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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding drama

59 replies

donutqueen · 02/04/2021 07:01

A lovely friend of mine has recently asked me to be her bridesmaid and I was honoured to be asked. When I accepted, she said that she wanted to go away for a weekend for the bridesmaids to meet each other properly and for us all to spend some tome together. Fine, sounded good. However, problems have arisen because the bride and the other bridesmaids have really good jobs and are in a completely different financial situation to me. I am a stay at home mum and my husband is self employed and was one of those people who fell through the gap for Covid-19 support from the government. We have also just moved house into a doer upper in order to get into a good catchment zone for schools. When the hotel suggestion for the bridesmaid weekend away came through, it was very expensive and I had to be honest and say that I couldn't afford it. I think this upset my friend, but she was ok in the end. Eventually, as I felt so bad, I found a deal at the same hotel for one of the two nights and have booked that in order to spend the night with them. However, now I have just reveived the plans fot the hen do and it is almost £1000 for 2 nights in a michelin starred hotel. This is just way out of my range on top of the accommodation for the bridesmaid weekend and accommodation for the wedding itself which is at the other end of the country from where I live, plus gifts and paying for bridesmaid make up etc. I've been to quite a few hen dos in the past and they've all been in reasonably priced airbnbs or hotels, but this one is likely to be a real issue for me. I don't know what on earth I am going to to. My friend should obviously have the hen do she wants, but I just can't justify or afford this type of expenditure with my husband's work situation and all the work to make our new house liveable. What do I do?

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 02/04/2021 07:52

I agree that you need to bow out now. There is nothing shameful about admitting that you can't afford it.

Do not be guilt tripped in to spending money you can't afford or don't have.

DeciduousPerennial · 02/04/2021 07:56

Step down from being bridesmaid with a simple but honest explanation about financials as the reason. What you said at the start of your OP is plenty. At the same offer to help with the wedding in a non-official way, that won’t involve outlay on your part but will be meaningful and useful.

If she’s a proper friend she’ll understand, likely be horrified she’s put in you in awkward position, and may be grateful for your offer of help.
If all she’s bothered about is a set number of people for the optics on the day, and a load of people to fuss over her in a specific way because “it’s her special day and she deserves it” then she might get pissy.

But if she gets pissy, then is she someone you really want in your life all that much anyway?

Rainbowqueeen · 02/04/2021 07:58

I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid weekend away.
Have a chat with the bride. Don’t text. Start by saying how happy you are for her and how you want her to have a wonderful day. Tell her your budget, make it clear it’s for everything wedding related and ask her what she would like you to prioritise out of all the wedding festivities. Tell her she is welcome to take some time to think about it. Finish by saying how much you treasure her friendship. I’d also make it clear you are happy to step down from bridesmaid duties if she prefers (if you feel that would be best.)
Then support her throughout the whole event but maintain your boundaries.

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 07:59

I agree that you should gracefully step down from being a bridesmaid.

And I think the whole wedding thing has got completely out of hand, hen nights that turned into expensive mini-breaks, pre-hen weekends, professional make-up at vast expense (and which normally makes people look weird and overdone), expensive gifts and overnights at bloody castles.

The people who go to weddings are the guests of the bride and groom, it shouldn't cost them shedloads to be part of someone else's special day, schlep to some exotic resort and so on.

sistersnottwins · 02/04/2021 07:59

Just tell her. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know about the type of friend she is.
I also agree that you don't need to explain why you can't afford it, just that you can't. Start explaining and she might start offering her solutions. All of which end up with you feeling guilted into going.

I'm a mumsnet anomaly because I love weddings and hen parties etc but a friend close enough to have me as a bridesmaid would know whether a 1k weekend was beyond me.

As another poster said, does she actually know the cost or has someone else planned it?

Womencanlift · 02/04/2021 08:00

That is ridiculous. Even if I could afford it there is no way I would pay that for a weekend for someone else

I feel lucky that there is no one in my life who would think for a moment that it would be acceptable to expect people to spend that much

Just bow out gracefully and wish them a nice time but unfortunately due to current circumstances that is outside my price range. As another pp says don’t start talking actual numbers as that will end up with a real bridezilla moment

Most importantly don’t feel any guilt at all OP

chaosrabbitland · 02/04/2021 08:05

@pumpkinpie01

Be honest- you have other financial commitments. I hate weddings and hen do's that cost the guests ridiculous amounts of money , that's not what getting married should be about !

Exactly this . If a couple want a huge white wedding that costs a fortune they and they alone should be footing all the costs . It beggars belief that guest's and bridesmaids should have to shell out cash for the sodding honour of being invited !

Walesrecommendations · 02/04/2021 08:09

I think it's really sad that you may have to not be her bridesmaid because of money! I'm getting married and would never jettison someone from being bridesmaid because they couldn't afford the hen do, I'd either make sure it was something they could afford or still have them as bridesmaid even if they couldn't come. Surely bridesmaids are chosen because they're your close friends who you really love and want to be by your side regardless of their bank balance? Or do I live in cloud cuckoo land?

daretodenim · 02/04/2021 08:09

I agree with stepping down as bridesmaid. Explain it's just not something you can afford and you love her and want her to have the best experience. And don't be persuaded back! You're not going to feel good if someone else pays for you or if she radically alters her plans.

