Not need another person in my life with MH issues.

[noiremama]

Happy Easter everybody.

I'm going to give a back story.

I'm 30 all my life has been affected by mental health. My mother is bipolar, been hospitalised many times throughout my life and it's hard work. My father has schizophrenia. Sister is in and out of the priory for various issues, she is diagnosed Bipolar and autistic, and is currently in the Priory due to Anorexia.

Me and my 2 brothers are not really close due to the fact we spent most childhood in survival mode witnessing domestic violence and everything else that goes along with it, we live in different parts of the country now.

I still speak to my mother everyday due to the fact she's my mum.

Here is my Aibu

I have a friend I met through DH, let's call her Emma. Emma is dh friends wife. We see each other every year for meet ups. (My dh and her dh facilitate this) Well I recently just moved around the corner from Emma (3 mins walk) so we've been bumping into each other a lot in the local park and we actually get on quite well! My toddler loves her children and it's been nice.

We exchanged numbers and she will call if she's at the park to see if I'm around.
She started whatsapping general chit chat and what not.. then would get rude or tell me "she's not in the mood to text anymore bye"

When I saw her yesterday at the park I asked if everything is okay etc, she told me that she suffers with bipolar and she used to be a cocaine addict (I was not aware) so since finding out she's pregnant again she's having withdrawal symptoms (she was smoking at this point) and said she needs to smoke to stay calm in pregnancy.
From my own experience she was clearly on a low so I just offered my sympathies etc.

She's been whatsapping me all night saying how she doesn't want me to take offence if she acts up as it's her bipolar.

I really have not got the emotional capacity to deal with a friend like this, I'm 35 weeks pregnant and already have my mum and sister whom I cannot just ignore but I feel like I'm in a hard situation. If I back off and keep it casual just at the park she's going to go off at why I won't be her best friend (as she said she wanted me to be)

My husband thinks I should be more compassionate as I know how hard mental illness is, but I'm just fed up of it all tbh. I've had enough of it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to back off this friendship?

YANBU. At all. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Your energy is finite and you have more than enough on your plate. Is there a chance your DH has discussed your family history with her DH? They may see you as a sympathetic, understanding touchstone for her, but that’s not your problem. I also have immediate family members with significant MH issues and zero boundaries. Both would quite cheerfully have bled me dry to fulfil their own needs and very nearly did. Like a PP, I am extremely circumspect about my friendship circle and will not take on any more ‘projects’. I gave up my childhood and teens to shoring up these two family members and set very firm boundaries in my twenties. I don’t feel I owe anyone else my time or attention in this regard. It’s OK to focus on your own needs. Your husband is seriously out of order for trying to guilt trip you into getting involved. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

[quote Namechange1991x]@Feedingthebirds1 thank you. I have been told I have possible EUPD but Im awaiting a second assessment. I am confused as my diagnosis has swung from cptsd to eupd and I feel like I get mania but not sure if that's eupd..confusing![/quote]
Agree with feedthebirds - they both involved extreme mood changes but bipolar in larger chunks of time (weeks/months) whereas EUPD can be up and down all day.

There is not a lot between C-PTSD and EUPD, many clinicians would tell you they’re the same thing. For me it’s more important to do a thorough case formulation rather than a diagnosis.

[quote Namechange1991x]@Feedingthebirds1 thank you. I have been told I have possible EUPD but Im awaiting a second assessment. I am confused as my diagnosis has swung from cptsd to eupd and I feel like I get mania but not sure if that's eupd..confusing![/quote]
Hey, just commenting as I have CPTSD - the main differences are self-harm and frantic attempts to avoid abandonment which are hallmarks of EUPD, whereas avoidance is more common in CPTSD - and a trauma history is necessary for CPTSD dx but not EUPD.

Hope this helps x

YANBU OP.
You and your DC are your priority and should be your DH’s priority.

There comes a point that you can’t just take any more.

I have been Supporting relatives with and without MH problems for years. Financial,emotional and practical support.

I’ve had enough.

I said to DH that my septic tank is full and I can’t take any more shit from anybody.

Take care of yourself OP, because if you don’t nobody will.

Good luck with the pregnancy

Tell dh to go fuck himself with a pineapple.

brilliant

Agree with others, this is all about others making their own lives easier by dumping on you. The guilt tripping and manipulation is

Indeed that thing about the pineapple 🍍

YANBU - you have enough on your plate already. If DH wants to support Emma he is welcome to do so.

Yanbu

Your H is being a selfish douche here.

Distance yourself. Your H should be prioritising YOU not this other person.

And where is your H’e compassion for you?!

If anything I think it would be better to back off from her completely. There are loads of reasons for this but in fact from her POV if you don't even meet her in the park there is no ambiguity. No ambiguity is better by miles for you too. You are not responsible for her wellbeing and already she has shown you what being a friend of hers would be like. She needs to find her own way of dealing with her condition and while people allow her to treat them like shit, she isn't doing this.

Have the mental freedom of only giving a shit about your own stuff.

I used to work with someone like this. She would use me to work off her frustrations and issues and when I called her on it she would say things like, "You will just have to put up with it, I have been diagnosed with ......." No. Actually I don't have to put up with it. We had a massive row and she was suddenly able to keep her vile tongue in her head!

Had a similar situation with my cousin who I have always been sympathetic to before but she will send me and my mum long essays about her own mother and how much she hates her (totally justified as she was an abused child) BUT she is 34 years old and really needs to find a more effective coping mechanism because it just upsets us as there is very little we can do except watch her fall apart AGAIN. I think you should distance yourself as much as you can...obviously living that close you will bump into each other but avoid any planned meet ups except the ones organised by your husbands for the four of you.

I think it sounds like you have really suffered because of other people’s mental health. Of course you should not feel obligated to take on more of the same.

This bit - ‘ She's been whatsapping me all night saying how she doesn't want me to take offence if she acts up as it's her bipolar.’ - really stuck out.

She’s essentially telling you she’s not prepared to do any work on managing her behaviour and expects you to become both her ‘best friend’ and her whipping post by the sounds of it.

I’d run a bloody mile from anyone who said that to me, it’s always an excuse to suck you dry and act like you exist only for their support.

Your husband is also being a dick, how about he takes on this role if he’s so concerned about ‘compassion’? Which btw is so bloody annoying too as it always seems to be the ones taking the piss or not putting in any effort themselves who bang on about compassion. Where’s his compassion for you and all you’ve been through? Actually cross on your behalf about that comment.

You are not being unreasonable at all. In fact I may glad to see that I am not the only person that feels like this. My DM has MH issues and I have had to cope with it my entire life. It is not easy and I’m constantly on edge not knowing when, how or why I will be on the receiving end of her breakdowns. Through the years I have come across many friends and colleagues with their own MH issues and I have tried to be kind and supportive but I realised it was affecting my own well being by becoming too involved, I realised I just can’t cope with it. It not that I’m a bad person or dont care but I just have to look after myself.

@Aquamarine1029

My husband thinks I should be more compassionate as I know how hard mental illness is, but I'm just fed up of it all tbh. I've had enough of it.

Your husband needs to wind his neck in. You are under absolutely no obligation to be Emma's friend/pseudo therapist. Her emotional wellbeing is not your responsibility and you are being very wise to recognise your limits and boundaries. You simply don't have the bandwidth to deal with her issues and that is perfectly ok.

Absolutely this!

I'd have thought one can be bipolar and still maintain polite relations via text

Those texts sound like her laying out the terms of the relationship up front, she has clearly told you she won’t respect your or your boundaries. If you continue with the relationship, accept that you’re signing up for an imbalanced relationship with an abusive taker. Doesn’t sound great does it? Self-compassion dictates that you cash out now. By setting a boundary and saying no you are also helping her: what she wants is not a healthy, reasonable or realistic basis for a relationship. She needs to learn to manage her own needs and feelings.

You're about to have a baby. This will / can solve your problem. You and your DH will be completely preoccupied with baby and toddler care and have no energy for anyone else.

I suppose if your toddlers get on, there's a temptation to keep meeting up, especially as you've moved to a new area, possibly don't know many other people and there aren't many organised groups meeting up at the moment. That should change by the late summer / autumn, when you're ready to take your new baby out to playgroups etc. I'd really go for that and make new 'mum friends' in your new area.

