Do we or don't we?

[everthedilemma]

Hi

I've posted here for traffic which I hope is ok.

Every day I live with the dilemma as to whether to have another child. I am 40 at the end of this year and I have one DD who is 6.
I had severe preeclampsia with DD which I don't feel that I have ever really got over. I was fit healthy and no family history and it was a total shock and very scary.
DD was healthy thankfully but was premature & small at 35 weeks with only a couple of days in scbu as I was so poorly. I had a 2 week stay in hospital with erratic blood pressure prior to an emergency c section.
We are a small family with only 1 cousin (not local) and this year has made me notice just how small it is. I feel like I owe it to my DD to provide a sibling as I feel she is lonely at times and I feel like I want another. We of course play with our DD as much as we can as she so very much loved.
I worry about the future for her when we are much older although I understand there is no guarantee siblings will get on.

DH would have another and I feel there is a little resentment there if we don't at least try.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really but I suppose it's whether you would think I'm crazy trying again at the age I am and with what happened last time. I feel we are at a stage that a final decision needs to be made and move on as it kills me everyday. Anyone else been in the same position?

Thanks for reading

My sibling and I have a bigger age gap between us than you intend, and while we didn't play together as children (she was a teenager when I was a toddler), we are very, very close as adults and very good friends.

I appreciate that any pregnancy is a bit of a gamble and there is no such thing as zero risk, but have you spoken to medical professionals about any steps that could be taken to manage risk?

It's impossible to advise because so much is uncertain.
I have two children, with an 18 month ago, and I'd like another one or two. We've decided to stick though because I am 43 and we do t want to chance it.
Other people would probably go for it in our situation.
It is a gamble and it depends whether you're willing to risk it.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

This isn't an answer you can crowd source - you will be able to find a hundred people who say "I had an age gap with my sibling and we got on great" and a hundred more who will say "I loathed my sibling, we never speak". Its also pretty taboo to admit to regretting a child, so the adage "you regret the children you don't have" isn't always accurate.

One thing I would say is that your six year old doesn't really have an understanding of what a baby entails. So how much she seems to enjoy short periods of time playing with babies isn't really an accurate gauge of how much she would enjoy having a baby in the house 24-7. She may not like it so much when she realises that they cry all the time, are velcroed to mum and dad, she has to share, etc.

Which is why you need to make the decision, not her. It's totally unreasonable to let a six year old have that much responsibility over a life changing decision. Do you want another baby, and are you prepared to take the financial and physical hit? Not so that she has a sibling, or because she says she wants a baby to play with, or because you have a picture in your head of the perfect sibling relationship, but because you actually want to raise another child.

Thank you for your reply

Please don't think that I am expecting my 6 year old to make the decision it was merely commenting on her maternal personality.
You're right it would be very different for her having another baby in the house 24/7 needing our attention.

I'm really in 2 minds, preeclampsia frightens the hell out of me as I got very close to being gravely I'll yet there are many mothers who go on to have a healthy 2nd pregnancy but there is always the risk of it occurring again.

Thank u again

Picture yourself retired (70) at Christmas round the Christmas tree, is there one adult child or two who have come round for Christmas?

If there is one would you regret that there isn’t two or would you be happy with that?

It sounds like you really want another baby, and your DH wants another baby. The only reason not to would be if the medical advice you were getting (from an obstetrician - not from Mumsnet) was that there was a serious risk to you to do so after what happened last time. Focussing on the age gap between siblings is the wrong question.

You need to speak to the medics and make an informed decision.

If it's to try again then perhaps you and DH need to agree on how long to try for?

Without trying to scare you, at your age have you considered what life would be like if you had a baby with additional needs?

I have one dc. There is a risk that I would have a baby with additional needs (only found this out after having NT dc) and when we weighed it up, we are incredibly lucky to have one and we have a nice life and the impact of a child with special needs would be huge on all of us. It's not the family we planned but it's the one we got and we are very content for it.

I have tried to seek advice. I'm in the UK and all the advice I have had is that it is less likely to happen in a 2nd pregnancy but then again it could. They would monitor closely. This was from an OB consultant.

If I get pregnant I could probably have a test to assess the risk of it turning into preeclampsia but I would already be pregnant!

After having DD I only got the normal 6 week postpartum check up that follows every pregnancy. I know with other countries the after care with preeclampsia is much more thorough.

Picture yourself retired (70) at Christmas round the Christmas tree, is there one adult child or two who have come round for Christmas?

I see this a lot on here and find it nonsensical.

In my case I imagine 4 children round for Christmas dinner but as per my previous post, it's not going to happen.

There are far too many factors to pregnancy and child rearing for it to be decided upon by a Christmas dinner way in the future!

My now adult sons have 8 years age gap between them. As child ten they did not really play much together. As adults they are very close. They go to cinema together as both like same type of films obviously pre Covid. They will go for a drink together or do a BBQ again before Covid. Each son has his own set of friends but after my.own parents died I was so grateful to have sisters to share the grief with. I am also very reassured in knowing after I die my 3 adult children will still have each other. My dd gets on with both her dear brothers but lives far away do Teams chats with them.

There are more than 9 years between my two (not planned like that - had secondary infertility/recurrent miscarriages) and youngest was born a few days before I was 40. We had decided "one last try" and there she was!

I wouldn't say it is ideal being a parent again so late in life (my husband is older and turned 60 recently, our youngest is still only 6!) but its more than I worry about us both being around for a good chunk of her life. In "real terms" she has brought so much joy and happiness into our lives.

She and her brother bicker and annoy each other, and their interests are obviously quite different but they are also, unexpectedly close and he was delighted to have a sibling. It has really done him good I think, not so much because she is a companion (because she isn't!) but the shift in dynamics from an only child household to a two child household has been really good for him. I am not sure I am explaining this properly!

As some posters have indicated, you need to be aware of the heightened risks of infertility, miscarriage and chromosomal defects. I went through all this and it nearly broke me and my marriage. Now, it all feels worth it because I have my lovely daughter but sometimes (with a shudder) I wonder what would have become of me/us if we hadn't succeeded in the end.

It's a hard one. Personally in your position I wouldn't.

My 2 do play nice together but also fight and hit and pull (only going to worse as youngest is 1). They also cuddle and kiss and do sometimes play nice. There's only 2.5yrs between them though. My sister has 4yrs between her 2 and the eldest dotes on her wee sister. I'm sure ur dd sounds like she would be the same with a sibling. Don't do it just to giver her one though. You and ur dh have to really want to do it. Maybe make a list of advantages and disadvantages and go through then and try to make a decision.

I'm 40 and have a 2-year-old, my DH is in his 50s. We've been umm-ing and ahh-ing about trying for a second child. While I think I would love another, I know there is a higher risk of some conditions or a child needing lifelong care. I know both DH and I would both find that harder than possibly we could manage (both have mental health issues) so I'm edging towards just sticking with the one we're blessed with. It wouldn't be fair on either our existing DC or the child themselves.

It's a hard one, but I regularly just see myself as so blessed with one. Yes, there may be some regret in my life about not having another, but I think it's worth it just for our mental health!

I don't think the age gap is big at all. I am one of 5 and there is a 6 year age gap between me and my youngest sister. We get on fine.

I think if you feel you are up to it then go for it.

There is of course no guarantee I would even get pregnant again but it's the not trying that we could regret. If we know that we at least tried perhaps I would feel better but I could of course feel worse if it didn't happen.

Im also very concerned about potential chromosome issues 2 as I'm no spring chicken.

I do appreciate your responses and I don't expect a crowd source answer. Just seeing if anyone has been in my shoes really and can relate to the dilemma. All my friends have had very healthy pregnancies and as much as they try they can't really relate to my fears.

@everthedilemma

There is of course no guarantee I would even get pregnant again but it's the not trying that we could regret. If we know that we at least tried perhaps I would feel better but I could of course feel worse if it didn't happen.

Im also very concerned about potential chromosome issues 2 as I'm no spring chicken.

I do appreciate your responses and I don't expect a crowd source answer. Just seeing if anyone has been in my shoes really and can relate to the dilemma. All my friends have had very healthy pregnancies and as much as they try they can't really relate to my fears.

Sorry you had a traumatic first birth

Have you contacted the NHS perinatal mental health team? There was a feature about investment in that service on the news today. A woman had been through a similarly difficult experience and found it very useful.

It does sound like that's the thing holding you back.

It sounds to me like you want to give it a go op. I’d go for it

I know it's not quite the same OP but I had severe ICP in my first pregnancy and had to be induced early. I was completely healthy and it felt an awful shock after an otherwise smooth pregnancy up until that point (even though I did have a family history of it).
When I got pregnant with DD2 I was absolutely terrified the same thing would happen again and the odds definitely weren't in my favour (recurrence rate for ICP can be as high as 90% apparently). But the difference was this time that the consultants at the hospital were so cautious after my first pregnancy - I got bloods regularly tested throughout, I had extra checks and appointments. In the end I somehow managed to dodge ICP, which was a pleasant surprise!

