to not want to give someone a life

[micegg]

I feel stupid posting this but just want to see what people think. Warning : this may drag on whilst I explain:

A friend of mine has moved about 2 hours away from where I live. My DD and her DS get on really well so it would be nice to see them all again. My friend has also invited someone else who lives about 15 mins from me. I have met this woman a couple of times as she has a DD the same age as mine but I wouldnt say we were friends. In fact to be honest I have found her to be a bit rude (wont bore with details). My friend has hinted that could I give this woman a lift as she will have to get there by bus otherwise.

The issues are this:

1. my DD is not the best traveller and has been known to scream for an entire journey before
2. this journey is 2 hours already without the extra 30 minutes to each part of the journey to pick this woman up and then come back on myself to continue the journey.
3. I know its selfish but I just cant be bothered with it. I only have one car seat so it wont be a straight forward pick up as there will be faffing time getting her car seat into the car, etc.
4. Its bad enough travelling with my DD let alone someone elses kid screaming in the back.
5. I dont really like this woman enough to spend 5 hours in a car!
6. I work 4 days a week so this is my one day off. It doesnt feel very appeaing to spend most of it in my car anyway.

I am thinking of keeping quiet and not offering any lifts unless asked directly by my friend. As I say she has only hinted by telling me that this woman is getting the bus as she doesnt have a car. I could just go on another day to this woman but may be tricky as its my friends DSs birthday party.

I suppose overall I am also questioing whether my freindship can be maintained now my friend has moved so far away. We met via the DC and she doesnt drive. We are both expecting our second children early next year which will complicate things further.

sorry pc is winding me up today

Even if you didn't give her a lift there, it would be pretty awkward (well, rude really)for coming back to leave at a similar time and pass her at the bus stop! Unless, of course, you gave her a friendly wave as you went by.

I missed that it was a birthday party. In that case I think you should do it this one time. It won't be as bad as you think I bet.

Message withdrawn

i am soo glad that was a typo in the title

I'd offer her a lift and see it as a good deed. For all you know, she may refuse and might be making her own arrangements to get there. If the worse comes to the worse, then it's 5 hours wasted or you could get a brand new friend out of it. It might also be helpful having a passenger who might be able to help entertain your dc whilst you drive?

I hate being used but then I try to see the best in people. If she's rude after this sort of marathon outing, then don't feel obligated another time.

And don't forget to ask for a petrol contribution!!

fgs give her a lift. it's half an hour on a 4 hour journey, not a 2 hour one right? It'll actually probably make your life a lot easier, because she can concentrate on keeping your dd amused in the car, and with luck she won't scream the whole way.

In fact, I'd almost feel sorry for her, spending all that time in a car with a screamer. Thank God mine are all good travellers.

Seriously, knowing she lives so close, how could you look her in the eye knowing you could have helped her but let her go through all that grief cos it would be a bit of an inconvenience to you??

I wouldn't want to do it either. Five hours in a long time to spend in a car with someone you don't like.
But it would be so awkward at the friend's house if you didn't, especially when this other woman turns up looking completely harassed and complaining of her nightmare bus journey, that it doesn't look like you have any choice really.
Also, if you do it once, will you be expected to do it again?

if you really don't want to maybe say you are going to your parents for dinner on the way back?

supermarket shop may not work. she might just say oh that's ok i can get a few bits too at the same time.

but if it was me i'd give her a lift but obviously ask for some petrol money.

I don't think she's being petty. Five hours in a car with someone you don't like is a long time.

TMMJ - a contribution wouldn't hurt as the other person would have to pay a fare on the bus so why should she get a free journey? It would be a door-to-door lift after all. A few quid (which is probably cheaper than the bus fare would be) towards the cost would hardly break the bank .

