Husband moving money

[YourRoyalHighness]

Hi,

For the last five months my husband has been out of work due to the company he worked for closing due to the pandemic. He's gone back to work now, but it was hard going to make ends meet when he was home. I said we could manage for a few months, but not forever. I've been making sure above anything that all of our bills are covered and I've been meal planning and stretching food and buying things second hand to make sure we don't go into overdrafts or anything.

Almost all of our direct debits go out of a joint account at the start of the month. I've made sure the correct amount is in there. But this month I got an alert that it was £550 overdrawn. I was so busy that I figured I must have forgotten to transfer last weeks outgoing, even though I was sure I had, and I transferred the £550 from savings, which are all earmarked so I resolved to look into it later. I didn't get a chance yesterday so I just did it now. Lots of trickled out withdrawals to my husbands account. I called him and he said he hates having no money so he put money in his account to buy lunch at work etc and he bought some new tools and bits to do up the house which are in his car

BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME!! Didn't ask me even, as it's me doing all the budgeting and making it work! He just helped himself to over 500 quid and didn't even tell me we would be short. I've told him that it's only fair that the entirety of his first pay packet goes into the bills account, since he should have about 500 a month personal money. He needs to give all that back. It's not a free money account! I've told him I'm pissed off that he did it. He said I'm "stuck on it now" and "it's a bit of an overreaction."

Is it? AIBU?

Does he have a debit card for the bills account? Why not just pay on that for tools / stuff for house?

Seems dodgy to me.

@nanbread

Over what period of time has he taken the £500?

Over a month

@nanbread

Does he have a debit card for the bills account? Why not just pay on that for tools / stuff for house?

Seems dodgy to me.

No. Neither of us do. To avoid this sort of thing! It's meant to be untouchable money so the bills are guaranteed to be covered. You have to go on the banking app to transfer the money, which he has done into his own account so that he can use his debit card

So nearly £200 on lunch and snacks, is that in a month?

I'd be pretty pissed off at that when you're struggling to make ends meet.

AND when you're making him sandwiches!

Has he put on a lot of weight?

@nanbread

So nearly £200 on lunch and snacks, is that in a month?

I'd be pretty pissed off at that when you're struggling to make ends meet.

Yes, in a month! And he takes sandwiches with him and has a heavily subsidised work canteen with free hot drinks. But he's clearly been ignoring that in favour of meal deals and McDonald's breakfasts. And there's me buying reduced items and freezing them to shave money off the food bills.

He's just sent me a text saying he honestly didn't think he was doing anything wrong because he's working now. Yes, but you've not been paid yet!! it's still only my income and I can only just make it meet the obligations!

He spent £83 in a month at McD’s when you’re scrimping! That’s a week’s food shopping for a family. I’d be raging. Sure, once everything’s back on track he can have his fun money and buy junk with it if he wants, but that’s a piss take when you’re counting the pennies. Screw everyone else, let them eat bargain basement food while he sits pretty eating burgers, eh.

I’d lay this out to him - as in “did you know sometimes in the last five months I’ve eaten the kids leftovers/had beans on toast every day for a week/whatever you’ve done while you’ve been getting takeaway”. Make him see how he’s prioritised himself over you. Does he really think he’s more important than you?

@nanbread

AND when you're making him sandwiches!

Has he put on a lot of weight?

No, but he's one of those infuriating types that rarely does. He's almost always texted to say not to make him dinner and said he's not hungry when he gets in. I was thinking maybe he was having a big lunch in the work canteen. Not pigging out on money we don't have to spare

Bloody hell.
If the tools are in the back of the car, he can bloody well drive to Screwfix now and get £312 back.

£83 on McDonalds in a MONTH after all you’ve done?

I wouldn’t be able to look at him. What an arsehole.

He shouldn’t be splurging until the savings are built back up to where they were.
For someone who was so panicked about making ends meet, he really hasn’t appreciated that savings kept his kids fed, has he? What a man child 🙄

I've just texted him to tell him to take all that back to screwfix and asked him what sort of state he thinks we would be in if I suddenly availed myself of the £500 I would ordinarily have available to me, just because he's working now? The money isn't there yet!

I'd have gone tonto if my dh did that. I'd be taking his name off the joint account pronto & he has to pay every penny of his fun spend back (after taking tools back to screw fix)

Ask him if he’s proud of himself that he’s been splurging on fast food and meal deals while his wife and children are stretching leftovers to make do. How many toys and treats have your children gone without while he’s bought himself some shiny tools?

The fact that he’s not even considered the impact of taking money from the joint account before he’s actually been paid yet shows he’s either spectacularly selfish or a massive imbecile, neither are traits I’d want in a life partner.

His selfishness is shocking. He really thinks a weeks food shopping budget spent on McDonald's is not a big deal? While the rest of the family went without... He has no respect for your efforts at all.