I think what I'm trying to say is obviously no one could say for sure if the same thing would or wouldn't happen again but it's worth talking to your GP about it perhaps. And hopefully, given your history, you would be very closely monitored throughout any pregnancy, so that could be of somehow comfort. I feel for you, it's a difficult decision but definitely don't be afraid to seek medical guidance on how you could perhaps navigate it.

*meant to add, your GP may not be able to provide answers as such so definitely don't be afraid to ask them to be referred to a more appropriate source of help, such as a specialist. Good luck!

Sorry you had such a rough time first time round, and are facing this struggle. It's such a personal decision whether to try for subsequent children - I don't know what to advise for that really, but I think either way your DD will be happy.

Obviously take actual medical advice rather than anecdotal, but your first pregnancy sounds similar to mine. I was induced at 35 weeks with severe pre eclampsia that worsened after birth, had a bad PPH, and spent a few weeks on hospital - I was on blood pressure tablets for quite a few months afterwards but recovered well other than that.
I have to say it never really crossed my mind that this would be a reason not to have another baby, although I was quite nervous during my second pregnancy. I had much more intensive monitoring during pregnancy and my consultant said that pre eclampsia is much more common in first pregnancies - when it does reoccur it tends to be later onset and milder so as mine came on so late that seemed positive. I did go on to get it again, but not until I was in labour, which went really smoothly and fast. I was on blood pressure tablets for about 6 months after this time, and have been advised that Im at slightly more risk of developing high BP later in life but otherwise I'm fit and well!

As I said it's just my experience - but I do understand how scary it can be when pregnancy doesn't go well.

I'm going I look at this from the health point of view, I had pre-eclampsia with my first and had a traumatic time post birth. I also developed it with my other two, but all the doctors remarked on how unusual it was. I had two more one I was supposed to be induced but I was already in established labour and it was an uncomfortable birth rather than painful and my third they had to threaten with a section before she'd get a move on and then it was a very short labour. All my children were healthy and big.

You are not guaranteed that you'll get pre-eclampsia this time. There's also no guarantee that your children will get on or that they wont. If you want a child for you then go ahead, if it's for your daughter then think harder.

OP, my sister is 15 years older than me so we obviously had quite separate childhoods. My parents are ageing now and our family is tiny. I'd feel so, so incredibly alone without her.

She lives about 45 minutes away from me, but that doesn't matter, we speak every day and I love her dearly. We work in similar professions, at the same hospital. It's just nice to have somebody to have similarities with, share family memories with, to meet up for lunch with, to have nieces and nephews and cousins for each other's children.

I'd factor in your pre eclampsia of course,
Maybe discuss with your GP?

I’m 41. I didn’t have pre-eclampsia but I did have post partum psychosis after having DD7, which in its own way also nearly killed me.
The risk of this recurring, which is quite high and the impact on the family we have has put me off having another.

I’m an only child but was quite happy with that, always had friends in and out our house. DD sometimes says she would like a sibling but is very lucky as I have DSC so although they are not full siblings and there is quite an age gap they do get on well.

In the end we balanced the risk of quite severe harm to my health and the anxiety that would cause and decided it sang worth the risk, much as I would love another baby. DH would have been very happy to have another but also felt the risk was too high. I’ve pretty much made my peace with it all now.

Hi I had pe with my 1st but went on to have two more children with no pe. Also in terms of age gap it will be fine, all children love a sibling and no age gap is too big, my dds (28,17&14) love their 2 year old sister that we adopted very much!

@everthedilemma I was in a very similar position to you in my first pregnancy. Well and active upto 36 weeks, then went on to have Emergency LSCS following pre eclampsia with a low birth weight baby. I recovered quite quickly though and DD had no health issues.

I wasn't keen to try for a second due to the pre eclampsia and also severe hyperemesis. However now 30 weeks pregnant at age 42. DD turned 5 a couple of weeks ago. Pregnancy going well so far and on daily aspirin etc.

The decision wasn't easy but much like you, DD has no cousins on either side of the family. Our home country is at the other side of the world. The decision was more dictated by providing a sibling for DD than for our needs... so that she will not be alone.