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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL issues AIBU?

61 replies

Eaststreet · 02/04/2021 14:07

Will try and keep this short, I have absolutely no relationship with my MIL and I’m not sure if this is normal. Have been with my partner 5 years and we are getting married in 12 weeks for context.
Partners parents live abroad and granted we don’t see them much but this just doesn’t feel normal.

Before partner and I got engaged we would maybe FaceTime them 2 or 3 times a month, normal conversations what we’ve been up to, work , new house chat etc. I never spoke to his mum separately, on the phone or text messages other than the odd message for a birthday around Christmas time wishing them a nice day etc.

Once we got engaged I thought to myself this would be an opportunity to maybe speak together more often as she might want to chat about the wedding planning etc and give us something in common to build a relationship from but there was absolutely nothing. No text or message when we got engaged, no questions about wedding planning etc. We then booked a wedding and they were horrified we’d booked a wedding during COVID although we explained we were really keen to get married ASAP. We then cancelled the wedding as they didn’t think they’d be able to travel as things progressed with covid , no message about the fact we had cancelled which was an upsetting/stressful time for both of us.

When we got engaged she did set up a group whatsapp with her daughter, me and my mum (who she has only met once) which was fine and I did think it was a nice gesture to talk about wedding plans however all she did was talk about her outfit, her hair, her travel arrangements , there wasn’t a single question about the wedding or any of the plans that involved anyone but her and her family. And the chat eventually fizzled out.

Since Christmas, I’ve not turned up on any of the facetimes and not heard from her at all (although I did message her on her birthday) I asked my partner and they haven’t once asked why I’m not there or asked about me at all.

It would be good to get some outside perspective, I don’t know whether I’m just being a bit sensitive and this is normal or not? I don’t think I should be the centre of attention or even want a huge fuss made of me but I just thought there would be more engagement about the fact I’m marrying her son than there has been.

My partner thinks the same as me too, and finds the whole thing very weird, we have decided to go ahead and get married without them here as it didn’t seem like they were interested anyway by the way they’ve acted since our engagement. However DP only told them this last week so I don’t think that has any baring on the backstory, although she’s probably not very happy. Also to add there is no reason either me or DP know of as to why she wouldn’t like me.

Yes AIBU - not everyone is close to their MIL and she hasn’t done anything wrong
No AINBU - in thinking there should have been some more effort made

OP posts:
purplewolfie · 02/04/2021 14:10

What exactly where you expecting from her? Why haven't you joined the calls since Christmas?

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 14:11

Bloody hell, is there a blue moon? Normally it’s people moaning about overbearing mils! Mine didn’t get involved in our wedding, wasn’t invited to do so and wasn’t expected to discuss it bar asking what colour the bridesmaid were in so she wouldn’t clash. Your wedding is exciting for you, probably not for everyone else. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but why would she want involvement?

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 02/04/2021 14:13

I think this is both normal AND unfortunate / a wasted opportunity for a lovely relationship. I too have no relationship with my MIL having been with DH for 11 years. The first 3 years or so I really tried, including around the wedding. I also hoped having kids might spark her interest in our family but nope! To be honest, I feel most sad for his DH. He calls his Mum sometimes but she never reciprocates. I’ve not heard from her in years but through him reaching out to her. Thankfully, we have a very close relationship with my own parents. He adores them and they him!

Happytentoes · 02/04/2021 14:15

It’s not clear why you didn’t turn up to the face time calls? Was that a deliberate choice?
Not everyone does have a close relationship with MIL, and for some who do, it grows over time, with shared events, grandchildren, whatever.

I understand though that you might be a bit put off by their general lack of enthusiasm for a wedding right now, but without knowing where they are, it could have proven tricky for them to travel so they possibly thought you and DP were not really taking them into account.
I would step up and attend those FaceTime calls, as making an effort works both ways.

Original poster
Eaststreet · 02/04/2021 14:16

I guess I’ve not joined the calls because I got sick of chatting about their lives when it became apparent there was no interest in our life especially around a milestone for us. It’s not really the wedding that’s the issue it’s more that we have no relationship and I thought the wedding might be an opportunity to develop more of one. Clearly I’m being sensitive and there shouldn’t be expectation that his mum would be interested.

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers this sounds very similar, it’s always my DP that makes the effort. And we also have a close relationship with my parents which makes it feel like we’re even more disconnected from his.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 02/04/2021 14:17

You are most fortunate.

katy1213 · 02/04/2021 14:18

You were face timing your mother-in-law two or three times a month - and you wanted to up that? Why? What on earth did you have left to say?
She's probably not that excited about your bridesmaids' dresses. Surely if anyone cares that's for the bride's side?

Mywingshurt · 02/04/2021 14:22

A lot of people would be chuffed that they don't have to do the MIL dance!

If it means a lot to you though, facetime her yourself. Chat to her. Ask her about her outfit and travel plans, see how responsive she is to you instigating some level of contact.

Original poster
Eaststreet · 02/04/2021 14:22

I never said I wanted to up the amount of calls! I was just giving context to the situation. I was more referencing the wedding as being an opportunity for us to bond and have something in common to build the relationship, not that I was expecting her to be bothered about every last detail.

Clearly I am being unreasonable for wanting a nice relationship with her by the sounds of it.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/04/2021 14:22

I met mil twice before got married as lived in seperate countries. Never messaged and never spoke on the phone. Only grew close when we moved next to them and then had kids.

Hhusky · 02/04/2021 14:27

You have never developed a one on one relationship with MiL and now expect her to be falling over herself about your plans. I think that's a bit unreasonable. If you feel you want more from her then I would say put more work into your relationship with her and go from there.