You could just be direct and honest with her. That might save a lot of assumptions and upset. It seems likely that it will come to this in the end anyway but possibly after a lot of bad feeling has been allowed to develop.

I've no doubt your DHs would love you to get on, so you can form a happy creche, while he and his friend get to go out and do social stuff together. Maybe suggest he could focus on supporting his friend to support his wife (e.g. by taking the DC, so she gets some time to herself for exercise etc, as well as offering a sympathetic ear at all hours), if he thinks her MH is so important (to your family).

I have actual bipolar & wouldn't deal with this level of oversharing.

But I dislike people who overshare about their mental health issues like this.

I could not muster up the energy to deal with some crackhead having the sads because she can't smoke in pregnancy.

I agree
She is a relatively new friend and you don’t have long strings that bind you

You can be kind and a good
Community member but you don’t have to go any further than that if you don’t want to

@Dontbeme

My husband thinks I should be more compassionate as I know how hard mental illness is, but I'm just fed up of it all tbh. I've had enough of it

Of course your DH thinks you should take care of this woman, it makes his friends life easier for one and will reflect back on your DH as being a good guy among his mates, all while you do the actual work. Ask your DH how you are supposed to be compassionate to this woman, counseling her during any mental health crisis, taking any abuse she dishes out to you, walking on eggshells around her or just scoring coke for her? Ask him exactly what he expects you to do, ask him exactly what he is willing to take on to facilitate that, more housework, doing more childcare, doing all night feeds for new baby so you are rested enough to deal with this woman? You are right to step back from her OP, I would also advise getting support, like counseling, if you need support or strategies to deal with your family history. Take care of yourself OP.

This with bells on

This is the thing that really gets me about ‘MH issues’ yes they’re awful, yes there should be awareness and compassion from people BUT people are not obligated to provide endless support or deal with other people’s MH any more than their physical health!

I have A LOT on my plate in my close family, I have a small child, heavily pregnant, parent with cancer, elderly grandparent needing care, disabled sibling...etc. Since it became ‘trendy’ and yes amongst my age group (20’s) and younger it has become somewhat ‘trendy’ to have MH problems, I’ve had numerous friends (not super close ones) ‘reach out’ to me asking for support.

They get a few kind words and a link to the local MH support charities and NHS services where they can seek professional help. I do not have the time or inclination to spend countless hours talking/providing free therapy to these people who seem to just want the attention because they have little else going in in their life tbh!

Funnily enough the few times I did take pity and get into those long therapy like conversations they had no patience at all for me mentioning my struggles or difficult situations...it was just all about them!

Now they seem very put out that I don’t engage but honestly if a friend broke their leg I’d ring an ambulance/take them to the hospital but I wouldn’t be spending hours on end providing care for them and it wouldn’t be expected given I have my own young family and continents...so why would it be any different with MH?

I have suffered MH btw and did eventually get help through professional channels, I didn’t make it my friends problems

If he is so keen on supporting her he can do it himself! He is thinking that he and his mate can do things whilst you are with her.

You cannot take on anymore. Not your circus ...

I once had a friend that would stop taking her ads and become dangerous to be around at least once a year. I put up with it for so long because I felt obligated to support her , I'd known her since primary school. She was self destructive though and would invite me out clubbing (in my younger days) and behave badly , she'd find the nearest dodgy bloke and say she was going off with him , introduce me to predatory men , take drugs , drink too much etc. I had to break contact with her because although she was fine 10 months of the year , I felt like I was her verbal punching bag and baby sitter the other 2.

You're doing the right thing op. And please tell your husband to sod off. He can 'be kind' if he wishes but you have to look after yourself.

I really think this is your DH's problem to solve. He wants to spend more time with his friend. He dreads losing his friend because of awkwardness created if you and Emma fall out. Emma is pressuring you to be something you cannot and do not wish to be, so the point of tension is already there.

He needs to step in to resolve this amicably. Not because you need him to fight your battles but because the primary relationship at issue here, is his with the DH. You probably wouldn't care all that much if you drifted and didn't see them again.

If he wants to save his friendship, he needs to do something to get Emma to back off from you, amicably. You could agree to go for vague brush-offs, only see each other as couples and hope things settle. You could agree that you'll be politely direct to her. Or he could speak to his friend and see what they can come up with themselves.