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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think counsellor was intrusive/inappropriate?

73 replies

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 13:06

I'm having bereavement counselling after losing my partner 5 months ago. It's done over the phone because of Covid.

At the first session, the counsellor asked where I live and I gave the name of the town. He said he knew the town, and asked which part, so I gave the name of the general area. He then told me that he'd had a client who lived in X street, in this area, and asked what street I lived in. I was a bit uncomfortable with this, but told him the name of my road almost as a kneejerk thing.

At the second session, he then told me that he'd looked on a map and knew exactly where I lived, and started talking about the view from up here and how I must be able to see X, Y and Z. This felt really intrusive and weirded me out a bit. The idea of someone who, in current circumstances, would never see me in RL, looking up on a map to see where I lived seemed almost a bit ... well, stalkerish really. But I'm also aware that I'm unusually vulnerable because I'm grieving.

I also don't see how knowing exactly where I live is relevant to working on my bereavement issues. If it was small talk aimed at putting me at ease, it's done exactly the opposite. And I feel like I don't want to continue being counselled by this man.

AIBU to think these questions were inappropriate? I'm trying to decide if I should ask for a change of counsellor.

Voting: YABU: his behaviour's fine/YANBU: his behaviour's inappropriate

OP posts:

steff13 · 02/04/2021 13:09

His behavior is creepy, and I can't think it was appropriate to discuss another client in any context.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 02/04/2021 13:12

Absolutely inappropriate. How did you find this particular counsellor? Have you checked if they’re a member of the regulatory body? If so, I’d complain and immediately cease the sessions and find someone else.

Wellpark · 02/04/2021 13:12

So weird!!! Inappropriate doesn't cover it. Get a different counsellor.

Spied · 02/04/2021 13:14

It's inappropriate.
I'd definitely ask to change and tell them why.
It's up to you who you speak to.

Geamhradh · 02/04/2021 13:15

Some of these bereavement counsellors are weird. When my stepfather died, I accompanied my mother to the hospital and she was greeted by a "bereavement counsellors" who harangued her to go and see her husband- she didn't want to but gave in eventually, and was like some clown (literally, red and yellow spotty bow tie)
I'm sorry for your loss and agree you should find someone else.

Original poster

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 13:15

Thank you all.

The GP gave me the number for the counselling, which is provided by a well-known organisation that provides support in dealing with bereavement.

OP posts:

PyjamaFan · 02/04/2021 13:16

This is so wrong.

Is the counsellor definitely qualified and registered? I'm asking as they are breaking fundamental counselling rules.

BringMeTea · 02/04/2021 13:16

MASSIVELY inappropriate!! Get rid of this weirdo.

scaredsadandstuck · 02/04/2021 13:19

This seems very intrusive, very odd and creepy. Contact the charity that is providing the counsellor and tell them exactly what happened and ask them to provide someone else.

SingToTheSky · 02/04/2021 13:21

Bloody hell! I can’t believe you found this guy through a GP, that’s worrying - total lack of boundaries both for you and this other client. Please speak to the organisation about this, there’s no way they’d allow it if they knew.

So sorry for your loss, awful enough to deal with that without having someone you are meant to trust acting so inappropriately :(

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 02/04/2021 13:23

Sooo inappropriate! And why on earth is he telling you where his other clients live?! Surely that breaches all sorts of laws? Even without a specific address

ThereforeIAm · 02/04/2021 13:24

I had to give my address and contact details and next of kin details when I had counselling so I don’t think the fact he knows your address is odd in itself.

The comments about the other client are very unprofessional.

Sarahlou63 · 02/04/2021 13:26

You should report him - there's absolutely no valid reason for him to look for this information and the questioning and intrusion is totally inappropriate.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/04/2021 13:29

Sadly there are some creepy men out there that prey on widows, I have had my fair share of it since losing my DH.

What you describe sounds completely inappropriate, you need to make your concerns heard further up the chain to protect both yourself and other vulnerable widows.

Nonmaquillee · 02/04/2021 13:31

Totally unacceptable and inappropriate.

jendifer · 02/04/2021 13:34

Are they accredited to BACP or UKCP? You can look on the websites to check if the counsellor hasn’t told you.

