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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed with lone parents being scape goats - yet absent not paying parents are never slated

73 replies

ivykaty44 · 10/11/2007 11:14

I get increasingly annoyed with the one sided attitude and the use of lone parents as scape goats - the scrounging of lone parents of the state is just horrific - yet I have to live in poverty and work pay taxes etc.

YET absent non paying parents never seem to get a tounge lashing - they leave their children to be brought up by the tax payers of this country and dont ge=ive a flying pluck who pays for their up keep. But no one quibbles about this - they just turn on the lone parent trying to bring up children on their own and make ends meet - why ?

It makes me so mad find me a post in the archive about absent parents not paying maintenence with over 300 posts - bet you can't...........

OP posts:
stripeymama · 10/11/2007 11:16

YANBU.

I have just been posting something similar. It is infuriating and deeply unfair and I don't know what can be done about it.

madamez · 10/11/2007 11:18

Well, because the dailymail mindset is all about hating women. It's all women's faults that they are single parents, they should have just put up with their partners' abuse, or been better cooks, cleaners and non-stop sex objects in order to keep their DPs happy. Women exist to serve, don;t forget, and any suggestion that they might have any wants or wishes or choices is to be thoroughly punished.

stripeymama · 10/11/2007 11:20

It seems to me to be related to the whole 'men are studs/women are sluts' school of thought. As in, the lone parent (nearly always a mother) is irresponsible and blah, but the absent parent (nearly always the father) is often percieved to get a raw deal, going round saying they are not 'allowed' to see their kids yada yada.

Original poster
ivykaty44 · 10/11/2007 11:22

It not just women that are single parents - men to can be single parents and bring up children on their own, have their ex wife give up work so as not to pay maintenence and then live on the dole.

I am begining to think that it is due to easy pickings - much easier to pick on someone who is struggling - ie lone parent. A bit like a bully will pick on an easy target

The absent parent is a much harder target and may bite so leave well alone

OP posts:
Blu · 10/11/2007 11:24

YANBU.
I am neither lone nor on benefits, and the injustice of this, and the misogyny as described by madamez, makes me .

stripeymama · 10/11/2007 11:30

Get the feeling we are preaching to the converted?

Doodledootoo · 10/11/2007 11:33

Message withdrawn

Greensleeves · 10/11/2007 11:34

well said madamez

RGPargy · 10/11/2007 11:36

It really fucks me off too. I'm not a lone parent or on benefits, but have been both in the past. It really makes me that lone parents are made to feel like shit because they have to sometimes claim benefits to make an already hard life just that little bit easier.

Original poster
ivykaty44 · 10/11/2007 11:38

Doodledootoo, its rather a refreshing change to see your attitude and made me

Lone parents - most in any case battle away bringing up children, some work aswell and claim benifit, make ends meet, put up with shitty ex's, put up with incompetent goverment bodies - CSA. Love their children and do two peoples jobs in bringing them up.

FFS cut lone parents some slack

OP posts:
stripeymama · 10/11/2007 11:39

Well I stay sane because I drink my parents babysit once a week. But I only just stay sane, and it is incredibly hard.

Thanks to Doodledootoo for recognising that! Because all I ever seem to hear is how single parents are busy living the life of riley.

skeletonbones · 10/11/2007 11:46

Yes it infuriates me. I do think its about mysogeny too, yes there are male single parents but 90% of single parents are women and single parents are an easy target for scapegoating. I would like the shift to be about absent parents not doing their share/paying their way too, if all the absent parents who didn't pay maintence did so, and a fair ammount there would be less need to depend on the benefits system.

rantinghousewife · 10/11/2007 11:46

It more than irks me, and I'm no longer a single parent.
As madamez says, it's symptomatic of a society that hates women. Woman gets raped, she must have asked for it, skirt too short etc, woman left holding baby, she must be a lazy, croydon facelifted layabout.

Aimsmum · 10/11/2007 11:47

Message withdrawn

RGPargy · 10/11/2007 12:00

Aimsmum - been in EXACTLY the same position as you so i totally know where you're coming from!

rantinghousewife · 10/11/2007 12:02

I've been there too Aimsmum. It's amazing how many people think it's a piece of cake, it's not. It's like walking a fine rope.

madamez · 10/11/2007 12:16

OK so I have it easier than some single mums in that DS father and I are on amicable terms and Iget at least 2 nights off a week while he looks after DS (I think I get more help from DS dad than quite a lot of people who have a resident partner, or so it would seem from reading some threads on here). But we struggle for money, even with some help from DS dad - it's often a choice of what can I put up with having cut off for a week? Mobile? Broadband? Or will the gas board settle for half the money this week and the rest next. Etc.

madamez · 10/11/2007 12:18

Oh and let's not forget another one that I have heard of (It may not be that common but nor are benefit cheats really) - the departing father who won;t work because he doesn;t want to, at least partly in order to punish his XW by being too poor to pay her any child maintenance.

skeletonbones · 10/11/2007 12:28

I don't get people moaning about how 'easy' loan parents have it, if they are so jealous of our 'wonderfull lifesyles' why don't they kick their partner out and join us in our 'party' and see what a fun ride it REALLY is

Original poster
ivykaty44 · 10/11/2007 12:50

Well reading some of the posts on this site about the dp/dh's I do wonder if there is some feelings of "the grass is greener" well its not greener - just a different shade and sometimes difficult to grow.......

OP posts:
stripeymama · 10/11/2007 12:57

My xp refuses to claim benefits, as this would mean he had to pay me £5 a week! He works cash-in-hand occasionally, but mainly lives off his mother (who allows him to live in her 'investment property' rent free) and his current girlfriend.

He is thus 'untraceable' according to the CSA.

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/11/2007 13:03

Yes people are quick to judge but isnt this statement judgemental too? "YET absent non paying parents never seem to get a tounge lashing - they leave their children to be brought up by the tax payers of this country and dont give a flying pluck who pays for their up keep"

Not every absent parent doesnt pay neither do all of them leave by choice - what about where the women have an affair and leave etc.

Hekate · 10/11/2007 13:05

I think the category was absent non paying parents, not absent parents.

stripeymama · 10/11/2007 13:06

Whatever the reasons for a relationship ending, parents still have a responsibility to their child/ren. It is completely irrelevant if the woman has an affair and leaves - the absent parent shuld still contribute financially to their children's upkeep.

SweetFA · 10/11/2007 13:07

It has a deep impact on my sense of self worth. In fact I actually avoid going out because I think I am being judged all the time.

Yes I could have let an abusive bastard back into our lives and not been on benefits. Yes I could have had an abortion when I realised he was an abusive bastard.

Yet somehow the fact he was an abusive bastard, usually escapes my consciousness when someone looks at me disparagingly. I feel the weight of his abuse by living the life I do now - having chosen to leave and to keep the child.

There is something wrong there.