Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband moving money

72 replies

YourRoyalHighness · 02/04/2021 15:30

Hi,

For the last five months my husband has been out of work due to the company he worked for closing due to the pandemic. He's gone back to work now, but it was hard going to make ends meet when he was home. I said we could manage for a few months, but not forever. I've been making sure above anything that all of our bills are covered and I've been meal planning and stretching food and buying things second hand to make sure we don't go into overdrafts or anything.

Almost all of our direct debits go out of a joint account at the start of the month. I've made sure the correct amount is in there. But this month I got an alert that it was £550 overdrawn. I was so busy that I figured I must have forgotten to transfer last weeks outgoing, even though I was sure I had, and I transferred the £550 from savings, which are all earmarked so I resolved to look into it later. I didn't get a chance yesterday so I just did it now. Lots of trickled out withdrawals to my husbands account. I called him and he said he hates having no money so he put money in his account to buy lunch at work etc and he bought some new tools and bits to do up the house which are in his car

BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME!! Didn't ask me even, as it's me doing all the budgeting and making it work! He just helped himself to over 500 quid and didn't even tell me we would be short. I've told him that it's only fair that the entirety of his first pay packet goes into the bills account, since he should have about 500 a month personal money. He needs to give all that back. It's not a free money account! I've told him I'm pissed off that he did it. He said I'm "stuck on it now" and "it's a bit of an overreaction."

Is it? AIBU?

OP posts:

NiceTwin · 02/04/2021 15:34

YANBU.
I can understand he may need some spends but £500 at the expense of bills being paid is wrong! What does he need that for in a month when things are already tight?

Do you have communication problems in general, or just around money?

littlepattilou · 02/04/2021 15:36

No of COURSE YANBU. He is an irresponsible twit. I would have gone loco tbh. Me and DH have a joint account for everything, and another one for savings, and even HE asks if it's OK to buy anything, before he buys it. (I generally deal with the finances and he doesn't know what's in the account most of the time. I do it coz I enjoy it and am good at this kind of shit, and he is happy with it as he still has ACCESS to everything.)

For your DH to just shift £500 out when he knows your position has been precarious recently, is a shit thing to do.

freeingNora · 02/04/2021 15:42

Seems really suss to be honest I'd be wanting to see what £500 worth of tools look like and of course he's been fiscally irresponsible so no you're not being unreasonable

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/04/2021 15:42

Well, he definitely owes the savings pot the money and needs to adjust his thinking.

The bills account is the bills account and can't be plundered without there being an issue with, obviously, bills being paid.

And who takes £500 spending money from any shared account without checking it wouldn't cause a problem? Who needs that much free cash, let alone expects it to be available when they've been out of work for 5 months?

You've found his selfish spot. He'll defend it and make it out to be you controlling the money, infantilising him and a sorts of affronts to his dignity. But it boils down to he was selfish, thoughtless and felt entitled to it!

Good luck being able to talk it through.

AnotherKrampus · 02/04/2021 15:50

Revert back to separate accounts and have the bill payments come from his account

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 15:54

So he was sat on his arse doing nothing for months, yet it was you who was budgeting, meal planning, sourcing second hand options...

That goes hand in hand with the attitude he has.

If my husband overdrew a joint account in these circumstances I would hit the fucking roof.

Then I’d close the joint account, put a fair number of outgoings from each single account, and tell him he had the food budget in his - so he can get on with meal planning.

What an absolute arsehole.

HappyWipings · 02/04/2021 15:55

I'd want to see those tools etc. It sounds like he's covering something up.

Yanbu.

Original poster

YourRoyalHighness · 02/04/2021 15:56

No, we don't normally have any issues, we've been married 9 years and have never had money issues at all. But then he'd never been out of work before. He knows how hard it's been, I've had to literally count the pennies to keep us afloat and still do things like buy for our children's birthdays and stuff. The bills account doesn't get touched, that's the rule. Normally he contributes half of the outgoings to it and some to savings. But he hasn't for five months. I've had to cover everything. But as soon as he's stepped out of the house and back to work, it's like he believes himself immediately entitled to the same spends he had before prior to even having earnt it!

