To get annoyed with lone parents being scape goats - yet absent not paying parents are never slated

[ivykaty44]

I get increasingly annoyed with the one sided attitude and the use of lone parents as scape goats - the scrounging of lone parents of the state is just horrific - yet I have to live in poverty and work pay taxes etc.

YET absent non paying parents never seem to get a tounge lashing - they leave their children to be brought up by the tax payers of this country and dont ge=ive a flying pluck who pays for their up keep. But no one quibbles about this - they just turn on the lone parent trying to bring up children on their own and make ends meet - why ?

It makes me so mad find me a post in the archive about absent parents not paying maintenence with over 300 posts - bet you can't...........

Inthegutter thats not the reality though is it, two types of single parent family.
1.single parent after death of spouse.

1. cohabiting couple, relationship break down, sharing responsibility of care and financial support of children between two seperated parties.

The death of a loving father or mother and the resultant tragedy for the family is terrible,its one of the worst ways to enter into single parenthood I think.

Another way to enter single parenthood which i think is equally as distressing is due to domestic violence, a common reason for single parenthood, this couple don't fit into the model of 'shareing care and responsibility' either because it may well not be apropriate for Dad to she the care of the kids if he might kill or injure them or their mother. The people in this catagory have sole care of the children too, and the added fear that the very person who should be able to support and help them out is the person who is the biggest threat to them and their children.That is a tragedy too.

What about the absent parent who just ups and walks away, changes his or her mind about having the responsibility of the children and leaves town/the country or decides that the end of the relationship with the parent left with care also is the end of their relationship with the children. The parent left with care is entirely alone in the bringing up of the children even though the absent parent is out there somewhere.

And then there is the absent parents who have some kind of contact with the children and maybe pay a small ammount of money here and there, Dad coming and taking kids to the park for an hour or two every so often and giving the odd bit of pocket money doesn't equate to shared responsibility either. And then theres all the shades of grey inbetween and all the other possibilities and family shapes and circumstances. I think SINGLE PARENT or LONE PARENT or PARENT WITH CARE sums it up pretty well actually becauue thats what the majority us do we become the sole carer of a child or children.

I tend to describe myself as a single parent because I am not in any kind of couple relationship with DS dad and he doesn't live with us. He is, however, an excellent co-parent who contributes both money and time to his DS's life and upbringing - actually I suppose I should describe both DS dad and myself as separate co-parents.

Inthe gotter, while I was typing that missed your last post, I see what you are getting at now, not that there always ARE two parents to share the responsibility, but that their SHOULD be.

APs not getting stick - you must be kidding!! The trouble is the ones who get the most stick, certainly from the government/CSA, tend to be those that are already doing their best as they're the easy targets

I get more and more annoyed with any poor person being scapegoated everytime I see Gordon Brown on TV. Or most politicians, for that matter.

The idea of not financially supporting my children is abhorent to me - yet so many parents are quite happy with the concept. I really don't get it. Do they not love their children?

By that I mean this category of absent parent that the thread is about. Those who go on the dole, fiddle the books, bequeath all their worldly goods to their elderly, well-to-do mother, disappear off abroad without a forwarding address, that sort of thing.

OP did specify absent not paying parents getting no stick though Twinklemegan not involved and financially contributing non resident parents.

Well yes it did, but the two are generally lumped together in the press and all absent parents are cast as the enemy (at least that's my perception coming from the other side).

I was also going to say that whilst it takes more than sperm to be a parent, it also takes more than an open wallet to be a parent. Unfortunately, the way the system is set up, an open wallet is all that is wanted from many of these APs.

the reality or being a "lone parent, single parent"...whatever you care to call it, for many is that the ex doesn't give a flying fart and will not pay maintenance for his child.

im not sure that many know this, but maintenance is deducted from your benefit payment apart from £10 (yes, that old benefit chestnut). the calculation has to go through the csa but the money doesn't have to. if you claim £55 income support say, and your ex partner based on his earnings, should pay £40 then benefit is reduced by £30 and so on, leaving the state to pay the grand total of £25 a week.

fathers who dont work aren't forced to, fathers who do work aren't forced to pay anything towards their child.

some fathers walk away because they CAN.

my friend was married, had fertility treatment to conceive. her husband had an affair, she left, had to give up her job due to no available childcare. guess what? she ended up on benefit. he desperately wanted that child and he pays her nothing despite the fact he is rolling in it.

i am the one who wipes away tears when they are hurt or distressed, who gets up in the night to change a bed and bath a child because they have been sick, i am the one who feeds them, clothes them, i prise myself up when im ill to care for them when i can hardly move, i am the one who struggles with bills, childcare, work (yes work), i am the one who feels guilt most of the fecking time. i am the one who worries about their future, chooses schools, attends parents evening, special needs reviews, takes them to the doctors. i am the one who listens to problems, talks to teachers about bullying, takes them to their hobbies, takes them to the zoo, the fair. i am the one who buys the school uniform, christmas presents, arranges birthday parties. i am the one who would spend all night with ds in hospital with his asthma about 6 times a year, eyes on matchsticks and then skip stumble off to work the next morning. i could list much more.

and i had to claim benefit once...big deal.

i dont think ive ever felt so much rage as i have in the last couple of days...maybe im past caring. i love my kids more than anything and i do my best. fuck anyone who doesn't believe it.

bozza, no I don't think they do love their children, at least not enough to share their money with them. My ex has gone to huge lengths to get out of having to part with any of of his money for DS, so he can't possibly love him.

nightowl try not mto let the ignorance of others make you angry. Rise above it.