Horehound · 02/04/2021 14:28

I agree with you op that it is weird for them not to mention you on calls. Not send an "happy engagement card"etc.
So I am not surprised you'd stopped going on the calls.

But in the long run it is their loss. At least your finance can see they are the ones disinterested.

But also,I kinda wish I was you cause my MIL is a bit weird...

Barababam · 02/04/2021 14:30

The MIL being abroad could be something. I also have foreign in-laws. They are very nice face to face but have no interest in me eg if I post something in the family chat no one replies. They’re interested in their son and the grandkids/nephews so I have come to accept it. It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth since I live in their country but hey ho they’re pleasant face to face and not much more I can do about it. I’ve learnt to accept that what mine and their idea of a relationship is different.

purplewolfie · 02/04/2021 14:33

I guess I’ve not joined the calls because I got sick of chatting about their lives when it became apparent there was no interest in our life especially around a milestone for us.

This does make it seem like you are sulking. And she did have some interest - she set up the whatsapp group and posted? Did you reply to her there and encourage the relationship? Or are you expecting her to do most of the work?

Original poster
Eaststreet · 02/04/2021 14:34

@Barababam yes mine have always been pleasant face to face but then nothing in between which could be a year at a time.
We have a chat with the 4 of us in but they only message my DP directly they would never use it to send us both a message , it never gets used.
I think that’s true for me, I will have to accept that our ideas of the relationship are different and get over it.

OP posts:
Laggartha · 02/04/2021 14:34

I’m not sure what more you want from her. You’re being passive aggressive regarding the onlines and of course a chat will fizzle out if only one person is contributing.

Triffid1 · 02/04/2021 14:35

I get on okay with MIL but she only actually bothered to put my phone number in her phone after we'd been married for about 6 years when I had a mini meltdown at the fact that she didn't even have my bloody phone number.

Personally, I think you're being a bit precious. Sounds like she's not a particularly over bearing mother or MIL and has a nice, but not terribly close, relationship with your DH. She's not particularly interested in the details of the wedding but did set up a WhatsApp chat with you and your family which I think is actually quite nice. She's probably been told by her friends/family that she shouldn't be attempting to impose her ideas on your wedding etc etc (and certainly, you only have to spend 5 minutes on here to see the endless posts from women whose MIL seems to think it's her wedding).

I also think that building a relationship with someone via FaceTime is not easy at the best of times so I'm really not sure what you expected when they live far away.

I think you're actually being quite mean deciding to have the wedding and not have them there because, "they're not interested" and you're destroying any chance of a long term relationship.

Original poster
Eaststreet · 02/04/2021 14:39

@purplewolfie I probably am sulking a bit if I’m being honest I guess I was a bit hurt that there was no congratulations or anything and it kind of snowballed from there.

Yes both my mum and I replied on the group chat multiple times, but for example she would talk about booking her hair and make up, and said she had a friend in the area that she would ask for recommendations and I said I can send some across to you if you like, and she said no she would ask her friend. Or my mum asked her what colour outfit she was thinking of wearing and she replied saying oh that’s so outdated that you get to choose first and I have to pick next and my mum said no I don’t mind I’m sure we won’t pick the same anyway I was only wondering what you were thinking. So she was making conversation and just got shutdown with that’s so outdated

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 02/04/2021 14:42

It's a two way street you have to make the effort too. You initiate contact, you set the tone of the convo. Don't just sit there and expect it magically to appear. Sounds to me like she has made all the effort you have made none so she has given up!

Original poster
Eaststreet · 02/04/2021 14:42

@Triffid1 it’s important for us to get married this year as we want to start a family and we discussed we wanted to be married before this. I think it just made it easier to decide to go ahead without them because she hasn’t really been interested.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 14:50

All you can do is be happy the relationship you do have with her isn't a nightmare. The two of you aren't close and probably never will be, but it really doesn't matter. Just crack on and enjoy building your future.

Alsohuman · 02/04/2021 14:53

Are you new here? Most people complain that their Mil isn’t like yours.

Sunshinebunshine · 02/04/2021 14:56

What I cannot help but notice is that it is all mil. Why is all the blame on the mil and none on the fil? Does your dad have a 121 relationship with your dp. Has he contacted him to discuss the wedding and plans? It just frustrates me this extra level of expectation of women. My dh never contacts my mum for a chat.. And I don't expect him to and there is no general expectation of that. So I join in the family chats but why would I have a 121 relationship with my mil?

FlatEarthling · 02/04/2021 14:58

This is the sort of Mother In Law I aim to be.

I don't like weddings, they are a total waste of time and money.
Just get married, don't make a fuss.

As long as my child loves their partner and that person is a good person who loves my child wholeheartedly that's enough for me.
They are adults they don't need me looking over their shoulder.

Original poster
Eaststreet · 02/04/2021 15:06

@Sunshinebunshine my partners dad does actually contact me, he’ll message me if I got a new job for example to say congratulations , and then a few weeks later message to ask how it was going.
I didn’t necessarily expect him to be interested in the wedding (maybe wrongly gender stereotyping)

My DP is close to both my parents and they regularly message each other about various things. And yes my dad has spoken to my partner about the wedding in regards to the suits they will wear and also the stag do.

So I’m not blaming her because all the expectation is on her; but out of both sets of parents she’s the least engaged in our lives.

It’s not just about the wedding , I used that as an example but it’s basically no interest in anything going on in our lives. Including my partner. He doesn’t even tell them if he gets a promotion for example because she will say something like oh that’s nice, we’ve just had x y or z happen at work. Her instant reaction is to compare what you say to something in her life and not engage with what you’ve just said. It’s just comes across as no lack of interest.

OP posts: