Aibu re dh, dd, smoking!

[Whatanearth]

So found out last night my 16yr old dd (nearly 17) is smoking roll ups regularly. As in proper addicted and has been for months. I knew some of her mates did and that she occasionally had a joint but thought she was more sensible. Previously to this, a few years back she confided in me she had started smoking then and realised she was getting addicted so asked for help and begged me not to be mad. I wasn't and supported her and bought nicotine patches. She suffered but stopped.
Yesterday me and dh were talking about it and he slipped up and tried to correct what he said but he's a rubbish lier. He admitted she's been smoking a while and it costs her about £15 per week. When asking how he knew so much detail it turns out he's been buying them for her! I am hurt and angry. He's even lent her money to do so as her part time job doesn't always cover what she needs. Apparently I don't understand what it's like because I've never smoked and of course he did for years at that age until late twenties. Ended up stopping mainly because of me hating it I suppose.
I've not let on to dd I know as I think she'll smoke even more if she knows I know as there will be no need for her to hide it from me. I hate the thought of her spending so much money, the health aspects and the likelihood of her carrying on for many more years and even permanently. Am I unreasonable to feel that way? And dh in my opinion has made it so much worse, enabling her and lying to me. Would it be safer if she vaped instead? I know nothing about this either.

I smoked between the ages of 14 and about 24ish, it’s a nightmare habit to stop. Vaping - to my knowledge - is better for you and of course doesn’t give you that grim smoke smell and yellow fingers, but it’s tough to force this on someone!

Unless your DD wants to quit then it’s really hard to stop, but your DH absolutely shouldn’t be finding/encouraging it - especially as an ex smoker!

I would not forgive him for that.

What if she never manages to quit? What if she gets COPD/cancer? And yes that's extreme but I lost a parent to that very young.

I also loathe vaping, but that's just me.

Jesus Christ what a shit parent! Being addicted to smoking is indeed shite but the answer isn’t to just smoke more! The main reason I managed to quit was being priced out. Can’t believe he’s acting like he’s doing her a favour.

I'd be mad at your husband for enabling her. Yes vaping in the uk is much less harmful for you- studies show up to 95pc less harmful. The nicotine addiction is still there but the other nasties aren't, or are there in much lower quantities. Public Health England and the NHS and ASH have lots of info on it.

Putting you DH aside are you really sure she is "addicted".

I smoked from about 15 to 30, but I would have one or two during the day, and then if I went out on Friday or Saturday night, I would have about 40!

To be honest it really wasn't that hard to give up, I realise now the smoking was more to do with the "scene" I was in, when I stopped going out so regularly and started being more of an adult in other parts of my life (sad you have to wait until 30 to be an adult) it was easy to quit.

I’m not impressed with your DH buying them for her but on the other hand your DD is addicted now. My mum did a lot of “I’m not telling your brother I know he smokes as he will do it more” and what happened is my brother found every excuse not to be at home ever, never came for full days out or on holiday at all. Because he was addicted and he wanted to smoke and therefore would avoid situations where he couldn’t. It was very much a secret habit for him and still is, for the last 18 months he has pretended he isn’t smoking, and we’ve barely seen him. He’s 38.

I on the other hand fronted immediately to my parents at 17 when I realised I wanted to smoke at home (in garden) and was open with them when quit attempts failed. I was allowed to smoke in the garden down the side and it didn’t affect our relationship. And I’ve quit now for 10 years.

In your shoes I would say you’d rather she be honest and preserve the closeness of your relationship. And let her have ciggies in the garden somewhere. Be open that you love and accept her and although you hate the smoking you’d rather have her smoking near you than avoiding you. Self loathing is a problem when you smoke and it doesn’t motivate anyone to quit, only to smoke more. Having a loving supportive family is much more conducive to quitting eventually.

But stop the money. She can earn it if she wants to smoke.

I wouldn't be enabling it but the health risks are widely known and she's still made the choice to start.

that's appalling, I can't express how angry I would be about this
Nicotine is so addictive and tobacco is so harmful.
You'll just have to help her give up again like you did before.

