Not need another person in my life with MH issues.

[noiremama]

Happy Easter everybody.

I'm going to give a back story.

I'm 30 all my life has been affected by mental health. My mother is bipolar, been hospitalised many times throughout my life and it's hard work. My father has schizophrenia. Sister is in and out of the priory for various issues, she is diagnosed Bipolar and autistic, and is currently in the Priory due to Anorexia.

Me and my 2 brothers are not really close due to the fact we spent most childhood in survival mode witnessing domestic violence and everything else that goes along with it, we live in different parts of the country now.

I still speak to my mother everyday due to the fact she's my mum.

Here is my Aibu

I have a friend I met through DH, let's call her Emma. Emma is dh friends wife. We see each other every year for meet ups. (My dh and her dh facilitate this) Well I recently just moved around the corner from Emma (3 mins walk) so we've been bumping into each other a lot in the local park and we actually get on quite well! My toddler loves her children and it's been nice.

We exchanged numbers and she will call if she's at the park to see if I'm around.
She started whatsapping general chit chat and what not.. then would get rude or tell me "she's not in the mood to text anymore bye"

When I saw her yesterday at the park I asked if everything is okay etc, she told me that she suffers with bipolar and she used to be a cocaine addict (I was not aware) so since finding out she's pregnant again she's having withdrawal symptoms (she was smoking at this point) and said she needs to smoke to stay calm in pregnancy.
From my own experience she was clearly on a low so I just offered my sympathies etc.

She's been whatsapping me all night saying how she doesn't want me to take offence if she acts up as it's her bipolar.

I really have not got the emotional capacity to deal with a friend like this, I'm 35 weeks pregnant and already have my mum and sister whom I cannot just ignore but I feel like I'm in a hard situation. If I back off and keep it casual just at the park she's going to go off at why I won't be her best friend (as she said she wanted me to be)

My husband thinks I should be more compassionate as I know how hard mental illness is, but I'm just fed up of it all tbh. I've had enough of it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to back off this friendship?

No. Yanbu. You have a lot to deal with already. Best to keep yourself healthy for you me children.

You can “be kind” without meeting up or being her best friend.

You are 35 weeks pregnant, say your back is sore or you are feeling tired or whatever. Once your baby arrives, you won’t have time to be texting anyone anyway, so this is a time-limited problem. Just ghost her gradually.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

No, you don't have to be "best friends" with someone, no matter your reasoning. If you feel comfortable with this level of honesty, I might tell her a version of the truth. You're spread thin with your family commitments and a pregnancy, so you don't have the mental energy to spare.

YANBU. You have so much on your plate as it is, you don't need someone else draining what little energy and happiness you have left.
Being an recovering addict and mental health problems does not give her a good enough reason to be rude, she's just being rude and using it as an excuse to get away with her behaviour.

You just need to make sure you set some boundaries in this relationship. With your history you might have trouble doing this so that is why the idea of being her friends scares you and you are leaning to avoidance. I would use it as an opportunity to practise the boundary setting in a relationship, it might help your confidence here going forward.

I too have had trouble with people crossing boundaries in the past, but by practicing setting them with new relationships I am much more able to be friends with people on my terms. You don't have to let her get too emotionally close to you, or to take on any of her baggage if you don't want to. Just keep it light hearted for now. As time goes on you might build a strong relationship or you will have a friendly acquaintance, which will be easier than avoiding her altogether.

I agree, you don't need to be listening or really having any concern for this woman. She is just adding to all the other concerns that you have to deal with, within your own family. If she is a decent person, she should be aware of all this.

Honestly no, you are not put on this earth to be everyone's impromptu therapist, it will be a one-sided friendship.

YANBU.

Imagine your life as a dinner plate. On your plate are all your responsibilities in life. Your dc, your pregnancy, your relationship with your partner, your work, homelife etc. You also have your very significant responsibilities regarding your family. Your plate is full. You have a new baby due v soon. Your plate is full to the brim.

In order to take on this friend, you will need to add her to your plate. There is no space on the plate. To make space, you would need to remove something or someone. This is not feasible. If you add her to the plate, you risk everything toppling off the plate. Don't let that happen.

YANBU. She sounds really rude and trauma and/or mental illness is not an excuse to be rude or cruel.

I have PTSD from a series of traumatic events. It took years to be happy again. I stay away from people who use their mental illness as part of their personality. What I mean by that is people who use their MH to excuse their behaviour and don’t make an effort to take steps to improving their MH. I don’t need that negativity in my life.

YANBU.

You have more than enough experience to know that you need very strong boundaries & the first word to use is NO.

