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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding drama

59 replies

donutqueen · 02/04/2021 07:01

A lovely friend of mine has recently asked me to be her bridesmaid and I was honoured to be asked. When I accepted, she said that she wanted to go away for a weekend for the bridesmaids to meet each other properly and for us all to spend some tome together. Fine, sounded good. However, problems have arisen because the bride and the other bridesmaids have really good jobs and are in a completely different financial situation to me. I am a stay at home mum and my husband is self employed and was one of those people who fell through the gap for Covid-19 support from the government. We have also just moved house into a doer upper in order to get into a good catchment zone for schools. When the hotel suggestion for the bridesmaid weekend away came through, it was very expensive and I had to be honest and say that I couldn't afford it. I think this upset my friend, but she was ok in the end. Eventually, as I felt so bad, I found a deal at the same hotel for one of the two nights and have booked that in order to spend the night with them. However, now I have just reveived the plans fot the hen do and it is almost £1000 for 2 nights in a michelin starred hotel. This is just way out of my range on top of the accommodation for the bridesmaid weekend and accommodation for the wedding itself which is at the other end of the country from where I live, plus gifts and paying for bridesmaid make up etc. I've been to quite a few hen dos in the past and they've all been in reasonably priced airbnbs or hotels, but this one is likely to be a real issue for me. I don't know what on earth I am going to to. My friend should obviously have the hen do she wants, but I just can't justify or afford this type of expenditure with my husband's work situation and all the work to make our new house liveable. What do I do?

OP posts:

mdinbc · 02/04/2021 07:07

You could gracefully decline to be a bridesmaid. You haven't said when or where the wedding is, but it will involve more cost. Dress, shoes, hair and makeup is usually at the bridesmaid's own cost. It sounds like she has expensive taste, and you are rightfully looking at the bigger picture.

drpet49 · 02/04/2021 07:11

I find hen parties so grabby. £1000??? Tell her you can’t afford it.

toomuchfaster · 02/04/2021 07:13

Talk to her!!! FFS, if she asked you to be her bridesmaid, you must be quite close. I am sure she will understand that you simply can't afford to be her bridesmaid and accept you declining. lf she kicks off, bullet dodged!

Liverbird77 · 02/04/2021 07:14

This sounds utterly ridiculous. Bridesmaid weekend plus hen do? Plus expensive wedding out of area? I'd be declining all of it.
Yes, she's entitled to whatever she wants but, if she's truly a friend, she should know your financial situation.

AllTheCakes · 02/04/2021 07:16

Just tell her you can’t afford it. She just know you can’t afford £1k to go on her hen do, unless she is so up herself she can’t see that.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/04/2021 07:16

Be honest- you have other financial commitments. I hate weddings and hen do's that cost the guests ridiculous amounts of money , that's not what getting married should be about !

Chocolatefordinner · 02/04/2021 07:17

Absolutely do not feel guilty about this please. You have your own family who are your priority. Yes she has a right to her own hen do but she also has a duty as a good friend to accept all her friends could be in a different situation. A kind person would be mortified to know they had made someone feel awkward about not being able to afford it.

Is there a possibility of meeting up for a meal before the wedding all together?

GreenLeafTurnip · 02/04/2021 07:19

I really don't understand why you can't just say sorry I can't afford it. You are a mother and presumably that means a grown up? Stop being a door mat and making a mountain out of a mole hill.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/04/2021 07:21

I wonder if you need to quit while you're ahead. It sounds like it's going to be one of those commitments where the costs just keep coming.

Are you and the other bridesmaids local? I had mostly non-local people in my wedding party, wonderful people and friends but it did make things difficult and expensive with all the travelling.

seven201 · 02/04/2021 07:21

Good grief. She is so thoughtless! It makes me wonder if she's a good friend or not? I've only ever been to or helped plan hen dos where it's always said "we'll try and keep the costs as low as we can" etc. Please stand up for yourself and say you can't afford it. If she cares that much she'll change her plans or offer to pay for your part.

