To not know what to expect re starting primary school as a mum

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD starting primary school in September.
Worried about how DD will cope doing whole days and how she will adapt to a new possibly overwhleming environment where she doesn't know anyone and there's lots of bigger kids.
What do mums wear on the school run?
Is it true about "playground cliques" of mums?
What happens with playdates? Surely you dont just let your 4yr old go to the house of complete strangers?
Wondering how it all works?!
Thanks! x

My DD only went with one other from her preschool and it was someone she wasn’t really friendly with. She quickly made friends. I don’t do many school runs but the other mums are lovely - not really noticed any cliques. Everyone was happy to talk to everyone else. We have a Facebook chat, but it is really only used to check information e.g. is tomorrow a non-uniform day?Reception parties were if DC was the eldest then parents stayed if the DC was the youngest sibling then they were frequently left if parents were happy! At one point we seemed to go through a party every weekend but that petered out by year 2. I’ve helped out other mums in emergencies and they’ve helped me in return. Distinct lack of CFs! DD1 now walks to and from school herself so I’m very rarely at the gates but it will change in Sept when DD2 starts. I found I did get lots of information from the school so now write it down as soon as the text or email comes through and put the dates into my diary and my work diary.

Morning drop offs were a rush and in the afternoons my mum (in her 70s) did the school run while I was at work. She says hardly anyone talks to the grandparents, except other grandparents! So if you find yourself standing alone and don't want to be, say hi to a granny who is standing by herself too :-)

What do mums wear on the school run?

• a mix, some people have work wear, most are just in basic casual clothes, jeans and a top or leggings.

Is it true about "playground cliques" of mums?

• not at our school. There are some mums who are more friendly with each other or who've known each other longer but it's not an issue.

What happens with playdates? Surely you dont just let your 4yr old go to the house of complete strangers?

• DD is in yr 2 now, there were no play dates in reception, probably would have been in yr1/2 if Covid hadn't buggered it up as the parents have started to get to know each other a bit and it's clear which kids yours wants to spend more time with and whether or not the parents would agree to it.

Don’t stress. My daughter started last September and didn’t know anyone in her class. The school did a summer picnic where we all got to meet each other and some of the mums made a Facebook group and initiated an informal park meet up. So you might have some opportunities to meet others before they start.

If you are in the UK and have applied for a state school place I think it would be too late to change now. But your child will be fine. The settling period is usually gradual and takes a while and they just play mostly to start with anyway.

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I am really worried I've chosen the wrong school as all her friends from nursery are going to a different one. Is it too late to change it now?! It would be a much smoother transition if she already knew plenty of the other kids in her class, at this school she wont know anyone! If I had known this I would have factored it in when choosing a school but due to covid haven't been able to chat at the nursery gate with the other nursery mums.

Did didn't know anyone on day 1, by day 2 she had 3 best friends. Throughout reception she was generally happy to go in to school but there was the odd day here and there where she would inexplicably start crying and saying she didn't want to go. It always passed and there was never anything she could point to as being the reason .

Honestly,‘it’s fine. Main thing to remember is that it’s your child going to school and not you!

DS is starting school in Sept and he is summer born so going to be one of the little ones. Plus no one from his nursery is going to his primary! I am a bit worried about that truth be told but he has been at nursery since 1 and is a sociable boy so should be fine.

Yes, it is too late right now as the deadline was Jan and school place allocations will be sent out in a few weeks. I guess you can try and get on the waiting list for another school but I wouldnt bother personally.

If someone doesn't say hello to you, it is more than likely they are pre-occupied, short sighted or shy than they dislike you. It took me a while to cotton onto this!
If someone else is standing by themselves day after day at the reception pick up point, go and say hi. She might become your best friend (as happened to me when I finally plucked up the courage to say hello).
If there are a gang of mothers together, they are not necessarily a clique. They just happen to know each other from pre-school/church/being at school together/neighbours etc. It doesn't automatically mean that they are going to ignore you or are gossiping about you. Go and say hi!

