Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Sad I'll have to share the time

64 replies

mlkjhutygft · 02/04/2021 21:24

I've name changed so this isn't linked.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I of course will put my own sadness and feelings aside and do the fair thing.

I've separated from my partner tonight. Nothing bad has happened just so many things have taken their toll.

My baby is 18 months old and I'm just so sad I'll lose him for 50% of the time. It fills me with dread and tbh I'm devastated. I'm still BF and I've never left him overnight before. The thought of not seeing him half of the week tears me up inside. He still wakes in the night for milk and the thought of him crying for me in the night is awful. Due to breastfeeding it's me that does all the care in the night.

His dad is great and I know they deserve an equal relationship. He loves his dad and I know they'll find a way that works but the transition is going to be hard on me and the baby and I feel so fucking shit it's come to this.

That's all really. I just really needed to write this down. I'm going to have to put my big girl pants on and deal with this but I just wanted to rant and say I'm so fucking sad.

OP posts:

Zarinea · 02/04/2021 21:29

I'm sorry, that must be crap. It sounds like you're both being grown ups which I'm sure will make things better, but right now it must suck.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 02/04/2021 21:29

That's so sad. It's this unavoidable? Can you tell us what prompted the split?

MonkeyPuddle · 02/04/2021 21:33

Ah my love. It’s so hard. I split with DS’s dad when he was 5 months old. He has him overnight once a week, more if he’s on annual leave.
You will find your feet, it will be hard. The first few times he was away from me I just went to bed and cried. Didn’t know what to do with myself. But it’s gets easier, you get stronger.

pinksquash13 · 02/04/2021 21:33

Ahh that's really sad. Surely no one would separate nightfeeding baby and mother. Would you partner be understanding of no over nights until you've night weaned? I think if you're the primary care giver it shouldn't be 50/50 yet while babe is so little.

speakout · 02/04/2021 21:34

If you are breastfeeding you will have rights.
Contact the ukbreastfeeding.org/category/breastfeeding-alliance/

They will give you legal advice.
No judge will force you to be apart from your breastfeeding infant.

Wishitsnows · 02/04/2021 21:37

Gosh sounds so heartbreaking. Is 5050 really the best for your son at such an early age?

Hont1986 · 02/04/2021 21:38

Well, while the baby is breastfeeding it won't be a 50/50 split just yet. But yes, eventually.

mlkjhutgft · 02/04/2021 21:40

My partner, or ex I should say, feels quite strongly about 50/50. I've broached the subject of delaying overnights until he's bigger and it didn't go down well. I am breastfeeding still but the baby is 18 months and not an infant anymore.
I don't know if it's wise to go to court, even if i get my own way I don't want my child to look back when they are older and wonder why I took their dad to court.

I think it is unavoidable. The relationship has broken down. I've had a tough year and we've tried to make it work but so much has taken a toll and things are really in the gutter.

I don't know what to do for the best. I'm just laying in bed sobbing. I wish I could give my baby the family life I'd hoped for.

speakout · 02/04/2021 21:41

Surely no one would separate nightfeeding baby and mother
No they won't and there is good precedent. It wouldn;t even have to go to court.
The rights of breastfeeding infants are pretty solid in the UK.
Overnight stay with the father in such circumstances would not be deemed in the best interests of the child.
OP phone up a family lawyer, or the link, this is not an unusual circumstance.
Don't worry OP, this will not be forced.

mlkjhutgft · 02/04/2021 21:43

I can't stop it though can I? My partner has PR and is on the birth certificate. If he wants to keep him overnight he can and I can't stop him. I'd rather we planned it than things got bitter and he just kept him from me.

My partner has never been particularly supportive of the breastfeeding and I can't see that changing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2021 21:45

Of course YANBU. While you’re bf he needs to be with you overnight. You shouldn’t stop until you’re both ready. They can have a meaningful relationship which doesn’t involve overnight contact until your son is older and ready.

Where’s the 50/50 coming from? I wouldn’t agree with that at all.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 02/04/2021 21:47

Your name change has gone a bit wrong so people might miss your next posts if they look for coloured posts/use the “see all from OP” posts.

I’m sorry, I have no advice though. I’d second potentially talking to a solicitor?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2021 21:47

You’ve had a name change fail OP. You need to go to mediation and agree a contact arrangement. If you can’t agree you go to court, where you can have a lawyer or you can self represent for about £200. At the moment with no agreement you’re right he could just keep him overnights so that’s why you need it to be official ASAP.

Original poster

mlkjhutygft · 02/04/2021 21:55

Hopefully this resolves my name change fail. I wasn't planning on coming back to the thread but it's better than being sad on my own.

I think it is unavoidable. The relationship has broken down. I've had a tough year and we've tried to make it work but so much has taken a toll and things are really in the gutter.

I don't know what to do for the best. I'm just laying in bed sobbing. I wish I could give my baby the family life I'd hoped for.

My partner has never been particularly supportive of the breastfeeding and I can't see that changing.

Maybe I do need to think about an arrangement but I don't want a battle. I just want to try and do best for my child.

If I was to do mediation would this be an official thing?

I'll be ok on my own. I work full time, have a good career and a modest / average income. Of course it'll be hard to set up shop on my own but I'm not in a bad position. It really is just all about the baby.

Of course I'm sad my relationship has ended but I just can't focus on anything but the contact right now.

OP posts:

HamFisted · 02/04/2021 21:58

Arrangements like this are not in the best interest of the child when they're so young and can cause attachment issues that can be life-long.

Too many parents want what is 'fair' for them and don't give a flying fig what's fair for the kids.

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 22:01

I'm so sorry. I think your baby is too young at the moment to be separated from you for any length of time. For the time being, let your ex partner take him for shorter periods or spend time with him at your house.

picklemewalnuts · 02/04/2021 22:05

Take a breath, step back. Don't make it a me v him thing. You both want what's best for your D.C.

Tell him that you believe that what's right for dc is the most important thing and you'll always want him to have a full relationship with him, and that has to be according to the baby's needs.

That at the moment he's breastfeeding, but that at some point in the next year or so he'll naturally wean.
That he needs to build up to having two homes, rather than jump into it straight away in one go.

That it would be best if he visits his dad frequently and regularly for full days, before being ready to do overnights. That maybe you could stay with him for his first few nights away.

Reassure him that you want 50:50 for the baby, but to build it gradually.

What level of responsibility does he take now? Is he fully involved? Does he do bath times, solids, night wakes, bedtimes?

ginswinger · 02/04/2021 22:06

Mediation may be beneficial for your partner to help him see that 50/50 for a child of this age is not necessarily in the child's best interests. Toddlers tend to be slowly transferred from night waking looking for milk, to self soothing. It takes time to break this habit and a good parent would appreciate that. Mediation will give you the chance to explain that to your ex and plot a path for the break up with the child's best interests at the heart of it. If he refuses waiver from 50/50 contact straight away then court is the next step where the wishes of both parents can be heard and the judge will decide. He should be aware that he would be unlikely to get many overnights at this stage so negotiating them at mediation would be more beneficial to him. Court is a last resort but would be necessary to protect your child's best interests if needed.

A good negotiated settlement through mediation is a sensible idea as time changes. There will need to be give and take, and working a relationship as co parents for times of need. I wish you well

Rtmhwales · 02/04/2021 22:12

If it helps, my own family, my sister and her DC, and my best friend have all gone through this with a 50/50 split with one or more DC under 2.5y and it's gone well for all three of us. It really depends on what your DS is like on whether it's in his best interests or not and how you want to address that. Coming out on the other side of it the relationships between the DC and both parents is nice and strong, all the children seem well adjusted and it meant the fathers stepped up and equally parented rather than leaving the moms to do all the childcare and expense of child rearing while their careers suffered. So while not as ideal as staying together it can work out. I think it's helped keep the resentment down between the former partners too. But the caveat here I suppose is none of the small children were clingy to mum and the dads had been very involved in their rearing to begin with.

Again it will really come down to what you, your STBXH and your DS need and what you all can provide. It doesn't necessarily need to be 50/50 but maybe you can brainstorm what works best for you.

Youseethethingis · 02/04/2021 22:16

If he’s a great Dad he won’t want his baby sobbing for you to feed in the middle of the night.
That’s all there is to it really. Either he really is a great dad or he’s just another twat who is only thinking about his own rights and not his child’s.

Love51 · 02/04/2021 22:17

Have you both been caring for the child 50:50 so far? Surely the guiding principle should be security and maintaining the status quo of the child, not dividing up time like a holiday home!

Megan2018 · 02/04/2021 22:21

There’s no way I’d allow 50/50 with my DD yet. She’s still BF too. I’m ok leaving her for up to 12hrs by day as she is used to nursery, but not overnight yet.
You need legal advice but no solicitor will push for this, you likely won’t need the court.
Things are rocky with my DH at the moment, but even in his arsehole moments he wouldn’t do anything to upset DD.
You need to stand up for you both on this.

50/50 will come, possibly. But not yet.

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 22:22

You need to ease into this, build it up. If the child breastfeeds to sleep, then he can’t do overnights and I’d be asking him to go to court for contact if he tries to wean him off you immediately.

AgathaAllAlong · 02/04/2021 22:23

Your ex is mental if he thinks that overnight stay is the way to cement his bond. Baby will be devastated at night and will associate staying with dad and not getting the milk feeds. You need to stop when you both want to, and baby needs to stay with you until that happens. Dad needs to think about what's actually best for the baby. They do not need overnight to have a strong bond right now, just as your ex partner doesn't feel that doing night care is essential for a strong bond. They have a lifetime ahead of them to enjoy their half week. Right now, baby should be with the parent who can best meet their needs at night: you.

Subordinateclause · 02/04/2021 22:28

I remember reading on here about a woman involved in a custody battle who was challenged about why her toddler still needed to be breastfed. She referred to the WHO recommendation that infants should ideally be breastfed to 'age 2 and beyond' and that was the end of it, they couldn't argue with that.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread