Husband moving money

[YourRoyalHighness]

Hi,

For the last five months my husband has been out of work due to the company he worked for closing due to the pandemic. He's gone back to work now, but it was hard going to make ends meet when he was home. I said we could manage for a few months, but not forever. I've been making sure above anything that all of our bills are covered and I've been meal planning and stretching food and buying things second hand to make sure we don't go into overdrafts or anything.

Almost all of our direct debits go out of a joint account at the start of the month. I've made sure the correct amount is in there. But this month I got an alert that it was £550 overdrawn. I was so busy that I figured I must have forgotten to transfer last weeks outgoing, even though I was sure I had, and I transferred the £550 from savings, which are all earmarked so I resolved to look into it later. I didn't get a chance yesterday so I just did it now. Lots of trickled out withdrawals to my husbands account. I called him and he said he hates having no money so he put money in his account to buy lunch at work etc and he bought some new tools and bits to do up the house which are in his car

BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME!! Didn't ask me even, as it's me doing all the budgeting and making it work! He just helped himself to over 500 quid and didn't even tell me we would be short. I've told him that it's only fair that the entirety of his first pay packet goes into the bills account, since he should have about 500 a month personal money. He needs to give all that back. It's not a free money account! I've told him I'm pissed off that he did it. He said I'm "stuck on it now" and "it's a bit of an overreaction."

Is it? AIBU?

I'd bear in mind that this might just be him. It's easy to not be selfish with money when you've got plenty. You've been scrimping, covering the bills on your sole wage, budgeting, making his sandwiches and this is how he repays you for your efforts! It'd hugely disrespectful. He could have and should have been doing all that stuff too, as he wasn't working. You've never seen this selfish streak before because you've never been in this situation before. So it might not be a question of going back to how he used to be, maybe this is who he always has been. No need to LTB this time if things are otherwise good, but I'd separate finances now and watch out for anything similar happening in future.

I would be inclined to say that the next £500 of spare 'fun' money is yours and yours only. He'll need to wait a while before he gets anymore spends.

I would never have a joint account with him again and from now on he manages the bill etc so he can see how hard and exhausting it is.

You also get however many months of £500 a month seeing that's how it is.

He let you and the children eat bargain food whilst he spent over £80 on junk food!

I agree about not sharing an account with him again.

The fact that he had you carrying the can the entire time he was unemployed and then did this, whilst you were making his fucking lunch and you and your kids eating reduced food and leftovers.

Nah, I don't buy the 'poor soul, he had a splurge after not working'. He's a grown up. Toys are for kids when money is tight.

The thing is that he hasn't treated anyone else, has he? He hasn't spent money on clothes or games or even a bar of chocolate for anyone else. And he hasn't even been paid, just sneaked money out of the bills account to buy crap for himself.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I'm interested to know whether he had freedom to spend money while he was out of work because it must have been tough having you responsible for his money .

@HollowTalk

The thing is that he hasn't treated anyone else, has he? He hasn't spent money on clothes or games or even a bar of chocolate for anyone else. And he hasn't even been paid, just sneaked money out of the bills account to buy crap for himself.

This.

All that money on junk food and his wife scrimping to juggle meals and making him lunch.

Sometimes posts on MN are shocking for the simplest reasons.

The sheer selfishness is truly breathtaking.

That he could do that to his wife AND his children.
83 euros on McDonald's.

Sometimes people show you EXACTLY who they are.
This 500 euros has shown the OP the character of the man she is married to.

I would NEVER look at him the same and I would be mortified to have had children with such a selfish juvenile man.

They are no more all in it together.

The OP and her children are on one side and Mr. Sly Selfish Arse, is on the other.

Complete deal breaker and he needs to know that.

Has must have absolutely no shame?

It certainly sounds like he has zero character.

I really feel for you OP.
You sound like an amazing woman holding it all together.

You must be so appalled and beyond furious at such treatment.

Protect yourself and reach out IRL forsupport.

