To think I'm being used?

[Feckinlego]

Thought I was quite close with SIL. My DB fucked off about 5 years ago leaving her alone with 3 kids. DB is in another country and has just married again, and is completely NC with the whole family. Anyway, me and her were always close, we have a lot of the same interests. When DB disappeared I helped her a lot with the kids. Now she is remarried herself, but still expects me to look after the kids a lot. Basically I look after them most Saturdays, plus about half of school holidays. She only ever contacts me now about babysitting since her dh came along. I do love those kids though and love having them, but it's like she pretends we're friends to keep a free babysitter. None of my siblings look after the 3 kids, and my parents don't bother with them either (she openly dislikes them so they feel really uncomfortable) , so I'm the only member of the family to have any kind of relationship with them. Not sure what I'm asking, suppose am I right to feel used and does it even matter when I still want to see the kids.

Just tell her to on x weekend I cannot have them and she knows you are not are her behest

and ask if she could give me the odd weekend off. That sounds pathetic actually! It's definitely time for a change but I think ill do it slowly. She is appreciative so I think she'll agree because she won't want to lose me.

She's not your employer, paying you any kind of salary, OP. Don't ask her - tell her what you want the new arrangements to be. You can still be nice about it - but more assertive. 🌹

I wouldn't ask if you can have the odd weekend off, that's just confirming it's a routine, I would just say I can't keep up this arrangement so I would still love to take/see the kids on occasion but can't stick to the routine we have now. Hth x

I'd agree you're being used, if she's not meeting your expectations as a friend (socialising without the kids, returning the favour helping with your kids) then cut contact you're being used. Visit or take the kids out as and when it suits you not out of guilt. If this woman hasn't got time for your friendship don't feel guilty not having time to be her childminder.

@Feckinlego

Thank u all for your input. My brother has nothing to do with the kids whatsoever. My other brothers come to visit the kids when they are at my house, they are not really welcome at her house.

I think for now I will tell her to make arrangements for the summer holidays and ask if she could give me the odd weekend off. That sounds pathetic actually! It's definitely time for a change but I think ill do it slowly. She is appreciative so I think she'll agree because she won't want to lose me.

Ask for the odd weekend off? She's not employing you! You're doing her a favour. It's not up to you to atone for what your brother had done. Your children will probably appreciate some weekends without their cousins. I mean this kindly, but you need to be more assertive. Tell her that you're not available for every weekend and holiday. She doesn't seem grateful, she's not treating you like a friend. She's treating you like an employee, but not paying you.

Don't lose contact with kids just to make a point with SIL. When kids are a bit older, you can have your own relationship with them independent of one with SIL. Do none of your family (their father's family) visit them when they are with you?

I agree to keeping in contact, op, but why in the name of God would you ask if she'd give you the odd weekend off, as if you were the scullery maid?! Bin that immediately, and find a much better balance.

ask if she could give me the odd weekend off

You make it sound like you're some kind of victorian servant.

Just say something like: 'I'm finding it a bit much to have the kids every weekend, so I'm going to need to cut down the times I take them. I appreciate you will need a bit of time to find paid childcare - so I'm happy to continue until the start of May.'