@AnotherKrampus

Revert back to separate accounts and have the bill payments come from his account

This.

Buying lunch at work is a luxury, too.

You're over there doing the leg work to stretch the budget and he's fleecing you.

I'd fucking cancel anything of mine going to the joint account. Redirect bills to his if you know the details and that's it. No more joint finances.

I'd NEVER share money with him again.

It’s sounds hugely annoying and irresponsible....: but in the grand scheme he has been a bit spend happy after the relief of getting a new job. He hasn’t spent it on anything deeply worrying, just plain silly.
Definitely a serious talk but it’s an error of judgement not a LTB situation.

I think he has probably been stressed and is now spending in relief at life back to normal. Are the tools are for his job?
McDonald's might be his way of feeling normal. Something simple that he missed during the months of budgeting. I do this with coffee shops when working hard. I look at my statement and I've spent £80 in Cafe Nero over the month.
I'd just ask him to put it back in the pot when he is paid and not mention it again.

@Parentpower20

It’s sounds hugely annoying and irresponsible....: but in the grand scheme he has been a bit spend happy after the relief of getting a new job. He hasn’t spent it on anything deeply worrying, just plain silly. Definitely a serious talk but it’s an error of judgement not a LTB situation.

I agree with this, despite being livid, purely because he doesn't have form for utterly selfish and thoughtless behaviours

@DianaT1969

I think he has probably been stressed and is now spending in relief at life back to normal. Are the tools are for his job? McDonald's might be his way of feeling normal. Something simple that he missed during the months of budgeting. I do this with coffee shops when working hard. I look at my statement and I've spent £80 in Cafe Nero over the month. I'd just ask him to put it back in the pot when he is paid and not mention it again.

Poor soul! Notice the OP didn't do this and was there meal planning and sourcing second hand, had to be stressful. She's been over there batch cooking and packing his fucking lunch and he blew over 80 quid at Maccie D's whilst she was eating leftovers.

I would be furious about this.

Firstly because he's not kept you in the loop. Secondly, because he's behaved totally irresponsibly, and thirdly because he clearly thinks you are the Cinderella in this relationship , he is The Handsome Prince, and there is nothing wrong whatsoever with his wife and children having to scrimp and do without as long as he gets what he wants.

I'd go nuclear OP. ☹️

Tbh he doesn't sound very bright. If he honestly thinks he can spend the money he normally would without actually having been paid. Where does he think this money is coming from?! Yanbu.

It also seems to show a lack of regard for you. You've been really making an effort to get your food costs down etc so you can make ends meet,and he just seems to not have any appreciation or understandimg of that.

It’s one thing to buy yourself a McDonald’s when you’re feeling low, but it’s another spending over £80 when your family is sat at home eating leftovers and reduced food.

I would not be happy and yes, his first pay packet will go straight back in to the bills account

You say he doesn’t have form for utterly selfish and thoughtless behaviour, but that was my point earlier - he does. By leaving all the budgeting, meal planning, food stretching, bill money monitoring and transferring, second hand item sourcing to you... all whilst he wasn’t working and you were - that was all displaying thoughtless and selfish behaviour.

My husband has been furloughed - tries not to let me lift a finger in the kitchen!

I do get that you sorted out the budget to reassure him in his initial panic - and that was lovely of you.

But now here you are, still doing it all.

So yes, you might have 9 years of good and not selfish times, which make this not a LTB situation.

But in addressing it with him, I think you’d be wise not to be blinkered with the idea that this was a one off splurge of relief situation. He’s been selfish for some time. Time for him to step up and go back to the first 9 years behaviour.

@Cocomarine

You say he doesn’t have form for utterly selfish and thoughtless behaviour, but that was my point earlier - he does. By leaving all the budgeting, meal planning, food stretching, bill money monitoring and transferring, second hand item sourcing to you... all whilst he wasn’t working and you were - that was all displaying thoughtless and selfish behaviour.

My husband has been furloughed - tries not to let me lift a finger in the kitchen!

I do get that you sorted out the budget to reassure him in his initial panic - and that was lovely of you.

But now here you are, still doing it all.

So yes, you might have 9 years of good and not selfish times, which make this not a LTB situation.

But in addressing it with him, I think you’d be wise not to be blinkered with the idea that this was a one off splurge of relief situation. He’s been selfish for some time. Time for him to step up and go back to the first 9 years behaviour.

I agree with this

Unbelievably selfish.
Just unbelievable.
That he could do that when you have been under such pressure.
You have carried the load for months and his first inclination is to treat himself with speaking to you.

The level of disrespect and selfishness would mean I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Kindly OP, I think you must have a very low relationship bar if the way he behaves is acceptable.
He's like another child that you have had to mind when he lost his job.
You carrying the whole load.
Unforgivable.
I would be protecting yourself financially.
He certainly hasn't your back, not your children's.