To get annoyed with lone parents being scape goats - yet absent not paying parents are never slated

[ivykaty44]

I get increasingly annoyed with the one sided attitude and the use of lone parents as scape goats - the scrounging of lone parents of the state is just horrific - yet I have to live in poverty and work pay taxes etc.

YET absent non paying parents never seem to get a tounge lashing - they leave their children to be brought up by the tax payers of this country and dont ge=ive a flying pluck who pays for their up keep. But no one quibbles about this - they just turn on the lone parent trying to bring up children on their own and make ends meet - why ?

It makes me so mad find me a post in the archive about absent parents not paying maintenence with over 300 posts - bet you can't...........

YANBU - my dad left when I was 12 because he was bored of having a family . My mum really struggled financially to bring me and my brothers up and we missed out on so much because it was hard to make ends meet - my dad didn't give my mum any money and left her with a £2000 credit card bill as well!!

Ivykaty I do wonder about the grass is greener thing. I sometimes feel that some people don't like the idea of women 'bucking the system' in some ways and living without a man, managing well and raising children alone,and doing a fantastic job while were at it its almost as if we all must be punished for being strong enough to manage alone (not that theres much choice in the matter for the mast majority of us we HAVE to cope and manage because who else is there to do it?!).
I think some people do see single parents as a threat to the nuclear family and traditional family values, but its back to blaming the woman again isn't it, you don't hear much of people saying 'men who leave their partners and don't see or pay for their children are threatening tradition/the nuclear family.'

SweetFA don't let it get to you, I used to feel like crying when I heard some of the usual single parents are scum stuff, and it took me till recentish to realise that it was ignorant bullshit, and to ignore peoples comments, I think you should be very proud of yourself for leaving an abusive men and giving your child the chance to live in a happy loving,nurturing environment with one GOOD parent instead of an unhappy damaging environment with one abuse parent and one abuse terrified parent.

I really don't care what people think of my family, we are happy, they are wonderfull, polite, clever, well raised kids. and I'm proud of myself and all of our achievemnts, we have great friends and a happy life and we give plenty back to society,I've done voluntary work since they've been babies and help other mums out wherever I can,help out a school ect ect and am going to go to university next year and work hard to get a professional qualification and a well paid job.

interestingly (of all people!) David Cameron said rcently that he had no problem with sinlge mothers who generally do a fantastic job with little support. It was absent fathers that he thought should be targeted. It was only a sound bite though so didn't go on to say how...

I sometimes introduce myself as "one of those terrible single mothers"...

sorry it should of been 'one abusive parent and one abused terrified parent' there. stupid typos!

well said skeleton

YET absent non paying parents never seem to get a tounge lashing

I tryed hard not to put any sexism into the equartion or bring into the equation thoses fathers and mothers who do pay maintenence for their children and want to contribute to their childrens lives rather than leave it to the rest of society to pick up the bill.

YANBU

I have a good friend who is a single mum. I honestly do not know how she copes - apart from she has to.

Friend wakes up with her dd, and has to do everything until her dd goes to sleep. When I want a break, dh has the children. When I want to just have a bath in piece, dh looks after dc.
Friend does not have anytime to herself. (I posted this in the other thread, which didn't have a reply too)!

I feel that single mums should actually be proud of themselves.

am seething at the moment at the other thread

upset too, will come back to this later.

I'm proud of myself.

Even more so after wading through the other thread.

YANBU

The ignorance, backed up by the anecdotal 'I know a single mum on benefits who went on holiday 3 times last year', and egged on by the tabloid press is deplorable.

Holiday? What's a holiday? .

Actually, I think the whole thing is just a mixture of envy, greed and a whole load of other nasties. You look at someone else's life and see what you want to see. You know the thing: happy couples and children pop up everywhere when you're on your own. In this case, someone presumes someone else is having it easy. Well, I really don't think easy exists.

As a single Mum, my life is easier than before, which is VERY sad but that is why I am a single Mum. I get lonely, sad for my DC and fed up when my ex plays games with the money but it is still better. Life simply isn't fair and a culture that encourages such pathetic attacks on any of its members deserves a pasting, as does any person who walks away from their responsibilities, normally. Because, lets be honest, we all know of people who have had to walk away and with good reason or through pure desperation but it isn't the norm.

SKeletonbones: you;re quite right about the perception of single mums as a threat to the 'nuclear family': there are still a largenumber of people who, consciously or unconsciously, can't bear the idea of women making choices or refusing to be owned by men. Because the world still runs, in a large part, on women's unpaid labour, and what these people fear the most is that women will just stop servicing other people for no thanks and no money one day.

madamez you speak volumes of sense!! Especially about the world running, to a large part, on women's unpaid labour!

YANBU

I'm a single mum, it is bloody hard, especially juggling working with being a parent, my ex doesn't pay a penny towards DS, chooses to work for cash in hand so he doesn't have to pay maintanance, and yet is getting away with it without anyone giving a hard time! It makes me very angry that all these non paying non-resident parents can get away with it, while single parents are forever being bashed by others.

I'm not even going near that other thread, it makes me too

It's nice that some people at least recognise how hard it is being a single parent!

i am sorry but i am going to ignore this thread. the one from last night actualy upset me which is something i just dont allow words on a screen to do normally.

the attitudes expressed were of the most ignorant and ill informed i have ever known. the fact they felt they were given well considered intelligent debate astounds me.

i have had a really rough few weeks and i really do not think i am capable of staying rational aruons such moronic comments.

we know how string we are, we know the reality of life as a single parent, claiming benefits or not.

Haven't read all threads but in answer to OP
YES, YES and YES

It really bugs me that a Mother can raise children - feed, clothe, love, mops up tears and yet somehow she is responsible for the child being fcked up because the Father left!!!! (am a teacher and hear this bullsht in media about the reason kids are badly behaved is because of this...)

yanbu

I am horrified by the feeling against single mothers (I dont see the same against single fathers, but there are fewer of them).

What is worse, I don't feel that it will change in my lifetime. It runs too deep.

Men feeling threatened by us, because we appear not to need them (not true, but we manage because we have to) is part of the problem.

But there are also so many WOMEN who are prepared to turn on us. Because they think we might steal their men? Because they think we will upset the neighbourhood by having loads of men around? Because they can't relate to our lives if they themselves don't have children, and we aren't camouflaged as part of a couple?

I found the mumsnet thread not so depressing as the bbc one last year. The sheer bile on that thread was shocking.

I find the term 'single parent'unhelpful though tbh. Every child begins life with two parents: that's where the responsibility begins. A true 'single parent' family is one where some tragedy has befallen the family and a parent has died. There are parents whose relationships break down and who choose to not live together, but the fact is that neither the mother or the father stop being parents. So, in answer to the OP, I'd say of course one parent shouldn't be scapegoated. Both parents should take full responsibility for their children until they reach adulthood.

yeah but a lot of the time they don't do they? (take full responsibility I mean).

If all these absent dads took full responsibility it would be different. But not pasying a penny toward's your child's life means you are not taking responsibility. I am a single parent, I don't care if it took two to make DS, I'm the one bringing him up, doing everything that couples do together on my own, and my ex will take credit for this over my dead body.

It takes more than sperm to be a parent.

I do see what you are getting at inthegutter but, I don't feel that I can attribute the term 'parent' to my ds's biological father, in the 12 years since we split, he has contributed less than £600 to his upbringing and despite living less than a mile away, sees him on average twice a year.
He is less a parent and more of a bloody inconvenience tbh. He is supposedly thinking about moving to SA, I wish he'd hurry up and bloody do it. At least then, my ds wouldn't wonder why he doesn't bother with him.

If you decide never to be involved in your child's life then you are not being a parent to them. End of.

'To parent' a child is an action. It is a doing word. There is a reason to this. My ex is not a parent to my DS. My DS is parented by a singe person. Therefore I am a singe parent.

inthegutter sorry, I'm not having a go at you, I agree that both parents should be responsible till the child reaches adulthood. Sadly this is not the reality.

OverMyDeadBody, no need to apologise, I'm not disagreeing with what you are saying. The OP was about the fact that 'single' parents shouldn't be blamed while the absent parent gets away with taking no responsibility. And I'm absolutely agreeing that both parents SHOULD take responsibility!Of course it takes more than sperm to be a parent. It takes love, commitment, putting their needs before your own even when you're shattered and at the end of your tether, and yes, financial responsibility too. The fact that some parents think they can piss off and choose not to do that is a disgrace.

Please ignore the offensive tw@ts who have upset you - there are good parents who have partners and there are good parents who haven't. Whether you fall into either category doesn't make a difference. Only extremely narrow minded people would say otherwise.