I would be encouraging her to access NRT and other support to quit. Enabling her at this age will mean the habit is entrenched later. It is much harder to quit smoking later on if you started young and so have never adulted without it. If she wants to spend her own money that's her own prerogative, but when she runs out of money she'll need to use the NRT. It is good for her to understand that it is expensive, and antisocial/ not accepted by her family. For some people those financial and social pressures are enough for them to quit smoking before they get any of the negative health consequences, and that is the ideal situation. I say that as an ex smoker who started as a teenager, and could only quit due to pregnancy. I wish people had no enabled me so much. It was a different time though, I used to get an "allowance" for food and cigarettes at my first job, one job I got a Friday bonus of 200 cigarettes (in hospitality/night clubs).

@tttigress

Putting you DH aside are you really sure she is "addicted".

I smoked from about 15 to 30, but I would have one or two during the day, and then if I went out on Friday or Saturday night, I would have about 40!

To be honest it really wasn't that hard to give up, I realise now the smoking was more to do with the "scene" I was in, when I stopped going out so regularly and started being more of an adult in other parts of my life (sad you have to wait until 30 to be an adult) it was easy to quit.

I was exactly like this as were many of my friends - in our teens and uni days we would smoke about two cigs a day except on nights out where it’d be more. I understand your disappointment but it may indeed just be a teen thing - we all found it relatively easy to pack in because we’d smoked like this. For this reason I 100% agree you shouldn’t let on to her that you know because if you do then she’ll have no qualms smoking more in the day because she won’t have to think of excuses to nip out for a cigarette. Right now, her ability to smoke is hindered because she has to hide it from you and tbh I think that’s a good thing.

I would be absolutely furious with your DH though. Whilst I don’t necessarily have a problem with young people smoking cigarettes, there’s no way it should be provided and funded by a parent.

I would be really cross with my DH if he did this!

I don't know how many she smokes but know it's roll ups. She wakes up with a bit of a cough and like others have said, never wants to come out for longer periods with us. I assumed it was just her age! I'm wondering whether the best thing to do is for dh to suggest he will get her a vape and do that as an alternative and she pays for refills. Are they not harmful?

Stop paying for them! She will soon reevaluate when every packet costs her an hour's work.

It's not me who is paying for them!

My mum is now on her second smoking-related cancer. She had life-changing surgery 5 years ago, and it looks like this one is in a different part of her body, and considered to be incurable (lungs). She started as a teenager and we worked out that (at today's prices) what she spent on smoking could have bought my house outright. For cash.

Your dd already has 'the cough'. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me with my dh. How can he support - AND ACTIVELY ENCOURAGE - this filthy/expensive/incredibly harmful addiction?

Your dh is bang out of order. I would be absolutely furious with the pair of them. No 16 year old needs tobacco being purchased for them.

I actually can’t believe that an ex-smoker who knows how hard it is to quit as been encouraging this. I quit smoking 9 years ago and I am still on Nicorette gum. If I found out either of my children smoked the last thing I would be doing is buying them for them!!

What possible excuse reason has your DH given?

This would actually be a deal-breaker for me.

He hasn't given an excuse as such but just says he understands what she's going through and all her mates smoking. And I will never understand what it's like as I've never ever smoked.

Your dh is an awful parent.

Your young dd smokes pot and ordinary cigarettes and he is funding it. I would honestly be going ballistic

@Motnight why do you think the DD smokes pot?

[quote GraduallyWatermelon]@Motnight why do you think the DD smokes pot?[/quote]
Op says so in her opening post

Vaping isn’t safe and has been associated with sudden deaths. At least with conventional smoking she might have time to make up for her bad teenage choices.

@Motnight where? She says her DD used to occasionally have a joint. Can't see anything suggesting she still does this.

[quote GraduallyWatermelon]@Motnight where? She says her DD used to occasionally have a joint. Can't see anything suggesting she still does this.[/quote]
To be fair we don't know whether the dd still smokes joints or not. But I take your point!