Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too sensitive or is this shit?

63 replies

toosensitive1 · 01/04/2021 22:46

Started seeing someone relatively recently, all going well, was very excited to be able to go to his house after a few months of lockdown and meeting up outside for walks, coffees (him needing to shield, but now able to bubble together as he feels happier now he's had the vaccine).

We were meant to be meeting up this evening, but he was too busy with work so we rearranged for tomorrow instead. That's annoying, but I understand. Then we began to discuss plans for me coming to his on Saturday, he invited me to stay over but I am not able to stay on this occasion. He then texts me shortly after to 'let me know he's got plans for the evening on Saturday'... I then asked what these plans were, as a minute ago he was asking me to stay over... he's been invited to a garden get together with his family, but I now feel a bit rubbish as it seems that because I'm not staying over, I'll now be 'turfed out' by a certain time, and he didn't think to ask me if I minded/what time I'd planned to leave/if we'd be having dinner together etc... He lives an hour away, so it's not as simple as just popping over and popping home again. When I pointed this out he did then say sorry and said he'd cancel the plans he'd just made with his family, but I just feel like an afterthought.

It all just feels a bit crap, but I can be oversensitive so wanted to know what the general consensus is?

OP posts:
HamFisted · 01/04/2021 22:50

Might just be a bit clueless. If he reckoned you'd be going home early, he might have thought there'd be nothing to stop him attending the garden gathering.

HamFisted · 01/04/2021 22:50

On the other hand, he might be playing a controlling, manipulative long game.

Hard to tell.

MichelleScarn · 01/04/2021 22:54

But tomorrow's Friday? So you're over Friday eve then night, sat morning, afternoon then evening he has plans?

Original poster
toosensitive1 · 01/04/2021 22:55

No, I am not staying over. We're meeting up for a walk tomorrow.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 01/04/2021 22:56

So why does his Saturday plans affect you then if its Friday you're meeting?

RoseyMinerals · 01/04/2021 22:56

At this "dating" point, it's the best it's ever going to get. So choose wisely as the rest of your years with a man are going to rely on you choosing someone at this stage who makes you feel good and not subtly crap. Truly caring, "all in, all of the time" men do exist.

Tinydinosaur · 01/04/2021 22:56

I think you're being a bit unfair. You've said you can't stay so he's made plans, rather than sit in in his own.

What you want is to not plan a time to leave and just leave when you feel like it which I think is ruder than making plans after your plans. But then I don't like open visits, I like to know when a visit will end.

Think if it was the other way round and he was telling you he didn't spend the night but didn't want you to make alternative plans either?

Scarydinosaurs · 01/04/2021 22:56

All depends on the conversation you’ve had really. Why can’t you stay? When did he think you were going?

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 01/04/2021 22:58

Did you post about this earlier about DC too? It seems similar but of course understand it could be two different people in similar situations.

Original poster
toosensitive1 · 01/04/2021 22:58

Sorry, maybe I didn't explain myself well. We were meant to be meeting for a walk today, he cancelled, so we rearranged our walk for tomorrow. Then I am also meant to be going to his on Saturday, but when I couldn't stay over, he then arranges something else to do in the evening... without asking what we're doing / what time I am staying until / what the plan is...

OP posts:
Original poster
toosensitive1 · 01/04/2021 22:59

No I haven't posted before.

OP posts:
Kimye4eva · 01/04/2021 23:01

You need to put this into pandemic perspective. He will have spent minimal, if any time with his family. They’ve probably just invited him and he’s been excited at the thought of seeing them.

Littlepaws18 · 01/04/2021 23:02

You are being over sensitive. He asked you first, but you said no so he made family arrangements. I really don't understand the issue. If you wanted to spend that time with him why didn't you just say yes?! And if you resent him making plans when you aren't there it's not going to end well. If I were him I would walk away.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 01/04/2021 23:02

I would say you're being a tad over sensitive. You changed the plan and he reacted to that by making other arrangements.

carrieeee · 01/04/2021 23:03

Your being a little sensitive, he probably wants to see his family too and you've said your unable to stay over so he's made other plans.
Just enjoy the time you do have together

MichelleScarn · 01/04/2021 23:03

when I couldn't stay over, he then arranges something else to do in the evening... without asking what we're doing / what time I am staying until / what the plan is... your plan or a joint plan? So he can't arrange to see his friends and family because he has to see what you want to do first? Nooo you must now this sounds odd!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/04/2021 23:04

You're going over during the day and not stopping over. Is that right?

I think arranging to meet family, particularly given how hard it's been in the last 12 months after seeing you is absolutely fair enough.

Original poster
toosensitive1 · 01/04/2021 23:04

I said I couldn't sleep over, but we didn't agree a time to leave / discuss anything else. I didn't say I wouldn't spend the evening at his. In the past, because of the distance, we will spend part of the evening together and have dinner etc. So I guess there was that expectation from me.

OP posts:
GreenSlide · 01/04/2021 23:06

You're not going to be there anyway so why shouldn't he make plans?!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 23:06

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt here. He invited you, you said no, so he made other plans which he was up front about and then he apologised and offered to cancel when you said you weren't happy. Sounds fine to me.

Cocomarine · 01/04/2021 23:09

Impossible to say without the full context.

Garden party with family is a big deal when it’s only just now allowed, and you’ve been shielding before vaccination too. I’d be prioritising that over a date that isn’t even arranged yet too.

It depends on where you were with arranging Saturday’s date. If you’d previously been talking about an evening meal and a film, just not able to stay over, then rude as fuck to just ditch you. But if it was still at the stage of could be an afternoon walk and picnic, then he’s not “turfing you out” just planning two things on one day.

I personally wouldn’t mind being actually cancelled for the family thing in these circumstances - post lockdown! But only if asked politely, and by someone with a proven exemplary track record!

The cancellation due to work suggests a pattern... but again, you’re the one with the context, not us. I have cancelled dates very occasionally due to work - I am not flaky or rude or uninterested - I just have had very pressured times at work.

Bottom line, even without context - listen to your gut.

LouiseTrees · 01/04/2021 23:10

@toosensitive1

I said I couldn't sleep over, but we didn't agree a time to leave / discuss anything else. I didn't say I wouldn't spend the evening at his. In the past, because of the distance, we will spend part of the evening together and have dinner etc. So I guess there was that expectation from me.
Yes but an hour away is not that far and if you said you couldn’t stay maybe he thought there was a reason meaning you need an early night or something. YABU.
KarmaStar · 01/04/2021 23:13

From what you've put if say you are being over sensitive and a bit controlling.let it go.

RLOU30 · 01/04/2021 23:32

Another vote for being over sensitive.
It isn’t all down to what time you want to leave. If your not staying all night he has made other plans with his family. He’s even offered to cancel what else can he do. I’d leave it be now.

Italiangreyhound · 01/04/2021 23:32

YANBU it sounds a bit odd.