Wedding drama

[donutqueen]

A lovely friend of mine has recently asked me to be her bridesmaid and I was honoured to be asked. When I accepted, she said that she wanted to go away for a weekend for the bridesmaids to meet each other properly and for us all to spend some tome together. Fine, sounded good. However, problems have arisen because the bride and the other bridesmaids have really good jobs and are in a completely different financial situation to me. I am a stay at home mum and my husband is self employed and was one of those people who fell through the gap for Covid-19 support from the government. We have also just moved house into a doer upper in order to get into a good catchment zone for schools. When the hotel suggestion for the bridesmaid weekend away came through, it was very expensive and I had to be honest and say that I couldn't afford it. I think this upset my friend, but she was ok in the end. Eventually, as I felt so bad, I found a deal at the same hotel for one of the two nights and have booked that in order to spend the night with them. However, now I have just reveived the plans fot the hen do and it is almost £1000 for 2 nights in a michelin starred hotel. This is just way out of my range on top of the accommodation for the bridesmaid weekend and accommodation for the wedding itself which is at the other end of the country from where I live, plus gifts and paying for bridesmaid make up etc. I've been to quite a few hen dos in the past and they've all been in reasonably priced airbnbs or hotels, but this one is likely to be a real issue for me. I don't know what on earth I am going to to. My friend should obviously have the hen do she wants, but I just can't justify or afford this type of expenditure with my husband's work situation and all the work to make our new house liveable. What do I do?

@SecretSpAD

So you haven't actually spoken to your friend, but instead have just come on here to complain about how she doesn't understand a situation she doesn't know anything about?

Or did you just want to read the frothing about how she's entitled, grabby etc from the wedding haters?

How about you call her and talk to her.

I also don't think that the people on here are 'wedding haters'.

Jeez. Calm yourself @SecretSpAD . Wedding haters? I think the OP has been perfectly clear.

Back out now. "Sorry I can't afford it. I'm happy to step down if you want" - a true friend won't care about the money and will want you by her side whatever. Your friend might have bridzillaitis.....if she's a good friend to you normally just let her rude this out and she'll be back apologising later. If she isn't a true friend better you know now than after shelling out hundreds on her wedding.

I honestly think weddings and Hens have gone mad.

The bridesmaids could easily have got to know each other during an Afternoon Tea with some games.

The hen could be a nice dinner locally.

Instead people are choosing ridiculous events wrapped up in their princess complexes.

I had a ‘big’ wedding and a hen but I never lost sight of the important things.

I’ve also arranged them over the years and I’ve always been considerate of budgets and time.

OP - this ‘lovely friend’ sounds thoughtless at best but if she doesn’t understand that £1000 for a hen weekend on top of everything else is too expensive for you then she sounds like an idiot.

In your position I’d just tell her that the costs are untenable and you’re stepping back so she can choose a different bridesmaid.

It's perfectly OK for you to ask advice before you have a difficult conversation with someone. I'm not sure what that 'frothing' post above is trying to achieve other than make you feel bad.

You will probably have to bow out of being a bridesmaid as your friend seems to think its OK to make people pay.
Just let her know how difficult £1000 would be to find for you. She maybe has no idea.

Just tell her that you won't be able to be a bridesmaid as her wedding budget is well beyond what you can afford. It will carry on with the outfits make up hair and requirements to stay in particular places. Just decline.

What is it with people and charging guests for anything??? FFS, I have only found out on this forum that it actually exists! When we had our wedding - we paid for hen do and stag do, as well as the wedding with unlimited food and open bar!

In a way it's good that this has come up right at the beginning and not further down the line when things are already booked or arranged.

I don't think you should feel bad or embarrassed either. It is completely fair that you don't have the money / want to spend loads of money on this. I wouldn't either.
This is what I sent to a friend of mine last year, in similar situation:

"I was so excited to be your bridesmaid, thank you so much for asking me, but I probably jumped the gun a bit. We've had a hard year financially and I don't have my own income at the moment. It sounds like such a gorgeous hen and i'll be very sorry to miss it. I think it might be best if I am not an official bridesmaid, but would still be there with tons of moral support every step of the way. I'm really happy for you".

We are still friends. Fewer messages in the first few weeks after but it's all ok now and i'm glad not to be a bridesmaid. It's cost them all loads. A few of us are going for drinks locally the weekend before the wedding as a second very mini hen - i'm arranging it, with her consent.

Just say no sorry I can’t. I don’t get this overpriced making mountains out of mole hills for weddings. My hen do was dinner in the nearest city. That’s it. Why do brides assume that their big day is as important and as high a priority to everyone else as it is to them?? I would never dream of asking people to fork out money for a holiday for a hen do. It’s completely unreasonable to visit these situations into your friends and family. It’s also rather vile to expect wveryone else to push the boat out just because the bride wants to. I’m so fed up of reading about the problems stroppy brides cause to their ‘friends’ because they don’t have similar financial freedom. The whole thing is quite a case of ‘keeping up with the Jones’ I think. I would plan something that everyone could afford. If my ‘rich’ friends wanted something awesome and expensive, I would keep in mind that not everyone can do this and perhaps hold separate parties. I just don’t get it. It causes more problems that are unnecessary.