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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering stranger.

92 replies

Sugar2 · 04/04/2021 05:17

Hi.
So I’m interested I am your opinions on what happened with me yesterday. My daughter who is nine years old and I were doing Parkrun which is 5 km. We do it most weeks so it is something that she is used to doing and enjoys. When we got to approximately 4 km into the run my daughter had slowed a little so I said encouragingly to her ‘ keep going... we’re nearly there.’ But then this woman who was a total stranger turned to my daughter and asked her if she was okay and said she can walk if she wants. My daughter said she was fine but then this stranger then turned to me and said ‘is she okay?’ In a rather aggressive way.
I answered that she was fine and then the stranger replied ‘ well she doesn’t look okay. Your drilling her too hard.’ She said it very rudely and as an attack at me and said it repeatedly.
I was so cross as my daughter was fine.... she was red faced and tired but most people are after running 4km. As I said my daughter does this run regularly.
All I had done was encourage my daughter to keep going and a complete stranger was very attacking this and my parenting..
I said again to her many times she’s fine and that she runs all the time.
She then again told me im pushing her too much and said she was trying to talk to my daughter not me so I should mind my own business!

I said she was my business... she’s my daughter and I’m not pushing her but encouraging her. I was getting cross by this point.

The whole incident really upset me as I love running with my daughter. I hadn’t in anyway shouted at her or drilled her yet I now feel so paranoid running with her. It was embarrassing as people were listening to our exchange and awful my daughter was witnessing and part of all this. I was simply encouraging her to keep going. Which I’d have thought most parents would do. She wasn’t keeling over or in any way looking in a bad way.
After the exchange my daughter and I upped the pace as we wanted to get away from her and my daughter sped up with ease.... she had actually been keen to get around the course quickly as there were Easter eggs at the end and she was worried they’d run out! Ha ha!

But as I said it’s upset me. I’ve never had my parenting questioned before and it shocked me so much. And seemed so inappropriate. I would hardly call taking your child for a run bad parenting! She doesn’t know my daughter and what she’s capable of. It was even a fast run - it was just a fun mother/ daughter run.

Would you guys be upset to? What do you think? I parenting issues hard enough without people jumping on your back and making you question what you are doing.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 04/04/2021 07:55

She went way over the line, you were far calmer than I would have been with this woman. 5k is fine for most 9 year olds. Running this distance has done my asthmatic 9 year old the world of good. He started running daily at the beginning of the first lockdown.

Kotatsu · 04/04/2021 08:05

We're not a running family (I'm short and fat, not built for speed!) but me and my 10 (although 8 when we started) did parkrun!

Now yes, I was killing myself to keep non-embarrassingly ahead of the tail walkers (and there was a time when the tail walker just jogged straight past me, not realising we even were in the parkrun... ), but he was absolutely fine with it.

He did the kids parkrun too, which was just 2k, and the kids at the front of that just loped round, and I don't think would even notice 5k - and they were all around the 8-12 mark.

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 04/04/2021 08:31

It's probably just an Aussie thing. Dp is Aussie . I have not travelled there but do find them to be more forward and in your face than other nationalities .
Not trying to offend any aussies here , just my experience .

frumpety · 04/04/2021 08:38

It sounds as though she was projecting a bit doesn't it ? With her talking about 'drilling' , maybe she was pushed really hard as a child ? No excuse for how she spoke to you though.

sbhydrogen · 04/04/2021 08:38

I'd be telling that person to bugger off 👌

ContractClockAndCrucible · 04/04/2021 08:46

We were never encouraged to do anything as kids, no sports etc. I wish someone had had a go at my parents for letting us watch telly all day!

Queenoftheashes · 04/04/2021 08:56

Preach. I ran for fun as a kid but didn’t keep it up and it’s so much harder training as a fat adult who smoked and drank through their 20s. Wish my parents had encouraged me more.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 04/04/2021 09:00

Was the stranger a parkrun volunteer?

As a parkrun RD we are encouraged to keep an eye on making sure children aren't being pushed too hard, & I've seen even at junior parkrun parents bullying their children.
It's a run not a race. Sounds like someone who was concerned & is trying to deliver the parkrun ethos.
If you're happy and your daughter is happy, brush it off & think no more about it.

Templetreebalm · 04/04/2021 09:40

I had a little routine for nosy parkers.

Me "Omg are you her real mother"

NP Confused "No"

Me Hmm"MYOB then"

Walked off
Worked a treat

Saz12 · 04/04/2021 09:55

Woman is an interfering busybody! Good that your 9-year-old can run 5km, perfectly age-appropriate distance, and of course some encouragement is great.
Of course some parents are overly-competitive, and therefore push DC too hard. It doesn’t sound like OP is! But that’s not something a stranger could successfully address during a run anyway.

Original poster
Sugar2 · 04/04/2021 10:13

She was another runner.. not a volunteer.

OP posts:
FrancesHaHa · 04/04/2021 10:16

My DD does 5k park runs too (or did when allowed). The woman sounds like she was unnecessarily interfering and I'd just forget about it OP.

I do judge the parents shouting at their little kids at junior parkrun who clearly don't want to be there as I think that's the best way to put a child off from enjoying running. This clearly isn't you though.

sst1234 · 04/04/2021 10:21

These kind of busybodies usually find that their moral compass has gone missing if a Vicky Pollard type character is screaming blue murder at her child in public or hitting their child or indeed making them shoplift in plain sight. Their humanity only boils over for self indulgent purposes. Much like the rest of the woke brigade. Probably why real good is done people you can’t see.

