MIL issues AIBU?

[Eaststreet]

Will try and keep this short, I have absolutely no relationship with my MIL and I’m not sure if this is normal. Have been with my partner 5 years and we are getting married in 12 weeks for context.
Partners parents live abroad and granted we don’t see them much but this just doesn’t feel normal.

Before partner and I got engaged we would maybe FaceTime them 2 or 3 times a month, normal conversations what we’ve been up to, work , new house chat etc. I never spoke to his mum separately, on the phone or text messages other than the odd message for a birthday around Christmas time wishing them a nice day etc.

Once we got engaged I thought to myself this would be an opportunity to maybe speak together more often as she might want to chat about the wedding planning etc and give us something in common to build a relationship from but there was absolutely nothing. No text or message when we got engaged, no questions about wedding planning etc. We then booked a wedding and they were horrified we’d booked a wedding during COVID although we explained we were really keen to get married ASAP. We then cancelled the wedding as they didn’t think they’d be able to travel as things progressed with covid , no message about the fact we had cancelled which was an upsetting/stressful time for both of us.

When we got engaged she did set up a group whatsapp with her daughter, me and my mum (who she has only met once) which was fine and I did think it was a nice gesture to talk about wedding plans however all she did was talk about her outfit, her hair, her travel arrangements , there wasn’t a single question about the wedding or any of the plans that involved anyone but her and her family. And the chat eventually fizzled out.

Since Christmas, I’ve not turned up on any of the facetimes and not heard from her at all (although I did message her on her birthday) I asked my partner and they haven’t once asked why I’m not there or asked about me at all.

It would be good to get some outside perspective, I don’t know whether I’m just being a bit sensitive and this is normal or not? I don’t think I should be the centre of attention or even want a huge fuss made of me but I just thought there would be more engagement about the fact I’m marrying her son than there has been.

My partner thinks the same as me too, and finds the whole thing very weird, we have decided to go ahead and get married without them here as it didn’t seem like they were interested anyway by the way they’ve acted since our engagement. However DP only told them this last week so I don’t think that has any baring on the backstory, although she’s probably not very happy. Also to add there is no reason either me or DP know of as to why she wouldn’t like me.

Yes AIBU - not everyone is close to their MIL and she hasn’t done anything wrong
No AINBU - in thinking there should have been some more effort made

Some parents are like that. My fil was interested in me as a person aside from being his son's wife anfld grandkids mother. We would talk about our interests and his travels all sorts of stuff, he would message me directly. I do message my mil directly and she me but if I didn't ring her for a week she wouldn't be that bothered, she isn't that interested in me as a person. If I didn't ring my mum in a week she would worry I was ill or something was wrong but we speak pretty much everyday and that is normal for us. Some inlaws are just not that overly bothered about their kid's spouse or don't want to come across as overbearing.

The fact that you haven't been on any videocalls comes across as being in a mood or sulking which is juvenile. You should accept that your relationship with your inlaws won't be the same as with your own parents but can still be polite and cordial.

I don’t think YABU. I’d never met my DHs family before we were engaged and only met his DF once before the wedding. Everyone else I met in the days running up to the wedding. But they all reached out to me when we got together, step-mum, siblings, adult nieces and nephews. Even though we didn’t know each other we still communicated, mainly the women but the men too, asking how each other were, how was the planning going, did we need help, how excited they were to be coming for the wedding... Lots of my family did the same with my DH. I think that’s what most people would do.

Just to clarify we aren’t purposely getting married when she can’t be here just to spite her.
We want to get married because it’s what we want as a couple and want start a family this year. If I had the choice obviously I’d want her there , more for my DP than anyone else but we aren’t doing this to exclude her on purpose

It just made the decision to do it when we know they won’t be here easier as it doesn’t appear she’s that bothered about it.

I have no relationship with my mil, however my husband doesn't either, infact she messagesme more than him, but she always manages to turn the conversation in to about her.

Our son is 2 years 3 months and she has seen him 4 times (yes covid but no facetime or anything during that time).

So for me, that's normal

So is the rest of her family falling in with her demands?

@BitOfFun my DP hasn’t asked any of his family as his mum basically said he couldn’t do he didn’t want to put anyone in a difficult situation

Just curious , given the fact we want to marry to start a family this year , is it still unreasonable to get married without them here ?
Would other people put that plan on hold so their MIL could attend the wedding ?
They’re in a country with a total lockdown on international travel, they haven’t been able to leave the country for 12 months and they are saying it will be the end of the year at the earliest.

I wouldn’t worry about it. You do you and be polite.
Just be warned, sometimes when grandkids come along suddenly they can do a 0-60 on you and won’t leave you alone!

Have you actually been proactive in forging a relationship with her?
The trouble with being a MIL is that you are seen as being a troublesome MIL before you've even started.
It would be really interesting to hear your MIL's perspective on your relationship.
Couple this with the fact that your in-laws live abroad, you are looking at a whole host of mis-communication difficulties.

Maybe contact her directly and assume a daughter in law seeking advice perspective.

@1Morewineplease yes absolutely , I have definitely tried to make the effort given the distance etc.
I have messaged her when there has been the opportunity to reach out solo.
For example in November we posted a birthday present for my DP’s dad over to them. I sent her a message along the lines of hello hope you’re all well and enjoying the warm weather. I have just posted John’s birthday present, addresses to you, just letting you know in case you open it and wonder what it is. Let me know when it arrives. Have a good week.
She responded ok thank you. And 3 weeks later send my DP a message along the lines of ‘A really strange package has arrived address to me, I’m not sure what it is’
I feel like she was causing a fuss for no reason, she knew what is was as I had told her. And made out to DP she had received a ‘strange package’ in the mail. There’s been various instances like this to the point where I think why bother.

Also my experience of MIL relationships are positive, my own mum gets on very well with my brothers wife , and her own MIL too. I didn’t set out expecting it to be negative.

Think you will need to accept she is a strange woman so lucky she lives far away.
Saying that when l was with my mil we got on great but in about 25 years of marriage before she dies l never once called her or spoke to her on the phone. My dh called his dps regularly and was very close to them so all contact was made that way. We visited about one a month as 3 hours away but they came to stay with us often as retired. So l wouldn't be bothered about the calls.
Are they from a different culture as that will make a difference too and only by spending time actually in each others company will you truly know.
Maybe for the wedding plan to have some family celebration in their country when you eventually get there.