To think counsellor was intrusive/inappropriate?

[LakieLady]

I'm having bereavement counselling after losing my partner 5 months ago. It's done over the phone because of Covid.

At the first session, the counsellor asked where I live and I gave the name of the town. He said he knew the town, and asked which part, so I gave the name of the general area. He then told me that he'd had a client who lived in X street, in this area, and asked what street I lived in. I was a bit uncomfortable with this, but told him the name of my road almost as a kneejerk thing.

At the second session, he then told me that he'd looked on a map and knew exactly where I lived, and started talking about the view from up here and how I must be able to see X, Y and Z. This felt really intrusive and weirded me out a bit. The idea of someone who, in current circumstances, would never see me in RL, looking up on a map to see where I lived seemed almost a bit ... well, stalkerish really. But I'm also aware that I'm unusually vulnerable because I'm grieving.

I also don't see how knowing exactly where I live is relevant to working on my bereavement issues. If it was small talk aimed at putting me at ease, it's done exactly the opposite. And I feel like I don't want to continue being counselled by this man.

AIBU to think these questions were inappropriate? I'm trying to decide if I should ask for a change of counsellor.

Voting: YABU: his behaviour's fine/YANBU: his behaviour's inappropriate

BACP should be told about this as totally inappropriate.

Totally inappropriate and it would have freaked me out, too. (I have PTSD as a result of childhood SA.) So I agree that you should report him.

Quite apart from the inappropriateness, it’s really important to have a therapist who you feel comfortable with.

@jendifer

Are they accredited to BACP or UKCP? You can look on the websites to check if the counsellor hasn’t told you.

I’d ask for a different person to see. Therapy and counselling is fundamentally about the relationship between the therapist/counsellor and the client so if that isn’t working then let them know and ask to see someone else/refer to another organisation.

Just because a counsellor is ‘accredited’ doesn’t automatically make them good or ethical! OP please report this person as he is completely out of line and liable to cause more harm than good. Unfortunately counsellor is not a protected title and as such anyone can call themselves and practice! But please don’t let that put you off, look on the BACP website or ask friends or family etc for recommendations, a good therapist will signpost you if they are not experienced enough or they are not qualified to help you.

@LakieLady

Thanks again, you've all been very helpful and supportive. When your head's all over the place and you're not feeling entirely rational, it's hard to trust your own judgment.

I've emailed both the local groups, explaining what went on and asking them to cancel next week's appointment and will ring them on Tuesday to make sure that that happens. I've also asked for his supervisor to be made aware, so that it can be discussed in his supervision.

Thanks again.

As a counsellor myself, this is totally wrong. I have clients I see on zoom. I know what city they are in and that’s it.
Don’t continue ever with a therapist that makes you uncomfortable. If there’s no professional relationship there is no help in it.
Find someone else. A client has to choose who they see. Vote with your (virtual) legs and stop.

I don't know his surname or where he is based. I don't even know his phone number, as it came up "unknown" when he rang for our appointments.

You have already been given good advice by other posters and taken appropriate action, so I won't repeat that

I just want to add that as someone who works in mental health services that during the pandemic I have at times worked from home - mainly admin work that I don't need to go to my site to do. On rare occasions I have had to phone a patient from home and I always block my number. I don't have a work phone and I don't need patients having access to my personal numbers. Colleagues would do the same. I don't see the private number in and off itself as being a red flag. Patients I call do however know my full name and work site and there is a work number with voicemail I can access remotely if they need to contact me, in addition to other means of leaving messages. I do have access to patients' addresses as it is part of the health care record but I appreciate your situation with a counselor is different there.

Yes, not all Cruse ‘counsellors’ are qualified, which is not to say there aren’t great people who volunteer for the organisation. The behaviour you describe is really unsettling and I can’t think of any therapeutic value in asking those questions. If he thought you might be best friends with an existing client, that could be a conflict in counselling you, but he’s gone the wrong way about addressing it, if so, and the questions are intrusive. Do report this; it’s an abuse of power and he’s working with people who feel especially vulnerable.

Even someone on placement should know better than this!!
I'm sorry for your loss OP. Hope you can find a more professional counsellor soon.