Wearywithteens · 04/04/2021 10:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TheWaif · 04/04/2021 10:44

@Wearywithteens

What a shame that other adults can’t look out for the welfare of kids these days. It should not be crime to gently question if a child is ok.

Lots of parents don’t have the best interests of their kids at heart. Lots of parents shout at children from the sidelines because they want that child to excel in a sport that they love, not necessary that the child loves. Perhaps she spotted a bit of that going on? Maybe not. But it is quite an ugly thing to see children being aggressively pressured to ‘perform’ to the standards of competitive parents.

Oh do shut up.
Original poster
Sugar2 · 04/04/2021 11:11

Wearywithteens. Seriously I really don’t think you read my message!
My daughter was there by her choice. I encouraged her at 4km to keep going. I was not shouting or being aggressive in any way at all. I think I had said that clearly.
Im all for looking out for welfare of kids .. but for goodness sake... this is parkrun!! She was there by her choice and was keen to keep running. She enjoys pushing herself and my encouragement helps her. This is her words not mine!
The stranger repeatedly and angrily told me I was drilling my daughter and was relentlessly at me even though my daughter had told her she was fine. Are you calling that ‘looking out for the welfare of children?’ It certainly wasn’t ‘gentle questioning’ My daughter ended up being scared of the woman by the way she carried on (again my daughters words)

Fine to look out for the welfare of children but be appropriate and don’t look for issues that aren’t there. Parents encouraging their children in sport is not bad parenting.... and certainly does not need strangers interfering and making an issue of something that isn’t.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/04/2021 12:18

Taking out your phone and filming her to report her for harassing you and your child should get rid of her.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2021 12:25

Well this has escalated fast. Now your daughter was scared of her? Wow.

It seems she may have over stepped but was ultimately coming from a good place and was worried about your child.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2021 13:05

In this situation you may need to be more assertive to protect your child. After you initially responded politely to her and she kept badgering you and became aggressive, either a loud "go away and leave us alone" or alternatively, laugh and ask if she's ok herself and reassure her she can walk if she wants.
She sounds like a bully with a chip on her shoulder rather than someone acting out of genuine concern.
You could make a plan with your daughter that if this ever happens again you will both just speed up and leave them behind

AllyBama · 04/04/2021 13:41

@Wearywithteens I think the point here is that the woman wasn’t ‘gently’ questioning the OP, in fact is sounds like it was bordering on harassment. At the absolute most a friendly ‘are you alright?’ may have been acceptable (maybe!) but when the OP made it clear that she and her daughter were fine, she should have backed off. I’m all for the whole ‘if you see something, say something’ in certain circumstances but this definitely feels like an overreaction

NC4N · 04/04/2021 13:44

I'm probably going to get battered by mumsnet for having a different opinion to the majority, but you asked for opinions so.

I think over 3 miles is a bit much for a 9 year old, personally. And so, I can understand the womans concern.

That said I think it's wonderful to take proper exercise together, and I definitely wouldn't have poked my nose in quite as far as this woman. I may have watched from a distance if I saw something I was concerned about to gauge whether child was distressed at 'having to do something' rather than wanting to. Maybe I would have even asked child if she was OK, if she was sure, and left it at that.

It's hard to say, because we didn't observe it. A lot of parents think how they parent is totally fine, when its obviously not and what they're doing is harmful. I'm not saying it's the case here, just that it happens, and parents aren't doing it to be mean to child, they genuinely think it's OK.

But no, I wouldn't have told a stranger they were 'drilling her too hard' or kept going at it when told/assured by the child she's fine, to answer your question, and I can understand your side of it too.

AllyBama · 04/04/2021 13:50

5km is fine for most 9 year olds, especially if they’re already running regularly. Even webmd.com says kids can start running that far from 8.

GreenlandTheMovie · 04/04/2021 13:54

For some reason, road running races are full of interfering strangers. Park run is particularly bad. I now keep my head down and avoid making eye contact, because there are so many men who try and tell me how to run, give me useless advice, or try and corner you at the finish, to bore you senseless about a minute by minute analysis of their run, even though you've never met them before in your life. In one park run on the Wirral, the organisers had to have a quiet word with a male runner who ran beside me, trying to engage me in talk for nearly the entire race, even though I ended up shouting at him to leave me alone (other runners reported him too).

The only way to deal with this is to completely ignore them and if they fail to leave you alone after being asked politely to do so more than twice, report them to the organisers.

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/04/2021 13:55

Why is 3 miles too much for a 9 year old if she’s done it before and feels fine?

People can be such meddlesome idiots towards children who are out exercising. Mine are always complaining about being harassed when out running. Fortunately they run so fast that they can get away from harassers really quickly.

And then people wonder why we have a health problem with youngsters. Would it be better for them to be sitting in front of a screen?

Norabuzz · 04/04/2021 14:11

Another one whose 9 year old regularly (well, pre-COVID) and happily does weekly 5kms Parkruns. Surprised to read posters suggesting it's too far for 9 year olds!

She was way out of line OP.

And no, to the previous poster, it's not 'just an Aussie thing' Hmm.