Suggest something nice you can do locally and make it special. Or not!

But bridesmaid is not for you.

Abd tbh most people wouldn't be up for, even if they were willing to, paying such a lot for someone else's parties! Is she one of the first of her more wealthy group to get married..?

Lorw · 02/04/2021 08:10

Utterly ridiculous! We are already married but having wedding at end of this year, we are all just going out for a meal for our hen do/stag do all together low cost no fuss, I’ve no interest in any silly expense, just gracefully decline being a bridesmaid, you can still celebrate with her on the day

Original poster

donutqueen · 02/04/2021 08:17

I also find it really sad that I may have to step down as bridesmaid because of money, but I will suggest this. For my own wedding, I knew roughly what situation all of my hen do invitees were in and we just did one fun night away at low cost. I think maybe money is no object for all of the other hens. I just see that type of expenditure, if I could afford it, as something you would reserve for a special weekend away with partner or husband and not a lot of people you barley know, if at all.

OP posts:

LouLou198 · 02/04/2021 08:18

£1000 is a ridiculous amount to pay for a hen party, the weekend away is enough! From experience this is just the start. Couple of years ago I was a bridesmaid, the costs just spiralled, hen party t-shirts, make up, shoes, special dressing gowns etc. I would be honest with her now before formal plans are made.

KateMidd · 02/04/2021 08:20

I would be honest and politely decline. Especially with the situation we have right now.

londongirl12 · 02/04/2021 08:23

I hate the way weddings have got so expensive for all the guests. £1000 for a couple of nights is ridiculous for any normal income person to afford. You could get 2 weeks away for that all inclusive!

Walesrecommendations · 02/04/2021 08:24

@donutqueen I completely agree with you. Has your friend been to all her well off friends weddings? My BIL is in a circle of bankerwanker mates and they all spent similar silly money on each others weddings and stags so it was just expected when each of their turn came round. Unfortunately this included my DP who is neither a banker or rich, and he kind of got sucked into the same paying back mentality, despite not being in their circle of friends.

Original poster

donutqueen · 02/04/2021 08:30

[quote Walesrecommendations]@donutqueen I completely agree with you. Has your friend been to all her well off friends weddings? My BIL is in a circle of bankerwanker mates and they all spent similar silly money on each others weddings and stags so it was just expected when each of their turn came round. Unfortunately this included my DP who is neither a banker or rich, and he kind of got sucked into the same paying back mentality, despite not being in their circle of friends.[/quote]
Yes, I think this may be the situation. I knew my friend was well off, but I didn't realise that all of the wedding party are the same.

OP posts:

maddening · 02/04/2021 08:37

You are having to pay for.ypur makeup?

The whole thing is ridiculous!

PandaFluff · 02/04/2021 08:54

It's her wedding so if that is the Hen do she wants then she is allowed to do it. But she shouldn't kick up a fuss if no one can afford to go. If you are her bridesmaid then presumably you are close enough to be able to tell her you can't afford it and explain how you are worried about the other bridesmaids costs. Why you can't afford it is a bit irrelevant though and I would keep it brief just tell her money is too tight and you can't afford it. A good friend wouldn't need to know all the details you've told us here to stop pressurising you. She might be more understanding than you think once you actually tell her. The hen do isn't a drama yet unless she kicks off.

reprehensibleme · 02/04/2021 09:01

Makes me feel ancient - hen do when I were a lass was meal at an Indian restaurant then off to the local disco. My own was a climb up a mountain (Ben Nevis, not Kilimanjaro!) then dinner in a pub.

CleanAndPaidFor · 02/04/2021 09:04

Me too @reprehensibleme** It makes me a bit sad that the OP has to justify her financial situation and talk about potentially private information because of this kind of nonsense.

firstimemamma · 02/04/2021 09:13

She's being very demanding and unreasonable! Sounds like she's in her own bubble and can't understand other people might struggle to afford the things she can. Also she should definitely be paying for your make-up and anything else she wants you to have on the day.

firstimemamma · 02/04/2021 09:15

£1000 is half our entire wedding budget!

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2021 09:18

I would speak to her, explain your situation and decline. No way would I be able to fork out £1000+ for a hen do. That way at least she knows your situation and if she is a good friend shouldn't resent you.

SecretSpAD · 02/04/2021 09:26

So you haven't actually spoken to your friend, but instead have just come on here to complain about how she doesn't understand a situation she doesn't know anything about?

Or did you just want to read the frothing about how she's entitled, grabby etc from the wedding haters?

How about you call her and talk to her.

Original poster

donutqueen · 02/04/2021 09:42

@SecretSpAD

So you haven't actually spoken to your friend, but instead have just come on here to complain about how she doesn't understand a situation she doesn't know anything about?

Or did you just want to read the frothing about how she's entitled, grabby etc from the wedding haters?

How about you call her and talk to her.

I don't think you read my post. The whole point is that she already knows that I couldn't afford the original expensive bridesmaids weekend away and now an even more expensive hen do is in the offing.

OP posts:

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