That’s the NO that you say when you ask yourself if you want to be any more involved with someone. No is the long answer.

Everyone else will do what they do. You do want you need to do & that is keep yourself & your coming baby healthy, happy & calm. Your motherhood is precious, even more so because the the challenges that you had with your own mother. Do not be deflected or distracted by other people’s dramas.

Your OH & others have not had your experiences so will not have your insight. You are way ahead of them in these matters.

YANBU, you have to protect your own mental health first. There's nothing wrong with choosing to no longer be friends with her.

YANBU - fill your own cup first. I have a great friend who is bipolar who I’ve known for 12 years. Guess how many times she’s been rude to me? Never. There’s mental health problems, and then there’s high maintenance bullshit. And you are not responsible for any of it. Congrats on the pregnancy

Bloody hell get rid you don't need that at all. Especially not with a baby coming. If you husband likes her so much he can be her best friend.
I attract every single lame duck at work and they always end up getting me into trouble. I just can't deal with it any more and refuse to engage.

No. She's not your problem. I recently, for the first time ever, cut off a new friendship when she became overly needy due to obvious MH difficulties. Honestly, it was liberating. I've spent all my life trying to save and fix people. Move on

My husband thinks I should be more compassionate as I know how hard mental illness is, but I'm just fed up of it all tbh. I've had enough of it

Of course your DH thinks you should take care of this woman, it makes his friends life easier for one and will reflect back on your DH as being a good guy among his mates, all while you do the actual work. Ask your DH how you are supposed to be compassionate to this woman, counseling her during any mental health crisis, taking any abuse she dishes out to you, walking on eggshells around her or just scoring coke for her? Ask him exactly what he expects you to do, ask him exactly what he is willing to take on to facilitate that, more housework, doing more childcare, doing all night feeds for new baby so you are rested enough to deal with this woman? You are right to step back from her OP, I would also advise getting support, like counseling, if you need support or strategies to deal with your family history. Take care of yourself OP.

YANBU, especially as this person thinks it's alright to excuse her behaviour instead of work on it!

I know how hard it can be to deal with all that OP, and you have a right to take care of yourself now - and in fact you need to, for the health of you and your baby.

GL x

YANBU

I’m a therapist in a mental health setting so a lot of my energy goes into other peoples mental health.

I really couldn’t cope with mentally unwell people in my personal life, obviously with my teens that fine but from partner/friends etc no thanks.

Generally speaking I think true ‘bipolar 1’ is rare and a lot of people especially women are misdiagnosed with bipolar when they actually have EUPD. Like people with a lot of interpersonal/communication difficulties which isn’t necessarily a feature of true biopolar.

(Not speaking about the people involved here or being critical of people with EUPD, it’s just quite a different disorder to experience).

DH may well be feeling that if you don't 'be kind' to Emma, it'll screw up his friendship with her DH. That's not your problem.

@JudyGemstone is EUPD like bipolar?

Yanbu. I had the misfortune to be raised by a parent that used their mh as an excuse to be abusive, and the result is that I'm less, rather than more equipped to deal with anyone else's mh issues.

Her mh or need for understanding is no more important than yours. And your dh is a twat to try and pressure you into yet again prioritising the mh of another to the detriment of your own. Just because you were conditioned to it as a child it doesn't mean your feelings are less important.

You can be just as upfront as Emma about your needs. 'Sorry to hear that Emma. Unfortunately because of my own experiences I'm not in a position to offer the support you need'. Depending on how open in rl about your childhood you can either tell her why or be deliberately vague.

Tell dh to go fuck himself with a pineapple.

[quote Namechange1991x]@JudyGemstone is EUPD like bipolar?[/quote]
Bipolar is a mood disorder, EUPD is a personality disorder (hence the PD in the name). They have more differences than similarities, but a significant similarity is that both can involve noticeable mood swings. This can lead to someone with EUPD being diagnosed as bipolar unless the one doing the diagnosis digs deeper.

Put in your boundaries. Be as much of a friend as you want to be. If she isn't happy with that situation, then either she needs to find a way to deal with that or find a different friend. Harsh as it sounds, but it sounds like you have compassion fatigue and need to prioritise your own needs here

I imagine her DH has been very encouraging of your friendship to your DH. It probably makes his life easier.

Look after yourself, nobody can take in everyone's problems.

@Feedingthebirds1 thank you. I have been told I have possible EUPD but Im awaiting a second assessment. I am confused as my diagnosis has swung from cptsd to eupd and I feel like I get mania but not sure if that's eupd..confusing!