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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do we or don't we?

60 replies

everthedilemma · 05/04/2021 15:38

Hi

I've posted here for traffic which I hope is ok.

Every day I live with the dilemma as to whether to have another child. I am 40 at the end of this year and I have one DD who is 6.
I had severe preeclampsia with DD which I don't feel that I have ever really got over. I was fit healthy and no family history and it was a total shock and very scary.
DD was healthy thankfully but was premature & small at 35 weeks with only a couple of days in scbu as I was so poorly. I had a 2 week stay in hospital with erratic blood pressure prior to an emergency c section.
We are a small family with only 1 cousin (not local) and this year has made me notice just how small it is. I feel like I owe it to my DD to provide a sibling as I feel she is lonely at times and I feel like I want another. We of course play with our DD as much as we can as she so very much loved.
I worry about the future for her when we are much older although I understand there is no guarantee siblings will get on.

DH would have another and I feel there is a little resentment there if we don't at least try.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really but I suppose it's whether you would think I'm crazy trying again at the age I am and with what happened last time. I feel we are at a stage that a final decision needs to be made and move on as it kills me everyday. Anyone else been in the same position?

Thanks for reading Confused

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/04/2021 15:41

The age gap will be too big for them to have anything much in common so I wouldn’t have another as you feel she needs a sibling. As for her future, she will make her own family.

Have a child of you both really want want and finances/space allow for it but I wouldn’t do it just to provide a sibling.

Mistressinthetulips · 05/04/2021 15:45

There about 5 years between my dc and they don't play much together - more on holidays, but not day to day.
In my own family I have siblings 14 and 15 years older than me and we get on really well as adults.

dotdashdashdash · 05/04/2021 15:47

My sister and I are 6 years apart and as kids we just irritated the hell out of each other - she always wanted to tag along with my friends and I didn't want her to.

As adults we are on ok terms but not close.

Don't have kids just for the sake of siblings.

Notinhampshirenow · 05/04/2021 15:54

The age gap thing is ridiculous. I have a 9 year abs gap between me and my sister and we are so close and had a good relationship growing up. My son and daughter have a 7 year age gap and they have play together... and have a good relationship.

SunIsComing · 05/04/2021 15:58

In 6 years your dd will be at high school and irritated by a six year old.

Original poster
everthedilemma · 05/04/2021 16:02

Thank you for all your replies so far.

I am an only child myself and struggled with it. Never thought I would just have one.

My DD is so maternal, maybe I am delusional that she would be the best big sister

OP posts:
Teapotsandtablecloths · 05/04/2021 16:06

My sibling is 5 years older than me, growing up we were just too far apart. They left primary school as i moved into the school, they left high school the year i joined etc. We have nothing in common and didn't play together as children. So i wouldnt do it to provide a sibling as they probably won't be as close as you'd like.

If you want another for the fact of having another, then sure if space and ££ allows then why not 😊

Onmywayup · 05/04/2021 16:13

There are 5 years between my girls and as much as my eldest is very much into her ‘teen stuff’ now, they still play wonderfully together. I am sure this will change but she genuinely is a lovely big sister. I myself have a sister 4 years younger and another 9 years younger and we’re all very close, and I’ve been especially close to my youngest sister. As adults I think it’s completely different.

Like others have said, if you want another for you then go for it, siblings go through different stages and I don’t think anyone will ever know how close they’re likely to be!

2bazookas · 05/04/2021 16:22

With one child age 6, the world is your oyster; good age to travel, stay in unfamiliar places, you can take them anywhere, share so many fun activities ,hobbies, sports and interests The brakes are off She has all your attention and time.

A new baby won't ever be much of a playmate /companion to a 7 yr old , but it will take up a huge amount of parental time and attention and considerably limit all family activities for years to come.

Mylovelyhorsee · 05/04/2021 16:31

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

This is ridiculous I have siblings with that age gap and we were much closer growing up than my friends with closer age gaps and we are still fiercely close now. They are my absolute best friends. It’s down to the person not the age gap.

Original poster
everthedilemma · 05/04/2021 16:38

Thank you all for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

I suppose it's the health worries too that I am trying to work through. There are obvious risks and already being a mum I have more responsibility this time.

Perhaps I have rose tinted glasses on what could be.

They say you regret the children you didn't have rather than the ones you do! I already regret waiting this long. There is of course no guarantee that I could conceive again 2.

I need a crystal ball

OP posts:
Mylovelyhorsee · 05/04/2021 16:43

@everthedilemma
My sister is a similar age to you, had no health concerns and had preeclampsia in her first pregnancy (all ended well but was touch and go) she didn’t have preeclampsia in subsequent pregnancies, she was closely monitored and took aspirin every day. This is just one case but hopefully give you a fuller picture.

