MIL issues AIBU?

[Eaststreet]

Will try and keep this short, I have absolutely no relationship with my MIL and I’m not sure if this is normal. Have been with my partner 5 years and we are getting married in 12 weeks for context.
Partners parents live abroad and granted we don’t see them much but this just doesn’t feel normal.

Before partner and I got engaged we would maybe FaceTime them 2 or 3 times a month, normal conversations what we’ve been up to, work , new house chat etc. I never spoke to his mum separately, on the phone or text messages other than the odd message for a birthday around Christmas time wishing them a nice day etc.

Once we got engaged I thought to myself this would be an opportunity to maybe speak together more often as she might want to chat about the wedding planning etc and give us something in common to build a relationship from but there was absolutely nothing. No text or message when we got engaged, no questions about wedding planning etc. We then booked a wedding and they were horrified we’d booked a wedding during COVID although we explained we were really keen to get married ASAP. We then cancelled the wedding as they didn’t think they’d be able to travel as things progressed with covid , no message about the fact we had cancelled which was an upsetting/stressful time for both of us.

When we got engaged she did set up a group whatsapp with her daughter, me and my mum (who she has only met once) which was fine and I did think it was a nice gesture to talk about wedding plans however all she did was talk about her outfit, her hair, her travel arrangements , there wasn’t a single question about the wedding or any of the plans that involved anyone but her and her family. And the chat eventually fizzled out.

Since Christmas, I’ve not turned up on any of the facetimes and not heard from her at all (although I did message her on her birthday) I asked my partner and they haven’t once asked why I’m not there or asked about me at all.

It would be good to get some outside perspective, I don’t know whether I’m just being a bit sensitive and this is normal or not? I don’t think I should be the centre of attention or even want a huge fuss made of me but I just thought there would be more engagement about the fact I’m marrying her son than there has been.

My partner thinks the same as me too, and finds the whole thing very weird, we have decided to go ahead and get married without them here as it didn’t seem like they were interested anyway by the way they’ve acted since our engagement. However DP only told them this last week so I don’t think that has any baring on the backstory, although she’s probably not very happy. Also to add there is no reason either me or DP know of as to why she wouldn’t like me.

Yes AIBU - not everyone is close to their MIL and she hasn’t done anything wrong
No AINBU - in thinking there should have been some more effort made

@FlatEarthling we are now getting married at a register office and not making a fuss and her response to this was to ban all the rest of my DP’s family from attending who live in the UK. As she didn’t want to be the only one to miss out.
She would rather he had nobody there on the day from his side of the family than her miss out and everyone else be without her.
To me that is just thinking of herself and not about her son at all.

I don't think that this should be particular to MIL's either. My own mum isn't really that interested in family relationships either. Her and my dad are more than happy to have their own lives and not be dependant or involved. They are not that interested in anyone else, moved abroad to suit their own lives, don't particularly have a relationship with their grandchildren either.

I put it down to their own experiences of family life which were distant too.

@LauristonLane thanks for this perspective.
This is why I was looking for some other opinions as I am very close to my parents , and my mum also has a great relationship with her MIL. So I think naturally I was looking for this.

But just because that is what I was wanting from the relationship I think she is happy to have things how they are and I need to accept that and assume that’s how it will be forever. Also thinking of it, my DP’s mum also has no relationship with her MIL and my DP has told me before they don’t speak so I guess it’s not an important relationship for her.

YABU. I only chat to my MIL when me and DP go and visit her. We aren’t even FB friends 😂

That makes me feel better 😂 obviously I’m expecting too much

I don’t think you are being unreasonable if you’ve tried to form a relationship and she’s not interested. It’s unfortunate.
The only positive is that you’ve learned about her lack of interest and not to be surprised if she doesn’t take much interest in her future grandchildren. I remember how dejected I felt when I was popping in for cups of coffee, sending photos of her grandchild, inviting her round to our house and out for lunch with my mum etc to find out she never bothered saving my phone number or came round to visit her grandson once despite being repeatedly told that she is always welcome. Her loss. My partner felt so let down by her lack of interest as well.
It’s also a positive that your partner picks up on it.
Better to focus on the people in your life who chose to be involved and want to know what’s going on with you.

I had a lovely friendship and relationship with my own MIL that really started once I'd split up with her son.

I find it hard to be friends with someone you cannot afford to dislike or fall out with, as is the case in MIL-DIL relationships.

OP, weddings are not a massive landmark for everyone. I certainly didn't expect my MIL to get excited about it and wanting to know all the details. It would actually have driven me insane.

Maybe she thought she was being avoid MIL to be by not getting involved. Yet you reward her by excluding her from the wedding? That is so out of order. I actually feel sorry for her.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but by all accounts you shouldn't want a relationship with her because she's fairly dismissive and self involved.

You want a nice friendly relationship with your MIL. You are never going to have this. If you pursue her for a close relationship, you'll be on here in a couple of years giving out about her being overbearing.

Some people aren't very nice and you can't change them. It took me nearly 40 years to figure that out and my life is a lot more peaceful for it.

Sounds like she just isn’t particularly interested in the ins and outs of your life. I can understand you wanting a nice relationship with her but that clearly isn’t happening.

I don’t think either of you are out of line. I just think you have different expectations from the relationship. Sounds like you are disappointed she is not what you expected in a MIl.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting a relationship with her but it looks like that just isn’t going to happen, for whatever reason.
The fact they live abroad doesn’t help. No meeting for coffee or a shopping day or whatever, which is a shame but from what you’ve said, she probably wouldn’t have been up for anyway.
My MIL didn’t ask a thing about the arrangements for our wedding. Apart from if I’d ordered button holes and was I paying for them?!
I’m sorry you’re not going to get the relationship you hoped for.

It’s not just about the wedding , I used that as an example but it’s basically no interest in anything going on in our lives. Including my partner. He doesn’t even tell them if he gets a promotion for example because she will say something like oh that’s nice, we’ve just had x y or z happen at work. Her instant reaction is to compare what you say to something in her life and not engage with what you’ve just said. It’s just comes across as no lack of interest.

That's just who she is, it sounds like. It's not really about you. She doesn't sound especially awful, just a bit self-absorbed and not the kind to bond with too many others.

In my experience you can't force a personal bond with someone just because they're family or DP's family. You either click or you don't click. If the latter, it'll just be a pleasantly polite relationship and you know what, it could be a lot worse than that!

If after 5 years as a couple the future MIL has shown no interest in deepening your relationship, I'd give up. Have the wedding you want, in the way you want at the time you want. Invest in each other.

Ha. You should've jumping for joy and think yourself lucky that you don't have the other type of MIL!

Did you see the thread the other day about the MIL wanting to sleep in her DIL and DS bed with them to help with night feeds? Or the one about the MIL wanting to live with her DS forever and treats him like her husband?

All families are different
Friend often has mass holidays with aunts uncles brothers sisters and all waifs and strays
My family would never go on holiday together - mum takes Nan sometimes

My mum didn’t ask about the wedding either, just rocked up danced the night away. I’m not sure she’d have been that interested in the details. Date. Time sorted.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, but it’s better than someone who’s over bearing and poking their nose in every five minuets

On friend spent two years talking about every detail of her wedding - every detail - nobody cares!!

Glad when that one was over and she returned to ‘normal’ apart from the 9 months baby talk!

@FlatEarthling

This is the sort of Mother In Law I aim to be.

I don't like weddings, they are a total waste of time and money.
Just get married, don't make a fuss.

As long as my child loves their partner and that person is a good person who loves my child wholeheartedly that's enough for me.
They are adults they don't need me looking over their shoulder.

Amen to that, Sister!

EastStreet, if you really want to engage your MIL, ask her for help or advice. "Say MIL, my DP is always talking about your delicious (insert name of dish here). Could you tell me how you make it? Then make sure your DP mentions in a Face chat that you did make it and it wasn't as good as mom's.

My relationship with my MIL is also through my DH mainly, I occasionally talk to her on the phone or exchange messages. She is a kind person but a bit suffocating so it's probably best like this
Sounds like you wanted a lot more from your MIL, she does sound quite selfish so I think you're probably best leaving that be. I would concentrate on your FIL, I expect he'd be okay with hearing about a few wedding details and yours and DH lives going forward. This is the relationship I'd put my effort into.

YABU
Everything Triffid1 said on P1.

It isn't really easy to 'be friendly with' people you haven't even met.
Two of my adult dc have long term partners. One couple is local (and indeed has lived here for a number of months). The other couple live about 3.5 hours drive away and I've only met her a handful of times, and those times have been quite brief (say, at a meal or a party). It might appear that I am not very close to that partner, but it isn't personal, I just haven't had the chance to get to know her. It is difficult to "chat" to someone you don't have a relationship with in the same way as you do with someone you do know in real life.

I think you'll regret 'choosing to get married now without them because they aren't interested'. That is really unkind.

[quote Eaststreet]@FlatEarthling we are now getting married at a register office and not making a fuss and her response to this was to ban all the rest of my DP’s family from attending who live in the UK. As she didn’t want to be the only one to miss out.
She would rather he had nobody there on the day from his side of the family than her miss out and everyone else be without her.
To me that is just thinking of herself and not about her son at all.[/quote]
This, I think, makes it very clear that your MIL is very self centred and isn't interested in a relationship with you.

She's not interested in your wedding because it isn't about her, but doesn't want to be the only one mssing out, so would rather have her DS/your OH miss out on family at the wedding just because she isnt there? Not much of a mother, there, is she?

If I were told I couldn't attend a family wedding because the mother couldn't be there, I'd ignore that and attend anyway.

You seem to have a relationship building with your FIL, nurture that instead.

Maybe she's a bit sad that she lives overseas and because of covid has been unable to develop a relationship with her DS's fiancée? Maybe she's not confident or comfortable on FaceTime? Maybe she feels jealous relationship her SIL apparently has with his ILs? Maybe she's hurt that covid meant it'd be difficult for her to attend the planned wedding last year, and that you've organised another date that she can't attend? Maybe she thinks she's upset you in some way to make you not take part in calls but doesn't have the courage to make amends.

I'm. It saying any of these 'maybes' are reasonable. But they'd be quite normal reactions. She possibly feels excluded and unwanted. I know you've reached out to her to build a friendship. But it's bloody hard to do that with someone you don't know over a call and from a different country.

I think it's unfair to compare your fiancés relationship with your parents to the one you have with his DM. Geography makes it very different.

• I'm not saying ...

From the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like she's that interested in her own son either, so I wouldn't take it personally. It's obviously just the way she is, it's not anything about you in particular, she's generally not that bothered.
Which is a shame, as you would like more of a relationship, but not sure you can do anything to change her.

It sounds like she's just self-obsessed to be honest so I don't think you can do much about it.

Hmm I think this sounds fairly normal. My MIL isn't interested in me at all. She's interested in her son and grandchildren. She's perfectly friendly when we meet, but I just don't think she sees me as a person in my own right.
My own parents don't really have much of a personal relationship with my partner either - they get on well but don't have each others' numbers etc.
Of course it would be great if in laws could be good friends too, but it's probably fairly unusual. Expecting interest in your wedding is unreasonable. You should not exclude them though.