Sad I'll have to share the time

[mlkjhutygft]

I've name changed so this isn't linked.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I of course will put my own sadness and feelings aside and do the fair thing.

I've separated from my partner tonight. Nothing bad has happened just so many things have taken their toll.

My baby is 18 months old and I'm just so sad I'll lose him for 50% of the time. It fills me with dread and tbh I'm devastated. I'm still BF and I've never left him overnight before. The thought of not seeing him half of the week tears me up inside. He still wakes in the night for milk and the thought of him crying for me in the night is awful. Due to breastfeeding it's me that does all the care in the night.

His dad is great and I know they deserve an equal relationship. He loves his dad and I know they'll find a way that works but the transition is going to be hard on me and the baby and I feel so fucking shit it's come to this.

That's all really. I just really needed to write this down. I'm going to have to put my big girl pants on and deal with this but I just wanted to rant and say I'm so fucking sad.

Thank god this starting point of 50/50 wasn't the norm when I split up with my ex

It's not in a child's best interests all the time so could you explore this with your ex?

You’re getting lots of sensible advice here. Just giving in isn’t in your baby’s best interests. You can’t prioritise your wish to avoid a battle over what’s best for your child. Instead of despairing you need to do some research, contact a lawyer who deals with family law and make a plan.

You dont have to do 50/50 whether he is pissed off with that or not.
50/50 is not always in the best interest of the child

I’m wondering what the working situation is here? Are you a SAHM or do you work? Does he work? Would he be able to have your DC 50% of the week while he is working?

50:50 is not the norm for a child that age, OP and it's certainly not a given a court would award that even if you weren't breastfeeding. Don't feel pressured into agreeing to something you're not comfortable with. It's more difficult to reduce contact that increase it once a precedent has been set.

I don't believe 50:50 is even a good solution for children. It might be right in some circumstances but imo it's unsettling and disruptive for children in the majority of cases. Every other weekend and a night during the week is still a very common setup, but for younger children it's not uncommon to have less than that.

What are your partners work commitments, can he realistically do a 50/50 split ?
It’s rare for children so young to have a 50/50 split.
I’d consult a solicitor or suggest mediation to sort some sort of mutua” agreement. Maybe suggesting less until he’s a little older.

Honestly I would look at this as a chance to have a break from the childcare duties (and chances are if the dad thinks you’re enjoying your time off he’ll want to reduce contact time).
But I would be concerned if the baby is fully breastfed it is nit even just about the milk it is about the body contact which makes them feel safe and fall to sleep - they aren’t going to be able to sleep/settle if this is their normal routine.

This is largely why I stay with my DH despite hating him a lot of the time. I don’t want to give up my son.

I don't know if it's wise to go to court, even if i get my own way I don't want my child to look back when they are older and wonder why I took their dad to court
Why would they know they you took their dad to court.
Surely the answer is because I was feeding you at night and you were reliant on me. I didn't stop dad seeing you but I wanted to leave the overnights a little longer until you weren't so tiny.

As others have said, it doesn't matter if he is passed off it us you that is doing the feeds.

I don't agree that 50/50 is ever on the best interests of a child, it's all about the parents.

Very sorry to hear this OP, however I believe that until you finish breastfeeding no court would order the baby to be separated from you for any length of time.

I would make a solicitor’s appointment and find out where you stand legally. Your partner needs to understand that the baby comes first, so what he wants may not always be possible - 50/50 involves a fair degree of co-operation and, especially with primary and pre-school aged children it isn’t always possible or suitable. You will hopefully resolve it yourselves, or via mediation, or if neither of those work then court. But you need the solicitors appointment to know what the framework is - and you can discuss money with them at the same time. No need to mention this to your partner - you need to get your facts straight first.

If your ex is reasonable he will be able to see that the staying with you at night is best for his child at the moment, plenty of years for overnights with him when they are settled into a routine where they are not breastfed.

I know how hard it is, my ex never did any of the night duties with my boy, and he used to wake up a lot, we split just before he was 3 (not breastfed at that point) I look back and wonder how he managed as we have had a 3/4 night split since then (many years ago now).

Hope it works out for you and your ex isn’t a dick about it all x

I have read all the responses. ExP being a total dick today so I'll speak to a solicitor on Tuesday. Thank you for all the advice. To be honest I didn't think I'd have so much say so I hope this is the case.

I've left the house this morning and will stay elsewhere with the baby for the weekend to give him some space and let the dust settle.

I'm not a SAHM I work full time - we work the same hours as we work for the same company but he earns more as he is a manager.

He does not do 50% of the childcare at the moment. He plays with the baby and does dinner and bath time sometimes but I do all of the childcare and run the house. I've only recently returned to work as I took a my full 15 month entitlement of maternity and all my annual leave.

