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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm being used?

58 replies

Feckinlego · 05/04/2021 12:27

Thought I was quite close with SIL. My DB fucked off about 5 years ago leaving her alone with 3 kids. DB is in another country and has just married again, and is completely NC with the whole family. Anyway, me and her were always close, we have a lot of the same interests. When DB disappeared I helped her a lot with the kids. Now she is remarried herself, but still expects me to look after the kids a lot. Basically I look after them most Saturdays, plus about half of school holidays. She only ever contacts me now about babysitting since her dh came along. I do love those kids though and love having them, but it's like she pretends we're friends to keep a free babysitter. None of my siblings look after the 3 kids, and my parents don't bother with them either (she openly dislikes them so they feel really uncomfortable) , so I'm the only member of the family to have any kind of relationship with them. Not sure what I'm asking, suppose am I right to feel used and does it even matter when I still want to see the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feckinlego · 05/04/2021 13:30

You're all really making me think. I love those kids so much, but them coming to me like this is a chore, for them and me. I'm just the childminder. And I see them so often that I rarely invite them for the fun stuff, I used to a lot. Maybe if I took them for trips out, fun sleepovers etc it would be better for them.

OP posts:

Hhusky · 05/04/2021 13:31

Your parents sound awful. The poor DC, their dad and grandparents want nothing to do with them.
It does sound like you're being used a bit.
If I was you I would gently but firmly discuss that you can no longer take the kids all day Sat and that from now on it could be the occasional afternoon or evening but that would be it. Then you still get to see the kids but you're also not feeling so used. It sounds like a tough situation to be in.

TillyTopper · 05/04/2021 13:31

Just let her know you can't do all Saturdays in future, to be fair give her a bit of notice as she'll need to organise something else. "Just letting you know that from the start of May I won't be able to have your children as much as I have been. Should be able to do around once a month (if you feel that's ok) but wanted to let you know in advance so you can make other arrangements". Then when you see her children tell them too - just so you aren't cutting all ties without letting them know. I think she's a CF!!

Beautiful3 · 05/04/2021 13:34

I think you were very kind to have helped out so much before, when she was a single parent. However there are two of them now, both of them are now responsible for their children, they can quite easily afford childcare. I think that you shouldn't have them for half of the holidays and most weekends anymore. I think one day a month to catch up is normal and forget the holidays, they ought to use holiday clubs.

Babygotblueyes · 05/04/2021 13:36

Not unreasonable but I would suck it up til the kids are old enough to see you themselves without their mum.

HollowTalk · 05/04/2021 13:36

I'd put a stop to it. She's treating you as free childcare. You have a big family yourself and this is costing you money while she and her husband are out earning money. Time to stop it.

I would tell her you can't do it from now on. Then wait to see whether she invites your children and you to their house. That will tell you everything.

Beautiful3 · 05/04/2021 13:36

Agree with others saying to text nicely explaining, that you cannot do all saturdays anymore, but can do one a month.How she handles this will be telling. If she gets angry, then that's a bad sign that she was using you, and feels entitled to your help. I hope she doesn't do that. Let us know what happens.

Mumdiva99 · 05/04/2021 13:41

Oh definitely cut down the amount - if you are then able to increase the quality of what you do when you do have them.

Also - any more than 3 kids is really hard work - let alone 7!!! Tell her you can have them one at a time - or you can swap kids - you have one of hers and she have one of yours etc....

Just tell her it's too much for you having them all so much. (If she values the relationship she will understand.)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/04/2021 13:57

I agree you need to cut back, it will ruin your relationship with them if you are resentful of having them, and 7 at once is an incredible amount of work.

But I'd be careful about how you do it. It might just be a kind of habit that she has never thought about rather than actively wanting to take the piss but if she has thought it was an indefinite arrangement then her and her husband may have arranged shifts etc around this. I dont know how easy it will be for them to change shifts at short notice, and I don't think there is much childcare if any available on short notice at the weekend. Most people I know that work weekends have to ask family to help out. It's not your problem to solve but I'd be aware that stopping your arrangement at short notice might leave her in the lurch. Holidays will be much easier for them to sort though.

HostessTrolley · 05/04/2021 13:58

Half the holidays sounds like a lot but also if they both work she needs to be able to plan. Could you say to her now ‘i can’t have them so much during the holidays this summer but I can have them one day a week - does tuesday work for you?’

Pinkdelight3 · 05/04/2021 14:03

I dunno, regardless of her remarriage, it sucks for her DC to have no contact with their dad or that whole side of their family apart from you. Obviously your DB's problems are not yours to solve, but I feel it's less clearcut than her using you. In 'normal' separated circumstances, she wouldn't have her DC all the time anyway and they're your relatives too. It feels like there needs to be a wider discussion that's not about using, but about how things are changing. Ideally she needs to rebuild relations with your parents and other family members so her DC aren't just coming to you as you clearly have your hands full with your own DC. There must be a way to frame it so it's constructive not accusatory. The only real twat here is your DB and you all want the best for the DC, so it needs to be on that basis, not about using and free childcare etc.

zigaziga · 05/04/2021 14:08

It does sound too much but you obviously need to tread lightly here as these kids are your family and you don’t want to cut all ties.

georgarina · 05/04/2021 14:08

It could be that this has just become the routine in her mind.

In your mind you were helping her out in a tough time - in her mind you are happy to help her with childcare in general.

I'd just start saying I couldn't look after them on these set days, but ask if I could pop in when I was free - changing the dynamic from routine babysitting to a social thing.

Standrewsschool · 05/04/2021 14:15

You’ve been really generous, and it’s lovely you have maintained a relationship with the kids.

Possibly she assumes you want to maintain this arrangement so continues to appease you? Just a thought.

However, time perhaps not to be so available. If it’s inconvenient to have them, say so, especially during holidays.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2021 14:27

Every Saturday?! No way. What about your own children who, as there’s 4 of them, are already sharing you a lot. This isn’t at all fair on them. Your time, money and energies must go towards your children. They’re not to blame for your useless brother. They haven’t done anything wrong. Why don’t they get full weekends or holidays with you without an additional 3 people intruding and draining your time and money.

Fuck being tactful. She’s not tactful or considerate of your feelings is she?

Did she and her husband ask you to commit to one day a week before taking Saturday work?

The nerve of them is staggering either way.

ElderMillennial · 05/04/2021 14:37

Does she text you each week about the Saturday or if it just assumed you will have them? Does she even ask / show appreciation?

You've got four kids plus her fit a chunk of the time and she's got it easy in comparison.

Maybe tell her you'll have them next Saturday but then you'll need to have them less often eg fortnightly it first weekend if every month (if easier to have a set schedule) or just say every weekend is a lot but you're still happy to have them from time to time.

Whythesadface · 05/04/2021 14:51

Not sure why the rest of what I wrote didn't post.
I also said that OP does need to stop being so available and find away to step away from just being a baby sitter.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 05/04/2021 15:26

Text her tonight and give her the heads up you have plans with your dc next Saturday so won't be able to have her dc... Maybe suggest a sleepover one night instead... Ask her to send pizza money as you are finding paying for all the dc's treats a bit of a stretch.. Wean her off relying on you if you find being blunt difficult.

ElderMillennial · 05/04/2021 15:33

Yes she could at least pay towards their good and things

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 05/04/2021 15:40

Cut down - day you can only do one Sunday a month or so. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

Can’t believe she’s so eager to pass off her kids though. Poor kids.

Crimeismymiddlename · 05/04/2021 15:43

She is using you, but if you want to keep the relationship with the children I would not mention it. I would however start asking for her to pay for the food they eat and any activities you pay for, five children are expensive and if you are having them every week plus half the holidays it must be costing you a fortune. Since you are also unpaid I would also suggest that you start not being available as much-every Saturday is too much, would it not be nice to have the weekend just for you and your children. Start this week-tell her that you have made unmovable family plans for the Saturday the shops open, she can hardly get annoyed at you, and if she does she loses because you would be less inclined to help her. She is a massive cf.

makingmammaries · 05/04/2021 16:51

I think if you start pushing back you will lose contact with the kids. Something similar happened to my aunt. Does your DB pay any child support? Otherwise even asking her for food money is uncomfortable.

Original poster

Feckinlego · 05/04/2021 17:10

Thank u all for your input. My brother has nothing to do with the kids whatsoever. My other brothers come to visit the kids when they are at my house, they are not really welcome at her house.

I think for now I will tell her to make arrangements for the summer holidays and ask if she could give me the odd weekend off. That sounds pathetic actually! It's definitely time for a change but I think ill do it slowly. She is appreciative so I think she'll agree because she won't want to lose me.

OP posts:

Raindancer411 · 05/04/2021 17:13

Maybe limit the amount you do and say you have other commitments

Raindancer411 · 05/04/2021 17:16

@Feckinlego I think they sounds like a good balance. Your children need some one on one with you without their cousins

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