I'm really annoyed and I think he's being very dismissive and a total twat about it. Obviously me being the one who has scrimped and saved and stressed has just allowed him to believe there's no money worry. Well, there is! And he will have to pay that back!

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 15:56

Why has it ended up that you’re the one who calculates how long you could make ends meet? And that you’re the one transfer money for bills and looking into overdraft alerts? Why have you let that be your job?

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 15:59

That's terrible behaviour on his part. Make sure he pays it back. Actually I'd want to see the things he says he's bought - are you sure they exist? What does the bank statement say? Has he taken out a lot of cash? Can you see his bank account?

Original poster

YourRoyalHighness · 02/04/2021 15:59

@Cocomarine

I didn't let it. I said I would, because he was so upset and panicked when the company shut down. I showed him it could be done and that we would be ok for a few months.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourRoyalHighness · 02/04/2021 16:00

@HollowTalk

Actually, I think can. I did have his log in details for online banking. I'll have a look.

OP posts:

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 02/04/2021 16:01

No, it's not ok. He is taking family money for personal spends when there is no money to spare.

Tinydinosaur · 02/04/2021 16:03

YANBU! I'd be fuming, neither of us would ever consider taking money out of a joint account without asking beforehand. He needs to put it back.

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 16:04

I would definitely have a look. It would be very interesting to see where it's going to. And if it's cash, you have a completely different problem, as shops don't want cash right now.

ShellieEllie · 02/04/2021 16:06

That's quite some lunch he's been having and he must have been buying top of the range tools too!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 16:08

I called him and he said he hates having no money so he put money in his account to buy lunch at work etc and he bought some new tools and bits to do up the house which are in his car

Bullshit. I don't buy this for a second.

MaLarkinn · 02/04/2021 16:08

I'd just print out a statement, go through it and the bills too.

I think some of the reactions here are a bit ott.

Your first mistake was taking it all on yourself 5 months ago.

MaLarkinn · 02/04/2021 16:09

As for shops not wanting cash, I'm paying for most things with cash at the moment.

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 16:10

@YourRoyalHighness and that’s the loving actions of a supportive partner.
At first.
Once you’d reassured him that the budget would stretch, why didn’t he then take on the stretching of it, the meal planning, and the second hand buying?
Because then you wouldn’t be in this position of him acting like a child who thinks there’s a money tree.

I know o sound critical of you, when it’s him that has behaved badly. I’m actually criticising him for leaving it all to you. And - pointing out that that behaviour goes hand in hand with the entitled shit you’ve just seen.

So stop letting him leave it all to you. Hand over the meal planning, etc.

Lollypop4 · 02/04/2021 16:12

I'd be furious.
Hope he pays back asap.
If happens again, don't let him access to joint but make sure he pays in his fair share of bills into it.

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 16:13

@MaLarkinn

As for shops not wanting cash, I'm paying for most things with cash at the moment.

Why is that though? I know some takeaways want cash only (always seems really dodgy to me) but all the shops around here don't want to deal with cash at all. Are the banks even open and accepting cash at the moment?

nanbread · 02/04/2021 16:15

I too think he's full of shit

If he's at home now, go and get the tools in from his car...

nanbread · 02/04/2021 16:16

Over what period of time has he taken the £500?

Original poster

YourRoyalHighness · 02/04/2021 16:17

Rounded up-
£312 at screwfix. (I'll be asking to see what these essential items are!!)
£48 at Tesco over eight transactions
£60 at apple green over five transactions- (googled, a petrol station chain it seems)
£58 at Wickes
£83 at McDonald's!!!! 😡😡😡 sometimes visited twice a day!! I have been cooking meals that ensure leftovers for another and he's been scoffing McDonald's and meal deals. I give him sandwiches to take to work!!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.