to not want to give someone a life

[micegg]

I feel stupid posting this but just want to see what people think. Warning : this may drag on whilst I explain:

A friend of mine has moved about 2 hours away from where I live. My DD and her DS get on really well so it would be nice to see them all again. My friend has also invited someone else who lives about 15 mins from me. I have met this woman a couple of times as she has a DD the same age as mine but I wouldnt say we were friends. In fact to be honest I have found her to be a bit rude (wont bore with details). My friend has hinted that could I give this woman a lift as she will have to get there by bus otherwise.

The issues are this:

1. my DD is not the best traveller and has been known to scream for an entire journey before
2. this journey is 2 hours already without the extra 30 minutes to each part of the journey to pick this woman up and then come back on myself to continue the journey.
3. I know its selfish but I just cant be bothered with it. I only have one car seat so it wont be a straight forward pick up as there will be faffing time getting her car seat into the car, etc.
4. Its bad enough travelling with my DD let alone someone elses kid screaming in the back.
5. I dont really like this woman enough to spend 5 hours in a car!
6. I work 4 days a week so this is my one day off. It doesnt feel very appeaing to spend most of it in my car anyway.

I am thinking of keeping quiet and not offering any lifts unless asked directly by my friend. As I say she has only hinted by telling me that this woman is getting the bus as she doesnt have a car. I could just go on another day to this woman but may be tricky as its my friends DSs birthday party.

I suppose overall I am also questioing whether my freindship can be maintained now my friend has moved so far away. We met via the DC and she doesnt drive. We are both expecting our second children early next year which will complicate things further.

it's a one off for a birthday party - yabu if you don't go and give this child a lift. You may make a new friend, your child may - as someone already said - be much happier with another child in the car. If its torture you don't have to do it again, you can ask your friend not to invite you at the same time.

Some of you are impressively sociable. I really cannot conceive of having to spend around five hours in a car, a foot or two away, trapped with someone I don't like and their kid.

< Shudder >

I'm astonished at how tolerant most of you are. Also, if she can't drive that's her choice. She probably doesn't mind getting buses and is all geared up for it otherwise she'd have taken the time and effort to learn to drive wouldn't she?

No. There's no earthly reason why you should put yourself through this. And you're pregnant too.

"There's no earthly reason why you should put yourself through this. And you're pregnant too."

It's giving someone a bloody lift, not a piggy back.

YANBU - tell your the mutual friend you could give her a lift if she gets herself to your house - doing that drop-off adds an extra hour onto your 4 hour journey which is quite a lot in my book - esp all in one day. Hint about petrol contribution and is she gives you some its a bonus.

I find doing things like this ties you down to too many timetables and doesn't let you come and go as you see fit, esp with little children, plus it's your day off.

hmm, trying to imagine myself in the same situation. and I think I would avoid the party! lol.
I KNOW that it would be helping her, you might get a new friend etc etc, but to me a 2hour drive with ds is to be avoided when possible anyway, let alone on my only day off work AND with someone I don't know / like.
I am very picky about driving at his nap-times, as he isnt a good traveller, so this person would have to fit in with me anyway. I'm sure it would be WAY too much hassle, better to go over some other day when you don't feel so pressured.
You don't sound convinced that you really want to go, so don't! Re-arrange it for a more convenient time.

and if you DO do it, def ask for petrol contrubution. If it's 2 hours away that must be at least 80 miles? 160 miles round trip? so that's gotta be at least £20 - 30 in petrol for you alone anyway? ask her for a tenner!

btw I am nice really

How odd that her dh would take their car to work and expect her to faff around with a long bus journey instead.

I'd probably do it though (give other woman a life I mean) although I do think we need full details of rudeness

Yes I too would rather avoid the party altogether than put myself through this. What a nightmare!

I'm 100% with Spidermama

Yay zookeeper.

By the way micegg ... I could use a lift if you're going to the party.

HAHA just read your thread and was thinking about my friend who lives about 2 hours away, and yes a few times a year i go up for the day, parties, summer trips etc. thinking yeah you could give her a lift its only once a year you have to be extra nice extra THEN !!!!!!!! I remembered!!!!!!!!
I had a very good looking , hunky boyfriend, text book fantastic on the outside, getting to know him better on the inside, at that stage of the relationship. and I picked him up from gloucester to go to peterborough still about 2 hours, and by Leicester I think it was, I had decided I NEVER wanted to see him again!!!!!!!!!!! He just bored me to death and I discovered he was rather small minded (my pet hate) . I had known him over 6 months but had only seen him every few weeks and we were always going somewhere or doing something and had never just chatted for two hours! SO!!!!!!!!!!! I guess my opinion is now NO WAY dont give her a lift, it may be the journey from Hell and if it turns out like mine you just wont wanna get back in the car to go home!!!

well I was once asked to give a lift to a complete stranger for a car journey from London to Cornwall. Didn't want to do it as my car is small and it would be cramped but did. He spent the entire journey kicking the back of my seat (other passengers in car, repeatedly asked to be more careful, didn't even apologise), was a total bore and didn't offer any petrol money. So I did find someone else to give him a lift back.

It wouldn't stop me offering a lift to a child and their mother. It is possible to survive a 5 hour car journey with someone you can't stand.

your friend should travel and see two friends who live not far away from each other.

and if you were close enough friends you could tell your friend you dont liek the other woman

YANBU !

yanbu - she should travel to you if you give her a lift as you're not a taxi service. To come back home she shouldn't expect door to door service. Could you drop her at the best bus/train stop for the journey home.

if this is a one off - which wasn't the vibe i was getting from your post - but if it was - then my views are in my previous posts.

is this a one time deal for birthday party?

No opinion for the OP, but I would have abandoned the London-Cornwall guy on the hard shoulder. What a knob!

ok littleapin

i once caught a lift from london to glasgow with a bloke i didn't know (friend of a friend) we didn't keep in touch afterwards but was a thoroughly pleasant journey, we had a laugh and plenty to chat about. countering the other's stories about nightmare unexpected passengers, my experience was great. you may find some common ground over the course of the journey.

even if you don't i still think the right thing to do is give her a lift

I would offer to give her a lift. And would not ask for petrol money, you are going anyway. If she offers, ok.

You should ring her first though and mention that your DD does not travel well. I would rather spend 2 hours on a bus with my DCs than sit in a car for hours with a child that screams.

You are a good friend to even consider travelling a long distance when your DD is such a bad traveller. Perhaps the passengers would distract her a bit

Hi - I think perhaps you are being a bit unreasonable but only a bit.

I did something like this recently for a friend (admittedly not with DCs in car) where I drove one of her other friends to her birthday party. Didn't really like the other lady that much - very little in common and very different views on life - but knew my friend would have been upset if her friend wasn't able to get to her party. But then I have been friends with my friend for over 10 years so definitely a friend I would do a lot for - sounds like you probably don't quite have this depth of friendship with your friend as you met her through DCs.

However, I agree the extra distance is a pain and also even less attractive when you have kids in the car, but perhaps as somebody said you can compromise and have the woman get the bus to yours (make up something about DD having dr's appt or something beforehand to explain why you can't collect her first). That way you are being a good friend, but you aren't too inconvenienced. The inconvenience then is really about having someone you don't like in your car rather than also having to drive out of your way, and if you hate it that much you could just say that you don't like to talk too much in the car as you find it hard to concentrate on driving or something.