Figure where to drop them before the first day, school assumed we knew. Lots of confused parents

I'm a ta in reception class, we don't notice what you're wearing..unless you're wearing pjs and slippers. Then we notice!

Yes in my experience school gate cliques very much do exist! My son plays with a set of boy/girl twins and another little girl the 4 of them are a group and play together. School is next to a fantastic park so after school on nice days lots of kids go over to the park including my son and his friends are usually there...those 2 mums stand together chatting and ignore me who stands alone whilst our 4 kids play together 🙄 I’ve tried making conversation...no go 🤔 not awkward at all! But I’d never make my son suffer by not taking him to play with them .

I think you should stop worrying about the first days of school.Thinking about all the intricate details about everything is perhaps not wise..

Your child will go in, and find her place so to speak, and hopefully settle in well.
I was never one for chatting much at the school gates,as you get the measure of some women, those to avoid, especially.

My two children didn't have the obligately play dates. but mostly their school friends congregated at our house in the village,as we had a large field at the back, and one over the road in front. there were cows and chickens etc in the fields, so all this attracted many kids to come round after school, could be six kids,or 20 etc.

I think a lot of the other Mum in the village, were quite relieved about this after school play at our house most of the time.. it was mostly outdoors, and the children could come in the kitchen for drinks anytime.

The only thing that would bug me about schools these days,would be the ridiculous lunch box scenarios, with things being policed !

DD didn't know anyone at her school when she started, soon make friends. Teachers are very good at this age at making sure everyone is included etc. Her school had a different play area for the young one so they weren't in with the big kids.

Never notice what parents wear on the school run. Also not seen the cliques thing but most people are just dropping their kids and going about their business, usually off to work. This might be different if there are a higher proportion of SAHP, but no reason to think people might not be friendly.

Play dates at this age was kids going to the park together after school. Also there tends to be bigger parties when they're little so you'd have a chance to meet parents then

Dgs will be starting school in September and his mum will take and collect on 2 days as she works 3 days ias a teacher, my sil works shifts with 4 days on and 4 days off so he will collect when he is not working and then I do any they can’t so there could be mums, dads, grandparents or child careers doing the school run. I am quite happy to talk to anyone!

The best you can do over summer is prepare your DD,go for walks to the school, show her the gates, tell her what she will do there. Focus on teaching her to get dressed, put her coat on, eat with cutlery etc.

My son started last Sep,we didnt have teachers visiting or stay and play with parents unfortunately because of covid. Children had stay and play in groups of six in August, so we met some other mums there. Meeting other parents is hard with covid, staggered start and finish etc, but in time you will get to know someone, there will be class whatsup group, I actually met ppl through my son. He saw children from his class in the local playground or on the highstreet and we just chatted for a bit. 4 children live on our street, so again you chat to ppl on the way from school.you will both be fine.

DS didn't go on playdates until he was a bit older.

I wear what I want on the school run. I wasn't interested in forcing friendships with the other mums, if it happens it happens but it has to be natural. As it happens I've got nothing in common with any of them really, I say hi and I'm friendly but that's it.

Will you be working in parallel?

If so you will be so consumed with trying to remember everything and just getting child to school with reading book and the right costume on the right day.

You really won't care about the stuff you've mentioned.

If not , you can get involved. Be the class rep, join PTA etc.

I haven't found the school run to be clique-like, but it's a huge school and I'm usually too busy trying to get my younger one to not walk like a character from Thunderbirds to care who's 'in the popular group'. It won't be me, it never is .

The school's Facebook page is Hun Central though. Lots of passive aggressive 'Is Jayden's parents on here?', but no fully public dramas (yet). Oh, there was a verbal/in you face fight between some parents one day.

I'm considering changing my son's school to be honest. Not because I want clique behaviour, but this one is too big and I don't see me ever catching a parent's name before the year ends!

I'm in same boat as you and was wondering similar about playdates,even more so with the past year having restricted all socialising.

