Aibu re dh, dd, smoking!

[Whatanearth]

So found out last night my 16yr old dd (nearly 17) is smoking roll ups regularly. As in proper addicted and has been for months. I knew some of her mates did and that she occasionally had a joint but thought she was more sensible. Previously to this, a few years back she confided in me she had started smoking then and realised she was getting addicted so asked for help and begged me not to be mad. I wasn't and supported her and bought nicotine patches. She suffered but stopped.
Yesterday me and dh were talking about it and he slipped up and tried to correct what he said but he's a rubbish lier. He admitted she's been smoking a while and it costs her about £15 per week. When asking how he knew so much detail it turns out he's been buying them for her! I am hurt and angry. He's even lent her money to do so as her part time job doesn't always cover what she needs. Apparently I don't understand what it's like because I've never smoked and of course he did for years at that age until late twenties. Ended up stopping mainly because of me hating it I suppose.
I've not let on to dd I know as I think she'll smoke even more if she knows I know as there will be no need for her to hide it from me. I hate the thought of her spending so much money, the health aspects and the likelihood of her carrying on for many more years and even permanently. Am I unreasonable to feel that way? And dh in my opinion has made it so much worse, enabling her and lying to me. Would it be safer if she vaped instead? I know nothing about this either.

@Whatanearth

We've talked earlier and I told him how upset I am about it all. He says she's definitely properly addicted and he's already advised stopping or vaping but she point blank refuses. In his opinion she's going to do it anyway so might as well help her out! Apparently she used to vape but it's not enough. Dd still doesn't know I know. Not really sure where to go from here really.

There’s nothing you can do, she’s an adult. You set rules about not smoking in the house, you make her earn enough to pay for her habit, and you tell her that you are there to help when she wants to stop. She needs to be aware of what else she may become addicted to, as smoking is often a starting point.

I thought the same as pp. The law changed ages ago. It used to be from 16 but now it's 18. I'm assuming he's breaking the law if he's buying tobacco for his underage child?

Teen years are difficult.

Could it be that DH is trying to bond with his daughter and this is the only way he knows? “She needs me therefore she loves me and thinks I’m a cool dad for letting her smoke. She tells me as much. I like being cool and I bet her friends think I’m a cool dad too”.

As for how he understands her addiction, it can’t be that hard to stop after a year of smoking compared to twenty years of smoking. He’s comparing his problems with hers. And because he can’t give up he wants her to not give up too because it makes his position somehow not his fault because even she can’t give up etc etc. It suits his narrative for her to be addicted/needing him.

He’s the real problem here. She’s just a child. Legally and mentally.

@mrsbitaly

£15 in the grand scheme of things is not alot for a smoker a week. On the other hand she has to understand if she wants to continue smoking she has to pay for the habit not you or your DH.

£60 month is a fair bit of money to a lot of people!

@DinosaurDiana Since when is 16 an adult?

I'm aware she can marry (with permission) but there's bugger-all else she can do on her own

[quote Nanny0gg]@DinosaurDiana Since when is 16 an adult?

I'm aware she can marry (with permission) but there's bugger-all else she can do on her own[/quote]
She can leave home, have a baby, get a job, consent for her own treatment, she can drive soon. There’s an awful lot she can do.

Your husband is a total idiot and a shit parent.