Sad I'll have to share the time

[mlkjhutygft]

I've name changed so this isn't linked.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I of course will put my own sadness and feelings aside and do the fair thing.

I've separated from my partner tonight. Nothing bad has happened just so many things have taken their toll.

My baby is 18 months old and I'm just so sad I'll lose him for 50% of the time. It fills me with dread and tbh I'm devastated. I'm still BF and I've never left him overnight before. The thought of not seeing him half of the week tears me up inside. He still wakes in the night for milk and the thought of him crying for me in the night is awful. Due to breastfeeding it's me that does all the care in the night.

His dad is great and I know they deserve an equal relationship. He loves his dad and I know they'll find a way that works but the transition is going to be hard on me and the baby and I feel so fucking shit it's come to this.

That's all really. I just really needed to write this down. I'm going to have to put my big girl pants on and deal with this but I just wanted to rant and say I'm so fucking sad.

So if he works full time as well, what’s he planning on doing for childcare on his days then? He’s not expecting your mum to do it for free whilst not paying you any maintenance because he has 50/50 is he?

Far too young got an 18 month old to have 50/50.

Personally I wouldn't do that to my DS, you are going to have to be strong and brave and put your foot down.

50:50 isn’t right for an 18 month old. If he needs you in the night, he needs you. Your exh can still have contact during the day, and up that to a few nights as he gets bigger.

I’m assuming you’ve done all the night wakings so far if you’re bf, so it doesn’t have to change.

50:50 works for teens imo - and they can use that as a basis but go back and forth as they want (subject to allowed both parents a life of course!). Doesn’t work for an 18mo.

Your particular ex sounds like an abusive dick who definitely shouldn’t have 50:50.

Stand your group! Solicitor and mediation, then court if needs be.

I had one who thought it was terribly clever to say 50:50 having never pulled his weight up to that time. Wouldn’t agree anything on finances until I’d agreed to 50:50 so I had to take him to court. The minute he saw a solicitor he changed his tune and agreed to what I was saying all along.

One big reason I didn’t agree was I knew he wouldn’t do it: he wanted 50:50 on paper so no maintenance and so he looked involved, but he’d have been saying “oh I can’t manage tonight / this week” every five minutes.

@Polly111

So if he works full time as well, what’s he planning on doing for childcare on his days then? He’s not expecting your mum to do it for free whilst not paying you any maintenance because he has 50/50 is he?

I hope the op reads this!!

Bf issue aside ... .

Op you sound very open and fair and anxious to give credit where credit is due and that is admirable. But from what you have written here, you are giving your ex far too much credit. We women are socialised to be this way, to be "nice", but from what you have written, I really don't think your ex is reciprocating or operating in the same way.

He can't just provide financial support as he wishes; this has to be sorted properly. Please seek help and advice from a good a lawyer as soon as possible.

As anxious as you are to be accommodating, it's really worth setting down firm boundaries now, and giving him the message you won't be toyed with, so this man doesn't become a thorn in your side for 17 years and beyond.

50/50 is not beneficial for younger children IMO. I split with DS's dad when DS was 10 months and no way would I have agreed to 50/50 at that age. I think a solicitor would agree too, especially if you are breastfeeding.

you dont sound like a bitch in the slightest.

Sounds to me like you have every intention of facilitating a decent relationship between the child and his dad, but dont let him bully you into 50/50 when hes never attempted to lighten your load or do close to 50/50 when you were together.
You need to do whats best for you and the baby. Not what your ex demands

So he's controlling about finances and doesn't do 50% of the care at the moment? He sounds like he wants 50/50 purely so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

Take him to court to ensure the access arrangements reflect what's best for your child, not for his wallet. And then lodge a claim for child maintenance.

Sorry for the delayed response. Hopefully I haven't had another username fail.

I did speak to a solicitor. He's refusing mediation as wants 50/50 so nothing to mediate.

Looks like I'll be going to court.

Thank you for all your kind words and wisdom. I really hope he sees sense when the dust settles.

I'm going to get court orders anyway though as I don't trust him due to his current behaviour. I want to make sure that DS has residency with me and contact is agreed.

It would appear solicitor is satisfied that I'm being reasonable and that I have ample evidence I am primary carer and have always been. She said judge will absolutely not separate me from my BF baby.

Thank you all so much.

I split from my ex when ds was just over 2 (25mths). We have done 50.50 maybe 55.45 with me having a little more. since and it works fine and has done for 7 years. We both work filltime and live within 15/20 min drive. My ex did very little parenting,never cooked for son or shopped for him until he left. He managed fine. Most men are perfectly capable of adequately caring for their young children they just dont due to laziness, habit, sick of being corrected by mother fir not doing it right etc etc
I wasnt bf my son at the time we seperated but i will say at 18mths he doesnt need a night feed. Its not helpful saying your baby will be crying out for you in the night. We dont know this. I bf until 5 mths when i returned to work and then for a further 5 mths i fed evenings,nights and mornings. Son woke regularly at night for the comfort of a suckle,not food. I was exhausted. One weekend i had to go away for the night and he managed fine, breast wasnt available so he went back to sleep. I stayed out of room the next night and he slept great. The habit was broken.

Every individual family is different and on here you will get a range of views clouded by personal experiences. There are also a lot of posters here with very negative views on men. My ex is a selfish annoying idiot, he is not the devil incarnate and neither are most men. You have a long road ahead, dont burn your bridges. Fathers have rights too whether mothers like that or not. Dont let bitterness take you over. Being a single/co parent can be tough. So ofen ive had to take the high road, be the bigger person when God knows it doesnt come naturally to me.
The first few times your child is away are strange and tough but if you know he is safe then just hang in there and it will get easier. Seven years on I sometimes enjoy the break while he is at dads.
Its all so new and raw. Dont commit to anything long-term straight away. Think what will work best for you and try to be fair to all three of you. Then do a trial period and agree a time for review. We initially spilt every weekend but it was messy znd no one could ever do anything for thecweekend as had to be around for handover. Both realised it wasnt working and fairly quickly switched to every second weekend. Stay calm, dont rise to provocation and hang in there this can work out.

Sorry just saw your update after i posted. Im sorry it has to go to court im sure its very difficult.
I still think some of my post stands though and your son will hopefully be well looked after by his dad and you have a long way to go so keep calm and always try behave in a way you can be proud of and be able to tell your son in 20yrs time you always did your best for him regardless of how hard it was for you at the time.