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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering stranger.

92 replies

Sugar2 · 04/04/2021 05:17

Hi.
So I’m interested I am your opinions on what happened with me yesterday. My daughter who is nine years old and I were doing Parkrun which is 5 km. We do it most weeks so it is something that she is used to doing and enjoys. When we got to approximately 4 km into the run my daughter had slowed a little so I said encouragingly to her ‘ keep going... we’re nearly there.’ But then this woman who was a total stranger turned to my daughter and asked her if she was okay and said she can walk if she wants. My daughter said she was fine but then this stranger then turned to me and said ‘is she okay?’ In a rather aggressive way.
I answered that she was fine and then the stranger replied ‘ well she doesn’t look okay. Your drilling her too hard.’ She said it very rudely and as an attack at me and said it repeatedly.
I was so cross as my daughter was fine.... she was red faced and tired but most people are after running 4km. As I said my daughter does this run regularly.
All I had done was encourage my daughter to keep going and a complete stranger was very attacking this and my parenting..
I said again to her many times she’s fine and that she runs all the time.
She then again told me im pushing her too much and said she was trying to talk to my daughter not me so I should mind my own business!

I said she was my business... she’s my daughter and I’m not pushing her but encouraging her. I was getting cross by this point.

The whole incident really upset me as I love running with my daughter. I hadn’t in anyway shouted at her or drilled her yet I now feel so paranoid running with her. It was embarrassing as people were listening to our exchange and awful my daughter was witnessing and part of all this. I was simply encouraging her to keep going. Which I’d have thought most parents would do. She wasn’t keeling over or in any way looking in a bad way.
After the exchange my daughter and I upped the pace as we wanted to get away from her and my daughter sped up with ease.... she had actually been keen to get around the course quickly as there were Easter eggs at the end and she was worried they’d run out! Ha ha!

But as I said it’s upset me. I’ve never had my parenting questioned before and it shocked me so much. And seemed so inappropriate. I would hardly call taking your child for a run bad parenting! She doesn’t know my daughter and what she’s capable of. It was even a fast run - it was just a fun mother/ daughter run.

Would you guys be upset to? What do you think? I parenting issues hard enough without people jumping on your back and making you question what you are doing.

OP posts:
RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeeeeeyBogie · 04/04/2021 14:19

I'd say something to get myself in trouble like "She's just a bit hungover from last night still!"

Templetreebalm · 04/04/2021 14:41

@RewriteHistory

We don’t do the park run (we should) so I wouldn’t know, but this has just cracked me up ....

I had a little routine for nosy parkers.

Me "Omg are you her real mother"

NP confused "No"

Me hmm"MYOB then"

Walked off
Worked a treat

Haha thanks. It works a treat and gets the point across without an argument. They usually stand there gaping like a fish 😂
LadyLolaRuben · 04/04/2021 14:51

Its nice that the lady was looking out for your daughter, I'd appreciate that. I wish as a society, we would look out for each other more often. Her heart was in the right place - the easiest thing in the world is to do nothing, questioning something takes a lot of courage. However, how she went about it was wrong.

thatwasme22 · 04/04/2021 15:23

I am laughing at all the support the op is getting when a few years ago, I recall a teacher coming on mn and getting a pile on against her when she said a colleague had stepped in and interfered when she was disciplining a student and felt undermined. Yet when it's a parent in threads like this where another adults ''steps in'' the thread is overwhelmingly in support and in favour of 'leave the parent to manage the child themself and don't interfere' . I believe this was the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3253399-to-feel-undermined-by-colleague

georgarina · 04/04/2021 15:31

How rude!!
Absolutely none of her business and even if she wanted to say something she could have been polite.
My DS is blonde and pale and always gets a bright red face when running around, but that's just how he looks, he's fine and has lots of energy.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/04/2021 15:31

Wow, 9 is quite young to be running a 5K, isn’t it?

Of course it's not! My 3 kids all run with me , and for longer than 5 km. one doesn't like it as much as the other 2, so they do it less frequently.

OP fair play to you, sounds great that you were running with your DD

YADNBU, woman was incredibly rude & out of order; I think you probably handled it well tho - if you'd got more angry with her (which she deserved), you'd have risked escalating it further. Sorry it happened, hope you & DD are ok now.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/04/2021 15:32

[quote thatwasme22]I am laughing at all the support the op is getting when a few years ago, I recall a teacher coming on mn and getting a pile on against her when she said a colleague had stepped in and interfered when she was disciplining a student and felt undermined. Yet when it's a parent in threads like this where another adults ''steps in'' the thread is overwhelmingly in support and in favour of 'leave the parent to manage the child themself and don't interfere' . I believe this was the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3253399-to-feel-undermined-by-colleague[/quote]
Mad that you thought of this thread & thought it was similar. 😳 I've had a quick read - there's literally no comparison

thatwasme22 · 04/04/2021 15:45

Yes there is, the teacher was trying to deal with a child who wouldn't go into a classroom and another teacher stepped in and teacher felt pissed off as they wanted to handle it themself. Here is similar situation and the reactions are very different. Even a poster pointed out the hypocrisy on it:

''I understand this as l am a teacher. She had no business getting involved.
Im laughing at allthe people saying its no problem . If you were correcting your child and your mil stepped in to take over and leave you standing like a fool you would not like it. In school we are in loca parentis( spelling!!) so people need to look at this through a parents eyes. Often here we hear moms upset when some one steps in while there are discipling their child.''

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2021 15:46

@Wearywithteens

What a shame that other adults can’t look out for the welfare of kids these days. It should not be crime to gently question if a child is ok.