In terms of clothing - drop offs for me will be en route to work so I'll be wearing the same causal clothes I usually wear to work

I'm a little worried other parents may be snobby because we have gone down the prep school route but going in with an open mind in hope I'll find some like minded people.

My biggest fear for DD is how she will handle to full day as only does 5 mornings at nursery and won't be doing any more because covid has meant permanent changes to the nursery setting

Astonishes me that anyone would even consider what to wear on the school run. It could not be a less important part of my day.

When my children started school it never crossed my mind that as a social venue it had anything to do with me whatsoever! I always thought the idea of a school run dress was a joke thing!

It's like saying what do you wear to go to the petrol station. What do you wear to the pharmacy. What do you wear to cast your vote in the local election. It's state mandated compulsory education for someone else that you're purely dropping off at and picking up.

Worried about how DD will cope doing whole days and how she will adapt to a new possibly overwhleming environment where she doesn't know anyone and there's lots of bigger kids.

Trust the school. They do this every year. Probably with 60 dc. Maybe more.

What do mums wear on the school run? I can't believe this is even a question. . Just like the rest of the population who aren't dropping a chid at school - it will depend where you are off to next - some people wear their work clothes (which will vary hugely dependingon their job) .... some wear what they are about to exercise in..... some just stick on their jeans or joggers or whatever they would normally wear if not going anywhere. What a bizarre question though, at any time, let alone 5 months before the child starts.

Is it true about "playground cliques" of mums? I've dropped mine off at one Nursery school, and two different Infant schools and one junior school - different age of dc - and Ive never, ever come across this concept except on MN.

What happens with playdates? Surely you dont just let your 4yr old go to the house of complete strangers?

I'm from an era where if someone invited your child round to play after school, or round for tea, you thanked them, exchanged phone numbers and found out their address and asked when they wanted you to pick them up. However, it didn't really happen much in Reception.

Wondering how it all works?! Seems to vary, depending on the school, from what I've read on MN.

• wear what you want. Don't get wound up by what others wear. If they look nice they're probably going to work
• cliques can happen but there's no need for anyone to be mates with anyone else simply because your kids are in the same class, so just stay out of it
• you stay at the house while they have a play date

I asked on MN for tips on kids starting school when my DD began reception. The thread will be gone now as it was in Chat but it was super helpful and I remember the advice being

• make sure they can wipe their bum on their own
• practice them getting dressed and undressed themselves as this will help when they do PE
• eat at the table like they would at school - carrying their own tray from the kitchen, sitting at the table until they've finished, etc
• above all: don't worry! They'll be fine

And if they come back saying "nobody played with me today" they're lying. Don't storm in after a month and demand to know why all the other kids are excluding the PFB, to be met by a baffled teacher who says she's super popular and kids tell porkies about their day to garner sympathy sometimes...definitely wasn't me who did that. No-siree

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I am really worried I've chosen the wrong school as all her friends from nursery are going to a different one. Is it too late to change it now?! It would be a much smoother transition if she already knew plenty of the other kids in her class, at this school she wont know anyone! If I had known this I would have factored it in when choosing a school but due to covid haven't been able to chat at the nursery gate with the other nursery mums.

Honestly OP, give it a few months and the nursery friends will be a distant memory!

@DrinkFeckArseBrick’s bullet points of advice are brilliant.

DD started school last September having had almost zero nursery experience (long story). I spent most of the summer focusing on practical stuff such as teaching her how to wipe her own bum, and deliberately playing games where she had to learn how to lose gracefully.

I was worried by the long days and the general overwhelm but she has LOVED it. Knew no one going in and is now friends with lots of kids.

Some of that depends on personality - I’ve learned this year just how gregarious DD actually is! If she were less sociable, I might have focused on different things in helping her to prepare for it.

There have been some park play dates and just this week we hosted a couple of garden ones. The parents are mostly there but there’s one little boy I host on his own cos he’s lovely and his parents are under a ton of work pressure.

Primary school has been a brilliant addition to our lives.

Excellent posts by JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows