To think counsellor was intrusive/inappropriate?

[LakieLady]

I'm having bereavement counselling after losing my partner 5 months ago. It's done over the phone because of Covid.

At the first session, the counsellor asked where I live and I gave the name of the town. He said he knew the town, and asked which part, so I gave the name of the general area. He then told me that he'd had a client who lived in X street, in this area, and asked what street I lived in. I was a bit uncomfortable with this, but told him the name of my road almost as a kneejerk thing.

At the second session, he then told me that he'd looked on a map and knew exactly where I lived, and started talking about the view from up here and how I must be able to see X, Y and Z. This felt really intrusive and weirded me out a bit. The idea of someone who, in current circumstances, would never see me in RL, looking up on a map to see where I lived seemed almost a bit ... well, stalkerish really. But I'm also aware that I'm unusually vulnerable because I'm grieving.

I also don't see how knowing exactly where I live is relevant to working on my bereavement issues. If it was small talk aimed at putting me at ease, it's done exactly the opposite. And I feel like I don't want to continue being counselled by this man.

AIBU to think these questions were inappropriate? I'm trying to decide if I should ask for a change of counsellor.

Voting: YABU: his behaviour's fine/YANBU: his behaviour's inappropriate

Op yanbu but even if you were the most important thing is that you feel completely comfortable with your counsellor.

I am having counselling at the moment and after one session I had a really bad feeling. Immediately asked to swap and I now have a wonderful counsellor I feel really safe with

Please do stop seeing him

Well done OP. You are definitely not wussy or hypersensitive - you had an instinct and trusted it enough to ask for advice. That’s a really good thing and by reporting it you could prevent other people having their boundaries trampled too - that’s great 💐 I hope the organisation take your report seriously.

I will definitely ask for someone else, @Nitpickpicnic, but there's only funding for 6 sessions and I've now had 2. I also had had 6 sessions with another counsellor through the employee assisance programme through work, but again, that's capped at 6. Their counsellor was fantastic, she really helped me a lot.

I don't have any issues with it being over the phone, I work with clients with mental health issues myself and am used to doing assessments and drawing out information over the phone. That's partly why I was so unsure if it was weird, because I only really knew that I wouldn't ask that sort of question of a client. In some ways, I think people are more focussed when things are done over the phone and less inclined to judge.

Anybody can say they are a counsellor, so be very careful.

Christ he’ll be driving down your road next, if he hasn’t already. That’s massively inappropriate. He sounds like a potential stalker. I would definitely change to someone else.

If it's Cruse they have support volunteers. The volunteers have 3 months training approx . It is no where near the same amount of basic training a counsellor ( 4.5yrs training ) has.

Some of their volunteers might be at different stages of their counsellor training or not even training .

Trainee counsellors in their 4th year will be deemed proficient to work with clients and will be working at a deeper depth than cruse volunteer supporters .

If you get someone on 'placement' they will have fulfilled this criteria .

Equally the volunteers don't have to had any other training other than the basic training cruse provides .

A volunteer should not be asking you these things , they are intrusive and cross the boundary and they definitely do not meet the ethical framework they should be adhering to .

Absolutely flag this up and ask to speak with a different volunteer.

I've not forgotten having to explain, repeatedly, why I wasn't angry with him for dying despite what her list of Emotions That The Bereaved Must Go Through claimed

Lol, @EnidPrunehat, this guy seemed almost disappointed that I wasn't angry with DP for dying, like it strayed from his Ladybird Book of Bereavement. (I'm cross with DP for not going to the doctor weeks earlier, and for smoking and lying about how much he smoked, but not for dying. He wouldn't have wanted to die, ffs. Quite the opposite, tbh, he'd have done his damnedest to avoid it, as his vile ex picked up £100k from the life insurance she continued to pay for after they split up. He'd be furious if he knew!)

NHS senior manager here. Report that counsellor. Its totally inappropriate.

@ThereforeIAm

I had to give my address and contact details and next of kin details when I had counselling so I don’t think the fact he knows your address is odd in itself.

The comments about the other client are very unprofessional.

Exactly. I even had a counsellor come to my place so she obviously knew where I lived. Where you live is a pretty big part of your life. I can't imagine having counselling and having to hide it tbh.

He didn't give out any identifying information about the other client so unless each street in the area only has one house on it, you're not going to know who it is.

Trainee counsellor here (entering my final term completing 4 years of training). This is completely inappropriate and unethical. Please complain to the service manager.

