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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do we or don't we?

60 replies

everthedilemma · 05/04/2021 15:38

Hi

I've posted here for traffic which I hope is ok.

Every day I live with the dilemma as to whether to have another child. I am 40 at the end of this year and I have one DD who is 6.
I had severe preeclampsia with DD which I don't feel that I have ever really got over. I was fit healthy and no family history and it was a total shock and very scary.
DD was healthy thankfully but was premature & small at 35 weeks with only a couple of days in scbu as I was so poorly. I had a 2 week stay in hospital with erratic blood pressure prior to an emergency c section.
We are a small family with only 1 cousin (not local) and this year has made me notice just how small it is. I feel like I owe it to my DD to provide a sibling as I feel she is lonely at times and I feel like I want another. We of course play with our DD as much as we can as she so very much loved.
I worry about the future for her when we are much older although I understand there is no guarantee siblings will get on.

DH would have another and I feel there is a little resentment there if we don't at least try.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really but I suppose it's whether you would think I'm crazy trying again at the age I am and with what happened last time. I feel we are at a stage that a final decision needs to be made and move on as it kills me everyday. Anyone else been in the same position?

Thanks for reading Confused

OP posts:
Squidgyflump · 06/04/2021 21:16

I had my first DD through IVF and developed severe pre eclampsia at 26 weeks. She was born by emergency c-section at 31 weeks where my blood pressure had reached dangerous levels and the doctor feared if they didn't get baby out, it would develop pretty quickly into eclampsia. Dd arrived healthy but extremely small (2lb 2). I was in hospital for 5 weeks and my daughter for 4 weeks. It took me a long time to come to terms with everything. I don't think I'd fully appreciated how much we'd been through between the ivf, how near the mark we had been with the pre -eclampsia and then having such a premature baby.

Just over two years later, I fell pregnant naturally and completely by surprise. I was pretty petrified but because of my previous history but I knew all the signs to look out for and I was very well monitored. Whenever I had any concerns, they would have me in the hospital for peace of mind, but It was completely fine with no real issues...

I was put on 75mg of aspirin and my DD2 arrived a couple of months before my 40th birthday. She was two weeks late weighing nearly 10lbs!! A massive difference.

(I know two other people who had pre eclampsia with first child but not with second)

DontBeRidiculous · 06/04/2021 21:19

I'm closer to the sibling who is ten years my junior than I am to the one only three years younger. The age gap isn't guaranteed to be a problem, at all!

Timeandtune · 06/04/2021 21:23

I had DS2 at the age of 40. DS1 was 7 at the time. I had several miscarriages before he came along.
I have never felt too old but have fortunately kept in good health and continued to work.
FWIW my two are very close and always have been They are 28 and 21 now.
I don’t have any regrets about having two but equally we had a happy life before DS2 came along. We would definitely be financially richer if he had never been born but MUCH poorer in every other way.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 06/04/2021 21:28

I have one ds 7 and I'm 41.I echo what pp said and only have another because you want one not just for company for your dd.Im not having anymore, as much as I get pangs of guilt for ds I know I'm done.

FenwickRose · 06/04/2021 22:05

In your shoes OP my first port of call would be my doctor to discuss the likelihood of pre-eclampsia again. Then you can make an informed decision.

everthedilemma · 07/04/2021 08:00

Thank you all, it is really useful reading your own stories and perspectives.

Thank you for suggesting medical advice. This has already been done with a consultant, the same ob/gynae consultant that looked after me when things were going wrong last time and I'm still no clearer. It is a gamble essentially.

I need to dig deep and make a decision either way and stop driving myself mad x

OP posts:
VikingsandDragons · 07/04/2021 11:48

I had pre-e (and HELLP) with my first pregnancy and delivered at 28 weeks, therefore was considered high risk for subsequent pregnancies I had to have a pre-conception appointment for the second one (which we actually did well before we considered trying, because I wanted to guage risk). If they haven't told you to have a pre-conception appointment or to make contact with the hospital (not the gp, or midwife team) as soon as you get a positive test, then they don't consider you high risk, which should be reassuring in and of itself. Below advice is what I remember being told, I'm not a medic so don't take this as medical advice, just someone who spent a lot of time in hospital and has had 2 micro preemies.

