her friends where you have games, party bags and cake, and one a family party where its just an open house with a buffet. Don’t fall out with your DH over this - you both need each other’s support.

TinyTear · 06/04/2021 08:34

@Shelby2010

Also, if you’re DD is school aged, then I wouldn’t expect the parents to stay if the party is at your house.

Parents tend to stay in parties for Reception and maybe y1, only drop off from year 2 where i am

Itsalonghaul · 06/04/2021 08:48

I wonder if your anxiety stems from living with a man that is so volatile and unstable. I would feel very stressed living like you do op.

I would forget the party for now, and focus on the issues at hand:

He doesn't have your back
He is volatile and frightening when he doesn't get his way
He needs to have more respect for your position

Address all three with him now, and I wouldn't carry on as you are. Call him out every single time.

It is not your problem that he doesn't have friends.
I would make the birthday celebration low key - and maybe not at home op if you feel anxious. Your dd will have a special time whatever you do.
Invite your sister if she helps you feel more comfortable.

Original poster

Suzie2aeree · 06/04/2021 09:02

Thank you everyone. I’ve not slept hardly all night thinking.

No MIL doesn’t live with us she lives 2 streets away. But she is very involved in our lives. We cannot do anything without her permission. I’ve learnt to deal with her. She has improved massively over the years! When DD was born she would walk in with spare key and just take her, she would cry because I didn’t give DD name she wanted. She even stopped people giving us gifts and to “wait till I have a grandson”. We clashed so much but things are better as she now knows I will fight back.

OP posts:

LudoTrouble · 06/04/2021 11:56

'She even stopped people giving us gifts and to “wait till I have a grandson”.'

This is so far beyond the pale. I'm speechless!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 06/04/2021 12:15

Honestly is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Because what Im seeing is an abusive dynamic. Is your dh the black sheep/scapegoat of the family? It sounds as if he is desperate for their approval (which he will never get) so is bullying you into doing what he thinks will get him acceptance. He cant see how fucked up it is because he doesnt know any better - see how he behaves in conflict. Im sure if any of us were living like this then we would have anxiety too. Please think about leaving this relationship.

Dontbeme · 06/04/2021 12:30

Forget organising two birthday parties, you need to organise a divorce. Do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking this is the way a husband treats his wife, you are preparing her to end up in an abusive marriage.

RealOrFake · 06/04/2021 13:09

I’m confused as to why so many are suggesting two parties.

There are weird family dynamics at play here ... which you are a saint for putting up with and I do think you should be really considering if your marriage is worth holding on to as it doesn’t sound very happy. However, even if everything was all lovely and friendly with your inlaws and own family since when does every single family member need to be invited to a child’s birthday party???

Genuinely confused by this expectation. It’s a party for a young girl and four of her school friends. Her younger similar aged cousins are invited which makes sense. Why would her older teenage cousins be invited?? Even if they were close it’s not necessary. In my circles they’d be invited only in a “helping out” circumstances. Wider family not invited to a party. They’d meet later for family cake and gifts either in group or individual family groups. We make arrangements to visit my nieces and nephews around their birthday when it suits then and don’t expect to gate crash their parties with their friends. Sometimes this is a day out together but sometimes it’s just a popping in to hand over a gift and have a quick chat with them.

OP go ahead with your original plans for your daughter. Don’t feel you need to
Invite teenage boys she doesn’t know! Don’t feel you need to invite aunties she didn’t know existed. Don’t feel you need to do anything for his family. If he things they are being left out he can take your dd another time to mil house for a birthday meal. Personally I’d be avoiding them completely and seriously considering my future.

Tistheseason17 · 06/04/2021 13:56

It must be so hard walking in egg shells around him all the time.

I think if he's always like this I'd be making plans to leave as this is no way for you and your DD to live.

LuaDipa · 06/04/2021 16:36

You poor thing, they all sound horrendous. Tbh I would do my best to extricate myself from this entire shitshow. I completely agree with pp re soft play party for friends and your family and cake for dh’s family. And I would leave them to it and bugger off out. And I don’t believe the nonsense about daughters for a minute since your sil’s seem to do no wrong. You deserve so much better than this and so does your dd.

Blacktothepink · 06/04/2021 17:57

Fuck that!

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2021 18:35

You do realise that the root of your anxiety is your husband, don't you?

Whydidyouask · 06/04/2021 18:46

Oh I totally feel for you. I have the worst in-laws in the history of in-laws. I will not have most of them in my house as they are truly toxic.
In your shoes, before things get worst, I would have 2parties. One for your DD’s friends, one for family. Smile like a loon, tell them gushingly how wonderful it is to see them, tell them to help themselves, make themselves at home them just bloody ignore the lot of them!!
You won’t get anywhere with people like this, you will always be the bad guy. Don’t engage with it.
Smile on your face, ignore, ignore, ignore.

billy1966 · 06/04/2021 19:12

@Dontbeme

I really agree.

Why you would want to remain part of such an awful family with your weak excuse of a husband.

Life is just too short.

Veronika13 · 07/04/2021 01:58

If you suffer from horrendous social anxiety then why do you invite people over? Just go out for a day with your daughter and your DH. I used to have social anxiety and I would limit gatherings like that- but to actually organise an event is so stressful!

I'd think of my mental health and just have a day for you 3.

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