I'd contact the counselling service that arranged his contact with you,and make a formal complaint.

@neonjumper, that's awful! Our housing support workers get more training than that before they "fly solo", and they're not handling anything anywhere near as sensitive.

I had no idea that I may be being "counselled" by someone who's could have had less training in dealing with people who are vulnerable than I have.

That explains a lot, like why he keeps telling me that it's early days and it takes a long time, like I didn't fucking well know that. Nothing like the woman I had six sessions with, who was brilliant, and explained why some things make me feel like I do and strategies to "unblock" the stuck grief.

She made more difference after 1 session than this guy has after 2. In fact, he's made things worse, because he's made me feel more alone and more vulnerable. @Chooseausernamenow said exactly what I've been feeling - he could be driving past my house!

I think I'll contact the organisation through their website, but follow it up with a phone call on Tuesday.

Counsellors are fallible like the rest of us.

I hope you find someone who can guide you through your grief and that you feel comfortable talking to.

You could look at BACP/UKCP by postcode and see if he is registered there - you’d need the postcode of the place he is based from and then can search by name. I agree with others though- Cruse aren’t trained in the same way. Counsellor and therapist aren’t protected titles so anyone can do a six week course and call themselves it

Creepy and inappropriate. Change counsellor and make a complaint too.

@LadyLolaRuben

NHS senior manager here. Report that counsellor. Its totally inappropriate.

Yes, every GP and hospital you go to in the NHS has your address!

Yes, it's inappropriate and I think you've made the right decision.

I wonder if your company would accept a rereferral to the EAP? I work under an EAP contract and have had quite a few clients who were rereferrals and representations and returned to me for further sessions.

@ilovesooty

Yes, it's inappropriate and I think you've made the right decision.

I wonder if your company would accept a rereferral to the EAP? I work under an EAP contract and have had quite a few clients who were rereferrals and representations and returned to me for further sessions.

That's a good point. I'll speak to my manager when I have supervision on Tuesday, and see if she knows.

I rather suspect that our contract with the EAP provider is for 6 sessions per employee, but it's definitely worth a try. The counsellor from their service was excellent, and I was just starting to feel I was getting somewhere by the last session.

@jendifer

You could look at BACP/UKCP by postcode and see if he is registered there - you’d need the postcode of the place he is based from and then can search by name. I agree with others though- Cruse aren’t trained in the same way. Counsellor and therapist aren’t protected titles so anyone can do a six week course and call themselves it

I don't know his surname or where he is based. I don't even know his phone number, as it came up "unknown" when he rang for our appointments.

If he's supplied via Cruse he may not have any qualifications at all - he simply has completed the Bereavement Support Foundation course.

Report him urgently.

@LakieLady your manager could certainly ask Occupational Health. Nothing to lose there. In my experience you could ask to return to the same counsellor, if she's still available.

Sorry for your loss OP. YANBU at all, that is very weird.

Thanks again, you've all been very helpful and supportive. When your head's all over the place and you're not feeling entirely rational, it's hard to trust your own judgment.

I've emailed both the local groups, explaining what went on and asking them to cancel next week's appointment and will ring them on Tuesday to make sure that that happens. I've also asked for his supervisor to be made aware, so that it can be discussed in his supervision.

Thanks again.

Yes to both points made by pps: very inappropriate, but even if it wasn’t, a good therapeutic relationship with the counsellor is essential. I have a very good counsellor now, and she made it very clear that I should consider the first session as a trial and that I should only continue if it felt right. Other counsellors were available, etc.

I have seen a number of counsellors over the years. Most good, a couple great, and one disaster I sincerely regret not complaining about. She talked about herself a lot, was often emotional, dismissed things I said and then abruptly left, saying in the last session she was being bullied by colleagues (if there was any bullying, I’m inclined to believe she was the bully - she also said she felt afraid of me after I became upset in one session, which was upsetting at the time but in hindsight feels more like gaslighting!). In my case it was a couples counsellor and she did tremendous damage as to this day my DH (who has no other experience of counselling) thinks I just didn’t like her because she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. Whereas i don’t really expect to ‘hear’ much. Current counsellor certainly isn’t judging and weighing in with personal views and anecdotes all the time.

Years later I wish I’d trusted my instinct and at least stopped seeing this person. You must find someone else who you are comfortable with so you can start benefiting from therapy - good counselling and bad are night and day in their long-term effectiveness and also how they leave you feeling.

Just read your update, op - definitely the right thing to have done. Best of luck with finding someone good.