Lots of parents don’t have the best interests of their kids at heart. Lots of parents shout at children from the sidelines because they want that child to excel in a sport that they love, not necessary that the child loves. Perhaps she spotted a bit of that going on? Maybe not. But it is quite an ugly thing to see children being aggressively pressured to ‘perform’ to the standards of competitive parents.

But was that actually the case in point?
Cushionsnotpillows · 04/04/2021 15:47

I'd have just told her to fuck off out of our faces and lives - us Scots can be as blunt as the Aussies. Grin

MargaretThursday · 04/04/2021 15:48

I don't think that 5km is too far for a 9yo. My non-sporty one could have done that if necessary (although not enjoyed it!)

However having done competitive sport both as a child and an adult there are a good number of children who are stuck in between hating it and the midst of parents wanting them to do it, and do it "properly". The child will often not tell the parent they don't want to do it any more, because they don't want to disappoint them. They normally loved it when they started and the parent assumes they still do.

Op knows her child, and says that she loves it, wanted to keep going etc, however I've known a number where the parent would have said exactly the same and been totally wrong.

And 9yo is really where it can be a difficult point if the parent wants to continue. When younger they'll often go along because the parent wants to, and not really think too much about it. When older than that, they're old enough to stay alone and wait.
9yo they can then be aware that the parent can't do it if they say no, and feel they have to keep on going.

I don't think the runner was wrong to check the dc was okay. However she continued it too far. She should have backed off after your dd said she was okay.

draughtycatflap · 04/04/2021 15:54

Remember, next time your daughter is the perfect height to punch her in the fanny and shout “jog on, dogbreath!”.

memberofthewedding · 04/04/2021 15:55

If some random stranger interfered between me and my child I would come back hard on them. I have a tongue like a lash. It constantly amazes me how people to whom I have never been introduced, whom I do not know or wish to know feel they have a right to express an opinion on what I do and say.

anon12345678901 · 04/04/2021 15:56

That would have wound me up, like to ask once if she's ok, fine, but then to reply back like that is just plain rude.
Well done on the 5k btw!
Reminds me once when I was in the supermarket with my child who was a toddler at the time and crying in the trolley as I said no to chocolate whilst shopping. A stranger turned to me and my son, got out some random chocolate in her bag and gave it to him. I was livid. Sometimes people need to mind their own damn business.

Misshapencha0s · 04/04/2021 15:57

The stranger ought to mind her own business. It's not like you gave your kid a slap across the face. Interfering twit.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/04/2021 16:02

I think over 3 miles is a bit much for a 9 year old, personally.

It really isn't.

Fembot123 · 04/04/2021 16:06

@Wearywithteens

What a shame that other adults can’t look out for the welfare of kids these days. It should not be crime to gently question if a child is ok.

Lots of parents don’t have the best interests of their kids at heart. Lots of parents shout at children from the sidelines because they want that child to excel in a sport that they love, not necessary that the child loves. Perhaps she spotted a bit of that going on? Maybe not. But it is quite an ugly thing to see children being aggressively pressured to ‘perform’ to the standards of competitive parents.

Yeah because that’s what happened 😂😂
Fembot123 · 04/04/2021 16:08

It’s hilarious that people would think it’s safe for their child not to be fit enough to run 3 miles but being able to is unsafe.

Mummaminnie · 04/04/2021 16:08

For all those saying 5km is too far for 9 year olds, tell that to the all the parents of children around that age at our local park run.

And as for being red faced, some people have that colouring where they go red when they exercise. I do and so does my DD.

I'm quite jealous OP that you get to run with your DD. My DD is way too fast for me now.

Catsaremybesties · 04/04/2021 16:33

This reminds me when I was little girl- about 7-8 years old I must be and me and my mum were in a big city shopping.
I was too much excited and walked into one of those metal barriers at the entrance of a supermarket. It barely scraped my forehead- it looked like a scratch you usually get on a knee- I did not even cried, only I bit of blood.
Anyway a man noticed this and went up to my mum telling her I need to go to A&E immediately.
My mum knew it’s not serious but he kept insisting that I need hospital straighaway. He became really aggressive and started following us all over the city, kept repeating nonstop to take me to the hospital, pestering her.
It was terrible.
Luckily after about two hours we managed to jump on bus in a busy bus station and he stayed on the station.
I still remember it so well, I can literally still see the whole situation like it was yesterday and this was in the early 80s.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/04/2021 17:27

Yes there is, the teacher was trying to deal with a child who wouldn't go into a classroom and another teacher stepped in and teacher felt pissed off as they wanted to handle it themself. Here is similar situation and the reactions are very different.

Have you not read the thread at all?

OP wasn't trying to deal with her child. She was on a run, with her child, no problem at all.

A random woman stepped in & tried to suggest the child should stop for reasons best known to herself

In your linked thread, a teacher got involved with a disciplinary matter involving a student & another teacher. Whether right or wrong, it's entirely different!

Cushionsnotpillows · 04/04/2021 18:45

@Wearywithteens but OP has CLEARLY said it wasn't "gently asking" it was harsh, repetitive, interfering questioning, ignoring the OP.

So your point is completely irrelevant.

CuriousSeal · 04/04/2021 23:23

She was clearly out of line and sounds like she was projecting a little.

I personally think it's wonderful to see so many children on my local park runs. I hope that one day my DS would like to do them with me! 🤞

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 04/04/2021 23:27

Id imagine there is some kind of running trauma in her past - a horrible PE teacher for example.