JulesM73 · 02/04/2021 07:21

Jesus I feel for you. I hate this hen/stag weekend (week) away trend which now exists. I might be a miserable old cow but I find wedding days enough to celebrate someone’s special day but to then have a whole week or few days all about it just feels way too much. The costs are ridiculous too and put pressure on those who aren’t in as good a financial position than others.
I would politely decline the weekend away/hen do and see what she says. If she thinks that much of you she will still want you to be a bridesmaid if she kicks off then as someone else has already said you have dodged a bullet.
In these times you should absolutely prioritise your family without feeling guilty.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 02/04/2021 07:23

Just be honest with her and also offer to step down as bridesmaid if she would prefer, with no hard feelings.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 02/04/2021 07:23

I'd also bow out now, the costs will spiral & the fact that 'eventually' she was ok with you not spending a.fortune on her chosen hotel for her chosen. Reason suggests you will probably end up falling out with her down the line.

HeronLanyon · 02/04/2021 07:24

Talk to her - alone not the whole group.
Be honest. Tell her you’ve thought all around it and just can’t make it work at all. That you are so happy she asked you to be bm. As bride you’ll completely understand is she needs a rethink about anything at all.

Etc etc. IRL you’d just say ‘I can’t make that I just can’t afford it - have fun’. This is not RL. She is a potential bridezilla - as are all brides to be, potentially. She may take offence, do something rash etc etc. So just be gentle but firm - a bit like dealing with some kind of wild animal emergency.

Queenoftheashes · 02/04/2021 07:24

She’s a wanker. I’d never do that to a friend. Are you meant to pay for bride too?

NoGoodPunsLeft · 02/04/2021 07:24

Also have a read of this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4199613-hen-party-abroad?pg=1

user1493413286 · 02/04/2021 07:25

That’s ridiculous; even if I had that amount of money I couldn’t justify it on a weekend. Apart from her and her other bridesmaid can the rest of the people going afford it I wonder. I would suggest you and the bride do something different together and just explain that it’s too much money

Kimye4eva · 02/04/2021 07:26

Does she even know how expensive the hen do is or has another bridesmaid organised it? That’s a ridiculous amount of money.

HeronLanyon · 02/04/2021 07:29

NoGood that thread’s bride (also mil centrally I think) informed my ‘wild animal’ analogy/warning.

eaglejulesk · 02/04/2021 07:31

I don't understand what on earth is wrong with people who think they can organise things like this without a thought about whether those involved can afford it or not. Why should people have to spend a fortune on activities related to someone else's wedding? The world has finally gone mad!

Coachee · 02/04/2021 07:36

Your friend is being incredibly thoughtless - it always surprises me how weddings seem to do this to even the nicest of people.

My hen do was an afternoon tea and a fun (free) activity that a couple of my friends thought up. Some of my friends had limited budgets, some had children to consider, some had travel costs. I’d never have put them in a situation where they would have to spend a lot.

Conversely though, one of my least well-off friends had one of the most expensive hen-dos. She also turned into a thoughtless person for the duration of the wedding planning. I was so shocked as it was totally out of character. It strained our friendship.

As others have said - be honest and say you can’t afford it, politely decline and just see how she reacts. If she’s a decent person she’ll be kind even if she’s disappointed.

HappydaysArehere · 02/04/2021 07:38

This all sounds completely mad and over the top. To be honest if I was to spend that sort of money I would want it to be with dh and not just friends. Tell her you have thought this all out and you just can’t do it as you have to consider the money needed for your new home etc. Any real friend would want her friends to have an enjoyable, comfortable time and not burden them with worry.

HeronLanyon · 02/04/2021 07:45

Can I caution against sharing any details about what your money may in fact be needed for (living eating housing care responsibilities children etc). If a sudden bridezilla situation arises she may think ‘but why are these more important than my hen do ffs?’ You really may not be dealing with someone in their right mind (or much of a mind at all save for wedding stuff). Take care op. Good luck.

Original poster

donutqueen · 02/04/2021 07:47

Thanks for the advice. When I accepted, I did realise that there would be a cost involved, but I never imagined this level of expense! In the past, I've been to hen dos where we have all thrown £150 in the pot and still managed to get a really stylish airbnb or holiday cottage due to the number of us.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2021 07:50

She's meant to be your friend. Talk to her.

Hey Jess that hotel looks amazing but there's absolutely no way I can afford that!
But it's my weeeeeedddddiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!!!!!
I know, and I'm gutted, but there's no way o can afford that. Perhaps you and I and anyone else who can't make it can do something local - how about I organise afternoon tea for the week before"
Etc

Stick to "absolutely cannot afford" and don't elaborate except "life, bills, kids"

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