There are plenty of people who are aware of all the things we do as single parents, even if those who are not make more noise.

skeletonbones - I know it's not the reality!! You seem for some reason determined to contradict my posts - I'll try not to take it personally- but it's a bit odd! Yes, of course there are various shades of grey on any family set up. In families where both parents live together, both parents may be fantastic hands-on committed parents. Or one parent may be lazy, irresponsible and leave most of the parenting to their partner. Likewise with parents who split, there can be parents who continue to take their responsibilites seriously (mademez's situation sounds like this) and parents who bugger off and imagine it's someone else's duty to provide for and raise their kids. But what SHOULD happen (not necessarily what DOES happen) is that whatever turn the relationship between the biological parents takes, they should continue their parental resonsibilities.

I would really dispute that twinklemegan child support for one child is 15% of AP earnings 20% for two children, the resedent parent will usually be paying much more that 15-20 percent of their income to support the child, I understand that where the issue gets complicated is when ex partner goes on to have a second family and the distribution of money between first or second lot of children is an extremely difficult balance so that they all get the same ammount of support/standard of living and I guess that is where you are coming from?

it is misogyny. single fathers are generally felt sorry for 'how could the mother have left him to it??' whereas single mothers... well the single mothers on this thread have expressed their experiences clearly.

hats off to single parents. dunno how you do it. you are the unsung heroes of our time.

Inthegutter if you look further up you will see I realised that was what you meant and stated that. I don't think I am 'deliberately trying to contradict' your posts either, and i don't think its 'odd' to challenge a post you disagree with as long as you arn't being personally insulting to the poster, which I haven't been at any point to you or you to me either.

Yes that is where I'm coming from SB. But what I was really getting at is that just paying the money doesn't consitute being a parent. However, there is no requirement for a paying absent parent to be allowed to be involved in his children's lives, which I think there should be (dreadful domestic situations aside). This, in my experience, is what causes much of the resentment, not paying the money per se. Many APs do feel that only their money is wanted. Their time and opinions are not welcome, which is very sad for them and their children.

Anyway this is a little off topic so I'm sorry, but it does annoy me when APs seem, by some, only to be valued as walking wallets.

twinklemegan, are you the one who posted a while back about your husband having to pay a lot of maintenance to his ex? if so, please dont tar us all with the same brush

many of us get no help financial or otherwise, nothing. the maintenance would be no issue to me if my kids had a father who cared about them and behaved like...well a father.

Not tarring you all with the same brush at all Nightowl . But the problem does exist nonetheless.

I think a lot of people bought into that load of capitalist bollocks we were all sold from the time we were knee high to bullfrogs that if you work hard enough, you'll get everything you want.

Then when they grow up and find out that's not true, it makes them really angry.

But instead of looking at a GOVERNMENT which has robbed them blind and gives their money to fat cats to get even fatter, they take it out on the most visible thing they see, that which is around them every day.

expat I see where you're coming from but can't entirely agree. Maybe a few people believe some myth that there is a direct correllation between hard work and getting everything you want. But I think there's a great deal more people who simply expect to work hard and just have a decent standard of living without being constantly scraping and worrying. I'm a teacher. I've never expected riches - I wouldn't work a 60 + hour week teaching several hundred teenagers if i did. But neither did I expect to constantly scrape to keep a roof over our heads and for the childcare which has been essential for me to do my job. And yes, it is the Government to blame, and their shite systems which actually DON'T value the family, parenting, hard work, making a contribution to society around you. To return to the OP, as I said earlier, of course it's unfair to scapegoat any particular section of society. Of course all parents should be expected to love and support their children. And it they choose not to accept their responsibilites, the government should do a damn sight more to make life uncomfortable for them rather than pass the buck to someone else.

'But I think there's a great deal more people who simply expect to work hard and just have a decent standard of living without being constantly scraping and worrying. '

Why did you believe that? Who sold you that idea? It's the same story - work hard = live well.

Well, guess what? It's NOT TRUE!

And the government is mostly to blame for that.

Not poor people whom people take it out on and then wonder why a generation of children grow up so angry.

Yeah absolutely expat - it's not true. That's what I said in my post. I think it's a huge leap from stating that fact to blaming 'poor people' though!! I don't blame 'poor people', I blame the govt systems which are so crap and don't value people who work hard and support their own family. As I said!