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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to expect re starting primary school as a mum

63 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/04/2021 17:03

DD starting primary school in September.
Worried about how DD will cope doing whole days and how she will adapt to a new possibly overwhleming environment where she doesn't know anyone and there's lots of bigger kids.
What do mums wear on the school run?
Is it true about "playground cliques" of mums?
What happens with playdates? Surely you dont just let your 4yr old go to the house of complete strangers?
Wondering how it all works?!
Thanks! x

OP posts:
Mylittlepony374 · 03/04/2021 17:08

My 4 year old is also starting in September and I'd also wondered about play dates so am interested in responses....

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 03/04/2021 17:10

Watch Motherland Grin

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/04/2021 17:12

I've not seen Motherland, is it realistic?!

OP posts:
folloyourarro · 03/04/2021 17:15

I think you might be overthinking it a bit! Does she go to pre school?

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/04/2021 17:16

Yes she goes to preschool but only 2.5 days a week.

OP posts:
Galvia · 03/04/2021 17:18

Agree. Watch motherland. Wink Wear what you like on the school run. Play dates will still (probably) only be at the park by then so arrange to meet to play with friends there, which means you can stick around and get to know the friend's Mum/Dad. See if you can find out who will be starting in September and have some get togethers over the summer. Your child will cope just fine with full days. Early to bed for the first few weeks of term!

FourTeaFallOut · 03/04/2021 17:19

You get different school gate cultures, some more sociable and intense than others. People wear all kinds of clothes, work clothes, gym clothes, casual clothes. Sorry, not much help there I suppose.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 03/04/2021 17:19

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I've not seen Motherland, is it realistic?!
It’s an exaggeration for laughs, but you will probably encounter characters like that at the school gate.

Seriously though mums just wear normal clothes, and don’t worry about play dates until your child has got to know the other kids.

folloyourarro · 03/04/2021 17:19

Wear the same as you do for those drop offs Winkwe didn't do play dates in reception, but school parties, probably won't be drop off parties in reception. I don't talk to people on school run, I don't have time so don't know about cliques! As for tiredness, my kids were fine, didn't struggle with school at all, even managed after school club and hobbies, but were in childcare full time by 3/4.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2021 17:19

My advice would be watch and learn. Don’t get too friendly too quickly, be pleasant to everyone but don’t expect to find your future BFF in the first week! Don’t listen to gossip or join in, just smile and nod. Adopt a watch and wait approach. Don’t assume people who know eachother are cliquey, they might just have older siblings who play together or something.
Volunteer for the PTA, go to one or 2 meetings and if they are a nightmare then avoid but give them a chance, some are really welcoming.
As for play dates, no you don’t send them alone, you go too the first time or so. If anyone wants to send their child to you solo the first time the chances are they are piss takers who will use you for free childcare or total flakes and not responsible enough to be entrusted with your child.
Nobody will care what you wear at most schools, unless it’s OTT but try to be vaguely clean and no pyjamas.
If your child is happy when you drop off but you are tearful then you are doing it right.

OwlinaTree · 03/04/2021 17:21

Usually there is some sort of settling in days where they do a half day for a bit to start with.

She'll probably just be with other children her own age to start with.

You could go for a play in the park to get to know another child's mum after school before inviting them for a play date.

You wear clothes for the school run - not your pjamas Grin

There's cliques like there is with every activity. Your don't have to engage.

APurpleSquirrel · 03/04/2021 17:22

My DD started primary in 2019 - I didn't know anyone else (though since found two children from DDs nursery were moved there so knew their mums). DD was the new child who hadn't attended the preschool.
I just started talking to the other mums in the playground (when we could still go in the playground!) or now the car park/village green. I joined the PTA & that helped me get to know lots of other mums.
Ours is a very small primary, I don't think there any cliques as such, just parents who know each other better than others, mainly due to the children's friendships/ages.
Not really had the chance to do play dates yet because of lockdown but generally you maybe meet up at parks & attend parties etc & gradually get to know the parents which leads to play dates.
Am looking forward to DD being able to start up all the out-of-school stuff soon.
I just wear my normal clothes for the school run? Sometimes smarter if I'm in work that day, but usually jeans & top or leggings & dress. It's not a fashion parade & no-one judges on what you wear - or at least they don't here!

OneEpisode · 03/04/2021 17:23

Hopefully the post-COVID measures will prevent some of the silliness we had. In both my kids reception years the birthday party round dominated weekends. 30 kids in a class meant there seemed to be a party every weekend. By year 2 parents had calmed down and only invited the kids their dc actually wanted to play with...

FourTeaFallOut · 03/04/2021 17:24

Don’t listen to gossip or join in, just smile and nod.

Oh yeah, for sure, words to live by.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2021 17:29

I have never seen issues in the playground at drop off/ pick up. People chat to the people they know (so may be seen as a clique?) but everyone is friendly.

I just wear whatever I'm wearing that day- whether it's work clothes or every day clothes, I can't contemplate considering a school run outfit (although search on here for school run dress and some people do). Apparently the school run dress is a quick outfit you can put on if you're in scruffy cleaning clothes or something- I'd just pick up in the scruffy clothes.