What I was told was:
My consultant had never lost a mum to pre-e in a subsequent pregnancy, nor did he know of any loss to pre-e in the NHS group he was in in a 2nd or further pregnancy for the simple reason that if you are considered high risk they watch you like a hawk. I had twice weekly monitoring from 20 weeks, as well as weekly scans.

He advised me either to have the second pregnancy within 2 years of the first, or to do a 3-6 month 'dramatic' weight loss and exercise routine prior to the second pregnancy to loose weight fast (bear in mind I was bmi 24 so not overweight). The reason for both of these is that when you are pregnant your blood volume increases, so the vessels dilate to accomodate that additional volume. This is why many women see a decrease in their blood pressure in the second trimester. So by falling pregnant quickly I could piggy back on already having that dilation still going back to it's normal size to keep my pressure lower for longer. Rapid weight loss and exercise could trigger a similar effect but rapid was the key ( I went from just under 11 stone to just over 8 in 4 months).

I should be clear being overweight has been shown to have only a small impact on likelihood to develop pre-e, it cannot be controlled through diet (although vitamin D and calcium supplementation has shown some small success in clinical trials), the reason I was advised to loose weight was the dilation of the blood vessels and the time it takes them to contract, not for my weight generally.

Because I developed pre-e early and fast (went from first +1 protein to full HELLP and +4 protein within 4 days) my chances of getting it again were high, but it would likely be after 30 weeks and more slow to develop.

If you have remained on anti hypertensives after your pregnancy then it is now essential hypertension, not just pre-e, so this does increase the chance of developing pre-e again. If you have managed to come off them and you developed pre-e after 34 weeks then your risk of developing pre-e a second time is only about 10% higher than any other pregnant lady.

The dose of anti-hypertensives you had to take during pregnancy again has an impact on how likely you are to develop pre-e. A low dose of one medication is low risk, or high dose of all 3 is obviously higher.

Overall the takeaway for me is because I had it early, and severe I was likely to get it again but not until later and probably more slow to develop. If I had had it at term or early term then the liklihood is it wouldn't have impacted on a subsequent pregnancy. A very small number of women break these rules and get it earlier or more severe a second time, but he was keen to stress that it is a very very small number who don't follow this pattern.

We did have a second, I didn't develop pre-e BUT I may have done if I had gone to term, I still delivered at 30 weeks as there was an issue with the cord which was picked up very early due to my weekly scans, and in some ways pre-e saved that second pregnancy as most people with this complication don't have it picked up until after the baby has sadly passed away.

In terms of age gap, there are 5 1/2 years between my brother and I, we played together as children very happily, we weren't close as teens and we're not wildly close now, but we do love each other and I know I could depend on him. My eldest is now 9 and would LOVE another sibling, so I do think it depends on the child rather than the age gap. A large gap also means there is more chance to spread the cost of uni, activities etc, and you get to enjoy time as a parent with them separately doing what they enjoy rather than just as a 'children' collective.

Everthedilemma · 07/04/2021 22:18

@VikingsandDragons

I had pre-e (and HELLP) with my first pregnancy and delivered at 28 weeks, therefore was considered high risk for subsequent pregnancies I had to have a pre-conception appointment for the second one (which we actually did well before we considered trying, because I wanted to guage risk). If they haven't told you to have a pre-conception appointment or to make contact with the hospital (not the gp, or midwife team) as soon as you get a positive test, then they don't consider you high risk, which should be reassuring in and of itself. Below advice is what I remember being told, I'm not a medic so don't take this as medical advice, just someone who spent a lot of time in hospital and has had 2 micro preemies.

What I was told was:
My consultant had never lost a mum to pre-e in a subsequent pregnancy, nor did he know of any loss to pre-e in the NHS group he was in in a 2nd or further pregnancy for the simple reason that if you are considered high risk they watch you like a hawk. I had twice weekly monitoring from 20 weeks, as well as weekly scans.