IGNORNORE HINTS Micegg! and never ever volunteer for anything (I was told that on my first ever day at work )

You lot are very nice good people. I personally wouldnt offer It's her one day off, she doesnt like the woman - why should she saddle herself with her for 5 hours? The friend invited this woman to the party knowing she doesnt drive yet still expected her to do 2 hours each way on the bus. As suggested I would be 'going to xyz straight afterwards'.

I do think friendships can be maintained depite distance though. I still stay in contact with my best friend from primary school 20 years and 200 miles later, granted we only see each other every year or 2 but when we do do meet up we have so much to chat about . My mum has had several friends like this for 40 years!!!

It will cost the OP extra petrol to pick this woman up and drop her off. She'll be adding an hour in total to an already long journey. A petrol contribution is not unreasonable.
You never know, maybe this other woman hates the idea of a lift too

it's 15 minutes extra each way. 1530 minutes not an hour. It would be nice to offer the lift and it would be nice of the woman to offer petrol money, but to ask for it, and to go and not offer and let this woman schlep it on the bus??? How mean and uncharitable.

it's not like it's a weekly event, and it may well help a lot to have this other woman there tending to the kids, and tbh, she'll probably be working so hard dealing wih them, esp if the op's dd is as bad as she seems in the car, that they won't have to spend that much time chatting to each other

It's 15 minutes to the woman's house, then 15 minutes coming back on herself before starting the 2 hour journey. Then the same on the return (the woman lives in the opposite direction to where the Op's going).
That makes one hour in total.

YABU!!

Jeez, what is it with people today? Never wanting to help other people out? What ever happened to Karma or favours etc..

I would text mutual friend tonight & offer to give said woman a lift. I also would not ask for petrol money! You're doing the journey anyway & it would seem incredibly rude to me!

But then I have been known to drive an hour out of my way to pick up a relative so she can come & stay with me. I regularily drive 90 minutes in the other direction to pick up a friend so we can shop in a town about 20 minutes from me.

If I have time & I can help, then why the hell not.

I would say you are being unreasonable & possibly even selfish. And you say she has been rude to you in the past.. she can say a lot worse about you if you drive a 2 hour journey & let her struggle on the bus. You have a small child yourself, would you like to be doing the journey on a drafty. noisy bus?

I always offer lifts whenever I can, even if it takes me a bit out of my way, so I would say YABU.

Thinking of dropping a friend because one of her other friends who you only have to endure once in a while seems a bit drastic to me.

If you value the friendship you have with this woman, then give the other friend a lift (who knows you may find after the journey that you have a lot more in common than you thought and maybe it will be a welcome distraction for your daughter to get through the journey without a tantrum.) As others suggested, get her to make her way to your house first so it doesn't add to your journey.

If you are going to drop her though, then don't offer a lift and excuse yourself from the party.

I have several friends who are miles away from me. We don't see each other very often, but it's nice to make the effort every now and again. Staying in touch via e-mail, or facebook or msn etc doesn't require a lot of effort, and it keeps things ticking along when we can't see much of each other.

i don't think asking for petrol money is unreasonable. for a short journey maybe it would be, but it must be a fair way away if it is going to take 2 hours to get there. for that i would expect to pay petrol money and would not be offended if they asked before i had chance to offer.

Are you sure she actually wants a lift? The antipathy may be mutual. I use public transport a lot and unless it's a really unusually difficult journey (long waits, awkward changes) then I'd rather do that than have to share a car with someone I don't know very well, let alone someone I don't get on with!

Oh give her a lift, its an arse not being able to drive and having to get public transport everywhere.

I wouldn't fancy having someone in the car I wasn't keen on for two whole hours. It's stressful enough driving with a little one who doesn't travel well.

It is a bit hard to get out of I suppose, buit I'd be looking at ways to wheedle out of it.

I'm not very sociable though.

But it's jnot your fault she can't drive. You have yourself sorted, yiou have taken lessons, made sure you can get about ... whereas she clearly relies on others to get her about.

I know I sound selfish but I am anti social and I can't bear spongers who don't muck in.