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/04/2021 17:30

I am really worried I've chosen the wrong school as all her friends from nursery are going to a different one. Is it too late to change it now?!
It would be a much smoother transition if she already knew plenty of the other kids in her class, at this school she wont know anyone! If I had known this I would have factored it in when choosing a school but due to covid haven't been able to chat at the nursery gate with the other nursery mums.

OP posts:
OneEpisode · 03/04/2021 17:32

Friendships change rapidly at this age. Ask at the pre-school what they plan to do to ease transition. Mine had a list of children by primary school and grouped them together for activities. New connections happened fast.

BloodyHellAudrey · 03/04/2021 17:32

Reception teachers know what they are doing. Their job is to help your child adjust. And I know some are preparing for kids who have had a very different preschool experience to usual.

The playground will be separate from the rest of the classes. Nursery and reception classes usually have their own, more so if schools are still keeping bubbles separate.

If you're doing the school run then you'll form relationships (if you choose to!) and get to know the kids and the parents at the same time. Our class has a class WhatsApp (which I know some people hate) but it's been useful for wrong jumpers, sharing class/school letters etc.

I don't think there's a mum uniform Grin just wear why you'd usually wear.

Mine goes to school nursery, so he started at 3 nearly 4. Full days. He was grumpy as fuck from being tired the first week, he'd come out and be in a disgusting mood as soon as he got in Grin They adjust and get used to it. They form friendships amongst themselves but they're fairly fluid at that age.

thelegohooverer · 03/04/2021 17:35

I’ve never really seen the cliques that other people talk about. Some of the other mothers will recognise each other from having dc in older classes and may be chatting on the first few days. That can look cliquey from the outside, particularly as some people are very poor at noticing or including other people when they are deep in conversation.
There are usually lots of mums standing by themselves, and conversations consist of vague comments about the weather for the first 3 months. Play dates are the main way of getting to know other parents.

folloyourarro · 03/04/2021 17:36

We moved just before school started so DS didn't know anyone, IME 4 year olds aren't particularly loyal and are quick to make friends! I really wouldn't worry about that.

TwoTypesOfStock · 03/04/2021 17:39

Be your own person, do what you want, wear what you want.
I’m too old for all this nonsense 🙄

notanothertakeaway · 03/04/2021 17:39

TBH, I think you're overthinking it. Wear normal clothes, be polite and friendly, it'll all be fine

Bluetrews25 · 03/04/2021 17:39

Don't stress about it. She will pick up on it and think that there MUST be something to worry about as Mummy is all fearful and wobbly.
Bright and breezy.
She'll most likely make friends quickly - did she at pre school?

Puffinhead · 03/04/2021 17:43

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I am really worried I've chosen the wrong school as all her friends from nursery are going to a different one. Is it too late to change it now?! It would be a much smoother transition if she already knew plenty of the other kids in her class, at this school she wont know anyone! If I had known this I would have factored it in when choosing a school but due to covid haven't been able to chat at the nursery gate with the other nursery mums.
My DDs went to a different primary school to most of their nursery cohort and honestly it was fine. They’re still little and make new friends easy enough.

You’re over-thinking it all. Just be be yourself and a positive example for your daughter.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/04/2021 17:46

Hi OP
.please trust the school! They are used to transitioning 30 kids who don't know each other, who are one year apart in age, and have differing levels of confidence and maturity. In reception its mostly play based, with maybe a phonics session in the morning and a maths one in the afternoon and the rest of the time its play. She will make friends in no time as there will be loads of others in the same boat and the teachers will look out for an include any kids that find it more difficult at first.

Playdates I found didnt really happen , it was parties the first year (not sure what the situation will be by sept). Millions of whole class parties every weekend. And there was a class whatsapp group, if there isnt one that you know of you can ask someone at a party and suggest one if there isnt. I think it's nice to concentrate on friendships out of school anyway in case of any issues in school.

People wear anything on the school run from loungewear to suits to smart. I dont know anyone that has specific school run clothes. Just avoid beachwear, swim wear and night wear and it will be fine. Yes I'm sure there are cliques in some schools but if there are there will also be other parents who aren't part of them and cant be arsed with the drama.

It would be mad to change schools based on who your child was friends with age 3 and 4. People move and children change so they likely wouldn't remain friends. The only difference it will make is an easier couple of days for your daughter in september.

Your daughter will be knackered the first term and will tell you she learnt 'nothing' and the only comments you will get are what she had for lunch.

The best things you can do to help your daughter are -
*stop worrying. She will pick up on it and think school is to be feared

  • teach her independence skills, doing her coat and buttons and getting changed for PE and wiping her bum and washing her hands properly and drinking unpromoted (or anything else that's an issue when you dont remind her, like waiting too long to go for a wee etc)
  • make sure when you play games with her that you don't let her win all the time, practice taking turns, and listening while other people talk.

This will help her settle in a lot more than if she spends all day clinging to the friend that she made at nursery instead of getting to know other people

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