I’d ask for a different person to see. Therapy and counselling is fundamentally about the relationship between the therapist/counsellor and the client so if that isn’t working then let them know and ask to see someone else/refer to another organisation.

trunumber · 02/04/2021 13:34

Cancel sessions and I would tell your GP.

It's fine to ask your address (although truthfully my telephone therapist has no idea where I live and I've had sessions with her for years) if he wanted to manage risk for example but the discussion should have gone "I need to take your address for my records" which isn't what he did

Telling you about another client is wildly inappropriate. Find someone else
(Ps I am therapist)

LaurieFairyCake · 02/04/2021 13:37

If it's Cruse they're not fully trained counsellors - they may be on placement

I would let the office know that their counsellors are being inappropriate

ittakes2 · 02/04/2021 13:41

So sorry for your loss and that you have very sensibly sought counselling and this jerk is making you question your treatment. Having had many wonderful therapists myself - you must always trust your instincts about what is right for you. This man has not only crossed a line - he has leaped over the line using a pole for extra height. If you counselling is on the NHS - ring them and they will offer you a different counsellor. My first NHS counsellor was not only wonderful but very professional. He once went on holiday and came back with a wedding ring and never even mentioned to me he was getting married. But my counsellor after that for some bizarre reason would tell me all his personal details - by session 3 I knew which village he lived in, what car he drove, his relationship status and many other things. I even said to him I felt uncomfortable with him sharing his personal details but he just told me he did this as a way of getting his clients to relate to him. He left abruptly and when I explained to his replacement I felt uncomfortable with the previous therapist - this new therapist explained to me there was no way personal details at this level should be shared between therapist and client. So please trust your instincts and find someone else. Good luck with your therapy journey.

Original poster

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 13:43

@ThereforeIAm

I had to give my address and contact details and next of kin details when I had counselling so I don’t think the fact he knows your address is odd in itself.

The comments about the other client are very unprofessional.

He didn't know my address afaik, and I don't think I had to give it when I referred myself.

If he'd known, he wouldn't have asked 3 separate questions (my answers were name of town, then he asked what part of town, then he asked for the street name).

I got the impression that in normal times, he visited people in their home to counsel them. And whoever the client who lives in this area is, I don't have any idea where they actually live, and there are a few hundred houses up here, so little chance of working it out.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 13:45

Very creepy.
Very intrusive.
Extremely inappropriate.

Definitely tell your GP.

Nitpickpicnic · 02/04/2021 13:46

Don’t let this stop you seeking help. It’s normal to have to research and contact 2 or 3 therapists even if you go through trusted recommendations. Yes this guy is weird. Yes you report this fact to your GP (who will be horrified on the basic facts you’ve given) and contact any other registration agencies you feel you must.

But persevere on your journey. The right therapist for you, who can transform your life and give you vital skills for the future, is available nearby. I mean, give it some extra effort. More than you would if your kitchen tap was dripping incessantly and the first plumber you called gave you dodgy advice, right?

Also, don’t assume that phone or video counselling (for Covid, or any reason) is a second rate option. It actually can be just as good or better for loads of people. Making a good connection is key, and now at least you know what you’re looking for. Your low benchmark is set!

Original poster

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 13:47

@jendifer

Are they accredited to BACP or UKCP? You can look on the websites to check if the counsellor hasn’t told you.

All I know about him is his first name, @jendifer, so I can't look him up.

I'll go online and report this, and ask for a change of counsellor, I think. And I think this is an issue that should be raised with his supervisor (a friend is a counsellor and she has regular contact with a supervisor).

I'm so relieved, I thought I might be being hypersensitive and wussy.

OP posts:

EnidPrunehat · 02/04/2021 13:48

His behaviour is massively inappropriate. Definitely ask for a different counsellor and say why.

However, from experience after my DH died, it occurred to me that there were some odd - and not always competent - versions of help available. I've not forgotten having to explain, repeatedly, why I wasn't angry with him for dying despite what her list of Emotions That The Bereaved Must Go Through claimed.

Original poster

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 13:49

@LaurieFairyCake

If it's Cruse they're not fully trained counsellors - they may be on placement

I would let the office know that their counsellors are being inappropriate

That's interesting. And I will definitely be speaking to them on Tuesday.

OP posts:

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