If you didn't give your address, I'm wondering if he was a bit worried about you and anticipating what would happen if he had to call an ambulance.

My counsellor didn't even know my last name for months because I was so scared I'd be sectioned and I know this was something that really preyed on his mind. He used to push for any bit of info that might help him get to me in an emergency.

If there was a legitimate reason to take an address, he could have explained that.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

If you didn't give your address, I'm wondering if he was a bit worried about you and anticipating what would happen if he had to call an ambulance.

My counsellor didn't even know my last name for months because I was so scared I'd be sectioned and I know this was something that really preyed on his mind. He used to push for any bit of info that might help him get to me in an emergency.

Sorry that things were so bad for you @nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut.

Thankfully I'm not at any risk of harming myself or in a state of mind where sectioning was required, thankfully (my clients are all referred by MH services and I'm trained in identifying people who may be at risk) so there would be no reason for him to want that information.

The organisation has my name and date of birth, and they know which GP practice referred me, so they could easily find out where I live if they needed to.

I have to say, I'm shocked that the organisation is using people with so little training and experience to counsel people who are bereaved. I know of other counselling services that are NHS funded and provided by charities, but take self-referrals. None of them take on counsellors that aren't approved by BACUP or similar.

My friend takes clients from one of these organisations, and she had to be registered and have a professional qualification. She's done a degree and a masters and is qualified as a counsellor and a psychotherapist. She's really boundaried.

In that case I really don't see the benefit of that conversation and would ask him about it directly and if not satisfied with the explanation, speak to his organisation.

This is totally inappropriate. You need to tell your GO straight away and then write to the practice manager. This guy needs to be struck off. Why is he asking you these questions when he’s supposed to be counselling you?

GP

@TheOldRazzleDazzle I’m so sorry you had that experience! Some people really do go into this job for all the wrong reasons :(

"My counsellor didn't even know my last name for months because I was so scared I'd be sectioned and I know this was something that really preyed on his mind. He used to push for any bit of info that might help him get to me in an emergency."

My counsellor had to get my GP's details in case they had to contact me. She admitted herself that this was silly because if she had serious concerns she'd call 999 anyway. It was just a generic form for every client.

Counsellors very so much. Some seem to have few boundaries and others are very professional. I’d be very careful who you see and check their qualifications. Some counsellors have had no personal therapy and poor training, sadly.

Vary

@SingToTheSky - thanks. Didn’t realise until this thread how upset this still makes me.

I won’t say any more, because this is op’s thread, except to say that qualifications are a starting point, not the be all and end all. Unfortunately, my situation involved an NHS psychologist in training. I would really just like to share this with everyone: you can leave a therapist who makes you feel uncomfortable or ‘wrong’ or who you just aren’t making progress with. For any reason - or none. You don’t have to justify it.

@Gwenhwyfar if he had pushed me to fill a form out, I'd have bolted. Even now he still doesn't have my GP details or my address.

Please please please feed this back to the Cruse office.

I'm a BV (Bereavement volunteer) with them and this is 100% something that needs bringing up.

He's broken the confidentiality rule and crossed a serious boundary.

You are absolutely more than justified in asking for a new BV. And there shouldn't be an issue with you getting the full 6 sessions with them given the circumstances.

Many volunteers are not counsellors but a huge majority are trained or training towards their qualification.

Poster above is correct in saying that training periods are significantly shorter but they are very thorough and intense. Also can be externally accredited and supervision and continuous training is mandatory.

If you want to know anything specific and don't want to post here please just PM me and I'll help wherever I can.

[quote nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]@Gwenhwyfar if he had pushed me to fill a form out, I'd have bolted. Even now he still doesn't have my GP details or my address.[/quote]
Yet, every GP and hospital you've ever been to have your contact details, visible on your appointment letters, etc. that lots of people can see.

@Gwenhwyfar. Yes that's why I never go to my GP about my mental health. I saw them to request medication and saw a psychiatrist to get it prescribed and as far as they know I am now fine. I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. I know it must seem illogical and silly but if I was thinking straight, I wouldn't need help.