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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm being used?

58 replies

Feckinlego · 05/04/2021 12:27

Thought I was quite close with SIL. My DB fucked off about 5 years ago leaving her alone with 3 kids. DB is in another country and has just married again, and is completely NC with the whole family. Anyway, me and her were always close, we have a lot of the same interests. When DB disappeared I helped her a lot with the kids. Now she is remarried herself, but still expects me to look after the kids a lot. Basically I look after them most Saturdays, plus about half of school holidays. She only ever contacts me now about babysitting since her dh came along. I do love those kids though and love having them, but it's like she pretends we're friends to keep a free babysitter. None of my siblings look after the 3 kids, and my parents don't bother with them either (she openly dislikes them so they feel really uncomfortable) , so I'm the only member of the family to have any kind of relationship with them. Not sure what I'm asking, suppose am I right to feel used and does it even matter when I still want to see the kids.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 05/04/2021 12:28

She is taking the mick and using you.

Whythesadface · 05/04/2021 12:29

I know it hurts, but think of the children, your their only proof your family loves them.

HollowTalk · 05/04/2021 12:31

She's blatantly using you.

PanamaPattie · 05/04/2021 12:32

She is a CF. If you like the children - carry on - but be mindful you are being treated like an unpaid servant.

Supersimkin2 · 05/04/2021 12:32

The DC love you to bits - as they grow, you can ditch SIL and maintain the strong bonds with the people who matter.

SunIsComing · 05/04/2021 12:33

Ask her out for a coffee one Saturday and see what she says. Think she’s using you though.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 05/04/2021 12:34

Tell her you are registering as a child minder with the council and will have to bill her from now on.

Mumdiva99 · 05/04/2021 12:37

Probably using you. But - do you want to see and spend the time with the kids? If so carry on. If not then change the dynamic and tell her when you are free to have them. What you don't mention is what your circumstances are - do you have kids yourself? Will you in the future? How old are your N and N now? They might not want to keep spending so much time with you as they get older - but a good Aunt/Uncle is hard to find.

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 12:38

I think it's good the children see one side of their dad's family, especially if none of you are excusing his behaviour. As someone who lost everyone on their dad side after a similar split, it will mean a lot to them.

That doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself though. If holidays and weekends are too much, start saying no, you're Auntie X not the person replacing Dad time.

Macncheeseballs · 05/04/2021 12:38

Just say no

MouseInCatsClaws · 05/04/2021 12:40

Keep your connection with the kids, for your own sake. Do feel free to be busy on the odd Saturday though, if it doesn't suit to have the kids.

I wouldn't directly challenge her because it is the kids who will lose out.

It is hurtful to realise a relationship is one sided, this is her loss though, not yours. You sound lovely.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 05/04/2021 12:40

@Whythesadface

I know it hurts, but think of the children, your their only proof your family loves them.
Hmm I’m sure she can still show them that without being an unpaid childminder to their mother
LaurieFairyCake · 05/04/2021 12:41

I'm not impressed with your parents, their grandparents not bothering with them - seems really sad

Everyday21 · 05/04/2021 12:43

It sounds like shes using you. Could you cut the contact down a bit or suggest you all do something together rather then you just having the kids?

Original poster
Feckinlego · 05/04/2021 12:46

Thank you all. My parents are dicks, they are not and never have been loving in any way shape or form. My DB was always an asshole, so I tried to make up for his failings. I have 4 children myself so those days I have her kids are completely mental plus cost me money to feed them etc!! Not sure what I can do but it's good to feel validated that I'm not imagining it.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 12:49

It does sound like she's using you, but will you still have a relationship with the children if you call her on it? It would be a shame for the only member of their extended family who bothers with them to disappear too.

AnotherBoredOne · 05/04/2021 12:53

Can you have a relationship with the kids as an aunt, not a babysitter?
Make it on your days and your terms. Not half school holidays either.
Have fun days out or trips away but how you want it.

AnotherBoredOne · 05/04/2021 12:54

Yes definitely try the let's go out option too and see what response you get?
Dinner or coffee? Something that you may have done when db still around.

expectopelargonium · 05/04/2021 13:00

You've spent a long time righting the wrongs caused by your DB and it is now time to step back from that role. She has a new partner now.

MrsExpo · 05/04/2021 13:06

Two questions from me .... Does she have a new family as well as a new husband? If not, she's using you as a substitute for the days their father might have had them (had he still been around) to give her and her new DH a bit of child free time. And ... Do your kids mind when the cousins come round? It seems a bit excessive to me though. Now and then to maintain a relationship with the kids is fine, but most Saturdays and half the holidays ... way too much.

PatsyJStone · 05/04/2021 13:10

Why do you have them every Saturday? She has a new husband is she having a nice quiet day without them? I’d suggest moving to a couple of Saturdays a month, or even a Sunday instead. Tell her that it’s hard work with seven children every Saturday. Even better, say you have something to do on the Saturday, can she have your children? And for a full day. If it’s a complete no then you are being used.
I’d also be looking at the holidays, is it possible for you to entertain seven children? Would you like to do something with your own hat you couldn’t do with seven? But address this in advance so she doesn’t say you’ve let her down. Tell her in advance that x weeks you won’t be able to have the children. Also suggest that she is welcome to have your for a week and again, see what she says. You don’t need to lose contract but explain as they get older it gets harder and yours may have some other activities to do that you need to facilitate.

Brightbulbs · 05/04/2021 13:14

Yanbu and yes she’s using you. Of course have a relationship with the children but it doesn’t have to be Every Saturday!

Original poster
Feckinlego · 05/04/2021 13:23

Both her and her dh work on Saturdays. They have no other children. She makes vague promises to have my kids but nothing definite. Tbh my kids don't like going as her dh scares them, shouting etc. I think now it would be reasonable to have them less, there are 2 incomes now so they can afford childcare. Dont know how I can cut it down tactfully but I'll give it a go!

OP posts:
Returnoftheowl · 05/04/2021 13:26

@Whythesadface

I know it hurts, but think of the children, your their only proof your family loves them.
It's not up to the sister to atone for her brothers behaviour.
cutebutscary · 05/04/2021 13:26

I think the only way to find out if you are being used is to test her ! Suggest she come on the Saturday so you can all spend some time together . Does she make any effort with your children ? If not I'll be honest , if it were me, I'd reduce the amount you have her kids . The weekends are precious time for you to spend with your children , it may be good to prioritise them over this arrangement . You sound really lovely in what you are doing but they aren't your responsibility and it's possible to be present in the children's lives in other ways