He’s not on your team working with you. I know you said he’s not always this selfish but this really would be an issue for me. How can you trust him again with money?

Im going to be a counter opinion here, yes it’s a bit much but you are reacting very, very strongly. I’m sure he’ll cover it now he’s working again.

He’s definitely behaved poorly, but I can’t help thinking people would have a different opinion if this was a female saying their husband had a go at him and had been calculating everything she spent etc. I think he’s got the message you’re disappointed. Just make sure he repays it

Actually I think this is massively serious. The lack of loyalty and care for his family is huge. Careful, OP, because it looks to me as though, the day your family is actually going short of essentials, he’ll still be stuffing his face somewhere at your expense.

@Darbs76

He’s definitely behaved poorly, but I can’t help thinking people would have a different opinion if this was a female saying their husband had a go at him and had been calculating everything she spent etc. I think he’s got the message you’re disappointed. Just make sure he repays it

this isn’t ongoing financial abuse and control. Sexes reversed would have exactly the same response.

OP is budgeting and keeping the family afloat because money has been tight for a few months. Her ‘D’H has completely disrespected that and has left OP and their children struggling to blow £500 on absolutely non essential items/food.

YANBU - another poster hit the nail on the head - it's the lying and spending it all on himself while you were scrimping and saving. It might be a one off, it might not be. I also trusted my DH and the reasons money was going out of our account - I've found out that he's lied constantly for years. Even after I called him out on it, he continued to lie. It was like someone had flicked a switch for me - over 30 years of marriage down the drain; I have no trust, respect or love for him now.
All I'd say is don't take your eye off the financial ball and what your DH is doing. I truly hope it's a one off...

The 200 food is shocking and piss taking, particularly because he knew you were making lunches and being super careful with food

The screw fix should have been discussed before purchase due to low funds

Also just the selfishness and sneakiness of it, throwing cash about when you’ve been counting pennies

I think Cocomarine has made a really important point. I wouldn’t necessarily call it selfishness as much as a massive blind spot. It sounds to me like he only sees paid work, and doesn’t see/notice/value the unpaid labour that goes on in a household.

Many, many, many men don’t. It comes up on these threads over and over. They come home from their paid job, and think nothing of sitting in front of the tv while they’re non-working wife cooks, cleans, bathes dc, sorts bedtimes and puts in an on-call night shift too. But he worked all day.

Or men who help with the dishes, but seem to still believe in Santa for all the help they are at Christmas.

Men who see and value the work of family and household, pitch in. My df was out of work for a period due to health issues and I’m very grateful for the fabulous example he set to us dc. He took over the housework, supported my dm while he looked for alternative work. That’s the standard against which I was (unconsciously) judging potential partners.

The situation with the budget is fixable, particularly if you feel it was more thoughtless than selfish. You did him a kindness by calmly and quietly handling the money stress and protecting him from it. But going forward my suggestion is that you start drawing attention to what you are doing and wake him up to the invisible workload.

@AnotherKrampus

Revert back to separate accounts and have the bill payments come from his account

Don't do that! He'll just default on them and you'll never know!

I'm not sure I could ever see him in the same way knowing he'd been stuffing his face with junk food twice a day whilst watching his wife and children, his own bloody children, scrimp and ration food.

To be fair I do this all the time. But it’s me who knows all the bills and budgets so I wouldn’t leave us short. We have joint money though so we don’t really care if the other takes money for whatever reasons as long as bills get paid. It’s off that you had to take from savings though.

That’s disgusting behaviour from him. He’s stolen the money needed to keep a roof over his children’s head so he can spaff it on treats for himself while you go without. He didn’t tell you because he knew it was wrong but he just didn’t give a fuck.

Think about it. This man cares more about nuggets than his family. He’s happy for you and the kids to eat whatever is reduced while he spends family money on himself.

He would be sleeping in the car.

I think if he's back out working, with wages on the way and an overdraft facility on the family bank account, I can understand why he doesn't want zero access to funds. He's unclenching. If he'd asked for some money in his account, would you have transferred it?