I do all of the nap times and bedtimes and he has never done a night waking since the day baby was born. I EBF and I took the maternity leave so I literally did everything. I guess this is in my favour if we end up at court. Baby was poorly when little and I stayed in NICU with him, I stayed on the ward with him, I stayed on the ward to the hospital we transferred to, I do all his medical appointments. I never once had a break because I was BF. This will all be documented by the hospital I presume so if it goes to court I can evidence that I'm absolutely this child's primary career and always have been.

I've never left the baby with anyone except his dad for a few hours and my mum looks after him whilst I work.

Unfortunately due to finances I can't stay in the house as I could never afford to run. Even with maintenance on my salary. I earn enough to have a decent place to myself for me and The baby and I could stay with family whilst I sorted it out, but it will be us that leaves.

Carer*

God I sound like a bitch. I want the baby to have a relationship with his dad and I absolutely want them to have contact during the day. I'll look to change jobs and then I'll work different ours and he can spend days off with his dad and me. He'll probably then see more of us both.

I absolutely think he needs his dad and they do have fun together. He just needs me to be his constant.

I absolutely don't want to give anyone the impression that I don't value what his dad can offer. I know his dad loves him very much but we have very different parenting styles which is coming to a head now we are separating but it has always been an issue, hence one of the many reasons things haven't worked out.

You don't sound like a bitch. Not at all. In fact, you are in danger of sounding like a pushover.
He's not pulling his weight in any way. He sounds as though he wants DS overnight in order to control the baby and you. I know I'm reading between the lines, but that's what his inflexibility suggests.

@picklemewalnuts

You don't sound like a bitch. Not at all. In fact, you are in danger of sounding like a pushover. He's not pulling his weight in any way. He sounds as though he wants DS overnight in order to control the baby and you. I know I'm reading between the lines, but that's what his inflexibility suggests.

Indeed. Don't martyr yourself because you're terrified of not seeming nice.

If he's such a great dad then he won't want to separate his baby from you while you're still breastfeeding. Is he really so wonderful? You say he's being a dick today and you seem very concerned about coming over "like a bitch". And he doesn't do 50% now.

Put aside your worry about being a bad person or being seen as one. Be cold and honest. Does he want 50:50, despite the breastfeeding, because he feels as you do about separation half the time or because he wants control and to avoid paying maintenance?

Be prepared for him to be more of a dick than you ever thought it would be possible, seams to happen in break ups for some reason, especially when it comes down to child maintenance. There’s loads of us here that have been through it to support you.

He probably won't pay any maintenance. He's always been difficult with finances. I'm certain he will provide things and save for the baby in his own way rather than pay me. He is quite controlling but he's very clever with it all. It's best not to rub him up the wrong way. If he thinks he's getting his own way it'll go better.

Sounds very much like my ex - wishing you all the luck and strength you need.

@mlkjhutygft

He probably won't pay any maintenance. He's always been difficult with finances. I'm certain he will provide things and save for the baby in his own way rather than pay me. He is quite controlling but he's very clever with it all. It's best not to rub him up the wrong way. If he thinks he's getting his own way it'll go better.

So not such a great dad after all, then. Quelle surprise.

You're dealing with a prick, so act accordingly. Stop worrying about whether you're being a bitch; he's not remotely worried about being an arsehole and if your motivation is to come over as a nice person, you won't be acting in your child's interests and there's no moral high ground in that, nor anything else for you or the baby.

It will not go better for him to get his own way; that's you trying to find ways not to fight. Understandable - he's a prick, after all - but not the approach that's going to get the best outcome for your CHILD.

I don't know exactly what you should do - more knowledgeable people on here can say - but I do know you need to stop worrying about being horrible or annoying him (with your safety in mind, of course - do not endanger yourself and contact police if you think he could be dangerous) or what he thinks and be driven solely by what is best for the child, and safe for you both.

@mlkjhutgft

I can't stop it though can I? My partner has PR and is on the birth certificate. If he wants to keep him overnight he can and I can't stop him. I'd rather we planned it than things got bitter and he just kept him from me.

My partner has never been particularly supportive of the breastfeeding and I can't see that changing.

Of course you can object. He would have to take you to court if he didn’t agree to contact arrangements. I know it sounds bitter but most fathers( not all) want their children 50/50 so they don’t have to pay maintenance.

You sound stronger and in more control already. That little one needs you. He's using the threat of 50/50 to control you.

So actually, this isn't an amicable divorce with a very involved father. It's the classic 'My child and my wife must do what I want because they are mine' scenario.

You are used to working around him because he makes life unbearable if you don't. Is he employed in a traditional pay and pension kind of way? If so see a lawyer (well, do that anyway) and get ready to fight because he hasn't got a leg to stand on. If you don't stand up to him, he'll be manipulating you until your D.C. turns 18 if not beyond. He'll withhold maintenance, mess about with contact etc. Say you want a clear, formal arrangement so he and you and most importantly DS know what's what.