Aibu re dh, dd, smoking!

[Whatanearth]

So found out last night my 16yr old dd (nearly 17) is smoking roll ups regularly. As in proper addicted and has been for months. I knew some of her mates did and that she occasionally had a joint but thought she was more sensible. Previously to this, a few years back she confided in me she had started smoking then and realised she was getting addicted so asked for help and begged me not to be mad. I wasn't and supported her and bought nicotine patches. She suffered but stopped.
Yesterday me and dh were talking about it and he slipped up and tried to correct what he said but he's a rubbish lier. He admitted she's been smoking a while and it costs her about £15 per week. When asking how he knew so much detail it turns out he's been buying them for her! I am hurt and angry. He's even lent her money to do so as her part time job doesn't always cover what she needs. Apparently I don't understand what it's like because I've never smoked and of course he did for years at that age until late twenties. Ended up stopping mainly because of me hating it I suppose.
I've not let on to dd I know as I think she'll smoke even more if she knows I know as there will be no need for her to hide it from me. I hate the thought of her spending so much money, the health aspects and the likelihood of her carrying on for many more years and even permanently. Am I unreasonable to feel that way? And dh in my opinion has made it so much worse, enabling her and lying to me. Would it be safer if she vaped instead? I know nothing about this either.

Sounds to me like your DH could resent that he ultimately stopped smoking because you didn't like it, rather than because he wanted to. I say this because I've been in the position of stopping at the demand of someone else (in my case though it wasn't out of concern for my health, it was just another way to control and belittle me).

That said, assisting your young DD to smoke is a very odd way to go about getting back at you and I'd be having serious words.

I'd question if she's actually 'addicted' if she's smoking £15 a weeks worth and has been smoking a relatively short time. As a presumably cool teenage girl (and from my own experience as a teenage/adult smoker) I'd try the route of it making her hair/clothes/breath smell before the 'it might make you ill at some distant time in the future that you can't currently grasp'. The latter would never have worked on me at all.

£15 suggests a 30g pouch (depending on brand). 30g gets you around 60 roll ups, which works out to around 8 roll ups a day. It's clearly not a 1 or 2 a day type thing.

I think your DH funding it, and also keeping it secret from you, is unforgivable. I say this as a smoker. He is enabling her addiction.

That's absolutely horrific that he's funded his teenage daughter's smoking habit! Why are you with such a scumbag?

Get your DD the help she needs, sounds like she's in with a bad crowd if she's also using drugs

This is why I am really pissed at the EU for banned 12.5g packs of backy.

Apparently its to stop young smoking, but I think they have failed to understand that you dont get addicted by smoking cigarettes. You get addicted by having a constant supply of cigarettes available.

Now its 30g pack I would be concerned. Thats a lot of roll ups. About 60 if she is smoking extra slims and its hard to quit at that level.

Tbh I think shes been smoking for quite a while longer. No one gets properly addicted in a matter of months. I would say its been a couple of years if she is up to 30g a week.

Yes, she would be better vaping
I started smoking age 12 and quickly got addicted. Ended up with a 30 a day habit and finally quit age 32 with an e cig

I know quite a few people who have given up vaping after giving up cigarettes, but gone back to cigarettes again.they all said that vaping gave them sore throats,and felt a bit ill after using them. I depends what kind of vapes you have, as some people make their own concoctions to put in them..

@Whatanearth

He hasn't given an excuse as such but just says he understands what she's going through and all her mates smoking. And I will never understand what it's like as I've never ever smoked.

Any idea what you're going to do about it?

We've talked earlier and I told him how upset I am about it all. He says she's definitely properly addicted and he's already advised stopping or vaping but she point blank refuses. In his opinion she's going to do it anyway so might as well help her out! Apparently she used to vape but it's not enough. Dd still doesn't know I know. Not really sure where to go from here really.

He thinks you need to help her out by fuelling and funding the addiction?

The man's a complete fool!

Tell him he can deal with any hospital appts for bronchitis or worse.

Sorry, that absolutely would be it for me. I wouldn't be able to look at him

It's not so much her smoking, it's DH enabling it. Is it their secret? My husband used to smoke, and used to love it if other people did as it gave him an excuse to join in.

Why are people saying vaping is better.... it’s actually just as bad. When I lived in LA everyone was using e-cigarettes 10 years ago and it can cause popcorn lung.

If m partner was supporting my child in a dangerous life threatening habit and lying to me about it then I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances there is. Your daughter doesn't have a fully formed frontal cortex - she cannot fully evaluate risks and consequences. Your DH can and is he is choosing to support her in a habit that is dangerous to her longterm health and well-being.

How do you expect her to make good decisions and value herself when you're supporting poor choices and funding her to kill herself ?

If she wants to smoke and won't vape etc then she needs to fund it herself. A 30g pouch is around £15 so she's properly smoking if she's on them

The dad is buying cigs for the 16 year old daughter? Surely it's illegal to supply a 16 year old with fags?

@MorganKitten popcorn lung has been debunked
Cigarettes contain more of the "popcorn lung ingredient" than e cigs do
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/vaping-causes-popcorn-lung/

If vaping isn't enough she can try a higher nicotine level

@ImInStealthMode

Sounds to me like your DH could resent that he ultimately stopped smoking because you didn't like it, rather than because he wanted to. I say this because I've been in the position of stopping at the demand of someone else (in my case though it wasn't out of concern for my health, it was just another way to control and belittle me).

That said, assisting your young DD to smoke is a very odd way to go about getting back at you and I'd be having serious words.

I'd question if she's actually 'addicted' if she's smoking £15 a weeks worth and has been smoking a relatively short time. As a presumably cool teenage girl (and from my own experience as a teenage/adult smoker) I'd try the route of it making her hair/clothes/breath smell before the 'it might make you ill at some distant time in the future that you can't currently grasp'. The latter would never have worked on me at all.

Agree with this, I remember being mortified in my late teens when I was about to kiss a boy and he said ‘you stink of fags’! Went straight over my head when people used to tell me how bad it was for you but knowing that I smelt awful really put me off.

Your DH is an ass. Is it even legal to smoke at her age?

If he wants to help he can gradually reduce the amount of baccy he provides her with. Instead of money he lets her roll them herself from the pouch. Then he gives her 8 a day all week. Then allocates her 7 a day for a week then a week later it’s 6 a day etc. Then 5 etc until over 8 weeks she’s weaned off. With patches or gum if required.

Is there a co2 monitor or something you can buy to check someone’s breath to see if they’ve been smoking or anything that could give her a fright? And an incentive to not smoke as you will find out if she does?

I lost a parent to lung cancer. 20 years after he quit 20 a day that he’d smoked for many years. If there was a way she could only see the damage she was doing it would help so much but I’m not sure there is any technology that could help.

[quote QueenPaw]@MorganKitten popcorn lung has been debunked
Cigarettes contain more of the "popcorn lung ingredient" than e cigs do
[[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/vaping-causes-popcorn-lung/]]

If vaping isn't enough she can try a higher nicotine level[/quote]
I’ll tell my friend she doesn’t have it then and that her doctor is wrong, I’m sure that she’ll be thrilled to know something she’s had 5 years isn’t real.

@MorganKitten the ingredient was banned in 2016 under TPD so it wouldn't apply to the OPs DD anyway.
Tobacco has over 100 times more diacetyl than e cigs and even that isn't a high enough level to cause popcorn lung
https://publichealthmatters.blog.gov.uk/2018/02/20/clearing-up-some-myths-around-e-cigarettes/

And no confirmed cases in anyone who uses e cigarettes
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/causes-of-cancer/does-vaping-cause-popcorn-lung

£15 in the grand scheme of things is not alot for a smoker a week. On the other hand she has to understand if she wants to continue smoking she has to pay for the habit not you or your DH.

@Jumpers268

£15 suggests a 30g pouch (depending on brand). 30g gets you around 60 roll ups, which works out to around 8 roll ups a day. It's clearly not a 1 or 2 a day type thing.

I think your DH funding it, and also keeping it secret from you, is unforgivable. I say this as a smoker. He is enabling her addiction.

I agree.

Speaking as a smoker, if she can't afford it then tough shit she's goes without. Can't believe he's been subsidising her smoking and buying it on her behalf.

[quote QueenPaw]@MorganKitten the ingredient was banned in 2016 under TPD so it wouldn't apply to the OPs DD anyway.
Tobacco has over 100 times more diacetyl than e cigs and even that isn't a high enough level to cause popcorn lung
[[https://publichealthmatters.blog.gov.uk/2018/02/20/clearing-up-some-myths-around-e-cigarettes/]][/quote]
She’s never smoked real Cigarettes, just e-cigarettes and vaped. So clearly there are cases.

Many vape liquids and e-cigarettes still contain diacetyl

www.healthline.com/health/smoking/popcorn-lung-vaping#popcorn-lung

www.healthline.com/health-news/lung-vaping-disease-now-called-evali

theconversation.com/popcorn-lung-teen-first-case-of-life-threatening-vaping-injury-127491

www.vapedanger.com/health-risks/toxic-chemicals/diacetyl/

He is a terrible parent. Before I got to that part I was going to suggest you cut off her access to money. That he is funding her habit is insane.

If she has fallen in with a crowd that is smoking I would be re-evaluating everything in her life. Smoking is extremely anti-social behavior at this point and picking it up generally means something else is going on.