He advised me either to have the second pregnancy within 2 years of the first, or to do a 3-6 month 'dramatic' weight loss and exercise routine prior to the second pregnancy to loose weight fast (bear in mind I was bmi 24 so not overweight). The reason for both of these is that when you are pregnant your blood volume increases, so the vessels dilate to accomodate that additional volume. This is why many women see a decrease in their blood pressure in the second trimester. So by falling pregnant quickly I could piggy back on already having that dilation still going back to it's normal size to keep my pressure lower for longer. Rapid weight loss and exercise could trigger a similar effect but rapid was the key ( I went from just under 11 stone to just over 8 in 4 months).

I should be clear being overweight has been shown to have only a small impact on likelihood to develop pre-e, it cannot be controlled through diet (although vitamin D and calcium supplementation has shown some small success in clinical trials), the reason I was advised to loose weight was the dilation of the blood vessels and the time it takes them to contract, not for my weight generally.

Because I developed pre-e early and fast (went from first +1 protein to full HELLP and +4 protein within 4 days) my chances of getting it again were high, but it would likely be after 30 weeks and more slow to develop.

If you have remained on anti hypertensives after your pregnancy then it is now essential hypertension, not just pre-e, so this does increase the chance of developing pre-e again. If you have managed to come off them and you developed pre-e after 34 weeks then your risk of developing pre-e a second time is only about 10% higher than any other pregnant lady.

The dose of anti-hypertensives you had to take during pregnancy again has an impact on how likely you are to develop pre-e. A low dose of one medication is low risk, or high dose of all 3 is obviously higher.

Overall the takeaway for me is because I had it early, and severe I was likely to get it again but not until later and probably more slow to develop. If I had had it at term or early term then the liklihood is it wouldn't have impacted on a subsequent pregnancy. A very small number of women break these rules and get it earlier or more severe a second time, but he was keen to stress that it is a very very small number who don't follow this pattern.

We did have a second, I didn't develop pre-e BUT I may have done if I had gone to term, I still delivered at 30 weeks as there was an issue with the cord which was picked up very early due to my weekly scans, and in some ways pre-e saved that second pregnancy as most people with this complication don't have it picked up until after the baby has sadly passed away.

In terms of age gap, there are 5 1/2 years between my brother and I, we played together as children very happily, we weren't close as teens and we're not wildly close now, but we do love each other and I know I could depend on him. My eldest is now 9 and would LOVE another sibling, so I do think it depends on the child rather than the age gap. A large gap also means there is more chance to spread the cost of uni, activities etc, and you get to enjoy time as a parent with them separately doing what they enjoy rather than just as a 'children' collective.

Thank you ever so much Viking, that is really useful x
OP posts:
hamper555 · 07/04/2021 22:29

I was told after suffering from preeclampsia with DD1 that as long as it was the same father, I would have a 0% chance of developing it with a second pregnancy. Guess what happened...!

However, chances of getting it a second time are severely reduced, and I am sure you would be closely monitored given your history and age.

I do know how you feel though, as given my experience with DD2, I didn't want to risk having a third due to potential risks to my own health.

Difficult decisions xx

balloonsintrees · 07/04/2021 22:47

Try for the baby, but know the risks and be prepared.

My body was utterly fucked when I fell pregnant for the second time. It took five years to have my first then a further 10 miscarriages in between the two - there is an 11 year age gap.
I was told I wouldn't fall pregnant again and certainly wouldn't carry past 11 weeks.

With my first I suffered horrendous hyper emesis throughout, haemorrhaged post birth then had a DVT the the following day.

For my second, I was in a wheelchair with a broken hip, waiting for a hip replacement, was on morphine and hourly oramorph, was 2 months post bariatric surgery and again had such severe hyperemesis the only thing I could keep down was black coffee and Brie. I lost 9 stone whilst pregnant and freaked out every midwife!

Planned c-section, lost 2 litres of blood on the table, didn't get to hold the baby for 7 hours after she was born.

I knew it was going to be rough, but I made myself informed and was brutally honest with my doctors and all the different midwives (also very difficult for me as I have bipolar and BPD). There was a fear the baby would be born addicted to morphine, so I had everything ready to cope with that. But I just had to go with the flow and not try to plan everything- prepare yes, plan, definitely not! My husband was working and I had to attend all appointments on my own , plus I was working full time.

If you want it to happen then try, but go in with eyes wide open. Humans can be resilient buggers and we can cope with far more than we think...

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