Original poster
everthedilemma · 05/04/2021 16:47

@Mylovelyhorsee

Thank you! Can I ask what the age gap is between her children? Just thinking about preeclampsia rather than sibling age?

OP posts:
Tal45 · 05/04/2021 17:13

3 year age gap here and we hated each other, not so bad now as we just don't really speak. I definitely wouldn't put my life at risk for a child I wasn't sure I wanted as I think if you've had preeclampsia you're more likely to have it again.
I would wait just a little bit to see how you feel when things open up more and you can all socialise more, things are very abnormal at the moment.

NothingIcando · 05/04/2021 17:37

Have a child because you want one.
Please dont have a child 'as company' for the other.

I was conceived for this very purpose. My sister had tormented me my whole life and resented me being born. We do not speak.

Notimeforaname · 05/04/2021 17:39

Yes also don't put your health at risk again for a play mate for your daughter.
It was sad growing up knowing that's why they had me. It backfired massively.

Original poster
everthedilemma · 05/04/2021 17:42

@NothingIcando

I'm so sorry to hear that. Can I ask what is the age gap between you?
There is just no guarantee is there.

I can see that my DD is so envious of other children with younger siblings and she always wants to 'mother' them much to the annoyance of the older sibling as they get protective over their baby sibling. Then DD gets upset.

She used to ask a lot why she didn't have a sibling.

OP posts:
msb86 · 05/04/2021 18:32

There is a 10 year age gap between me and my brother. I absolutely adored him from the moment I met him, we are and always have been very close.

Original poster
everthedilemma · 06/04/2021 17:23

Thank you all for your replies

I have a feeling that I won't pluck up the courage to try again and I will probably be forever in regret.

It really is now or never Confused

OP posts:
Roszie · 06/04/2021 17:26

My sister is 6 years older and we never played together and hardly speak these days. Gap was too big and we had nothing in common except parents.

jessstan2 · 06/04/2021 17:39

@everthedilemma

Thank you for all your replies so far.

I am an only child myself and struggled with it. Never thought I would just have one.

My DD is so maternal, maybe I am delusional that she would be the best big sister

Me too, everthedilemma.

However I quite happy now that I just had one.

Things tend to work out how they should.

We are both fortunate to have a child.

DoingItMyself · 06/04/2021 17:48

My (only child) dd and her (only child) dh thought they'd have a lot, but she nearly died giving birth to the first. So, they sensibly decided that the child they have needs a mother, and they wouldn't take any risks. Without intending it that way, they have my dgd, an only child also.

She's 9 and all her family are old. Me, old and ailing. My brother seriously ill. My father nearly 90. Her other grandma in her seventies and seems quite robust. Her step-grandad in his seventies and very ill. Both her bio grandads already dead. Her mother has had three close calls with death and is not yet forty. Father seems fairly robust. It seems we've put her in a very vulnerable position but we didn't have any choice in the matter.

If you can safely have more, do.

Overthinking1 · 06/04/2021 17:52

ignore people saying the age gap is too much, i have a 12 and 17 year gap between me and my siblings as we get on great. yes we weren't playing the same games together growing up, but from being adults it's as rewarding a relationship as any friends have with their siblings. I'd go ahead and have a second !

HedgeOwl · 06/04/2021 18:03

Ignore the age gap thing. We have friends with 5 years between 1&2 and 6 years between 2&3. I’ve never seen a more loving complete family unit where the kids all get on and play together. Another with 2 kids 8 years apart and they are closer than friends with close in age kids.

Maybe get an appointment to speak to a consultant? Your GP probably wouldn’t be able to advise at this level and you might need to make a private appointment to do so atm.

Do it because you want another child not because you feel duty bound.

They will monitor you closely this time and perhaps you won’t be as bad.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 06/04/2021 18:10

This isn't an answer you can crowd source - you will be able to find a hundred people who say "I had an age gap with my sibling and we got on great" and a hundred more who will say "I loathed my sibling, we never speak". Its also pretty taboo to admit to regretting a child, so the adage "you regret the children you don't have" isn't always accurate.

One thing I would say is that your six year old doesn't really have an understanding of what a baby entails. So how much she seems to enjoy short periods of time playing with babies isn't really an accurate gauge of how much she would enjoy having a baby in the house 24-7. She may not like it so much when she realises that they cry all the time, are velcroed to mum and dad, she has to share, etc.

Which is why you need to make the decision, not her. It's totally unreasonable to let a six year old have that much responsibility over a life changing decision. Do you want another baby, and are you prepared to take the financial and physical hit? Not so that she has a sibling, or because she says she wants a baby to play with, or because you have a picture in your head of the perfect sibling relationship, but because you actually want to raise another child.

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