Not need another person in my life with MH issues.

[noiremama]

Happy Easter everybody.

I'm going to give a back story.

I'm 30 all my life has been affected by mental health. My mother is bipolar, been hospitalised many times throughout my life and it's hard work. My father has schizophrenia. Sister is in and out of the priory for various issues, she is diagnosed Bipolar and autistic, and is currently in the Priory due to Anorexia.

Me and my 2 brothers are not really close due to the fact we spent most childhood in survival mode witnessing domestic violence and everything else that goes along with it, we live in different parts of the country now.

I still speak to my mother everyday due to the fact she's my mum.

Here is my Aibu

I have a friend I met through DH, let's call her Emma. Emma is dh friends wife. We see each other every year for meet ups. (My dh and her dh facilitate this) Well I recently just moved around the corner from Emma (3 mins walk) so we've been bumping into each other a lot in the local park and we actually get on quite well! My toddler loves her children and it's been nice.

We exchanged numbers and she will call if she's at the park to see if I'm around.
She started whatsapping general chit chat and what not.. then would get rude or tell me "she's not in the mood to text anymore bye"

When I saw her yesterday at the park I asked if everything is okay etc, she told me that she suffers with bipolar and she used to be a cocaine addict (I was not aware) so since finding out she's pregnant again she's having withdrawal symptoms (she was smoking at this point) and said she needs to smoke to stay calm in pregnancy.
From my own experience she was clearly on a low so I just offered my sympathies etc.

She's been whatsapping me all night saying how she doesn't want me to take offence if she acts up as it's her bipolar.

I really have not got the emotional capacity to deal with a friend like this, I'm 35 weeks pregnant and already have my mum and sister whom I cannot just ignore but I feel like I'm in a hard situation. If I back off and keep it casual just at the park she's going to go off at why I won't be her best friend (as she said she wanted me to be)

My husband thinks I should be more compassionate as I know how hard mental illness is, but I'm just fed up of it all tbh. I've had enough of it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to back off this friendship?

Yanbu

People with MH issues can take their toll on you.

It’s hard to know where you stand with them depending on their mood and can have a huge impact on your own MH.

I have a cousin with bi polar and for the three years I stayed in touch with her, I was confused , angry, anxious and upset. She needed me but at the same time her MH issues caused her to abuse me emotionally. When I stopped contact my DH noticed a huge change in me. I was happier.

It sounds horrible but she also played out this way to my other cousins and her sister.

Some of the shit she’d come out with was really wicked and then she would be extremely pleasant to be around.

It really affected my children because one minute I was me and the next minute I was upset.

My mother is depressed and she leans on me far too much. Our calls always end up with her crying and guilt tripping me. But when she’s with my other siblings she’s happy. I do feel like she puts the burden of her mental state entirely on me.

I don’t speak to her. The last time she called I didn’t answer. She’s got my dad and her other 7 children. As well as her daughter in laws and son in laws.

Spent most of my childhood dealing with a rotten sister and a messed up family.

I’m happiest when I’m not around these people because they cannot be reasoned with. It’s up and down all the time.

I would say to dh "I understand and sympathise. I don't judge her for her outbursts. But I don't have the capacity to support her through this. I will be polite when I see her but I can't be more than that."

Might be worth also explaining this to Emma so she realises you are stepping back to look after yourself and not because you don't like her. Also may be too awkward a conversation.

Also, does her DH know what state she's in? That she's latching onto people and messaging them all night? He's the one married to her. Maybe he needs to offer more support / help her to access whatever support is available to her.

It's delicate, as you don't want to betray her confidence but again, the primary relationship is between your and her DHs. So I think something really calm and factual from your DH to hers; 'sorry to hear Emma's struggling, DW has some experience and sympathy, so we get what you're going through but I'm sure you understand that, especially with our second child on the way, we really need to focus our energy on our own family. But, I am here if you want to talk, you know that.'

Or make that 'she (you) needs to focus her energy on the new baby but you know I'm always here, if you need to talk'.

That turns the focus of attention onto him, as her primary support.

@Aquamarine1029

My husband thinks I should be more compassionate as I know how hard mental illness is, but I'm just fed up of it all tbh. I've had enough of it.

Your husband needs to wind his neck in. You are under absolutely no obligation to be Emma's friend/pseudo therapist. Her emotional wellbeing is not your responsibility and you are being very wise to recognise your limits and boundaries. You simply don't have the bandwidth to deal with her issues and that is perfectly ok.

The only answer you need! Perfectly summed up.

My sister has had a long history of MH, and I’ve had to act as a carer/ deal with police all my adult life. Collecting her from police that criminalise her, social workers, suicide attempts... it nearly cracked me up. In saying this to say ‘ I understand how you feel’.

I’ve been in the same position with friends too, I’ve got more upfront. I just say things like ‘sorry I sometimes find things very difficult due to other reasons. Please don’t take offence if I sometimes step back or go quiet. I just don’t always have the capacity myself to reply or support. When I do of course I will, and please don’t take it as I’m offended- I’m just burnt out.’ If it carries in I just reply briefly once ‘very sorry, but I don’t have the capacity now.’. Multiple times if need be.

I do it because I’ve been driven close to the edge in the past, and my children need a happy and kind mother.

You owe this woman nothing and your dh needs to be quiet. It is not your moral duty. You need to prioritise your and the baby’s well-being right now.

Definitely take a big step back from her. This isn't your responsibility to deal with and you have quite enough on your plate.

I'd also be having a very frank word with your DH asking him why he thinks it's acceptable for his very pregnant wife (who he knows already bears the scars of dealing with family mental health issues) to take on a further load to enable his friendship? Does he think it's woman's work? Is he just selfish? I think I would want a clear answer from him.

I would stop discussing her with your husband and pull back from the friendship. Anyone who starts saying that if they behave badly it's not their fault is warning you they will behave badly. I wouldn't say anything particular to her but would just be too tired or busy to meet up and I'd find somewhere else to walk. Id keep replies to messages brief and vague and leave a few days between messages. You can choose your friends

As someone with bipolar I say take a huge step away from this.

I have a family member who I've had to massively draw back from, because when they didn't get the attention they wanted sent lots of abusive messages then would want to forget they treated me like shit . The problem is they are a family member , this friend isn't a close friend or family member so just slow down contact and then stop . You will soon be too busy to prop her up . Take care of yourself